What's Your Pleasure, Sir?

The Eighth Circle
of Hell

I meet nearly weekly with a group of comics aficionados and creators to watch horror movies, bad movies, and bad horror movies. We focus primarily on bad movies, for which I'm convinced that their makers will be consigned to a Dantean hell.

The group:

David Lamontagne

Steve Mangold

Todd Sanchez

Nick Tamney

Nathan Wiedemer

Upcoming movies include:

Blood Reaper

Evil Remains

Curse of the Komodo

To date, we've watched the following movies:

Beyond Re-Animator	David	Starring, of course, Jeffrey Combs, this Brian Yuzna movie had it all: severed heads, naked nurses, and zombie inmates. But most of all, it had a fight between a rat and a detached penis. Absolutely made the movie for us.
Beyond Re-Animator	Steve	Rat vs. penis: funny. Flying torso man: awesome. Waiting an hour and fifteen minutes to get to those points: boring.
Street Trash	David	The guy who directed this has been a cameraman on practically every movie ever, so the camera work was pretty good. This movie also featured a severed penis. Steve makes a good point below; the skank was ugly. We were also concerned that she might be a guy through most of the film, and our anxiety went through the roof when she started disrobing near the end.
Street Trash	Steve	More penis throwing than you can shake a stick at. Bryan Singer was a grip on this film. I put those two sentences next to each other! This one was almost competent. It reminded me of a Garth Ennis comic. Some pretty cool scenes and character designs. The penis throwing scene was actually close to brilliant in timing and payoff. And it has the ugliest skank ever. I'm not kidding, the skank is ugly. She causes instant impotence for two weeks. It's scientifically proven. For two weeks after viewing the film I observed lab rats trying to procreate, and I didn't get one erection.
Undead	David	You know, sometimes I want to see a zombie movie, and sometimes I want to see an alien movie. Those desires never intersect, and this movie was no exception. The first half-hour was great, though, especially when the old lady got wiped out by the meteor.
Undead	Steve	I'm not opposed to the idea of having a zombie movie with aliens, but somehow they made it predictable. SPOILER WARNING The film was made in Australia. END SPOILER
The Irrefutable Truth About Demons	David	Irrefutable! No, really, it sucked. The only thing that got me through it was Karl Urban, whom I like despite the fact that he's not very good.
The Irrefutable Truth About Demons	Steve	Although the title is misleading, it does contain some truths. "The" and "About" are particular truisms in the title. There are Demons in the film too. Satan is played by a Rob Halford look-alike. At least I think it was Satan. Maybe just a Satan worshipper. From here on out, all main villains in horror movies I will be referring to as Satan.
Vampires vs. Zombies	David	I think this movie was made when someone lost a bet. The actors looked like they were trying not to laugh in a lot of scenes, except for the male lead, who had surely been told that this was going to be a porno. I'm not sure which was worse: the zombies in blackface or the lead actress putting her hand between her legs, then bringing up fingers covered in blood and casually remarking, "I think I'm having my period."
Vampires vs. Zombies	Steve	The first movie in the Brinke Stevens trilogy. You know a movie has gone wrong when they choose to make the Catholic school girls into ugly zombies instead of hot vampires. I was disappointed in the lack of vampires actually fighting zombies, but it was more than made up for by having the zombies and vampires randomly walk around never crossing paths.
Birth Rite	David	This was like The Craft, but awful. It doesn't matter whether you like The Craft; it's still true. Watch for the sister, who's shaped like a Robert Crumb girl. She sure emoted the hell out of the death scene of the main character (oh, right—spoiler alert), her sister. As the sister stared blankly at her sister's necklace and pretended to cry, all I could think was, "BFF, Rip Torn. BFF." (See Steve's cogent observation below.)
Birth Rite	Steve	The second film in the Brinke Stevens trilogy. Between this and Vampires vs. Zombies, I've seen enough ill-formed boobs to last a life time. Satan is really boring and a soap opera version of a male. He likes to snap his fingers and stand on things. Sometimes he sits on things. The rest of the movie is nowhere near as scary as the Lovecraftian nightmare they call a lead actress. Not as ugly as the Street Trash skank, but somehow worse. Like a demonoid shape-shifter trying to approximate human form. The film is drastically improved if you imagine Rip Torn in place of the lead actress. But this is true of any movie.
Torque	David
Torque	Steve