"The Inquisition Polka"

(Italics indicate spoken lines - sing to your favorite polka tune.)

Lyrics by Bruce Palmer, St. Andrew's Presbyterian Church, Austin, Texas

(arranged for the annual St. Andrew's Talent Show, April 1997)

Omnium Polkatus! Quapropter Lutheratii habeo totae iocus!*

*Or, in the vernacular: Why should the Lutherans have all the fun?!

Word has come down from on high:

They don't think our morals are enough.

Ministers and Elders too,

Must be made of sterner stuff!

You can't join the ministry

If you can't throw that first stone.

Spread the word to every corner:

The Inquisition's back in town!



The Inquisition's back,

To put us back on track!

Our morals were too lax,

Like unrepentant yaks;

The Inquisition's back.


Question: Why is a lesson in morality like electroshock therapy?

Answer: Because somebody else decides that you really need it, and then both of you agree that it really is better to give than to receive.


Only living people sin,

Ministers must be a different sort.

Gone the days when we could watch

Elders as they'd happily cavort!

Married closets are all clean.

All the rest have skeletons.

If you have a backbone, don't apply!

The Inquisition's back in town!




Once it was so easy: if it was any fun at all, don't do it! But then when having fun had been outlawed, only outlaws had any fun!


"Love thy neighbor as thyself,"

From the start that's been the only way.

"Open minds and open hearts,"**

That's the word, unless you're gay!

Minor changes will be made,

Edit the New Testament.

Jesus and his bunch must be removed!

The Inquisition's back in town!

**St. Andrew's motto is "Open Minds, Open Hearts, Open Hands."




Now, we've all heard that AIDS is God's judgement on the unrighteous. But wouldn't that mean his favorite people must be lesbians?


The Inquisition's back,

To put us back on track!

The problem will be fixed

When Elders are age six!

The Inquisition's back! Ole!

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