Q: Where were you born?
A: Houston, Texas - at the time a dusty crossroads frequented by regularly scheduled cattle drives, horse rustling (which can be very loud depending upon the size of the horse) and visits by land speculators from Brooklyn.
Q: What was it like on the day you were born?
A: It started like any other day, warm, pitch black, comfortable; and suddenly I was blinded by an immense harsh light and picked up bodily by some huge, oddly dressed creature and then dangled by the feet - I can only assume it was an Alien Abduction, but of course the memories were partially erased. The only other thing I can recall was some idiot screaming at the top of his lungs, which was pretty annoying.
Q: What did your mother do then?
A: Nothing but lie down with a look of relief on her face, as far as I could tell.
Q: How did your father handle this?
A: Since I was about six weeks premature, I think he was secretly hoping that the hospital had switched babies on him, but no such luck; I understand that he was handing out cigars to perfect strangers for some unfathomable reason.
Q: What Sign were you born under?
A: Beware of Falling Rocks, which may explain a great deal.
Q: Where did you grow up?
A: Galveston, Texas, which in my youth was the haunt of pirates and savage cannibals, and that does not count the people not actually members of the Chamber of Commerce. There were so many chests of Buried Treasure about that after hurricanes swept the island the public were warned about going barefoot due to the splinter problem.
Q: That's preposterous!
A: No, it's just ridiculous; preposterous would be my account of the German U-boat that surfaced in a fountain at 23rd Street and Avenue P in 1944 and asked for directions to "Ze nearest large Tanker-ship, bitte".
Q: (sigh) All right, then, what was it like growing up in Galveston?
A: Sandy.
Q: That's it? Sandy?
A: Well, and oppressive.
Q: Um, oppresive?
A: No, "oppressive" with two esses.
Q: Sorry. Um, oppressive?
A: Oh yes, always being told to "pick that up," or "put that down," or "let go of the cat," or "come out with your hands so I can see them, and I mean now," that sort of thing.
Q: And how long did this last?
A: Until I started going to school, where I was too dazed by Phonics to get up to very much mayhem.
Q: What did your father do?
A: He was a doctor: a Psychiatrist, in fact.
Q: Gosh. That must have been interesting.
A: I don't know; do you think it was interesting?
Q: Well, I suppose having a doctor in the family must have made you feel special in some way...
A: I see; and just how do you feel about that?
Q: Well, I...say, just a minute here!
A: Yes?
Q: I'm the one asking the questions here, you know.
A: Do I?
Q: Of course you do, you, uh, er, um, that is - (cough) - So what did your mother do?
A: She picked up after my father, mostly.
Q: Oh. So when did you leave Galveston?
A: You might better ask, when did Galveston leave me?
Q: Very well, when did Galveston leave you?
A: It didn't, I left it.
Q: Then why - alright, when did you leave Galveston?
A: In 1965, to go to college, though I kept coming back on a regular basis, my mother couldn't change the locks fast enough; but after college graduation in 1971 I moved back to Houston.
Q: And since then?
A: Got married, bought a house, divorced, worked on the Radio full and part-time for an aggregate of nearly 30 years, sold advertising, media shows, books (still at that bit), records, do freelance voice work, drive carefully, got married and moved to San Antonio, am kind to my two cats, watch birds, keep my nose clean, vote regularly, follow Baseball and Basketball with some interest, read, write, try to keep up with the Film scene, try to get my house remodeled and sold, do situps, socialize with my small but select set both here and online, and see my dentist when I can afford to. I got a computer some years back. Oh, and I recently underwent a very successful prostatectomy, and may now deem myself a Cancer Survivor.
Q: Ah.
A: Precisely.
Q: Not much more to say, is there?
A: Not really, unless we count the business with the mayor's wife and daughter and Airedale awhile back.
Q: Say, what about that business?
A: I'm answering no more questions, you disgusting pervert!