October 25, 2007: a memorable day. Finsterbaby treated SOMC fans to a list of ‘Things Cats Must Remember’ which she had received from a friend via e-mail, (posted with comments after Spainard's photo). Before copying it here I did some searching on the internet to see if I could locate the original source of said giggle-inducing rules. I wasn’t successful but I did find a very similar (and larger) list at www emmitsburg.net/humor/archives/animals with attribution given to ‘my little sister Anna’. Combined, they create quite CATalog of do’s and don’ts so I’ve taken the liberty of CATegorizing them a bit . . . enjoy!  [The "emmitsburg.net" rules are marked with an asterisk.]

* I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly.

* Despite its name, birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

* I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

* I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

* The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl.

* I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.

* Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.

* Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

* I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.

. . . when it comes to food

It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee

* I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

If I put a live mouse in my food bowl,I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry.

The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor.

I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat.

* I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

* A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.

. . . when it comes to my house

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

* I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer.

* When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.

* I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

* When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

* I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

* I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

* I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.

* I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

* I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.

* I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

. . . when it comes to keeping myself amused

* I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys.

* I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. Furthermore, I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And, I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.

I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

If I play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true.

* I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

AND . . . when it comes to my human(s)

* I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

* I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.

* I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."

* I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

* If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.

* We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans’ while they are trying to sleep.

* If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.

* I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files"

* I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.)

* I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end.

* When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

As talented as I may be with kitty litter, my human will not be impressed with my attempts to build sand castles in the litter box.

* I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.