V.
Admiral Lord Hood
3 Half Moon Street
London
3 September 1798
My Dear Samuel:
It is forward, I know, to employ
your Christian name on so short an association, but as this is a rather
intimate letter, I believe that you will countenance my boldness.
After all, is it not also somewhat bold for a gentleman to invite a
lady he has only just met to a midnight supper, tete-a-tete, no
less? Of course, I trust you completely when you tell me that
such invitations are in no way your habit.
I am gratified beyond measure that
you enjoyed my performance as Cleopatra. If one must wrestle with
a snake on stage and clasp it to one's bosom nightly, it is worth
knowing that one's effort does not go unremarked.
But to have an admirer of your
stature is an unexpected source of pleasure. I was only too
delighted to make your acquaintance at Harriet Feathersword's rout on
Tuesday evening. It is well known that the great Lord Hood is a marvel
of vigor in spite of his maturity, and I hope you will not blush if I
tell you that you do not disappoint.
Indeed, it was most apt of you to
mention at supper that a dusting of snow on the roof does not
necessarily signify the lack of a fire in the chimney. While
there was no need to pull me onto your lap to illustrate the point, I
cannot say that I abhorred the experience. Quite the contrary.
And I fully comprehend your meaning when you refer to "only having a
bit of fun" and your declaration that Lady Hood will not stand for
anything else.
I confess that I write not only to
thank you but to ask you a particular favor, though I would not
ordinarily presume to do so based on such a fledging friendship. Even
on so slight an acquaintance, however, I gather that you are not averse
to a bit of naughty entertainment. If so, do allow me to relate
to you a further account of my journey home from Florence via
Gibraltar. Perhaps in exchange, you will grant me the little boon
that I seek.
In regaling you with my adventures
last evening, I had yet to mention my harrowing rescue from the sloop
*Almeria* as it was battered against the stony Spanish coast in a
ferocious storm -- how I was forced to jump headlong into the howl and
the wet, only to drift helplessly in a small boat, the only woman
amongst ten men, until I was finally plucked from the sea and set down
safe on the deck of His Majesty's frigate Indefatigable.
The officer commanding that little
rescue boat was none other than the very same who had been entrusted
with my person when we left Gibraltar in La Reve so many months before, and
who had been my erstwhile companion in El Ferrol prison.
Lieutenant Horatio Hornblower is, if I may say so, a most capable and
gallant officer. And despite a slight difference in our ages, I
cannot deny that a certain attraction developed. He is a
well-set-up young man, tall and slender, with a most expressive face,
beautiful hands, and -- how I do run on. I am sure you have
little interest in those particular details. I will say that
although youthful, I believe he has a great future in the Service -- as
his captain, Sir Edward Pellew, a redoubtable officer in his own right,
will no doubt attest.
What is more, Mr. Hornblower has a
knack for turning up at the most opportune times. In the midst of
that dreadful storm, with the ship breaking apart on a vicious reef,
all souls aboard the *Almeria* were forced to abandon her by jumping
into the jaws of near-certain death. But instead of plunging into
the waiting embrace of Thanatos, I found myself pulled out of the
churning sea and straight into the arms of Lieutenant Hornblower.
There were eleven souls in that
sodden little craft. British seamen manned the boat, having been
released on parole by Don Massaredo, but not all of them survived, and
besides myself only a few were rescued from the Spaniard. My Mr.
H, as I have come to think of him, took the tiller and yet contrived,
through all that dark night and into the weak light of dawn, to keep me
warm with his own body. Though we were both sopping and
miserable, huddled in the stern with no protection from the elements
and no immediate prospects for the future, I would be prevaricating if
I did not admit that nature took a certain course.
Despite the circumstances, I was
only too aware of the state of his manhood. (I hope I am not too
forthright for Your Lordship?) Indeed, it was not many minutes
after we settled down together that I could feel his member swelling
and pressing against the outside of my thigh. My need for warmth and my
regard for the young man in question were such that I did not, as I
perhaps should have done, separate myself from this phenomenon. I am
thus obliged to relate to you that I found Mr. H's organ singularly
impressive not only in length and girth, but in the degree of its
rigidity and in the duration for which it remained in that state.
Indeed, if I recall correctly, the condition more or less persisted,
with only a slight interruption, until the Indefatigable loomed out of the
mist next morning.
As for myself, although I was
soaked and fearful and cold to the bone, a peculiar warmth enveloped
me. In order to continue that most welcome feeling, I allowed Mr.
H to take my hand and place it upon his erect shaft. Once my
fingers had found a comfortable position there, I saw no need to remove
them, but only stroked the lovely thing in a rhythm that echoed the
rocking of the boat. He took very kindly to my attentions but,
sadly, could not remove his one hand from the tiller and supported me
all the while with his other arm.
Heavens, Samuel, what is it about
a sailor that encourages a lady to lose her decorum? After a
while, I found I could restrain myself no longer and partly unbuttoned
the flap of his breeches, working my hand inside to grasp his hot, hard
length. His hand was steady on the tiller, but he turned his head
and kissed me for a long moment -- deeply, tenderly.
The night was black as pitch and
rain sheeted down so that no one in that small boat could have seen or
heard us. I remember he whispered fiercely "For the love of God,
Kitty, don't stop" and I did not cease, not for a moment, though my
small hand could hardly span that stiff, thick shaft. Soon
enough, his motions matched my own, both of us moving quite forcefully
until he arched into a final spasm, exclaiming at the same time.
It was sweetness itself, though brief. Ah, me. I still hope
to be reunited with my Mr. H one day.
Meanwhile, through another friend
in the Service, I have learned that a gentleman with Mr. Hornblower's
endowments should expect to be possessed of a spyglass more
commensurate with his demonstrable physical assets. Although Mr.
H has recently earned quite a decent amount in prize money, he is far
too modest to purchase such an instrument himself. Accordingly, I have
commissioned Stanley & Sons, Bolton Street, to the purpose,
specifying not only a spy glass, but also a night glass of suitable
materials, construction, and proportions.
Perhaps you will be so good as to
see that these items, if forwarded to your attention, find their way to
the gallant Lieutenant, wherever he may be? I am sure you will
understand that I should like to remain an anonymous benefactor.
Your kind invitation to sup with
you after my performance on Wednesday next is most appreciated and is
accepted with pleasure. I have always prided myself on having
friends in high places and low. I hope I will not offend you by
accounting you among them, sir. Accordingly, in the interests of
preserving my privacy should this letter go astray, I shall sign myself,
Until tomorrow,
K
VI.
"There. I've finished! Are you
awake, dearest? Oh...it's just past midnight, I think. I'll read it to
you then, shall I?
Ahem.
It is addressed to the Sea Lords, The
Admeralty, London, and signed by myself, Georgiana, Countess of Trim,
Baroness Keene, at Dublin, twenty-first March, seventeen-hundred and
ninety-eight. I suppose I must sign it, mustn't I? Mustn't one be
accountable when giving this sort of evidence? Surely their lordships
take these depositions in the strictest confidence. Don't they? Oh, I
don't know why I should care, there's enough men could try and
blackmail me already if they'd a mind to...
Oh. Hello, my love. You are awake,
aren't you? My goodness, it never fails, does it? You know, Trim was
never...I mean, when he awoke, he wasn't generally...
Never mind...where was I?
The Sea Lords, etcetera, etcetera.
Very well then, it begins, 'My Lords----' is that quite proper? Or
should it be, 'Your Lordships'?
Archie?
Do pay attention, darling, this is for
your benefit, after all. Although I am still not certain you're not
having me on. Who ever heard of such a thing? I don't mean that there
should be a tradition but...that there is a *protocol* for it! Oh, I
suppose I can believe it, come to that; it's so very English, isn't it?
Every bloody thing has to be stamped and sealed, witnessed and sworn,
spat on thrice and put through committee!
So...'My Lords' will do? And it is
admiralty with an 'i'. Thank you, darling, you know I cannot spell for
the life of me! Very well. Now, listen, will you, and tell me if I've
got everything just right. And stop...playing with those if you please.
It is most distracting.
It begins, 'My Lords--
Archie! Darling, I'm trying to
read this to you! No...stop now...I can't very well...if you're going
to be...
As
I was saying! 'My Lords,
I write to you on a matter of some
importance and great delicacy, concerning a---'
---very naughty young man of my
acquaintance! Now, you just leave those be! Archie, I mean it! No, I
do! Surely you want to hear what I've written? I've even put in the
part about the length not being quite as important as the
circumference, and how it is understood by me that 'it is not so much
the size of the glass, but the method by which the lens is ground'
and---
Now give me that, you! Archie! Oh
darling, now you've creased it! Honestly! Nearly all I've heard since
you've arrived in Dublin is all about how Mr. Hornblower has such a
lovely one, and it's ever so long, though not so long as Mr. Bowles's,
and he's even had it engraved, and so on and so on, and now I've got my
commission and wouldn't it be just grand if I had one as big and fine
as that, so I could take it out on the quarterdeck for all to admire as
well, and please George, couldn't you write a letter for me, please,
please, please! I'll have you know I have already sent the order off to
London, but I can perfectly well send another letter and tell Mr.
Stanley that I do not require the item after all, if you're not
interested! I don't mind it one bit if even Mr. Bracegirdle's got a
bigger one than you! I shall not concern myself, sir!
Look at this! It is quite ruined!
I shall have to do the entire thing all over again. And I've got a
great, black smudge of ink on my---!
No, you'll only make it worse by
rubbing it. And licking it certainly won't help.
And that one hasn't got a smudge,
besides.
Archie, there's no ink there. Or there.
I'll just recite it for you then,
shall I?
Very well. It begins, 'My Lords---'
'My Lords---'
Oh my dear.
I begin to think you are quite
right. Upon reviewing the...evidence, I think it is possible I...may
have understated my case, and I...Oh!
My...
...lord!"
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