An introduction to Zoé

Where to begin...
The more I think back, the more I realize that I cannot put an exact date on when I realized that I was different. There is no moment or event that stands out as defining my hidden self.

There are scattered memories of tights and dresses or trying on panty-hose and slips. I remember a little green ballet costume of my sister's that was one of my favorites. What could be more feminine? I tried lipstick and eye shadow at an early age. It is hard for me to remember a time when I did not want to be a girl - at least some of the time.

I grew-up back and forth between rural and sub-urban areas. We moved rather frequently around Upstate New York.

There was certainly nothing in my childhood to put the idea of crossdressing in my head. It all started years before cable TV or the internet. My family was rather conservative, and out in the country I don't remember watching much television. I just remember liking what the girls wore better. I was probably in the fourth grade before I had my own room and thus the privacy to pursue my interests. I spent many afternoons sneaking bits of clothing to my room and trying them on. In my family, there was never a doubt in my mind that this should be kept secret.

What I do remember about being TG as a child [not that I knew what that meant at the time], is the summer of 1981. If you will allow a paraphrase; video may have killed the radio star, but it sure brought me to life! Cable television came to our house. My life has not been the same ever since. Though it wasn't MTV, per say, that really opened my eyes. For me it was TV38 WSBK Boston and Channel 11, WPIX New York. Those stations gave me my first real glances of the great Hollywood Musicals. More importantly - Showgirls!

I couldn't get enough of them. That was when I knew what I wanted to do. Even then I was pretty sure it would be impossible, but I wanted to be one of those leading ladies, or at least a chorus girl. This was also my first draw to the Theatre.

My Second Trip Out - NYC

My Second Time Out. Still a bit to learn, and a long way from fashionable!

Then - Senior Year School Drab - Now - My how I have changed!
There were a lot of stolen moments throughout the remainder of my adolescence. I had a small stash of lingerie and clothes. I would dress in my room, or around the house when my family was out. It would be many years before I attempted anything publicly.

This has always been a great regret of mine. I was small for a boy, with fair skin and a soft features. It would have been the easiest time in my life to pass. If I had dared to try back then, how it would have changed my life... This is why one shouldn't dwell too long on what might have been.

Before long I was in high-school, and the dressing became less frequent. I was busy with school activities; soccer, track, drama club, band, chorus, and of course girls. I went to a Military School for boys, so contact with the "opposite sex" was not an every day occurrence. It should have been hell, but like I said, I was busy. The desires were not gone, but they lurked unobtrusively beneath the surface most of the time. Or at least I was able to convince myself that I would be content living out my fantasies in private
College passed in much the same way. I left home and went to S.U.N.Y. Stony Brook on Long Island. Not surprisingly, I majored in Theatre Arts. I also studied Sociology [concentrating in Gender Studies] and English. I still remember my first day of Sociology of Gender 101.

What an eye-opener. Not only did I discover that there might be others out there like me, but there were volumes of books dedicated to the study of gender disphoria! I didn't care if it did sound like a disease, it was a name, an identity. A place to start.

In spite of all this, and the freedom of a new environment, I did not blossom in college. My feminine side remained my secret. I had my own dorm room [a single] so there was no reason to be discovered. With the exception of a brief appearance on stage in drag [for a farce I had been cast in] there were no public displays. It would take yet another move for me to start looking for the courage to find the true me.

New York City!

Well there is some truth to the wild side of the city. I moved into Hell's Kitchen, back when that name still meant something [ '91 ]. Before it was Disnyfied. I was auditioning, temping and trying to have a good time. I waited tables, became a bike messenger and basically had a good time.

Sadly, this was mostly done in pants. I was going to Rose's Turn, the Duplex, the Pyramid Club I met Drag Kings, and even danced with the Mistress Formica, a prominent Drag Queen. All the while, I was still living in the closet. I don't know what was holding me back or what I was afraid of. I guess my childhood had been more more repressive than I realized. I lived in Manhattan for almost 3 years without dragging Zoë out into the world. In fact, she didn't even have a name.

My acting career was drifting along, I was cast in several mediocre productions and a couple of terrible ones. I was beginning to consider a change. Somehow I fell into the technical side of theatre. I was offered first a stage management position, then lighting design and finally set design. I began finding work as a carpenter and electrician. It wasn't what I had planned, but I was making a much better living

Then I met a girl. A special girl. She was beautiful, artistic, friendly. I fell in love, and fortunately so did she. She had an enormous apartment in Brooklyn, I had... well nothing to speak of. I moved in.

This is where things get weird. A lot of TG's I have spoken to really repressed their urges once they meet the woman of their dreams, I started to burst. After all, I had a complete woman's wardrobe in my closet now - skirts, dresses, lingerie... How was I to resist? I didn't.

Ready for a Summer's Day

My very first outing was in Brooklyn. My girlfriend was out of town, working on a show. I don't know what gave me the courage at the time [ nor what I was afraid of ]. I borrowed a little black dress, a striped top, heels and black tights. The internet was still fairly new, but I had gleaned a tip or two on tucking. I had bought a wig, and with a little effort, was able to do my nails and apply some make-up. I had committed to going out, so I swallowed [several times] and after a few false starts walked out of my apartment.

It was a cool summer evening, We were living in Prospect Heights, a neighborhood just north of Park Slope. I had no idea where I was going. I walked around the block and found myself bound for 7th Avenue. This is the main strip of Park Slope; bars, restaurants, shops... a much busier area than I lived in. I was out already, so I kept going.

That was one of the most exciting nights of my life. I just went for a stroll through Park Slope, didn't even go in anywhere. But I was walking on air the whole time.

I knew I had found myself. Now there was a new question; what do I do with myself?

I quickly realized two things:
# 1. I was definitely more comfortable as a woman. There was no doubt in my mind, this was not a fetish, not a phase, this was who I was. I was ready to trade in my BVD's.
# 2. I would have to tell my girlfriend. We had been living together for almost two years, and I knew I wanted our relationship to grow, that couldn't be done on the basis of a lie.

It would be another month before I worked up the courage to talk to her. I had been making myself sick over the thought of telling her. While I didn't know how to even approach the subject, I was running countless scenarios through my mind. I could not see how this could possibly come between us, but I was still very nervous. I never actually woke up one day and said "I will tell her today." One evening I just couldn't take it anymore. I was very upset, and she could tell. I just told her. I told her about the stroll, about dressing up at home and raiding her drawers.

Of course she did not understand at first, so I took some time to explain what I could. There were the usual questions and concerns, but I would say she took it amazingly well. We talked for a bit; no I wasn't gay, I wasn't considering surgery, and no-one else knew. I had a few questions myself, but those answers would come in time.

That was about six years ago. Now it's all history, or herstory if you prefer. We're married, and Zoë is finding a place in both of our lives. She is the one who named me Zoë. It is a Greek name, which basically means life and vitality. What better name could there be?

When I created my first site, I was a little concerned about the possibility of someone recognizing me. There is certainly enough information here for anyone that knows me well to confirm it.

This isn't the sort of site you stumble on accidentally though, so I hoped that it would be a pleasant discovery, that it might lead to a new understanding.

While that hasn't happened yet, my active social life finally caught up with me. I bumped into an old friend in an East Village bar. She recognized me, and since my wife was with me, quickly confirmed it.

It was not as painful as I had imagined it might be. But I'll tell you more about that along with other experiences.

I'm on the way out, it's inevitable.

Mostly I'm relieved about it.


Where to begin... The more I think back, the more I realize that I cannot put an exact date on when I realized that I was different. There is no moment or event that stands out as defining my hidden self. There are scattered memories of tights and dresses or trying on panty-hose and slips. I remember a little green ballet costume of my sister's that was one of my favorites. What could be more feminine? I tried lipstick and eye shadow at an early age. It is hard for me to remember a time when I did not want to be a girl - at least some of the time.
I grew-up back and forth between rural and sub-urban areas. We moved rather frequently around Upstate New York. There was certainly nothing in my childhood to put the idea of crossdressing in my head. It all started years before cable TV or the internet. My family was rather conservative, and out in the country I don't remember watching much television. I just remember liking what the girls wore better. I was probably in the fourth grade before I had my own room and thus the privacy to pursue my interests. I spent many afternoons sneaking bits of clothing to my room and trying them on. In my family, there was never a doubt in my mind that this should be kept secret. What I do remember about being TG as a child [not that I knew what that meant at the time], is the summer of 1981. If you will allow a paraphrase; video may have killed the radio star, but it sure brought me to life! Cable television came to our house. My life has not been the same ever since. Though it wasn't MTV, per say, that really opened my eyes. For me it was TV38 WSBK Boston and Channel 11, WPIX New York. Those stations gave me my first real glances of the great Hollywood Musicals. More importantly - Showgirls! I couldn't get enough of them. That was when I knew what I wanted to do. Even then I was pretty sure it would be impossible, but I wanted to be one of those leading ladies, or at least a chorus girl. This was also my first draw to the Theatre.	My Second Time Out. Still a bit to learn, and a long way from fashionable!
Then - Senior Year School Drab - Now - My how I have changed!	There were a lot of stolen moments throughout the remainder of my adolescence. I had a small stash of lingerie and clothes. I would dress in my room, or around the house when my family was out. It would be many years before I attempted anything publicly. This has always been a great regret of mine. I was small for a boy, with fair skin and a soft features. It would have been the easiest time in my life to pass. If I had dared to try back then, how it would have changed my life... This is why one shouldn't dwell too long on what might have been. Before long I was in high-school, and the dressing became less frequent. I was busy with school activities; soccer, track, drama club, band, chorus, and of course girls. I went to a Military School for boys, so contact with the "opposite sex" was not an every day occurrence. It should have been hell, but like I said, I was busy. The desires were not gone, but they lurked unobtrusively beneath the surface most of the time. Or at least I was able to convince myself that I would be content living out my fantasies in private College passed in much the same way. I left home and went to S.U.N.Y. Stony Brook on Long Island. Not surprisingly, I majored in Theatre Arts. I also studied Sociology [concentrating in Gender Studies] and English. I still remember my first day of Sociology of Gender 101.
What an eye-opener. Not only did I discover that there might be others out there like me, but there were volumes of books dedicated to the study of gender disphoria! I didn't care if it did sound like a disease, it was a name, an identity. A place to start. In spite of all this, and the freedom of a new environment, I did not blossom in college. My feminine side remained my secret. I had my own dorm room [a single] so there was no reason to be discovered. With the exception of a brief appearance on stage in drag [for a farce I had been cast in] there were no public displays. It would take yet another move for me to start looking for the courage to find the true me.
New York City! Well there is some truth to the wild side of the city. I moved into Hell's Kitchen, back when that name still meant something [ '91 ]. Before it was Disnyfied. I was auditioning, temping and trying to have a good time. I waited tables, became a bike messenger and basically had a good time. Sadly, this was mostly done in pants. I was going to Rose's Turn, the Duplex, the Pyramid Club I met Drag Kings, and even danced with the Mistress Formica, a prominent Drag Queen. All the while, I was still living in the closet. I don't know what was holding me back or what I was afraid of. I guess my childhood had been more more repressive than I realized. I lived in Manhattan for almost 3 years without dragging Zoë out into the world. In fact, she didn't even have a name. My acting career was drifting along, I was cast in several mediocre productions and a couple of terrible ones. I was beginning to consider a change. Somehow I fell into the technical side of theatre. I was offered first a stage management position, then lighting design and finally set design. I began finding work as a carpenter and electrician. It wasn't what I had planned, but I was making a much better living Then I met a girl. A special girl. She was beautiful, artistic, friendly. I fell in love, and fortunately so did she. She had an enormous apartment in Brooklyn, I had... well nothing to speak of. I moved in. This is where things get weird. A lot of TG's I have spoken to really repressed their urges once they meet the woman of their dreams, I started to burst. After all, I had a complete woman's wardrobe in my closet now - skirts, dresses, lingerie... How was I to resist? I didn't.	Ready for a Summer's Day
My very first outing was in Brooklyn. My girlfriend was out of town, working on a show. I don't know what gave me the courage at the time [ nor what I was afraid of ]. I borrowed a little black dress, a striped top, heels and black tights. The internet was still fairly new, but I had gleaned a tip or two on tucking. I had bought a wig, and with a little effort, was able to do my nails and apply some make-up. I had committed to going out, so I swallowed [several times] and after a few false starts walked out of my apartment. It was a cool summer evening, We were living in Prospect Heights, a neighborhood just north of Park Slope. I had no idea where I was going. I walked around the block and found myself bound for 7th Avenue. This is the main strip of Park Slope; bars, restaurants, shops... a much busier area than I lived in. I was out already, so I kept going. That was one of the most exciting nights of my life. I just went for a stroll through Park Slope, didn't even go in anywhere. But I was walking on air the whole time. I knew I had found myself. Now there was a new question; what do I do with myself? I quickly realized two things: # 1. I was definitely more comfortable as a woman. There was no doubt in my mind, this was not a fetish, not a phase, this was who I was. I was ready to trade in my BVD's. # 2. I would have to tell my girlfriend. We had been living together for almost two years, and I knew I wanted our relationship to grow, that couldn't be done on the basis of a lie. It would be another month before I worked up the courage to talk to her. I had been making myself sick over the thought of telling her. While I didn't know how to even approach the subject, I was running countless scenarios through my mind. I could not see how this could possibly come between us, but I was still very nervous. I never actually woke up one day and said "I will tell her today." One evening I just couldn't take it anymore. I was very upset, and she could tell. I just told her. I told her about the stroll, about dressing up at home and raiding her drawers. Of course she did not understand at first, so I took some time to explain what I could. There were the usual questions and concerns, but I would say she took it amazingly well. We talked for a bit; no I wasn't gay, I wasn't considering surgery, and no-one else knew. I had a few questions myself, but those answers would come in time. That was about six years ago. Now it's all history, or herstory if you prefer. We're married, and Zoë is finding a place in both of our lives. She is the one who named me Zoë. It is a Greek name, which basically means life and vitality. What better name could there be?
	When I created my first site, I was a little concerned about the possibility of someone recognizing me. There is certainly enough information here for anyone that knows me well to confirm it. This isn't the sort of site you stumble on accidentally though, so I hoped that it would be a pleasant discovery, that it might lead to a new understanding. While that hasn't happened yet, my active social life finally caught up with me. I bumped into an old friend in an East Village bar. She recognized me, and since my wife was with me, quickly confirmed it. It was not as painful as I had imagined it might be. But I'll tell you more about that along with other experiences. I'm on the way out, it's inevitable. Mostly I'm relieved about it.