Posted 12:29 PM



I have guilt.

Not surprising, since I'm Catholic. We excel at guilt. It's practically an artform for us.

I have guilt that I am not spending more time with TsuKata, who is going through an immensively difficult time right now. Not that I haven't been thinking about her. No, Ryan's loved ones (which definitely includes TsuKata) have been on my mind constantly this week as I've been praying that they find the strength to get through this difficult time. But I feel I should do more. Call her, hang out with her, email her, something. But I haven't done anything except get obsessive about LOTR card sorting.

Just what does a girl have to do to find a cardboard storage box for her cards, anyway? I have driven all over town and visited four gaming stores, and the result was nil. No boxes to be found anywhere. So then I took my search online. Spent a good hour perusing gaming sites, looking for boxes. And indeed, I found boxes. The kicker is either I had to place a bulk order of 1,742 boxes -- or I could order them individually, but then the shipping charge would cost more than the total price. I tried to find a site that would allow me to order a box of LOTR boosters as well, but no such luck. Either they sold cards, or they sold card supplies, but not both.

Now a sane person would have given up a long time ago and asked TsuKata if she had spare boxes (she buys them in bulk), but she has more important things to deal with than a crazy box-hunting depressive friend. A sane person would also have simply told themselves, "Self, you can buy boxes at gaming on Thursday; why not wait until then?" But I am not sane. I have the mind of a depressive, and my mind demands that I find the perfect box NOW or I shall have no rest.

Which explains why I've been a bit cranky this week.

Meanwhile admist the box-hunting, there's also a search for a new purse. This is equally as frustrating as attempting to acquire storage boxes for your LOTR cards. Purses are a personal and almost sacred item: nothing will do but for it to be the correct size, shape, and color, with the right kind of closures (zippers, not snaps) and other features. I found a cute red purse that had everything I wanted, but it was too small. A black purse was the right size, but didn't have the right compartments. A third purse would have been perfect if it wasn't a pukey rainbow color. Bleargh. The purse search will likely go on for a while.

All this frantic searching is just a way for me to escape the deep thoughts I've been having, such as the previous-mentioned guilt over being a bad friend to TsuKata. There's also the underlying worry over my extreme lack of writing, the nervousness around my boyfriend meeting my family this weekend (not major nervousness, but it is there), the sadness over TsuKata's loss of Ryan, the fear of dying myself some day, and countless other things that keep nipping at my mind like those stupid ankle biters in Gauntlet. So yeah, like always I have been trying to escape from the hard things in life by distracting myself with needless worries like the box-hunting and the fear of getting out of bed in the morning and the urge to organize my videotapes. You just gotta wonder sometimes what's really important in life. And deep down I think I know, but I still shy away from it because it's just too damn hard.

And now I have guilt that this is too long because it's all stream of conciousness and I should probably edit it but I don't feel like it and wasn't I going to type up that list of LOTR cards I still need? Need to do that.

talk about it

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Posted 2:19 PM



Oh, hell.

Last week was tough. Was sick over the weekend, took Monday off of work, worked late on Wednesday installing a mainframe, moods swung for three days, got wiggy, had intense cuddling session, got wiggy again, started journaling to get things out, found out best friend lost her best friend, cried all day, hung out all weekend. Talk about emotions. They were everywhere.

This week -- well, it's been good in a way. The drugs have kicked in, and I've had a spurt of competence at work and home. Actually did lots at work this week so far -- go me! Been kinda obsessed with LOTR TCG again. Keep visiting gaming stores in search of cardboard storage boxes for massive sorting session.

Been having deep thoughts all week. It's kind of comforting, actually, because for far too long I've shut everything out and refused to think about anything. No wonder I've felt like a ditzy blond (not, actually -- brunette with strawberry-blond highlights). The deep thoughts are welcome 'cause it means I'm actually starting to face life again. But they're also scary and causing some panic. Concurrently, I've been luminescent for two months now. Wow. Boggles the mind.

Must try to write more later on deep thoughts. They need expressing.

(Been reading too much Cassie Claire these days. Am definitely channeling her writing style again. Bugger that.)

talk about it

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