Instead, I took a walk outside. And there were holiday shoppers galore. Man those people were scurrying around like mice. What a sight it was to see! I looked at all the women dressed up so nicely and thought, wouldn't it be nice to take that one home? Or that one? I wonder if that one's ever been tied up before. I wonder if that one's ever been spanked. I wonder if that one saw Okoge. I wonder if that one reads pulps. It's true! I was driving myself crazy, wondering this, wondering that. Finally I gave up on it, because it really is all such a joke. And I kept walking. And I came to the end of the street, to the Ferry Building where all was happy and gay.

Actually, it wasn't happy and gay, it was quiet and empty and serene. But you get on a certain track and then that's it, that's where you're heading, that's the direction you're going, and you have to follow it to the end just to see where it goes. Or you won't ever really know where you started from.

On the pier around the Ferry Building there were two old men fishing. I walked along the railing out there and looked at the water. The wind was blowing cold. I felt funny. I think I was starting to remember something about the pier that didn't have anything to do with the fishermen. I started wishing that whatever I was starting to remember did have something to do with the fishermen, because then I would have a much richer heritage to pass along. Something about fishing, man, I don't know. But as it turns out, my lore isn't about casting and reeling, netting and gutting. As a matter of fact, I don't really have much of a lore, now that I think about it. Except for a whole lot of drinking. But something was definitely bothering me. And then I remembered.

It was a few months ago, and Jocinda and I were quite drunk. We were driving around the city making out and drinking wine. It was a very bad night. It was the last time I slept with her. The only reason I wanted to do it was because she'd said before that she couldn't ever sleep with me anymore. So I wanted to do it just one more time, to show her how flaky she was.

We pulled into the parking lot of the Ferry Building and got out of my car. I knew exactly what she wanted because I've wanted it myself many times. Possibly, if I could have given it to her, I would have. But something always holds me back.

So we went back to her house and made out some more. Maybe we drank more wine, I don't remember. I touched her body some, but we didn't do much. We didn't say much either. She rolled over and fell asleep. At the time I didn't wish for a better life. At the time I was, for some reason, content with what I had. Only because it was just a little more than what I'd had all along before that. It was a very bad night. In the morning we had breakfast together.

After remembering I looked around and thought, why did I want to come out here? What a mistake, I thought, looking around. I don't want to see her again, I don't ever want to talk to her again. I wish I could wipe that whole part of my life away, erase it, go back and do it all over. Maybe if I never came this far, to the end of the street, to the pier, I never would have remembered in the first place. But all that's really just a load of crap. Because I'll never forget. I started on a path a long time ago, a path with her, with Jocinda. I guess maybe if I knew then what I know now, I'd never have let it get as far as it did. But you get on a certain track and that's it, that's where you're heading, and you have to follow it to the very end, or really you'll never know where you started from. Life is like fishing, it's like a fish. You cast, you reel. It's like a bottle of wine. Whatever, yeah. You do the thing, call it what you will. I walked the length of the pier and looked out at the bay, the bridge, Treasure Island. Like as if there's really treasure there. No way. Man I tell you, life, it's all just one big mystery. Just like that island, man.

And I kept looking back at those fishermen. I kept thinking, got to get me a pole, man. Got to get me a pole, so I can fish. Because as far as I can tell, that's the important thing. Fishing. Not that woman, those bad nights with her, or the shoppers on the street, or the drink I didn't have. Cast and reel, man. Well, you figure it this way, man, you give a guy a decent rod, a decent reel, give him a little bait, and a river or an ocean to fish in, and you give him a fishing license, so he doesn't get arrested, and you give him a jacket to keep him warm and a hat if he wants one, oh yeah and hooks and weights and line and all that stuff, and you give him a day off from work and, well, by golly, he'll fish! Yes indeed, a man will fish -- that's the truth. Yep, the Good Lord knows, a man will fish...

Where was I?

Oh yeah. So I'm stuck with it, I'm stuck with my past. The truth is, man, you take the walk, and you walk all the way to the end of the walk, and even if you find out you never should have taken the walk to begin with once you get down there, it's too late, because you already took it, you took the walk. What do you do from there? Hell, man, I don't know. I just wish I had a pole to fish with, personally. Maybe something about the rhythm, cast and reel, I don't know. It just seems to me like things would be better then. Anyway, it'd give me something to do, on the long days, on the bad days.

So well after just a few minutes on the pier like that, I got a little bored of remembering Jocinda and thinking about fishing, and I started on back toward Market Street, toward home. I started thinking along the lines of credit, like how I could use what credit I have to maybe get a slice of pizza, or even a beer. But seeing as the only credit I really have is at the video store across town, and I wasn't going to go stand out in front of it to find someone who'd give me their three dollars so I could go in and rent their video for them against my credit so I'd have those three dollars to spend, seeing as how I wasn't going to do that, I quit thinking on the lines of credit.