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I Almost Climbed Mt. Everest
What's Erectile Dysfunction?
The Ride of a Lifetime
The Babysitter
Let's Talk About Love
Living On The Edge
Now Perhaps When For Instance?
I Almost Climbed Mt. Everest
Dear Global Villager,
Whoever finds this letter under this
monument of stacked rocks, I want to personally thank you for reading presumably my last words to the world (I hope you weren't
hurt in moving these very large stones).
First of all, for the record,
I almost climbed Mt. Everest....and that's a fact! Tell all the folks back home this and say I love them all too. I may not
have made it to the top...but at least I tried. And that's at least saying something...isn't it?
Also,
if I had the choice to do it all over again, I would have gone 1st class. Saving a few bucks sure doesn't make sense if your
cheap trip ends up killing you.
As far as I know, I'm still somewhere
on the trail that leads to the rooftop of the world in Tibet. It's colder than a witch's baby doll here, and it surely has
taken it's toil. For I'm saddened to report to you that my trumpet has finally surrendered to "Frozen Valve Syndrome," and
is no longer playable.
Although my horn sure won't be missed by
the Sherpa guides who still insist on blaming my snappy horn playing for causing the latest avalanche that almost killed our
party.
Yet, they sure weren't complaining when my tunes tamed the
wild Abominable Snowman who was stalking us. He has now joined our caravan and has become our faithful pet/friend, who we
lovingly call, "Big Bob."
It's snowing on my hat so hard now, that
I can hardly hear my own thoughts. And the porridge that I live on, or should I say gruel, is full of slimy stuff that would
make some of the greasy spoons I use to eat at seem like fine French cuisine.
On
a lighter note, I did get a chance to jam with some happening Snake Charmers who were totally cool. They were so happy to
finally learn some new riffs, that they gave me an unusual gift it's called "The Magic Rope." It works something like this...one
throws the rope up into the air, and then it magically holds. At that point, I guess you're suppose to climb to the top. I
don't know what the use of it is though. Heck, I use to have to climb that sort of torturous rope back in gym class. Whatever.
I also got to meet and play some tunes for a very old yogi dude.
They said that he was a few centuries old, if you can believe that. He barely moved, but he did somehow tap his foot ever
so slowly to a song I wrote on the spot called, "I'm so Blue, Because I Got the Freezing Man Blues."
The
guides also informed me that he'd be so very happy to answer any questions I might have for he was one of those "Know It All"
types. And that he was never wrong in his sage advice.
So I asked
him how do we create peace on earth, when those elite dastardly bastard politicians hide free energy technology from us, and
are hell bent on depopulating the world without our consent through wars as well as with pestilence in our air, water, food
and land?
He seemed totally perplexed by my question, as if I just
asked him how to diffuse a nuclear bomb or something. Jeez Whiz!
After
about three hours of patiently waiting for his response, he then leaned forward and whispered into my ear so no one else could
hear. He said that he had to admit not having an answer for the first time in his advice giving career. And that he felt so
very embarrassed.
I then told him not to worry about it, and to
just let it go and flow like the leaves of autumn fall naturally to the ground. I then went on to say, I felt like those questions
really didn't have answers anyway...like those unanswerable mystical koans of the Far East designed to make one's brain spin
like a spinning top. He smiled and radiated by replying, "Such as life...'Great Mystery' that it is."
He
than blessed everyone by breaking out a few old bottles of champagne from a nearby cave. As it turned out, the bottles had
been personally given to him by Napoleon when they met in Egypt. He then enthusiastically popped open one of the bottles and
then made this toast, "May our good times here and now...enlighten us all!"
We
all ended up drinking a few more vintage bottles that night and got quite smashed as the party really got cooking when a tribe
of gypsy belly dancers and musicians dropped by. Man! You should have seen the nearby snow melt away from the intense heat
waves generated by all that Kundalini energy.
As I've been writing
this letter, another one of my toes appears to have fallen off due to frostbite. No big deal though, for it doesn't hurt whatsoever,
as I've lost any ability to feel any pain from below the waist.
Yet,
if this blizzard doesn't mellow out soon, I'm afraid that more body parts will start falling off. And that's not something
I wish to think about at this time. I also can no longer see now due to my snow blindness, so I must stop writing at this
point. Please understand my plight. Thanks.
All I can do now is
start thinking of warm thoughts from those hot dates in my distance past that might keep me warm enough to survive...if I'm
so lucky that is.
Thanks again for reading my last passing words.
For I know now, that they were not totally written in vain. That is, if indeed you are still reading this note.
Anyway, may you make it to wherever you're going to. Not only on this lonely trail...but
in life in general too.
Thanks for almost getting here in time :)
Yours Truly, The Frozen Snow Angel That You're Now Staring
At
P.S. Would it be too much to ask you to carry my material vechicle
body back to the states for a proper burial? Just like the pirates of old, I've golden ear rings to pay for such an effort.
Thanks again. By the way, isn't the view awesome! :)
by Richard
Alan Krieger Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's Erectile Dysfunction?
An average American household is having quality time together in the evening as they consume their TV dinners at various
time schedules.
As they are doing so, the TV is blasting away with little Jimmy sitting close to the screen playing with his Erector set.
At that very moment, a commercial comes on that no one else notices except Jimmy. The commercial starts off with some
sexy blues as a musical backdrop. Jimmy then observes a man and woman as a couple smiling at each as they hold hands, ride
bikes, laugh at something, etc. As all this is going on, an announcer starts talking about "Erectile Dysfunction" in a manner-of-fact
kind of way. The only thing he left out where charts and diagrams.
He then goes on to warn those who might want to take this miracle drug, that it might cause numerous side effects, such
as not being able to walk or talk again. He obviously did that to cover his behind regarding being sued.
Little Jimmy then turned to his dad and asked, "Daddy, what's erectile dysfunction?" Upon hearing this, his dad almost
choked on a chicken bone.
His dad then responded as if walking on eggshells and said, "Well son, where do I begin? You see, men and women don't
get along unless there's this sort of "natural friction" between them. And the ad is talking about making that friction process
work harder.
Jimmy - But doesn't the word "friction" mean "fighting?"
Dad - Not necessarily, let me put another way. In the same way that I use the "friction" of my sandpaper to make the wood
smoother in my workshop, that's the same way these drug can now make the love between a man and women smoother. Now do you
understand?
Jimmy - Yeah, well sort of.
Dad - Well, that's a good place to start isn't it?
Jimmy - I guess so.
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Ride of a Lifetime
The sulfur smells of hell emanated from the raucous honky tonk bar as I stood there out front hypnotized by the blinking
billboard. My pondering curiosity was soon overcome though to where I found myself in the belly of the beast.
Once inside, the boisterous cacophony of the drunken bar people was deafening to my ears. And the foul stench of the place
burnt my nostrils like an overfilled outhouse at the fair. Yet I somehow pulled myself together and started pushing and shoving
like the rest of the masses to find a place to stand. When the room finally ran out, I stopped fighting for space and gave
up pinned snugly against the wall. That's when I noticed the main attraction of the evening under a lone spotlight, the sign
said it all, "Buster - The Mechanical Bull."
Out of the shadows staggered a petite woman with plenty of attitude that was nurtured by her inebriation. She slowly circled
the frozen creature who was suspended in time. Confidence oozed from every pore of her body as she taunted, mocked and titillated
the animal machine replication as if it had a mind of it's own.
The mob jeered her on as she suddenly sprang up into the gigantic stuffed animal. Sounds of moo echoed throughout the
joint along with pounding disco music.
The lights began to flicker and flash as Buster started to awake from his slumber. He moved ever so slowly as if to mock
the driving beat of the music. The woman gave the crowd a big smile and whipped her hair back as she gyrated in a highly suggestive
fashion in sync with his every move.
Into her ride, she became noticeability irritated by his dreary speed and began to go up and down with her legs faster
then he was going. Simultaneously, she slapped his butt vigorously with her hand as to stimulate him to pump it up. Buster
got the message without hesitation by arising to the occasion and started to move rapidly in a herky-jerky fashion thrusting
his gusto this way and that way. The poor woman was now being tossed quickly about like a dainty rag doll in the jaws of a
pit bull. But this only filled her with sheer delight as she yelped and screamed like a Banshee, "Yeeeeah!!! Do it faster!
Woo Hoo!!!!"
In the front row, sweaty guys with protruding eyes drooled heavily as they tried to contain themselves.
Then without warning, the woman was violently flung from the bull high into the air with a look on her face of utter despair.
The mortified crowded gasped with shock and dismay as she landed severely on the mat with a humungous thud.
Her limp lifeless body lay there motionlessly in what seemed like an eternity turning the room into astonished silence.
Ever so slowly, she opened her eyes as if she had come back from the dead. She then jumped up onto her feet and hooted
out something in gibberish at the top of her lungs as she waved her hands frantically high above her head to her new fans.
That's when multiple sighs of relief and cheers greeted her earthly return.
Soon the somber closing bell was rung as a line of barking beefy bouncers materialized and started to herd the patrons
out the door who shuffled their shoes begrudgingly to the floor. As this sad lackadaisical parade proceeded onto the street,
moans of despair filled the air under a shimmering full moon beaming lightly through a hazy mist.
The group consciousness then gradually went into a deep intensive reflection on the stimulation from the simulation that
now had turned into a confrontation with shades of degradation creating a parallel interpretation with a mental trial of tribulation
regarding the bygone celebration.
This all encompassing perplexing lonely mood was ultimately something the crowd out for some fun had to deal with individually
now......as we slowly wondered home.....through the dense prevailing fog of reality......
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Babysitter
I looked out the window with apprehension as I rode the bus to Hollywood. Something inside was telling me that I was being
set-up as the proverbial schmuck once again. This time my assignment of all things, was to play the part of a babysitter.
Alright, technically the job was that of being a "Sober Buddy" to a famous Hollywood celebrity. All I had to do was scare
away his entourage which was made-up of your typical Hollywood cast of characters. Those being, delinquent drug dealers, pimps,
prostitutes and others basic freaks that might want to take our illustrious hero down the path that led to the "Den of Antiquity."
Or was it, iniquity? Either way, burning the candle at both ends always had the same result. One in which the aging process
became like a speeding car heading swiftly off a cliff only to land into the gates of hell.
The star I was to try and make behave, was that of the actor known as "Jake." He (scenes of Jake in the movies) played
the part in Tinsel Town of the rough, rugged cowboy or gangster. I was never too much a fan of his though, considering that
I had to deal with the "real mob"...in "real life." And it's not so glamorous seeing your best friend forced into trying to
walk across water in cement shoes (scene of his friend looking all scared at the water with a gun pointed to the back of his
head).
Anyway, it was kind of weird to think that I was to somehow control this guy (scenes of Jake partying). Just how was I
going to keep this teeter-tottering bigwig addict from somehow not falling off the wagon again?
But if I was successful, the movie studios would be paying me a large bounty (scenes of Hollywood from the bus window).
For the studios invested millions of dollars for their movies, and were tired of some flunky actor putting their huge investment
in jeopardy by partying too much. I could understand where they were coming from too, for I had toured with my share of stoned
zombies pretending to be musicians.
So, I wondered how uncool I would be considered by my new friend (scenes of Jake driving a convertible sports car, at
a restaurant, etc.). I'd only be his worst party-pooping nightmare, preventing him from having his little "Escapades of Fun."
Oh well, I would just have to live with that. Especially when it was for his own good. Who knows, I might even end up becoming
his savior, if he didn't O.D. first that is.
It wasn't too long after getting off the bus that I found one of those vendors who sells star maps of the movie star's
homes. After buying a map, I commented to the him that it was no wonder that the stars were having such a problem with fanatic
stalkers with all these star map stands around. He smiled back and said the stalkers were his best customers.
After a few blocks of aimless wondering and unfriendly neighbor stares, I finally found Jake's mansion. I tried to push
open the gate, which turned out to be quite a shocking experience (Crane is shocked by the electric gate). This little episode
definitely didn't put me in the best of moods for our first meeting.
I then, cautiously rang the doorbell. (The doorbell is an excerpt sound bite from one of Jake's lame films..."You think
you're tough!? Huh!? I'll show you tough you pip-squeak punk!" Crane Fountaine looks all bored as he waits.)
(Jake's voice with a country draw is heard over the intercom)
Jake - Yeah!? What do you want?
Crane - Hi...my name's Crane Fountaine, the studio sent me (There's a long pause).
Jake - Yeah!? What for?
Crane - The studio didn't tell you?
Jake - Tell me what?
Crane - I'm your new "Sober Buddy."
Jake - You got the wrong address. Go away!
Crane - Sorry...it's not an option!
Jake - I don't think you know who you're talking to here do ya?
Crane - Yeah, I'm talking to you Tough Guy!
Jake - Ha! Ha! Ha! You know what...my big dogs here have just informed me that you're getting them very upset. And if
you don't leave the premises immediately, they're going to have you for a snack! (Sounds of barking dogs)
Crane - Oh Yeah! Well if you don't start acting a little better...no offense to your work. But if you don't start treating
me with a little more respect, and open this door right now...I'll just have to call the studio!
Jake - And?
Crane - And tell them you don't want to be on their payroll anymore! That's because the insurance company will no longer
finance the multi-million dollar picture you're doing. All because you refuse to hang out with your "Sober Buddy," so he can
babysit you to make sure you stay clean working on their film?
Jake - Hold on, I'm coming down.
(The door opens and there stands Jake wearing a cowboy hat, boots and a bathrobe. He's looking all disheveled and hungover.)
Jake - Can we still be friends partner?
Crane - That depends....doesn't it?
Jake - So I didn't catch your name.
Crane - My name's Crane...Crane Fountaine.
Jake - Well alright. Nice to meet ya Crane (He shakes his hand). So, the studio thinks I have a substance abuse problem?
Man! I can't believe it.
Crane - That's the rumor.
Jake - Yeah, well that's all it is. You can't listen to what those jealous critics say about me. They never liked me anyway.
That's because I'm a natural. Yep. None of those stupid acting classes where they ask you to "pretend you're a tree now."
So what's you're favorite movie of mine?
Crane - Well....
Jake - You don't like my movies?
Crane - I didn't say that did I?
Jake - Yeah...your big pause sure did. Geez! So the studio brass send over a "Sober Buddy" who doesn't even like my films.
What's up with that?
Crane - Look Jake! It really doesn't matter if I like your films or not...does it? I'm here to help make sure you complete
the picture sober....that's all.
Jake - No...you're here to mess with my lifestyle big time. That's soooo uncool. You're taking away my freedom to be me!
What's kind of fascist police state are we living in?
Crane - That's a whole different topic. Now Jake, don't start with the temper tantrum stuff. Get a grip. Look, you can
go back to your "Lifestyle of Debauchery" after you complete your part of the bargain.
(Jake's "Too High" friend Lamont staggers out from one of the rooms.)
Lamont - So Jake, I've been waiting. I've got those lines all made up in the back.
Jake - Oh, you mean my cue cards for the movie? Yeah, just wait a second.
Crane - I guess that substance abuse rumor was just some people talking.
Jake - Ah, Crane...I'd like you to meet my acting coach Lamont.
Lamont - Huh?
Jake - Yeah. And Lamont, I'd like you to meet my new "Sober Buddy" (He hugs Crane with one arm) that the studio sent over
to make sure all those rumors about my massive drug intake aren't true.
Lamont - Ooohh! Yeah...right. Nice to meet you Mr. Crane.
Crane - You guys are pathetic.
Jake - Now Crane, keep cool. Everything's going to be just fine. We'll work this out somehow.
(Nancy comes around the corner smoking a joint and tries to pass it on to Jake)
Nancy - Here....take it!
Jake - Nancy....what are you doing? If I told you once, I told you twice, no smoking in the house.
(Nancy looks all puzzled. Crane then quickly grabs the joint from her.)
Crane - Looks like my job's just begun.
Nancy - Hey! Who's this guy...a Narc?
(All of a sudden...an Undercover Officer pops his head through the window and is pointing a gun at everyone.)
Officer - No...that would be me! Freeze! Police! Drop that joint!
Crane - It's not what you think Officer. I'm the "Sober Buddy."
Officer - I said drop it! What the hell is a "Sober Buddy" anyway? Nevermind! I don't want to hear about it! You're all
under arrest!
Jake - There must be some mistake. You know who I am?
Officer - Yeah I do, another movie star with an attitude who's also sitting on a bunch of drugs and money.
Jake - That's ridiculous.
Officer - You should know. Just look at your outfit...that's ridiculous!
Jake - Hey, this robe is the best silk there is!
Lamont - Don't listen to him Jake...he's just jealous.
Nancy - Wait a second...aren't you suppose to have a search warrant?
Officer - Don't try and get all legal with me. You've all been under surveillance. You there! (pointing the gun at Lamont)
Get a large bag and fill it up with all the cash and drugs...now!
Crane - You know she's right. This case would be thrown out of court without a search warrant.
Officer - Alright, now I'm busted. I'm really a bad cop who likes the cash benefits of raiding drug houses on his off
hours. Now are you satisfied?
Lamont - Thank you Officer for your honestly. I'm so sick and tired of being lied to by the authorities.
Officer - Whatever...just start filling the bag...I'm on a tight time table here.
Lamont - Alright, alright! Hold your horses.
Jake - So Officer, while we're waiting...what's your favorite movie of mine?
Officer - Hum...actually they're all pretty funny come to think of it.
Jake - But I never made any funny ones. At least, I don't think so.
Officer - Oh....
Nancy - Now wait a minute...what are you saying? Jake's films totally rock! You don't know anything about art man!
Jake - Thank you Nancy, you're the best!
(Lamont returns with the bag.)
Lamont - I think that's all the drugs and money we have lying around. But than again, the place is so messy...you want
me to look some more?
Officer - Do I look like I have all day? Now, don't anyone tell what happened here...or else...you hear me?
(Jake's friend Mick the stuntman rolls down the stairs and lands at the bottom pointing his gun at the Officer.)
Mick - They don't call me the best stuntman in town for nothing! And just think, a few minutes ago I was all like "Alice
in Wonderland" freaking out staring at the bathroom mirror. Now...whoever you are pointing your gun in the direction of my
friends...I kindly suggest you drop it before I have no other choice than to have you receive some unhealthy supplemental
projectiles from the large cannon type device I hold in my hand that I soon just might to be blasting in your general direction.
Officer - Oh yeah? And if you so happen to decide to be so foolish with your elaborate plan, consider this scenario Sir
Brainiac....if you were to hit me with your little exploding cannon...my hand will most likely react involuntary by pulling
this here trigger, thus most likely killing your favorite movie star sugar daddy over there with deadly force. Comprende?
Amigo?
(Now sticking his head in from another window is a Drug Dealer named Chandler. He also has a gun who he is now pointing
at Mick.)
Chandler - Hi friends! You forgot to invite me to the party?
Jake - Now everyone...don't panic! I've been in plenty of situations like this.
Crane - You're not in a movie Jake! This is reality!!!
Chandler - That's right! And you want to know what the reality is? You boys have ripped me off for the last time.
Lamont - What are you talking about?
Chandler - What am I talking about? I'll tell you what I'm talking about. You guys seem to keep forgetting to pay me for
all the stash I've been fronting you. Well, the party's over man...time to pay the piper.
Lamont - But Chandler, we didn't mean to. We spaced.
Nancy - Yeah, blame the quality of the drugs for us spacing....not us!
Chandler - Well, you space cadets be coming down to earth today.
Officer - Alright, you all better just drop your weapons. You don't seem to realize how much trouble you're in!
Nancy - Excuse me, Mr. Bad Cop, what about you? They're starting to crack down on cops like you...haven't you read the
papers lately?
Crane - That's it...I'm out of here.
Jake - What are you talking about?
Crane - You heard me...you all figure it out! This is not what I requested from the job agency!
Jake - Hey...you can't just walk away from this.
Crane - Oh, is that because it's not in the script? You see, I hate to break this to you, but I have this big old death
wish going on. And, I really don't care if anyone of you decide to blow me away or not. Okay? So...Ciao!
Jake - But I thought you were my buddy?
Crane - And I thought this was going to be a decent gig for once. Why can't I ever land a good job? All my friends seem
not have a problem. It's really too bad to...because I really feel I have so much to offer. But no one seems to care....especially
you freaks.
Nancy - I'm so sorry you feel that way.
Crane - Yeah, and I'm sorry it had to come to this.......
(Crane walks out the door. Voices of the group in the background are heard about that he can't just walk away etc. As
Crane walks out of the driveway, he hears a bunch of gunfire going off behind him. He stops for a moment as if to go back,
but then he shakes his head and keeps walking into the distance.)
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let's Talk About Love
(Two male adults are T.V. channel surfing and stumble upon the show, "Let's Talk About Love." They hear the "Love Doctor"
go on and on about what he thinks love is. You see their bored faces as they listen.)
Doctor - Welcome good people to "Let's Talk About Love." But before we do this, must not we ask ourselves....just what
is this thing we call love? For to love, or to never have loved at all...that is the question? Yes? Yet is it even a question
that we have any control over? What does it really mean, this "falling in love?" Do I feel love? Of course I feel love, feeling
love to me is so....so......(They turn-off the T.V.).
Wally - That dude needs to get out more you know?
Spike - Right......If Mr. Clueless wants to know what love is....I'll tell him what it is. It's a house of mirrors reflecting
unfulfilled dreams. It's a picnic basket full of pain and misery.
Wally - Don't stop now.
Spike - It's that warm puppy that grows up to bite you in the butt. It's pepper spray in your face when you're nice enough
to ask. That poor pathetic fool thinking he knows what love is. Ha! When he's obviously never spent anytime in the trenches
where the battle between the sexes is ongoing.
(Wally is laughing hard.)
Wally - Excuse me Romero, perhaps you just haven't met the girl of your dreams yet.
(Close-up of Spike's angry face that's saying, "What the....?")
Wally - I mean, how do you expect to ever get a date with that attitude?
Spike - Attitude? You want some attitude? Listen man, they used to call me "Mr. Sunshine" alright? And I use to let the
chicks always have their way. They'd all be like....."Oh, you're such a nice guy...can I have this and can I have that?" And,
"Can we go here and can we go there?" Yeah, yeah....Right! I've given Mr. Cupid and his love brigade plenty of chances. Only
to be left with my bleeding heart on the side of the road after being stabbed in the back by some psycho chick.
Wally - Come on man, aren't you overreacting just a little here? Look, I'm really sorry all your blind dates never worked-out,
okay? But don't try and destroy my hopes of love.
Spike - And what is this hope you speak of may I ask?
Wally - No, I don't think you'd understand. Forget it.
Spike - Come on, give me some hope here.
Wally - Yeah? Well alright. But you promise not to laugh?
Spike - Do I look like I'm in a laughing mood?
Wally - Okay. It's sort of old-fashion compared to day's concept of love. Or should I say, sex. You know, I have a nice
house with a wife, some kids and a dog. And everything is.......
Spike - Please Shut-up. Don't make me puke in your face.
Wally - I knew it! Never-mind.....you're hopeless.
Spike - And you're dreaming man.
Wally - So what if I am? It's a beautiful dream.
Spike - Aright! Alright! Let's pretend you were to get all of that. You want to know what would happen next?
Wally - Ah, I'd live happily ever after?
Spike - Oh, I don't think so. It's more like you wake-up one morning and there's this note saying, "Dear Idiot: I've run-off
with the Pool-man, and I've took everything but the dirty laundry."
(Spikes laughs.)
Wally - Uh huh...right.....(Saying in disbelief.)
Spike - And there you are saying....Why? Why? What did I do to deserve this?
Wally - Yeah, please tell me what I did? (All sarcastic.)
Spike - It's what you didn't do man. Now you owe her big time.
Wally - For what?
Spike - For letting you even go out with her in the first place...that's what.
Wally - What on earth are you talking about?
Spike - Yep, it's all down hill from three. You start to drink, then you drink some more. And what are you doing? You're
hoping to forget the mess you've gotten into. But it's no use, your gone man. Like totally wasted burnt into ashes. Just another
"Victim of Love." Oh, and here's some reassuring stats to add to the mix. If you do get married, there's a 50% chance you'll
get a divorce. And even if you did stay together miraculously, there's a 50% chance that one of you is going to cheat. Not
a pretty ratio when it comes to long lasing love huh?
Wally - Well thanks Coach for the pep talk. Maybe I'll just take myself out.......or perhaps I'll get hit by a truck.
Spike - You wish....but I don't think you'll get so lucky. For you know what they say? Nothing comes easy in this world....except
pain. So dream on Dude......don't let me stop you.
Wally - Yeah.....I'll be sure to do that. Well, I really got to go now. Oh, by the way....we're still on for tomorrow
night? You know, to go out with those Babes we met at the pier. That is, if you still believe in love.
Spike - Who said anything about love. I wouldn't want that to get in the way of having some fun.
Wally - You're such a hopeless romantic. On second thought, you're just hopeless. Catch ya later.
Spike - Later.
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Living On The Edge
There I stood, at the edge of the west coast in California looking from the "Cliffs of Wandala," over the ocean. And I
felt like an old prize fighter up against the ropes with no place to go but down in an area know as "Fallen City." They say
that the big earthquake from years ago turned the old broken roads of this part of town into such a mess. In many ways, it
represented the broken lives of so many others who had come out here. After awhile, they just ran out of room, going as far
as their lofty dreams would carry them......only to crumble under that shaky ground called, "reality."
It was getting late in the day, and finding a beer in this town began to feel like I was trying to find a virgin in a
haystack. As I turned around, I saw a vision. There stood an old tattered shanty watering-hole called, "The Shady Lady" with
quite a few large motorcycles out front.
I began to shuffle on over to the bar to wet my whistle as the setting sun followed my every step creating a long shadow
of myself that covered the whole bar.
I eagerly approached the saloon when I began to hear the sounds of happy people a hooping and a hollering as if there
was no tomorrow. As I opened the door, the sounds of all life quickly died as every eye from every biker was fixed on me.
I felt their hard-core stares burning holes right through my bargain thrift-store suit.
"Happy Birthday Kids!" I quickly yelled without thinking. "I'm the party clown you sent for.....remember?"
My wacky idea paid-off as the burly biker's laughter broke into a raucous roar as if I had just become some sort of ridiculous
joke caused at my expense. But that was okay....I was still alive wasn't I?
"Have a seat Mr. Clown and we'll set you up with a bottle of our finest whisky," said the biggest biker who in a strange
way looked just like my Aunt Emma with a beard.
"So, I know this is going to sound real dumb....but you look just like my Aunt Emma," as I commented to the biggest biker
slowly digging deeper my own grave.
"I do, do I?" he scoffed with a squinted stared, "Well, I guess that's better than looking like your worst nightmare....huh?"
This reply drew assorted laughs from all the other bikers who now seemed to have adopted me as their little mascot.
"Well, you can just call me your Aunt Emma if that makes you feel more a home," said the big biker with a chuckle and
a slap on my back that almost floored me.
"Uh thanks...uh....Aunt Emma," I gasped barely catching my breath.
"Now, I want you to know right from the very start that I'm an old fashion red-neck," my new Aunt Emma quipped," I hope
you don't have a problem with that....do you?"
Aunt Emma now seemed to be challenging me as if he was now ready to kill me no matter what my answer was. As if my time
as the "Novel Whimsical Amusement Act" was rapidly approaching an end as their "Attention Deficit Disorder" seemed to now
be kicking in with this gang of bikers.
"Well then," I nervously replied, "are you a good red-neck or a bad red-neck?"
"I know, I know," Aunt Emma shot back all confident, "the White Witch....ah.....the White Witch Glinda from the Wizard
of Oz!"
"Bingo!" I answered with a feeble smile.
"Dang! Am I good or what?" he loudly boasted.
"So, that's what I thought....I could tell from the start that you were one darn tootin' good old red-neck," I exclaimed.
"Oh thank-you Mr. Clown....you're too kind," he gushed.
"Alright then, with that said and done," I said boldly, "I was just wondering if I could somehow get my combo to play
a gig here?," I humbly asked.
"Gee...now that depends you know....does your gang wear patches?," answered Aunt Emma with a question.
"Like the patches that pirates wear over their missing eyeballs?," I guessed. "Ah no, but we could dress-up like pirates
if that's what your theme party called for," I added.
"No! No! you silly clown," exclaimed Aunt Emma, "I'm talking about the patches you wear on your jackets telling which
famous bad-ass gang you belong to!"
"Oh, those types of patches...yeah, yeah...we sure do," I said as confident as I could, "In fact we used to call ourselves
the 'Cakeholes.'"
"The Cakehole? I've never heard of them," a suspicious Aunt Emma pondered scratching his beard.
By now a bunch of the other bikers had began to gather around us as one very hairy and slightly chubby biker came-up to
me and belched an old corn-beef and rye into my face.
"If you was in a gang with patches, you must of had a battle cry...you know, some sort of motto. What was it then?" Bad
Breath demanded to know with an attitude.
"Oh, our motto...it was...ah...."Let Them Eat Cake!" I replied as fast as I could. "Yeah, and if we didn't like somebody,
we'd find an old cake from the dumpster and then we'd smash it into their faces really hard," I proudly claimed as I mimicked
a pie-in-the-face motion.
All the bikers didn't know exactly how to respond to this until Aunt Emman stood-up and remarked, "I like that...it's
original!" "Yeah, you can play here as long as you bring your own women to dance for us," he shouted.
"Yeah, women who can either dance in cages or on tables would suit us all just fine!" shouted Bad Breath all excited.
"Sure, no problem," I said, "I know women who can dance on top of your beer bottles, if you can handle that?"
"Wow!" yelled all the bikers in unison.
"You bet ya boy....you just got yourself a gig!" replied an enthusiastic Aunt Emma.
"Great! Thanks." I whimsically answered. "Well alright gentlemen, as they say, all good things must come to an end. I
best be on my way."
"But gee-weez, we just started to have fun," said Bad Breath sadly commented.
"I know, I know, but I'm sure you guys will do just fine having fun without me....so then....."Party On Dudes!," I yelled
as I ran out of there as fast as I could.
"We will good stranger....take care!," lamented Aunt Emma.
All the other bikers cheered and waved together as some wiped the tears from their misty eyes with their old dusty bandannas.
"You know, we never did get that clown's name," said Bad Breath with a sigh.
"I don't know who he was or even where he was from. But what I do know is this....he'll always be like a nephew to me,"
cried out Aunt Emma."
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now Perhaps When For Instance?
Shane - Good evening everyone! And welcome to the Shane Fontaine Show. Tonight promises to be a very interesting and lively
discussion. The topic will be, "Where are we from, why are we here and where are we going to?" Our guests are two people we
randomly picked-off the street. We have Angela Heart and Billy Lama. Let's start with you Billy. What are your feelings? Let
it all hang out and share with us......
Billy - Well Dude, the answer is pretty obvious isn't it? We're here to party on down! Yahoo! You know, go for the gusto?
Because you only go around once and that's it. So you might as well have a good time doing it!
Shane - Alright, is this guy living in the moment or what? How about you Angela?
Angela - Thank-you Shane. I'd just like to say that having a good time is no doubt extremely important as a motivation.
But we must consider the relationship that that has to happiness. The fulfillment of one's purpose brings true happiness and
we must deal with that in terms of importance. Mere pleasure or "fun for fun's sake," especially the destructive kind, is
an illusion of living one's life to the fullest and in no way does it create a real "Heaven on Earth." There are way too many
problems in the world today that need to be dealt with before perpetual bliss is attained for all. Life is not such a happy
party, especially when you look at most of the people's living conditions in the world today.
Billy - Whoa! Perhaps we could all try and lighten-up a bit here. I mean, like time is a ticking away as we speak. And
who knows if we'll even be here tomorrow. And that's a pretty sad and scary thought when you stop to think about it. So get
down, raise some hell and live life!
Angela - Yet, the real party won't begin....until there's no more suffering.
Shane - Now we're getting into it. How about the question as to how we got here?
Billy - Well, I don't know about you, but I got here on my bike.
Angela - Our souls inhabit these physical vehicles for expediential growth. We are indeed spiritual beings having a very
material experience. According to the Sumerian legend as the first known written records on planet earth, a race of extraterrestrial
beings came here and created us physically speaking. They did this by mixing some of their DNA with the apelike creature that
they found here to create us. Their motive for doing so, was not for us to play in some garden as we have been led to believe.
For they used us as a slave race to mine gold on this planet before they left. As to why they did this. Their atmosphere had
deteriorated to the point where it needed a golden layer as to protect it from the sun's rays.
Shane - Fascinating. Please continue.......
Angela - Ever since those days, there have been a variety of souls from all over the universe reincarnating into these
physical vehicles that have multiplied. For the most part, this planet is a school of "Hard Knocks." The lessons that need
to be learned here, are generally ones of tough love. And we find a hierarchy of souls working it out. There are those in
kindergarten symbolically speaking, all the way to college professors. We all have a chance to grow and pass through the various
stages or classes of advancement. Another apropos analogy, is one of this world being an "Insane Asylum," where most of the
souls are the inmates. For we do find on this particular planet many troubled souls, or should I say, slow learners who will
just keep on repeating their mistakes until they finally learn their lessons. So they just keep on coming back reincarnating
on this planet being too bad to go to Heaven and too good to go to Hell. Of course, in this analogy, there a few other souls
playing the parts of doctors or teachers here to help as guides. These souls don't even have to be here, but they stay here
out of great compassion until everyone gets to heaven. There is no good or bad per sa, only levels of ignorance advancing
toward enlightenment. That goal, being one of pure love, truth and understanding.
Shane - This brings up the question of how much does achievement or success in this material affirm or denote one's advancement
in one's soul progression?
Angela - That's a tough question in general. For there's not always a clear cut answer. As an example, you often find
some of the most immature and corrupt souls with too much material wealth. And on the other hand, very advanced souls with
very little material possessions to their name. It all depends what is being learned and or who is teaching the lessons.
(Stanley the janitor enters on the side of the stage with his mop and listens in.)
Billy - Ah, but kindergarten, now that was one cool school. We got to go on field trips, finger paint and take naps. Yeah,
those were the days when it all made sense.
Shane - Now how does free will play into all of this?
Angela - It's a very important element in this whole equation. In fact, it is the ultimate divine law that let's us wonder
through time and space expressing ourselves either in a creative or destructive manner. And the other law that goes hand and
hand with that is karma or the law of fair and equal justice. From a spiritual and religious perspective, "Whatsoever a man
sows, that shall he also reap." And from a scientific perspective, "For every action there is an equal opposite reaction."
This is indeed a "just universe." We just don't always see it in terms of instant karma or justice in one lifetime. But I
can assure you, that the scales of justice will in the end be adjusted. We may see the results of one lifetime happen a few
lifetimes down the road. God's army of higher dimensional beings in charge of such plans ultimately decide and know much better
what is best for us in terms of learning with our soul growth vs. the plans we often vainly hope to make happen.
(Stanley the janitor waves his hand to Shane asking if he can join in. Shane waves him over.)
Billy - But what exactly are you saying then? That I'm not in control of my own destiny?
Stanley - You're in control of your own destiny to the extent that you play the hand that you've been dealt. The field's
not a level one when you're born, as you know.
Angela - There are many factors and nuisances involved here in terms of our greater soul resumes over "great time" that
we are not suppose to know about. Knowing all that information would only weigh us down in the past and not the present as
to moving on as a progression.
Stanley - The soul knows intrinsically what it is seeking in each lifetime and goes in that direction initially. Of course,
other factors can either make the goal and challenge easier or often times more difficult.
Angela - It ultimately depends on how much progress you want to make with any one particular lifetime.
Shane - Well it seems that so much is taken for granted of the things that we don't even know the scope of involvement
of.
Stanley - And there's no room for mistakes anymore. We live on a living being called Gaia Mother Earth that is on the
precipice of........
Angela - And she cries out for help.....but we can not hear her through the overwhelming and overbearing concrete.
Stanley - Yet, somehow we try to keep in touch.
Billy - Some of us are in touch man, and that's what makes it that much more painful. What I'm saying is, it's so hard
to deal when seeing these greedy madmen in control of our environmental policies destroying our home planet right before our
very eyes. Then you have the dumb media being cheerleaders for the big money machine of the conglomerate corporations who
have bought off the politicians who are no longer able to be the statesmen that they're suppose to be. And what are "We the
People" doing about it? Buying more popcorn as we watch and live vicariously stories on the big screen about other people's
lives we wish we could be. Then it's off to go shopping at the mall for more useless contraptions that we don't really need,
yet want so bad.
Angela - It's a very foul bird that fouls it's own nest.
Billy - Like.....yeah!
Shane - But what if ultimately there are no answers?
Billy - That's what I'm saying man. What if we're all just a bunch of accidents in the end.
Angela - If that's what you feel....for you created your own reality.
Stanley - Yet, there is a "divine plan," no doubt in my heart. And that's something you will eventually come to terms
with in some lifetime. The Native American Indians were wise to leave it off at this saying, "Wankan-Tankan or Great Mystery."
Add to that by asking any scientist today what they see when they look deep enough into the essence of science and they we
tell you that they see.......they see the face of God.
Angela - Some say that it's this mirror or reflection of a holographic universe that they are seeing too.
Stanley - Right, God made man in his own image.
Shane - Well at least God has a sense of humor.
Angela - Here's a "Reality Check" to ponder. A man had a dream. He dreamt he was a butterfly. And in this dream, he was
completely convinced he was a butterfly. Then he awoke, and became confused. Was he a man that dreamt he was a butterfly,
or a butterfly dreaming he was a man?
Stanley - They say in the Far East that this is all a dream or Maya. And that we are to somehow over many lifetimes, finally
get off this merry-go-round that is so full of pain if we ever want to get to heaven.
Billy - Did you see the movie the "Matrix?" The same thing. Anyway, all I know is that I'm living my dream.
Angela - But that's the question....are you actually living in a dream?
Shane - Just how confident can one be about "reality?" Just what is real then?
Billy - It's what you make it man.
Angela - That depends on the conviction of your vision and ability to perceive.
Shane - Are we not all like restless little children asking over and over again, "Are we there yet?"
Stanley - While we should be looking out the window.
Angela - It"s always too obvious for us to notice.
Shane - But why do we let these opportunities become such a threat?
Stanley - Typically, such is the case that we respond only to the familiar. Thus, we unknowingly become skips in a record
that over time only wears us down.
Angela - But this only holds back the progress of "Soul Evolution."
Stanley - One day the reasons we strive for....will truly be our own.
Shane - So trying verses doing is never enough to make a difference?
Billy - Like having to learn useless information that doesn't apply?
Shane - What indeed makes us go on then?
Stanley - To dare to have an opinion while authorities disagree is good place to start.
Angela - It's all been stereo-typed to the "Prison of Classifications" I'm sad to say.
Stanley - Tradition for tradition's sake eventually fade away if they no longer apply.
Shane - Only a new paradigm and massive shift of perception will save us from our "Illusions of Grandeur."
Stanley - And what we don't know about what's most important in life........will hurt us the most in the end.
Shane - We're all making this up as we go along.....aren't we?
Stanley - Know thyself. For the answers don't lie somewhere over the rainbow or on some distance star....they lie within
you.
by Richard Alan Krieger
Copyright 2007
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