I'm so into the denial and ignoring phase right now. Yesterday I took a two hour nap, just because I didn't know what else to do with myself. Today I am reading a book. That's not all bad, because I haven't read in a long time, but still, I know I am doing it so I don't have to think about things. I am still in my pyjamas and I really am feeling quite brain-dead. And my neck and back hurt.
Dammit, x, will you just get your frickin' journal already and WRITE?!?! Geesh.
So far today, I have read a couple chapters in a Kay Hooper novel, danced a bit to Disney DDR, checked various websites over and over, and paced around the house. Oh, and also gotten hungry, and I can't figure out if it's emotional hunger or physical hunger.
Grr. Argh.
I'm all restless again. I know I should probably journal and get some of my feelings out on paper or screen. I think some of my emotions are holding me back. But I'm almost afraid to journal. Afraid of my feelings. Afraid I won't like what I feel, what I think, etc etc ad infinitum. I'm afraid I won't accept myself.
Grr. Argh.
This brings to mind one of my favorite passages from the Big Book:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation--some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. [...]
Acceptance is the key to my relationship with God today. I never just sit and do nothing while waiting for Him to tell me what to do. Rather, I do whatever is in front of me to be done, and I leave the results up to Him; however it turns out, that's God's will for me.
I'm finding that second part especially relevant right now. I tend to sit around and do nothing, because I'm afraid I won't do anything right, or it won't be the right thing to do. I think I need to start doing whatever is in front of me, and forget about my fears.
And right now, what is in front of me is a shower. I stink.
Am off to get some film developed, and maybe take some more pictures. Am really digging the sunny, warm weather, but I'm also looking forward to the rain later this week. And I'm really glad it's Holy Week. Church services will help me take my mind off things, and I do plan on going to services for the whole Triduum (sp?).
Sometimes it is easier for friendships to end. You can simply stop returning phone calls, and slowly phase that person out of your life. Sometimes, you're not even aware that you're doing it until it's all over.
Relationships are harder. So, so, much harder. We spent so much time together, tried to build something together. Right now I'm feeling like an Unmaker. Like I'm tearing down and destroying what we built. Maybe this is why it hurts so much, because I'm going against my natural grain.
Who am I kidding? Am never going to sleep tonight. I'm crying too much, and even if I weren't crying, my head hurts too much to sleep.
It is probably best that I get all my emotions out rather than ignoring them, so here I am typing again.
One of the things I'm most upset about is the loss of our perfect "meet cute" story. We met on Valentine's Day, for pete's sake. That's the kind of story you tell your grandkids. I'm angry and upset that that is being taken away from me. I want my story, dammit.
And I remember how it was in the beginning. I was glowing for weeks -- nay, months. I walked around humming that one line from that oldies song: something tells me I'm into something good. And I really believe that he was going to be good for me, that I could learn a lot from him and from the relationship.
And oh, I did. He introduced me to Squaresoft and Final Fantasy. We went to GenCon and Las Vegas. I played so many board games with him that I'd never have picked up on my own. I learned to trust, and to communicate, and to say what's on my mind. The sad thing is, even though I learned those lessons, I still think I didn't take them quite to heart. I was more open and honest with Roger than I ever was with Bill, but I think I still held back way too much. And I'm sad because I think there are still things I could learn from him. If I stayed, I could learn a little bit about commitment, and working through the hard times, and not giving up and giving in.
Argh.
But then a part of me says, well, haven't you already learned those things from him? We had so much against us. The age difference, the religious differences, the difference in experience... and it was hard, and it led to a lot of tension at times, but we tried to work through it. I guess when you look at it that way, it's a miracle we lasted as long as we did.
I don't know, though. I'm still upset that this has to end. I mean, I know I'll be fine on my own -- going up to Wisconsin yesterday helped me to believe that -- but I'm scared. When will I know it's time to start dating again? And it's the dating again that really scares me. I tried to give Roger my heart, and I failed, but I gave enough that I'm not sure there's any left to give.
And now I'm starting to feel melodramatic, like what I'm saying isn't true, but that I'm trying to come up with the pretty words to describe what I believe I should be feeling.
Argh, I say again.
Well, guess I'll take some aspirin and start cleaning the house. Maybe that will tire me out.
I tried so hard, and a part of me believes that if I would only try even harder, that I could make this work and we would be forever. But I see now that my heart has already left. It's been gone for weeks, and it's not right for me to stay here any longer.
But it hurts, dammit. It hurts, because you were my best friend, and I still love hanging out with you. I loved what you brought into my life, the things you introduced me to, the things we did together, and I'm not ready to let go of all of that. I don't know how to do it, but I know I must, because we just aren't right. As much as I want us to be right, we just aren't.
And so I finally said the words tonight. I finally left. And I still don't know if that's the right thing to do. I wonder if I'm leaving because of a fear of commitment. I wonder if I'm leaving because of the codependency. As I drove home, Buffy came into my mind...
ANGEL That's everything, huh? No weapons, no friends. No hope. Take all that away and what's left?
Buffy stares at him, his words hitting home. She looks exhausted, and terribly sad. She shuts her eyes.
He lunges, shooting his arm out, the sword straight at her face.
Without opening her eyes she slams her palms together over the blade, stopping it an inch from her face.
She opens her eyes.
BUFFY Me.
And I can't help but wonder if I'm leaving because I believe it's the only way I'll find myself. For so long I've defined myself by other people or things. I used to be the computer lab girl. The FSSA. And for a while, Roger's girlfriend. I have no sense of who I am, and so I do what I must to discover myself, and I believe that means walking alone for a while. But I'm still not sure that's right.
And that's what hurts. What if I'm giving up too soon? What if I'm being a chicken? What if I'm doing this for all the wrong reasons?
But dammit, I have to trust myself. And I have to trust my body, and my body has been pretty damn unhappy lately. It's been telling me things were wrong, and I need to listen to it. Because there shouldn't be constant sleepiness, the pain in my chest, the tears, the anxiety. There should be peace.
This isn't what I had wrote in my head while I was driving home, but nothing is ever perfect. Whatever -- it is past time I go to bed. I need my sleep, so I have enough strength to make it through my first day of being single again.
