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Interview With a Saint

MPS: Yuba City, CA, USA: Saint Edward of Providence currently resides in a grotto near the levee-lined shore of the Feather River. At six feet tall, bearded, and with sparkling eyes, Saint Edward presents a commanding, almost Jesus-like, presence among the homeless residents of the tent town east of Yuba City.

This reporter, when granted an interview with Saint Edward immediately asked the obvious question.

YYY: "Who made you a saint?"

SEoP: "I am a self-appointed saint." said Saint Edward, "The idea, which in another time would have been called a divine revelation, came to me one day as I sat meditating over a delightful glass of Merlot. Somehow, I got to thinking about the popes and how they pick and name the saints and I thought, by what authority do they get to proclaim sainthood? Why can't I name a saint? And so I anointed myself with a drop of Merlot and proclaimed myself Saint Edward."

YYY: "And why Saint Edward of Providence? Is that to impart some heavenly connotation to yourself?"

SEoP: "No. Many saints are identified by their cities or towns of birth or residence. For example: Saint Aaron of Caerleon, Saint Herman of Scheda, and, of course, Jesus of Nazareth. I was born in Providence, Rhode Island, hence Saint Edward of Providence."

YYY: "That was convenient."

YYY: "Many saints are patrons of various things; sports teams, holidays, cities, organizations, and so forth. Are you a patron saint of anything?"

SEoP: "Yes, I did a little research and I discovered there are over five thousand saints in the Catholic Church alone. They have a patron saint for everything. Well, almost everything. They have no patron saint for atheists. So, I have become the patron saint of atheists."

YYY: "Wouldn't Saint Jude be the patron saint of atheists?"

SEoP: "No. Jude Thaddeus is the patron saint of lost causes. A better possibility would be Saint Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of lost souls. However, until now, there was no specific patron saint of atheists. "

YYY: "I noticed that symbol on your business card. What is that?"

SEoP: "That is the icon of my church. It is a buckey ball. I had originally designed an icon which consisted of an overlaid cross, the Star of David, a crescent moon, and the face of Buddha. It was just a mess, so I chose to use the buckey ball instead. It's a symbol of universality. I think it is an excellent icon for an atheist church, which I have founded. I call it The First Church of the Later Day Atheists."

YYY: "How can you have an atheist church? Atheists don't believe in religion."

SEoP: Atheists don't believe in god. We believe in religion. We see religion all around us."

YYY: "But, for what possible reason would an atheist need a religion?"

SEoP: "I think you will find the answer to that question in the collection box you will pass on your way out. I thank you for any donation you put in it."