Forbidden Donut: Mr. Rowe, what exactly is your position in the Elder Party?
Elder Party: Director of communications and tentacle welfare.
FD: How did your candidate begin his career in politics?
EP: Spending eons dreaming dark thoughts is bound to start someone in politics.
FD: We've heard a lot of excitement about the "Contract on Earth" but what exactly is the contract?
EP: A simple guarantee that he will fulfill his promise of No More Years! with nitty gritty detail as to how this will affect all the current issues of the day.
FD: We also have some questions on issues not covered in the official Elder Party platform that w would like to ask great Cthulhu about. Where does he stand on abortion?
EP: Cthulhu will end all abortions forever.
FD: What is Cthulhu's view on the Tobacco industry and their alleged role in corrupting the youth of America?
EP: Cthulhu will end all smoking. Among the young, the old, and even Jesse Helms.
FD: As president, how will Cthulhu deal with the ever-increasing violence of today's society?
EP: Cthulhu will end all violence.
FD: What is his stand on drugs?
EP: Cthulhu will end all drug use.
FD: We here at Forbidden Donut have heard nothing of Cthulhu's foreign policy. What is it?
EP: Cthulhu will treat all nations as exact equals and treat none worse than any others. He will end all wars and religious divisions.
FD: In the literature that we received, Cthulhu has proposed some rather lofty goals, such as: ending all government waste forever, guarenteeing taxes will never rise, wiping out the deficit, heath care in which "everyone will be provided for for the rest of their lives" and to end world hunger…just to name a few. It's very easy to say he'll do these things, but how exactly will Cthulhu bring them about?
EP: He will destroy the Earth.
FD: Oh. What are Cthulhu's views on American made products given the increasing competition of foreign markets?
EP: I think that given Cthulhu is promising to destroy the entire Earth, the fact that he is running for election here says enough about his great unflinching respect for the American worker.
FD: A reliable source has contacted the Forbidden Donut Intelligence (FDI) claiming that presidential nominee Cthulhu has repeatedly instigated unwelcome sexual advances toard members of his staff. Do you think there is any truth in these allegations?
EP: Cthulhu is an it, and has no need for sex. Such allegations will not be tolerated under his administration.
FD: A Forbidden Donut correspondent covering the '96 GENCON Cthulhu for president rally reported a startling new entry into the presidential race: the Undead Trout. Given the tension between Cthulhu and Dr. Herbert West, is it possible that the Undead Trout could replace the Doctor as Vice Presidential Nominee?
EP: The Undead Trout is still stuch to his own platform and refuses to move. We at the Cthulhu Campaign HQ see no possibility of a change this far downstream.
FD: Considering Cthulhu's great age, wouldn't he be more susceptible to viruses and diseases of the mind, such as alzheimers? When was the last time your candidate was inspected by a physician and what were the results?
EP: Cthulhu is beyond common problems such as aging. Since he does not age and is perfect in all ways, he will happily release his medical record to any who wish to see them.
FD: Why didn't presidential nominee Cthulhu attend President Nixon's funeral? Everyone who's anyone in the political world attended except for your candidate. Was this a blatant show of disrespect to the american people?
EP: Cthulhu is still temporarily detained beneath the pacific Ocean in R'lyeh sleeping until the stars are right. However, he sent pleasant dreams to all who attended in respect for the passing of such a great statesman who shared Cthulhu's views on many issues.
FD: Sources have also claimed that The Bridges of Madison County (in it's original Amish) is treated as a bible in the Cthulhu household. How do you respond to this damning allegation?
EP: An aide was recently discovered possessing such a blasphemous tome, but they have been eaten.
FD: Cthulhu ran in both the '88 and '92 elections with neither much support from the media or the American people, falling just behind Bill the Cat in the polls. How can Cthulhu possibly expect to generate enough support in the '96 elections to justify the cost of his running?
EP: The source of Cthulhu's funding is protected by the Constitution.
FD: Don't you think that the stars will be more in favor of his election in the year 2000?
EP: Absolutely, in fact his election we want to make sure that we are really just positioning ourselves for 2000, when the stars will be right.
FD: Do you have anything else to say or any comments you would like to make on behalf of great Cthulhu?
EP: No More Years! No More Years! No More Years!
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