Posted 9:53 AM



So last night I finished my journal. Go me! Used to be in the habit of finishing a journal within a month and a half. This one took me almost a year. Glad that it's done, but really wish it hadn't taken so long.

One of the things I wrote about was love (big surprise there). Have come to the conclusion that love requires faith: faith that you will still love this person tomorrow and next month and ten years from now, no matter how you both change. And that's a scary, scary thing.

Still, I'm sitting here boggling and wondering why it's so easy to love family but it's hard for me to love my boyfriend. Why do I have faith in my family? Is it blood ties? I mean, I love my sisters and my nephews, and I have no doubt that they will always be a part of my life. Why don't I doubt it?

Love also requires commitment. I'm wondering if it's easy to love family because, well, the commitment required is not as much as a commitment to a partner. Let me explain: once you grow up and move out, the time spent with family is greatly lessened. It's easier to commit to them because you only have to commit hours or days at a time. Not a whole lifetime.

So... if love is faith and commitment, do I love Roger? No, I don't. Because I don't have faith that this relationship will continue forever. Because I'm not ready to commit my whole life to him. But I believe that I can grow to love him, that I can learn to commit and have faith. Just not sure how that will happen.



I'm not liking myself much these days. I've spent most of the past few weeks trying not to think about things, which means I have done some things that may not be good for myself. Like having popcorn for dinner. Always eating fast food. Spending money on new clothes. Buying a violin on eBay last night. I'm eating too much and spending too much money and doing nothing. I'm bored and have thus become boring.

Really feel guilty about the violin. But truth is, ever since I lost my job, I've had a strong urge to take violin lessons. And as Barbara says, "What you want is what you need, and you must get it." So I think getting a violin was the right thing for me to do, but my timing could have been better. Like, oh, waiting until I have a JOB?

Anyway.. so yeah, not too happy with my actions lately. Which means it's time to change.

Goals for today: Do laundry. Clean the house. Call mom and wish her a happy birthday. Work on mom's birthday present. Send out at least one resume.

I think I can do that.

talk about it

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Posted 7:27 PM



A graph of my last 50 LJ moods




It's rather heartening to see I've been amused more often than depressed.

Today I hid from my feelings. I ate donuts and pizza and read books and pretended I wasn't supposed to be writing a story about a girl in love. Blah.

Still, I learned a few things today, so it wasn't all a wash. I've been reading this book called "How Can You Tell If You're Really in Love?" by Sol Gordon. The book's title is misleading -- instead of being about real love, it's more about unhealthy relationships and immature love. But still, it reminded me that my relationship is pretty darn healthy and that it's not so bad to have some doubts now and then, as questioning the relationship means I will know exactly how I feel and won't be jumping into any sort of committment blinded by the flush of passion. But most importantly, the book showed me that my instincts are right. See, lately I've felt a strong desire to do some type of service. And just last night I was telling Roger that maybe I need to get back into some of my old interests, like listening to country music and reading science fiction. In other words, I need to define who I am so I don't feel my relationship is all that defines me. And since the book devoted two whole chapters to "finding your voice", this goes to show my instincts are right. :)

Gosh, I feel smart.

talk about it

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