Blum on Bridge The Bridge Player who Laughed
	Among my favorite authors is Ron Klinger, an Australian born in Shanghai. In the past, I've reviewed in this column the books "100 Winning Bridge Tips," "50 Winning Bridge Tips," and "Improve Your Bridge Memory." Each of these books is easy to read and are of great help to the student. About fifteen years ago Ron published a small 5x6 paperback that teaches nothing, but is a grouping of humorous, mostly-true tales from the bridge world. The book is aptly titled, "The Bridge Player Who Laughed." I thought for fun that I would take excerpts from it for today's article. In a worst-partner-in-the-world competition Ned said, "You won't believe what happened today. My partner has to be the worst in the world." Ted answered, "No, my partner is worse." Ned replied, "No way. My partner is so bad that if the position looked like this, Dummy AQ-Declarer 54, my partner would cross to the dummy in another suit and lead the queen." Ted said, "Big deal. Against my partner that play would work." A doctor, concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing patients, during a regular check-up asked, "Do you get much exercise?" "Only when I sit East-West," was the reply. A very old and the most unpleasant man at the bridge club died. Sometime later his bridge crony, also not very nice, passed on and went to Hell. Upon arrival he saw his old partner with white hair and beard sitting at a bridge table opposite a most voluptuous blond. "I don't understand. Here we are in Hell and you are playing with the most gorgeous woman I've ever seen. How can this be?" "Sshh!" said the old bridge player, "Actually, I'm her punishment." "Why are you so glum?" "The doctor told me I can't play bridge." "Aha, so he's played with you too." "Partner, every day you're playing worse and worse, but today you're playing like next Friday." Jack: "I just got a bridge professional for my wife." King: "Good trade." An advertisement for bridge classes appearing in a Tennessee newspaper read "Joe Blank took our bridge classes and now he can beat his wife." Inspecting a tombstone in a large cemetery, a tourist read the inscription "Herein you will find Peter Thomason, a bridge player and a gentleman." "Curious," remarked the tourist. "Three men in one grave." A new player picked up 8 spades, 4 hearts, 1 diamond, and no clubs. He opened one diamond to which his partner responded one heart. New player jumped to four hearts and was immediately doubled. He then bid four spades and again was doubled. Eleven tricks later he explained to his bewildered opponents that he was taught to open five card majors but had none. His instructor then told him to open his longer minor. "Naturally I opened one diamond. I can see how well this system works." Another beginner in her first duplicate game heard her partner bid 4NT Blackwood. She knew just what she was supposed to do, so she confidently replied: "Five...five...uh...aces!" Ron tells this one on himself. As a teacher he said that he met people from all walks of life. Although he knew several policemen who played, he had only taught one who happened to be one of the best students in his beginner class. Klinger says, "Some time after the player had graduated Ron was caught in a traffic snarl near Kings Cross. We were chatting about bridge hands when the traffic started to flow again. I was quick on the accelerator, but the traffic cop at the approaching intersection was even quicker with his 'Stop sign.' Our combined precipitous actions meant that I banged heavily into the car in front, which had managed to stop in time. "With a grim expression, the policeman strode over to my car and bent down to me at the driver's window. I was ready for a stern lecture when I recognized him as my bridge pupil. Simultaneously he recognized me and his expression quickly changed to a smile." "Why, Mr. Klinger. How are you? I'll be back in a moment. I just have to book the bastard who reversed into you."     These are only a few of the goodies in this book of chuckles. It's only $5.95 at Baron Barclay Book Supplies, 1-800-274-2221. While you're at it, you might want them to send you their catalogue. I believe they might have the most comprehensive collection of bridge paraphernalia in the country.