I'm talking about Fajita Pollution.

Fajitas, if you don't know, are strips of marinated meat (usually beef or chicken) which are broiled, along with peppers, mushrooms, onions and any other scraps laying around the kitchen.  (Unless you're a vegetarian.  Then they leave off the meat, but charge you the same price.)  This is served on a hot, sizzling platter along with warm tortillas and garnishes.  Some assembly is required.

Now don't misunderstand me -- I like fajitas.  They're delicious.  If airlines could figure out a way to serve fajitas, they wouldn't be disappearing faster than honest politicians.  But I must place civic duty above all else, including my fondness for fajitas.

What makes fajitas especially dangerous is the many different types of pollution that they generate.  Nuclear waste dumps pale by comparison.

First, and most obviously, fajitas foul the air in restaurants.  They float past your table, belching great quantities of smoke -- fragrant smoke, to be sure, but still smoke.  Now, the Surgeon General has told us for years about the dangers of second-hand smoke.  As far as I'm concerned, smoke is smoke.  If I wanted to breathe fajita smoke, I'd do it right: I'd roll it up, stick it in my face, light one end, and inhale deeply.  (Are fajitas available in menthol with a filter tip?)

Second, consider the noise problem.  There is no such thing as a quiet fajita.  They sizzle and pop and crackle all the way through the restaurant.  In fact, I suspect that the servers take the longest possible route to their table so that everyone will have a chance to hear the sound effects.  All conversation stops, and every head in the building spins around to get a look.  (Sort of like a traffic accident, except you can't eat the cars afterwards.) 

I got a terrible case of whiplash last week when I turned to look at a platter of those insidious things going past my table.  When my doctor asked me how I hurt my neck, I managed to moan, "Fajitas."  The doctor nodded sadly.  "Third case this week," he said.

Certainly your clothing may become polluted.  There is absolutely no graceful way to eat a fajita without making a mess.  If you try to pick one up, the ingredients will ooze out from both ends, getting sticky goo all over your new sweater.  You could try using a knife and fork, but fajitas are difficult to stab.  The bite of food will spring right off the fork, with the same sticky goo-on-sweater result as your previous attempt.  Chopsticks?  Sticky goo.

And let's not overlook the problem of thought pollution, possibly the worst kind.  You see that platter of tasty-looking meat, in Heart Association-approved portions, and all those fresh vegetables, and it looks...well, it looks so healthy, and it smells so...so delicious.  And then it hits you -- you didn't order it!  You're having your usual sliced fat and calories drenched in cholesterol sauce, which suddenly doesn't seem nearly as tasty as it did a few minutes ago.  Now you're angry that you didn't order the fajitas, and you're ready to find that jerk who did and punch his lights out.  The back of your neck gets red, your blood pressure increases, and you have morphed into Dirty Harry, waiting for someone to make your day.  I am convinced that many freeway shootings began when a plate of fajitas passed the wrong table.

No doubt about it -- FP is a serious problem.  This calls for quick government intervention -- within two years, if possible.  (For the government, that's quick.)  Here is what must happen:

The Surgeon General should require a warning label on every restaurant menu and on every tortilla (they can be stamped on with grape juice, like those USDA stamps on meat).  The warning should say something such as, "Warning -- the Surgeon General has determined that fajitas are baaaaad news!"

Restaurants must be required to have "fajita-free" sections.  These sections must have separate air conditioning, must be totally surrounded by opaque curtains and must have piped-in music loud enough to drown out fajita sizzles.  (Gothic heavy metal would be ideal.)  To get customers from the front door to the special section and back again, restaurants should be required to provide blindfolds, ear plugs, nose plugs and guide dogs. 

It should be obvious, of course, that restaurants should be required to carry liability insurance for fajita-related injuries.  Perhaps they should have a masseuse on staff, just in case.

Some of our felony laws will have to change, as well.  A person who commits a freeway shooting should be able to enter a plea of "Not Guilty by Reason of Fajitas."  And if they happen to shoot the one who ordered the fajitas, that should be considered justifiable homicide.  We may even want to give them a medal for community service.

Of course, nothing can happen without the support of the people.  This means you.  Write to your legislators and demand fast action on FP.  Work to form community support groups for those who have suffered from fajita-related injuries and disorders.

Stamp out FP now!

Now if you'll excuse me...all this writing is making me hungry...