There are times in your life when you reach a singularity. When instead of just one worry or pressure, you are being hit from all sides. Sometimes we crumble from the pressure and become a black hole. And sometimes we explode into a supernova.
It's this latter phase I'm in now. There are so many things happening in my life right now: I'm dating, my parents are moving, my sisters are pregnant... This is enough to occupy my time, yet I still feel the need to push myself even more. It's as if I've had enough of my status quo, even with the pressures it's brought on me, and long for a change. I want to clean my house and rearrange the furniture. I want to redesign my website. I want to find a new job (I've started a thread to help me discover what that job might be; I'd love to hear your comments). I want to move forward and move on. I'm just not sure HOW.
One thing I did was decide not to return to choir this year. I had many reasons. It takes up a night of my week. It requires me to get up early Sunday morning. I've had problems singing due to my sinus troubles. I don't like the attitudes of the people in choir. But perhaps the most important reason for leaving choir is that I will no longer see my ex-boyfriend in church. I've realized I need to cut myself off completely from him, because he still irks me to this day, and it's not healthy to have that much anger.
I also realize I am no longer that same girl I was three years ago when I was dating him.
Now I play CCGs and RPGs. I cock my head like a dog when I am typing merrily away on the computer. I'm no longer a fan of Star Wars, and am now a fan of Lord of the Rings. I've done a marathon and have gone to writingworkshops. And I care much more about family and friends than I did just a few years ago, and am willing to really work at my relationships.
TsuKata: you do have a pensieve though xnera23: i do? TsuKata: it's your journal, and your blog...I mean, it's not quite as magical...but that's what you describe doing...dumping it all out on paper to let it swirl around until something gets fished out... xnera23: yeah, i suppose you're right. i think I'm not adding the right ingredients, though. like forgetting the yeast when you bake bread. instead of a nice fluffly loaf all I get is a squat, hard mess TsuKata: well, possible...but maybe you just need to give it time to rise...pensieves don't work right away either...dumbledore had his full for a long time and was still just noticing things when harry found it. xnera23: gah. me impatient. me want answers NOW!
And there you have it, folks. I'm just an impatient little child who doesn't want to put forth the hard work required to get ahead in this life.
Okay, so that's kinda harsh. And it's not entirely true. This year has been pretty darn good for me. I've learned so much about friendships and myself and life that I feel I've suddenly grown up. But I still have much more growing to do, and part of that lies in doing what I must. But I don't know where to start.
I wish I had a Pensieve; that I could draw all my thoughts out of my head and put them aside where they could brew until the answer coalesces into a whole from their parts. But I am not a witch. I cannot wave a magic wand and make everything okay. There must be pain and confusion and battle.
And so I prepare for the war in the usual ways. I journal and I think and I eat, knowing that for all my preparations I am still dancing away from the truths deep within. I know that I have tough times ahead, and I am sure I will survive them, but I am still scared. Like stained glass, I must be broken before I can be put back together into a more beautiful whole.
Tonight I am up late. I have had the remnants of the ice cream. I have read some terrible HP fanfiction in which Draco is an emotional basketcase who can't bear to be away from Harry for more than two seconds (hurl, hurl). I have cleaned the kitchen and run the dishwasher and bought a new purse--all good things, yet their glory pales as I realize I am still pushing away from my awful fate: I must relive some painful moments in my life, and by writing about them, finally give up their power over me. I know now all I need do is pick up the pen and start pouring out my soul, but instead I write this pretentious blog and draft a sickingly sweet romance and do everything except face my inner demons. I long to start the fight, yet I realize I am still not ready. I wonder if I'll ever be.
