Posted 12:30 PM




Time after time I've turned away from you
When all I had to do
Was surrender to your love
You've seen me stumble, you've watched me fall
And though I've heard you call
I wasn't strong enough

But there's an emptyness inside
Without you in my life
Lord, I hope you hear my prayer tonight
Won't you...

Blind my eyes
'Cause all I see is temptation
Break my stride
When I'm running from the truth
And tie my hands
When I reach out with desire
Go on and do what you must do
Whatever you must put me through
Till I turn to you

I know others fall down on their knees for mercy
But you may have to hurt me
Before I see the light
'Cause I've gone as far as I can go all by myself
You know I need your help
If I'm gonna get it right

I'm tired of struggling every day
Lord, I want to know the way
So now the only prayer I want to pray
Is just...

Blind my eyes
'Cause all I see is temptation
Break my stride
When I'm running from the truth
And tie my hands
When I reach out with desire
Go on and do what you must do
Whatever you must put me through
Till I turn to you

Blind my eyes
Break my stride
Let every want be denied
Whatever you must do
And tie my hands
Ignore my demands
Build a wall that stands
So high I can't get through
Till I turn to you

Till I turn to you

--Till I turn to you, Kathy Mattea

I've struggled with this post for oh so long.

I was raised Catholic. My parents were heavily involved in our parish: my dad was a CDD teacher, and later, an eucharistic minister, and they both served on the Family Life Committee. I have found memories of the church of my childhood. Borrowing religious records from the CDD office. Being a teacher's aid for CDD. Singing in the children's choir. Decorating the Giving Tree. Delivering Easter baskets to Misericordia. Helping out at Family Life movies and potluck dinners.

But something happened in my teenage years. I no longer knew why I was going to church. After all, my sisters weren't going. And I was filled with so much guilt, which I blamed on my upbringing. My faith was shaken. Eventually I stopped going to church at all.

Perhaps my loss of faith was caused by the difficulties I had in high school and college. I was facing depression for the first time in my life. My classes were getting more difficult, but that was likely because I stopped doing homework. I kept odd hours, sometimes staying up until the break of dawn. And I was overeating.

I began to sense that something was wrong, so I tried going back to church. I told myself it was because I liked the music. A few years later I would join the adult choir. I was going through the motions, but I still didn't quite have faith.

The depressive episodes were lasting longer than the periods of happiness. And my eating was out of control. I would hide cookies and candy in my bedroom. I would snack all day. I would eat until I felt sick, and then eat some more to try to relieve the pain.

I couldn't take it anymore. I needed help. And so I went to Overeaters Anonymous. And there I found people just like me. And I met people who were filled with grace and peace, who assured me I could find peace too, if I only worked the program. And so I found a sponsor and began working the Twelve Steps.

Step One: We admitted we were powerless over food--that our lives had become unmanageable.

This one was easy. I knew I had a problem, that I couldn't control my eating. And when I walked into OA the first night, I came not only for help with the food, but help with my emotions. I knew there was a lot going on inside me, and I hoped that OA could help me fix it.

Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.


This one was a little harder. I didn't want to rely on God. I wanted to do it myself! But I was aware enough to realize that I wasn't having any luck fixing my life on my one. And anyway, didn't I come to OA because I knew I needed help from others? So I grudgingly took Step Two, but deep down I wasn't sure how I felt about it.

Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

And here I balked. I didn't want to turn my life over to God. I wanted to be in control of my own life. I struggled with this step for months. Eventually I couldn't face it, and I stopped going to OA.

My faith was still shaken. At this point, I wasn't sure how I felt about God, or if I believed in Him at all.

Life went on. I had good days and bad days. I went to work. I went out with friends. I started dating Roger. I found myself a couple of good therapists, and began taking Prozac. I thought I was getting better.

But again, things took a downward spiral. I stopped reading and writing, and didn't understand why. I lost my job. I began to doubt my feelings for Roger, and wondered if I should end the relationship.

And then Roger said he thought we might be a bit codependent.

Oh, was I angry! I entered our relationship knowing we both had problems with depression. I feared we may become codependent. And we did. Why'd I have to be right?

But the anger passed, and I began thinking. I checked out "Codependent No More" from the library. I read it cover to cover. I did the exercises and went through the checklist, and accepted that I am codependent, and have been all my life. But I also began to understand why I did the things I did. Codependency explains why I am such a people-pleaser at times. Codependency explains why I don't know who I am, and can't decide what my wants and needs are. Codependency explains why I couldn't take Step Three.

So tomorrow I am going to my first meeting of Codependents Anonymous. I think I need it even more than I need OA.

And as for God? Well, I'm still not sure exactly how I feel about Him, but I'm pretty sure He exists. All I can do is pray for faith and trust, and hope I have them someday.

Someday I will.


I am timeless, I am patient
I'm beside you and above
I'm the words when you need comfort
I'm the feeling you call love

You say that you can take or leave me
You think right now that you don't need me
Some way, somehow, young heart believe me
One day you will
One day you will

You're a vessel, you're a temple
You're a journey just begun
You're a young one who is running
You are destined to find love

Amd when you're lost, that's when you'll find me
We can't see till we are blinded
It's already all been decided
That one day you will
One day you will

You say that you can take or leave me
You think right now that you don't need me
Some way, somehow, young heart believe me
One day you will
One day you will

I am timeless, I am patient
I'm the feeling you call love

--"One Day You Will", performed by Martina McBride, written by Richard Leigh and Shane Teeters


talk about it

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