We'd like to help you in your struggle to be free, there must be, oh, fifty ways to leave your lover. Aside from making a new plan, Jan, or dropping off the key, Leigh, try these tested-and-true methods for leaving that loser in on the curb, where he belongs.


  1. Give up fellatio for lent.
  2. Talk in your sleep. Confess everything.
  3. Make a list comparing all your lovers (him included, rated poorly). Accidentally leave it laying around.
  4. Write a letter to your long lost love. Accidentally leave it laying around.
  5. Gain those 40 pounds you've been putting off.
  6. Tell him you're pregnant, and it's his.
  7. Tell him you're pregnant, and it's the mailman's.
  8. Tell him you're pregnant, and you were artificially inseminated.
  9. Wet the bed.
  10. Be alarmingly religious. Tell him, several times daily, he's on a footpath to hell.
  11. Give him the gift of a PLAYGIRL subscription, to his office.
  12. Ask him if he was born female.
  13. Tell him his is the smallest - but by far the cutest - you've ever had.
  14. When you buy condoms together, ask the pharmacist if they come in "Extra Small."
  15. On your next date, send your ugly cousin in your place.
  16. On your next date, send a gorgeous stripper in your place.
  17. Talk dirty to him on the phone, calling him by another name.
  18. Convince him he's a horrible, dishonest person and you know the truth. (Trust us, this works - there's always something, and he *will* admit to it.)
  19. Tell him you have to get a Vaginectomy (no such thing; he doesn't know this). Tell him yes, it is exactly what it sounds like. Refuse to elaborate.
  20. Make him a lovely afghan - out of his Armani suits.
  21. Refuse to believe he isn't gay. Offer to help him come out. Be persistent.
  22. On your next date, send your handsome (gay, male) stepbrother in your place.
  23. Excuse yourself from the dinner table to call your parole officer.
  24. Tell him you murdered your last boyfriend and made it look like a suicide. Tell him how easy and fun it was.
  25. On your next date, send an eager 15-year-old in your place. Follow them with camera.
  26. Cheat on him with a woman.
  27. Cheat on him with a man.
  28. Cheat on him with a hermaphrodite, transvestite, or transsexual.
  29. Tell him there's no such thing as "cheating."
  30. Tell him it's not cheating if you weren't thinking about him while you did it.
  31. Move your shit out of the house while he's at work, slide key under door.
  32. Move your shit out of the house while he's at work, keep key to fuck with him.
  33. Move all your shit out of the house except the fishbowl and fish food, slide key under door.
  34. Call out the name of your boss, intern, employee, maid, etc., during sex.
  35. Tell him you've been prostituting yourself to make rent.
  36. Sleep with his father.
  37. Sleep with his mother.
  38. Sleep with his brother, sister, roommate or best pal.
  39. Use the final (and only) copy of his thesis as kindling. In mid-August.
  40. Invite your new friend Steve to live with the two of you. After all, the bed IS big enough for three!
  41. Set his dog "free."
  42. Leave a message, telling him (in explicit detail) exactly what you'd like him to do to you on his mother's answering machine.
  43. Tell him television is rotting his brain, then throw his out the window.
  44. Put on a peep show - for all of his friends (or better, co-workers) while he's at work - at his apartment.
  45. Clean his car for him, with bleach and ajax.
  46. Introduce him to your children (neices, nephews, children of co-workers will work nicely); tell him you finally felt comfortable enough to share your "secret."
  47. Tell him you were born male.
  48. Tell him you're still male; ask if he wants to "see it."
  49. Converse with yourself, in different voices, using different names, within earshot of him.
  50. Tell him he's only one man in your rather sizeable he-harem.
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