1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Talk to it softly. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and
repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly
with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call your spouse
in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Have spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into
its mouth. Drop pill down, remove ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy
new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get your spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow pill down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to
take taste away. Apply band-aid to your spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of
dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, hold cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of steak. Hold cat’s head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches
fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for the local animal shelter to get cat and call local pet shop to see
if they have any hamsters.
