Heh. I just called my cat "Rainy". First time I've done that.
Somewhere over the Pacific right now, Roger is asleep on a plane heading to Japan. He'll be there for just over a week. This is coming at a good time, because it means I can focus on myself without feeling guilty, which is what I think I need for my recovery.
I loveCoDA. Absolutely love it. It's more of a home than OA ever was, though I still think I would benefit from OA. I'm getting a boost of confidence from it because some of my instincts regarding the group (don't reply to other's sharing; fellowship before and after is a good thing) were backed up by the newcomer's handbook (a "no crosstalk" rule; fellowship after the meeting helps you practice healthy relationships).
I also love my therapist. She is wonderful. I really feel like we're getting a lot accomplished. I go there every Friday eager to work and not afraid to share. It's definitely a good thing.
Heck, even my setbacks feel good. Like the other night, when I was upset and made the list of negative messages. It felt really good to get that off my chest. And we talked about it a bit in therapy today, and we realized that a lot of my coping patterns and negative self-image really do come from my upbringing. And awareness is the first step to recovery.
And there's a thunderstorm right now! I love thunderstorms! So many good things. Yay!
Anyway, wanted to do an exercise that's influenced by Barbara's books. She has this exercise where you imagine what your worst day would be like, and then you turn all the statements around to discover what your ideal day is. Since CoDA's big on affirmations, I thought I would turn around those negative messages from the other night. So here we go:
I will not get fat simply by having mac&cheese now and then.
You are worthy of my time, xnera.
I have time to spend with you, xnera.
My wants and desires are perfectly okay. I am not a bad person if I don't want to spend time with my great-aunts.
I am not responsible for holding the family together. I am simply a member of my family.
Spending time with others is normal and healthy. So is spending time alone.
I can take care of myself.
I do not need to be protected.
I am capable of doing things on my own; I do not need to be told how.
I am an unique and precious individual.
Sometimes people may be annoyed by my behavior. That is okay. They are entitled to their thoughts and feelings, and their feelings do not mean I am worthless as a person.
I realize the importance of my self and take care of myself. I look out for my own interests.
I am capable of thinking, and my thoughts are healthy.
I am calm and at peace.
It is okay to be me and to stand up for what I believe in.
It is okay to take time to myself to recharge my energy. It is also okay to feel my feelings.
If a person rejects me, it does not mean I am unlovable or worthless as a person.
My desires and wants are valid, and should be followed.
I can survive and overcome challenges. I am capable of hard work.
My decision to hold off on dating was a valid decision, and does not mean I am weird or strange.
I am a worthwhile person, whether I am single, dating, or married.
My sexual preferences and choices are valid.
I take care of my body.
I can choose to play sports simply for fun, whether I have talent at it or not. It is good to move and play.
If a person does not want me on their team, that doesn't mean I am a bad person or unworthwhile.
I am lovable.
My family does not need to hide secrets from me; I can handle hearing the truth.
My feelings do not need to be protected. My feelings are valid.
I am still worthwhile as a person even if people don't "get" me. I can choose to further explain myself if I want, or I can choose to accept that they don't understand. Either way, I am still worthwhile.
I am strong: physically, mentally, and emotionally.
I want to share your company because you're interesting and fun, xnera.
I am responsible for making my own choices. Not only that, I am capable of making choices. I do not have to listen to others.
I do good work. I have God-given talents and gifts.
I am a good friend, and am capable of healthy relationships. Sometimes my friendships will come to a natural end. That's okay.
I bring uniqueness to my family.
WHEW! That was fun, wasn't it? :-D
In other news, I *heart* Nocturne Alley and nraged. I just wish they didn't take up so much of my friends lists.
The thing that really interests me about is how the story unfolds via the journal posts and comments. It works. It works that we don't know the full story, that we only know what people choose to say. It works that the story is told via character's interactions with each other in the comments. I've given thought to similar methods of telling stories. I would love to do an LJ RPG like , but what would I do it on? I don't really want to do fan fiction. I'd rather do something original.
Hmmm. Will have to think about it, and see if anyone wants to play. Maybe I'll post an inquiry to hatrack.
I've been sitting at my computer since seven o'clock this morning. I keep refreshing Hatrack, epicyclical, nocturne_alley, and nraged. There's an online CoDA meeting right now that I really want to participate in, but I haven't received access yet.
My self esteem has plummented. I feel like I can't do anything. That I have no talents or skills.
I feel like I am sabotaging myself. There is a company that has been trying to contact me to set up an interview, but I have not called them back.
I am afraid to do anything with other people. I am afraid I will just respond in a codependent matter.
I have no clue who I am, what I want, what I need.
*cries*
Okay, so I need to build my self-esteem. Seems to me the easiest way to do that would be to have some kind of success. Like mastering the Twinkle variations on the violin. I could do that, right?
Maybe I should take a shower. I haven't yet today because I was afraid the company would call while I was showering (yesterday they called while I was out for a walk). And see, I just realized I am allowing them to control my life. Which is silly, and codependent.
I'm sitting here cleaning out my email, and I find a message I had sent to jo@samaritans.org. This is a service from Befrienders International, an organization working to prevent suicide.
Yes, I was suicidal when I wrote the message. The date of the message? 10/15/2002. The day before I was fired from my job.
Woah.
Somehow I forgot just how depressed I was when I was fired. It's light a lightswitch was flipped when I lost my job; I started putting on a brave face for everyone. All I thought about was (a) I had wanted to be fired for a long time; (b) I had been extremely unhappy at that job; and (c) I had already started looking for a new job. I shoved the depression to the side and pretended everything was okay, because I had gotten what I wanted.
But I never dealt with the depression, which made it hard to deal with the job loss. No wonder I'm still unemployed six months later.
Today I am feeling a little bit depressed. I see how insane my thoughts are lately due to the codependency, and I wonder if I will ever be able to think normally. The fear that I might not makes me sad. But I'm working on my recovery, and doing a lot of journaling, which is helping me to face my feelings, so maybe I'll get past the insanity eventually.
