My story begins in 1993, Hurt and pain had already entered my life at the age of 8, I had been molested by an elder male cousin and deal with aabandonment issues. My parents went through their own trials and tribulations. I was emotionally detached from both of them. By the age of 17 I had already experimented with alcohol and marujana but at that time I did not like the effects of them but formed an addiction to cigarettes.

My soul had been violated from the molestation that I endured that traumatised me to the point that I knew I was a female but I felt unworthy. I felt that the prince that I formed in my mind would never come, my dreams were shattered, I went looking for love in all the wrong places.

I experienced my first Intimate Partner Battering relationship with my daughters father. I became pregnant for the first time at the age of 16, but at my daughters fathers request I got an abortion. I thought he knew best because he was older. I became pregnant again. This time I refused an abortion, I was still hurting from the last one. My beautiful little princess was born July 16 1986, that was one of the happiest days of my life.

With all the hurts and never accomplishing anything in my life so far, I had terrible grades in school, which left me feeling more depressed. I finished something and the reward in my arms that day was this beautiful precious baby girl.

As I sat at the foot of my grandmothers bed, all the pain I had felt in life could not prepare me for what I was feeling right then, my heart was hurting so much it was unbearable. My grandmother was dying from pancreatic cancer, she had installed so much LOVE, FAITH AND STRENGTH in me even though she herself had been a vicitm of Domestic Violence by my grandfather, and still had eleven children and a host of grandchildren and still did her best to nurture each and everyone of us, plus members of the community. She protected me, comforted me and she was the only person who loved me unconditionally besides my daughter and she was leaving me.

My alcoholism had started but it was not enough to supress the hurt I was feeling, so my prescription drug abuse to Vicoden began in Sept 31 1993 when my beloved grandmother passed away in our family home, when she passed away the fog of darkenss came.

I tried best to function, I tried to be the best mother to my baby girl, but with the alcohol and pills the clubs came and then the man, after leaving her father I got involved with a drug dealer who did not help my self esteem. That relationship ended after six abortions, five years of arguing, fighting, totally dis-respecting each other to the fullest, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to endure.

I had been too absorbed by alcohol that my judgement of people was hazy and off balance from the Vicoden and still dealing with childhood wounds that never healed. In June 1995 I met my sons father and thats when the real nightmare begins.

I was overwhelmed with depression, my grandmother was gone, I would cry all the time and it hurt so badly I thought my heart would fall out. My daughter was now spending more time with my mother. When my sons father entered my life, I felt it was time for me to settle down and have what I thought  to be a normal relationship. I knew I wanted another child ( a son) and I wanted to get married. My sons father was very charming and my mind was in a fog of craziness from the substances I was consuming.

My sons father had already displayed jealous outbursts, he did not want me to speak to other males, but in my mind he was cute. Two and a half years had passed and I had not concieved my son, I thought God was cursing me because of the abortions that I had had, so I went to a OB/GYN specialist and he started tests. About 6 months later I becamne pregnant with my little prince, thats when the abuse began and the substances continued to weaken my body. I did not want to believe this person ( which today I know was more mentally ill then I was) was doing these hateful things to me while I was carrying his baby. The emotional and mental abuse caused my body to become stressed. I had complications, my whole pregnancy, at my sons birth he was in so much distress the umbilical cord broke from him and he kicked a hole in my uterus, while Kaiser Hospital tried to induce my labour. I was rushed to emergency surgery where I received a C section because my son flat lines. He had to be revived 2.3 times, we were both traumatized from this ordeal but it had not even started yet.

My sons father would become very abusive towards me and both my children. He would pick confrontations with my daughter to get the whole house in a uproar. He would tell me to stop showing affection to my son because ' he did not want a punk for a son', I was scared that my son would develop problems. The Vicoden was the only thing by this time that allowed me to function and to take care of my son. It tried to drink myself to death to try and drown the abuse out. This man even tried to pick fights with my then 2 year old son because he wante me which was in his mind his own territory. This man went as far as trying to take my parental rights away from me to control me, to allow himself to treat me the way he wanted to, but I refused. We had joint custody and separated. I moved home to my mothers. I could not find employment. This man had taken my car and the jobs that I did work he got me fired. He had physcially abused me. He had violent outbursts twice and I received contusions to my body. I had a feeling that would see other people but I didnt care as long as the bills were paid. My children and I had fun when he wasnt around.

In April 2003 I was overwhelmed with anguish, there were more deaths in the family, after my grandmother, my cousins, my uncle, and one of my favourite aunt, my mothers baby sister and my grandfather followed behind her.

Along with the molestation, hurt, pain, violations, emotional detachments from my mother and father, substance abuse, depression, low self esteem, broken heart and more pain after pain after pain. Then this person who was supposed to love me was always hovering over me, my being was overwhelmed and I experienced a mental breakdown at Mare Island while walking my then 3 year old son, and all these elements cause me to accidentally drop my precious son in the water, but PRAISE GOD, and if no one knows him and how good he is, its me, my son was lifted out of that water by an angel who jumped in and saved him.

I am still a princess and my father up above loves me and that all that matters, my innocents were taken from me by a sick person that I had no control of, but what I can control today is myself to know that I am fearfully and wonderefully made by my father and  I am worthy of the goodness that he has installed in me on my lifes journey.;

Today I sit in Valley State Prison for Women for being abused and now I suffer abuse from the system. But finally I am a peace with myself, all of those layers of hurts and pain, burdens of pain have been uplifted from me, the depression, the alcohol, the drugs, the dysfunctional environment and the people that once were in my life are gone. PRAISE GOD. Finally I dont have to wake up and look at that abusive man anymore.

My life is dedicated to helping other human beings to overcome trial and tribulations of life. I pray that this story can comfrot, help, enlighten someones life so that they can stop the cycle of dysfunctional lifestryles, for those generational curses to stop. My Children and I Pray that this story will  help society.

FINALLY  - I can do something that I want to do and that is to work for Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, May God Bless

Sincerely Yours,

Cheauvon L. Brown

PO Box 96

VSPW   D-1,06,4up

Chowchilla, Ca 93610