Dear Marryandrew,
Recently I had a dream. It mapped out events for me for a couple of years to come. In
the dream I had what it took to change the world, I found the person who would help me out
and the world would finally see openess and oness with the world itself instead of money.
Some of the events in the dream have already come true...but in order for the rest to happen
I have to give up my one dream that I have sought for so long; love. What should I do?
Should I abandon my one hope and change the world, or do I help myself, I can't decide.
-Dreaming
Dear Dreaming
I will start with a quote from Freud: "Women are lacking in the capacity for sublimination, hence are incapable of participating in higher culture."
Now these words establish Freud as a genius. So now I shall tell you what this genius has to say about dreams. Freud says when you dream about openess you in fact are dreaming about masturbation. He further establishes that in dreaming about oneness you are dreaming about masturbation.
Conclusion: quit playing with yourself.
Dear Marryandrew,
Why are men so insensitive? Every time I try to talk to my boyfriend about our
relationship or ask him how he feels, he just shrugs it off and when my girlfriend
Jill's sister died he just told her that it happens. Why are they like that?
-(Damn bitch didn't leave her name)
Dear Bitch-who-doesn't-have-the-simple-courtesy-to-leave-any-kind-of-a-name,
Men aren't insensitive, it's just that women don't listen very well. For example: the other day when I asked my girlfriend how her friend was doing, she didn't even offer to ask her friend to join us in a three-some. It's this kind of casual neglect that causes some men to become defensive and sometimes appear insensitive. For example: after I return from a hard day at work (in addition to writing this column, I work four hours a week as the Chief Supervising Inspector of Post-It pads) I expect the house to be clean, dinner ready, the lawn mowed and gardens weeded, the dog walked (never mind, that's a man's job), the mail sorted, laundry done, clothes ironed and laid out for the next day, my favorite TV show taped and the card table set up with snacks for my poker buddies. That's not too much to ask for, is it? It's not like I want her to wash my car (not that I'd ever let the bitch touch my baby) or dust my guns.
Women are too self-centered. They always worry about me, me, me. They don't even stop to think "Hey, I bet my man would like it if I got up early, made breakfast and served it in nothing but my apron."
Perhaps, Bitch-who-didn't-leave-a-name, if you tried simple things like that last thought, you would have a happier relationship and a less cynical outlook on men.
You'll have to excuse me now; my dishwasher broke so I have to go and slap her.
Dear Marryandrew,
What do lesbians consider sex? How do they know if they've had sex with a girl, or just
fooled around? Like... you pretty much know when you've had sex guy-girl wise, and even
guy-guy wise, do lesbians consider sex being stuff that like a guy-girl would do just fooling
around?
-Waycurious
Dear Waycurious,
Boy are you in luck! Not only am I well read (Freud), not only am I a sensitive guy (bitch-who-didn't-leave-a-name), but I also happen to be a lesbian.
I happen to have had sex with 3,587...um hold on a sec, I think that's the door... (15 minute pause)...3,588 women and I am the expert on the subject! This is what lesbians consider sex: tongue penetration of any orafice usually covered by lingerie, holding each other tenderly naked while rubbing breasts together; or you could just fuck her. Now some women....oh, that must be the mail...(20 minute pause (better the second time))...3,590 (training in the new girl)...aren't satisfied unless you whip out the battery operated stimulants, which is why you should always have your egg beat-her 2001 in hand. While other women prefer...oh, good. UPS special delivery...(8 minute pause)...3,591...bondage.
Of course what all women really want, deep down inside them, is a man. Without one they are empty, helpless, worthless bitches-who-don't-leave-their-names.
Return to other stuff.