Whoever said 'LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep
with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking
difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.
Rule Number One:
The deeper the sleep the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal
deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines
to a more appropriate part of the bed.
Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the
center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping.
The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics
are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and,
with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.
Rule Number Two:
Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed,
wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have
thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running,
kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out
with a bit of "sleep running," lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a
shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up
call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping
curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap.
Rule Number Three:
The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall
asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet
slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing
wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a
distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position
itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent
results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could
romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue
in an unsuspecting ear.
Rule Number Four:
When the dog wakes - you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason.
Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented,
heavy and loud.
Author Unknown.
