Quotable Sam

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Manchester, Part 1

Male reporter: The speech is done?
C.J.: The speech is done, they're just ironing a few things out.
Female reporter: Toby and Sam don't have any problems with Bruno's people?
C.J.: Everybody's getting along great. They're dotting the 'i's and crossing the 't's.
Sam: This thing reads like an Andy Williams special. (He throws a handful of papers in the air.) We're starting all over again with a white piece of paper.

Sam: She [C.J.] actually is tired, Leo. We all are.
Leo: Well, why don't we go with that, Sam. Let's go out and say we're all tired. The President's tired. Complications due to MS.
Sam: We haven't had much time...
Leo: You had a week. How much time do you need?
Sam: Some of us have had more time than others!

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Ways and Means

Ainsley: (approaching from behind) Excuse me.
Sam: Hey!
Ainsley: You need a haircut.
Sam: Shouldn't you be someplace keeping me out of jail?
Ainsley: I'm taking a break.

Sam: Te subió al podio en la maldita convención, Victor... (You were up on the podium at the damn convention, Victor...)
Victor: Porque necesitaban una cara morena. (Because they needed a brown face.)
Sam: Estás equivocado. (You're wrong.)
Victor: No estoy. (I'm not.)

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

War Crimes

Josh: Why?
Sam: Why?
Josh: Yes.
Sam: 'Cause this country is populated with unbalanced people. Many of whom find their way to Washington as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.
Josh: He wants to abolish the penny?
Sam: He doesn't want to abolish it as much as he wants to give his boss a reason why we can't.
Josh: Well, it's stupid.
Sam: Yeah, the thing is, it isn't really.
Josh: Really?
Sam: Turns out the majority of pennies don't circulate. They go in jars, sock drawers. Two-thirds of the pennies produced in the last thirty years have dropped out of circulation.
Josh: You've been reading about this?
Sam: It's interesting.
Josh: No, it's not.
Sam: The mint gets letters with pennies taped on notebook paper--letters from citizens who've found the pennies on the street and mailed them back to the Treasury to help pay down the debt.
Josh: It's almost hard to believe that plan hasn't worked.
Sam: It's also bad for the environment. Production requires the mining of millions of tons of copper and zinc each year.
Josh: Zinc?
Sam: In 1982, they changed the composition to 97.5% zinc and only 2.5% copper.
Josh: Sam?
Sam: I'm turning into one of the funnel people.
Josh: Yeah.

General Adamley: We're eliminating genocide. What are you doing?
Sam: Eliminating the penny. So I'll come back.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Gone Quiet

Tawny: Sam, have you heard of Andrew Hawkins?
Sam: No.
Tawny: You funded his performance piece recently which involved him destroying all his belongings outside a Starbucks in Haight Ashbury.
Sam: I've done that a couple of times. I didn't know there was funding available.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Indians in the Lobby

Sam: Anything else I need to know?
Josh: Don't go through the lobby.
Sam: Why?
Josh: Indians in the lobby.
Sam: Is that code?
Josh: No. There are Indians in the lobby.
Sam: Okay.

Bernice: Hey, Sam.
Sam: How ya doing, Bernie?
Bernice: I'm not wild about people calling me Bernie.
Sam: Sure. What should I call you?
Bernice: Bernice is fine.
Sam: But how will you know I'm your buddy?
Bernice: I'm okay living in the dark on that.
Sam: Okay.

Sam: So, three statisticians go deer hunting. The first one misses ten feet to the left. Second one misses ten feet to the right. Third one jumps up and down and says, "I hit it." You gotta like a guy who comes up with a statistical analysis joke. Certainly you would if you had let me call you Bernie.
Bernice: Sam....
Sam: Shouldn't we test the math before the President signs off on it? Create a pilot program, experiment for two years?
Bernice: Test the math?
Sam: Yeah.
Bernice: You think we did this with an abacus?
Sam: You know, I've always wanted to learn how to work an abacus. 'Cause on the first date when the check comes and you pull that thing out of your pocket and start adding up the tip....
Bernice: Well, that and your statistics jokes will have you blazing a path through the capital women.
Sam: Yeah.

(Teleplay: Kevin Falls & Allison Abner and Aaron Sorkin)

H.Con-172

Regarding the impending publication of a book about The White House...
Bartlet: Why does it matter?
Sam: Excuse me?
Bartlet: I said, why does it matter?
Sam: Well, because I don't think it's such a good idea to be casual about the truth.
Bartlet: Neither do I.
Sam: Thank you, sir.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

100,000 Airplanes

Sam: C.J. asked me if the reason we didn't get married was because her name would have been Lisa Sherborne-Seaborn.
Toby: That's funny.
Sam: Yeah.
Toby: So why didn't you get married?
Sam: Hmm?
Toby: Why didn't you?
Sam: She didn't like me very much.
Toby: Ah.

Bartlet: Sam?
Sam: Yes, sir?
Bartlet: Why shouldn't I do it [announce a plan to cure cancer]?
Sam: I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

C.J.: Sam, Sam, the sunshine man. Get on the couch. I'm going to do you right now.
Sam: Okay.
C.J.: Sorry, I was still talking to Carol.
Sam: What is wrong with you?
C.J.: We really don't know.

Sam: It got the job done, but it's ironic that a thing, a sort of a thing between us [Sam and Lisa] is--I'm supposed to know the difference between flash and substance.
C.J.: Sometimes a little flash is what's required. You said that to me.
Sam: I say that when I don't have anything to say.
C.J.: It wasn't a Vegas act. It was stirring. And I wouldn't hang your head when you say it got the job done. That job was impossible and it had to be done. There aren't ten guys in the country who could write that speech.
Sam: I'll bet the cancer committee can't wait to buy me a beer. (Sam pauses. C.J. puts her hand on his chest.) Hey, I'm just...you know. Anyway, congratulations. And if you're serious about that thing with Carol, I can just sit in the corner and not even say....
C.J.: Get out.

Sam: Why didn't we get married?
Lisa: Why do you think?
Sam: 'Cause I don't know what the cool restaurant is and I don't care. When I get hungry, I want to eat. And I don't know where the Tommy Hilfiger party is, and I don't know what to do once I get there.
Lisa: You're full of crap.
Sam: I was never cool enough for you.
Lisa: You're full of crap and you think too little of me and I didn't leave you, you left me and you did it to do this. And the reason you're pissy is because I'm here looking at you and writing about you and you're wondering if I'm gonna think you've been doing anything at all.
Sam: Often it's not clear to me whether or not I have.
Lisa: You have.
Sam: How would you know?
Lisa: I don't know.

Reading his piece about curing cancer, which was cut from the State of the Union...
Sam: Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Two Bartlets

Toby: (answering the phone) Yeah.
Sam: Hey. I'm gonna guess where you are right now.
Toby: Okay.
Sam: Wheels-up was 5:35, heading west northwest. You're not at your cruising altitude yet, so I'm gonna say an average of 400 knots with a light headwind. I'm gonna go ahead and guess Cumberland, West Virginia. Am I right?
Toby: I have no idea.
Sam: Well then, we'll just say I'm right.

Sam: Who brought it to your attention?
Bob: Let's just say, a friend of ours.
Sam: A human friend?

(Teleplay: Kevin Falls and Aaron Sorkin)

Night Five

Toby: He [President Bartlet] liked it.
Sam: Yeah?
Toby: He liked it a lot. Mostly what I wrote. Not so much what you wrote.
Sam: Yeah? So how long, you think, before the old lady comes by to give you a whoopin'?
Toby: Her office called already, didn't they?
Sam: You bet, baby.
Toby: (sighs) You probably wanna rethink calling me baby, right?
Sam: Yeah.

Ainsley enters, wearing a formal, black evening gown...
Sam: Whoa, Nellie!
Ainsley: Hello.
Sam: Hayes, you could make a good dog break his leash.
Ainsley: I was at a social function.
Sam: Americans for the Preservation of Family Values and White People?
Ainsley: The Federalist Society.
Sam: A hootenanny.

After an office temp, Congresswoman Wyatt and Toby have spoken harshly to Sam...
Sam: Okay, well, I'm gonna step out for a minute and not be in this area anymore.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Dead Irish Writers

C.J.: Hey.
Sam: Hey. Jack Enlow?
C.J.: No, it's C.J. Cregg. We've met.
Sam: And laughed and laughed. Is Jack Enlow at the party yet?
C.J.: I'm not at the party yet.
Sam: Fair point.
C.J.: Look, if you're planning on starting a rumble with Enlow, can I send the press home?
Sam: I'm not an instigator.
C.J.: Yes, you are.
Sam: Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.
C.J.: I'll say this about you, you can wear a tuxedo.
Sam: I know.
C.J.: I know you know.

Enlow: I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.
Sam: 'Cause you're scared of my threat?
Enlow: Yes.
Sam: Good.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The U.S. Poet Laureate

Sam: Well, Bud Wachtel's in my office right now.
C.J.: Of course he is. Don't give him anything he wants.
Sam: I'm told I seldom give anybody what they want.

Sam: By the way, my Princeton Tigers could whip your Cal Bears any day of the week.
C.J.: At what?
Sam: Logarithms, possibly.

Wachtel: There's a heavy stench of partisanism in the air, Sam.
Sam: Actually, you know, they just sprayed for bugs.

Sam: (to Ainsley) You lose, I win. 'Twas ever thus.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Enemies Foreign and Domestic

Sam: I got a letter last year asking me if I would donate my brain to a medical school in Granada. I tell ya, there are days when I think, "Yeah, why not just get it over with."

(Teleplay: Paul Redford and Aaron Sorkin)

The Black Vera Wang

Bonnie: You like a good hotel gift shop, don't you?
Sam: I do.
Ginger: What do they eat in Helsinki?
Sam: They eat moose.
Ginger: You ate a moose?
Sam: No, I don't like eating things where the cartoon character can talk and, you know, hatch a plan.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Posse Comitatus

Toby: He's [Ritchie] at the Yankee game right now?
Sam: Local news covered it. He said this was how ordinary Americans got their entertainment.
Toby: I've been to 441 baseball games at Yankee Stadium. There's not a single person there who's ordinary.
Sam: I know.
Toby: You making fun of the Yankees?
Sam: No.
Toby: Now?
Sam: I'm not!
Toby: They went to the Yankee game.
Sam: He's coming at intermission.
Toby: Well, I'm not sure that suits me.
Sam: I know what you mean.
Toby: Making an entrance after the President. That's just not how we play bridge. It's not how we say cricket.
Sam: Okay, but you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
Toby: Just talk to me.
Sam: How many people are at the game?
Toby: It's a good game. About 40,000 probably.
Sam: There was an incumbent president who was facing a primary challenge. And on the day of the primary his staff sent his motorcade into a district that was heavily favored by his opponent in order to tie up traffic. Now I would like to make it plain that I would never do anything to tamper with an election...
Toby: I am so proud of you. (He squeezes Sam's face.)
Sam: You're really very much freaking me out.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Season One Quotes

Season Two Quotes

Season Four Quotes

Season Seven Quotes