Quotable Sam

Season Two:

The Midterms

Bartlet: Morning, everybody. Anybody know what the word "acalculia" means?
Sam: It's an inability to perform arithmetic functions. I'm sorry, Mr. President. You wanted to answer your own question, didn't you?
Bartlet: Yeah, but I'll get over it.
Sam: Good for you, sir. That's very mature.
Bartlet: Shut up.
Sam: You're not over it yet, are you?
Bartlet: No.
Sam: Okay.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

In This White House

C.J.: Sam, I really gotta admire the way you came into work this morning, head held high.
Sam: And I appreciate your being the one person who's managed to abstain from heckling me.
C.J.: No problem. There's a whole bunch of women over there. Why don't you ask them whether Geneva's in Switzerland or Oregon.
Sam: Okay...
Toby: Go to my office.
Sam:...me and you, twenty questions, short answer, general knowledge test. Right now.
Toby: Go to my office.
Sam: I'll spot you two questions.
C.J.: For how much money?
Toby: Go to my office
Sam: I'm going to his office.
C.J. clucks like a chicken.
Sam: She's making the chicken sound.
Toby: Go to my office.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

And It's Surely To Their Credit

Josh: Okay, uh, there's $50,000 worth of hospital bills they're saying they don't cover. You know what that means?
Sam: You may have to get yourself a job mowing lawns after school.

Sam: Lionel?
Tribbey: What are you looking at?
Sam: I'm...nothing. I'm not...nothing. Except it's from Penzance.
Tribbey: It's from Pinafore.
Sam: I hate to stick my head in the lion's mouth, but I gotta ask you--were you the Recording Secretary of the Princeton Gilbert and Sullivan Society for two years?
Tribbey: No. Then again I'm not a woman, so?
Sam: I'm just saying.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Lame Duck Congress

Sam: I can't unleash my full potential in a two page summary.

Sam: I need your help.
Ainsley: Really?
Sam: Let's not make a big deal out of it.
Ainsley: No, it's sweet that you need my help.
Sam: I don't need your help. I'm asking for your help, so let's not make a federal....
Ainsley: (pretending to talk on her cell phone) Dad, it's me. Sam's asking for my help.
Sam: Put the phone down.
Ainsley: Gotta go, dad. I need to help Sam.
Sam: You must've had them rolling in the aisles back in Georgia.
Ainsley: I'm from North Carolina.
Sam: Wherever it was that you studied baton twirling.
Ainsley: That'd be Harvard Law School.

Ainsley: You want me to summarize your recommendation and give it to the President.
Sam: Yeah, then I want you to skip to Tijuana in a dirndl skirt.

Josh: He's [Vassily Kononov] sitting in the car with a woman who I imagine is either a security attaché or a hooker.
Sam: Please tell me it's not....
Josh: It's no one you know, Sam.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Portland Trip

Toby: Sam and I are gonna work for a little bit. You'll have draft copies to distribute to the press in about three hours.
C.J.: It was already distributed.
Sam: Wh-what do you mean?
C.J.: It was already distributed.
Sam: You have to get it back.
C.J.: I can't get it back.
Sam: C.J....
C.J.: They know you're polishing it.
Sam: Well, I'm doing more than polish it, C.J. You gotta get it back.
C.J.: I'll tell them there's a new draft and they should wait until....
Sam: And you gotta get the old draft back.
C.J.: They're not gonna read it.
Sam: They might.
C.J.: So what?
Sam: It's very bad writing and it's got my fingerprints all over it.
C.J.: Sam!
Toby: C.J., try to get it back. (to Sam) Come on.
Toby and Sam walk away.
Steward: Miss Cregg, do you know what you'd like for dinner?
Sam: (reentering) Try to get it back.

Bartlet: You know why late flights are good? Because we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality. Ask the impertinent question. Talk about the idea that nobody has thought about yet. (pointing to Sam) Put it a different way.
Sam: Be poets.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Shibboleth

Sam: Well over three and a half centuries ago, strengthened by faith and bound by a common desire for liberty, a small band of pilgrims sought out a place in the new world where they could worship according to their own beliefs...and solve crimes.
Toby: Sam....
Sam: It'd be good.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: By day they churn butter and worship according to their own beliefs and by night they solve crimes.
Toby: Read the thing.
Sam: Pilgrim detectives.
Toby: Do you see me laughing?
Sam: I think you're laughing on the inside.
Toby: Okay.
Sam: With the big hats.
Toby: Give me the speech.
C.J. enters and talks to them about various Thanksgiving activities.
C.J. ...every time we come up on a holiday, you guys check out like seniors who are done with finals.
Toby: We are writing a very important Thanksgiving proclamation.
Sam: And possibly a new action-adventure series.

Josh: Don't bring it up at the meeting.
Sam: It might slip out.
Josh: Shove it back in.
Sam: Okay.

And here it is, slipping out...
Sam: A guy writes a play called Apostles in which Jesus Christ is gay and you protest--fine. But when a guy threatens to blow up the theater, you guys are nowhere to be heard from.
Mary: That play was disgusting.
Sam: So you're committed to religious freedom for all people, unless you don't like what they have to say?
Mary: That's not what I'm....
Sam: Don't look now, but I think the playwright's headed to China.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Galileo

Sam: Who wrote this?
Scott: I did.
Sam: You're from NASA Public Affairs?
Scott: Yeah.
Sam: You mind if I polish it?
Scott: Is there a problem?
Sam: No, it's great. You mind if I change it?
Scott: I'd prefer if you didn't.
Sam: Just the same....
Scott: Public Affairs has cleared the text. If it's going to be changed, I'd prefer if the President changed it.
Sam: See, that's kinda what he pays me to do.
Scott: Look, I don't want to step on your toes, you don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.
Sam: Yes, I suppose, if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.

Sam: Write this: "Good morning. Eleven months ago a 1200 pound spacecraft blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida. Eighteen hours ago..." Is it eighteen hours ago? We're on the air at noon eastern.
C.J.: Yeah.
Sam: "Eighteen hours ago it landed on the planet Mars. You, me and sixty thousand of your fellow students across the country, along with astroscientists and engineers from the Jet Propulsion Lab in Southern California, NASA Houston and right here at the White House, we're gonna be the first to see what it sees. And to chronicle the extraordinary voyage of an unmanned ship called Galileo 5."

Sam: In the meantime, Mallory's gonna be there with her boyfriend, and it's gonna be weird because we haven't spoken to one another since the picture. Which was wrong, I know, but I'm not even sure there was an implied obligation to do that. Please, let's remember, it's not like we were dating. It was a flirtation. We had one date, and the rest were all with groups of people, and I don't know, I don't even know what dating is anymore.
Toby: Well, that's twenty seconds of my life I'm never gonna get back.

Mallory: Hey, Sam. How ya doing?
Sam: I'm good.
Mallory: Good.
Sam: And you?
Mallory: Good.
Sam: Excellent. Could I just say that I was the one who was in trouble. I was the one under siege. It was my picture in the paper and I don't know why I needed to call you and explain myself.
Mallory: It was a picture of you and a call girl.
Sam: Oh, like there aren't any pictures of you and a call girl?
Mallory: No, there aren't any pictures of me and a call girl.
Sam: Well, that's a crime.

Sam is sitting in a limo with the door open, talking on the phone to Josh.
Josh: Is she there?
Sam: Mallory?
Josh: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah, she's here. She snuck up on me from behind. You'd think women would make more noise with those big high heels, but they don't. They've got this stealth thing going which I really ought to be clever enough....
Mallory knocks on the window on the other side of the limo.
Josh: What was that?
Sam: Nothing.
Josh: She's there, right?
Sam: Yeah.
Josh: How's she look?
Sam: She looks pretty good.
Josh: Can you describe what she's wearing?
Sam: Well, yeah, 'cause she's standing right in front of me now.
Josh: So you want to get off the phone?
Sam: Yeah.
Josh: Okay.

Sam: There are a lot of hungry people in the world, Mal, and none of them are hungry 'cause we went to the moon. None of them are colder, and certainly none of them are dumber 'cause we went to the moon.
Mallory: And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?
Sam: Yes.
Mallory: Why?
Sam: 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave. And we looked over the hill, and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean, and we pioneered the West, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.

(Teleplay: Kevin Falls and Aaron Sorkin)

The Leadership Breakfast

Sam: See, here's the thing. This looks like spruce to me, and spruce is soft wood. Soft wood burns out quickly. You know what we need for a slow burning fire?
Josh: A hard wood?
Sam: That's right.
Josh: That's interesting.
Donna: Where did you get the wood?
Josh: It was sitting in the thing.
Donna: I think that is meant to be decorative.
Josh: It's wood. We're not burning Benjamin Harrison's log cabin.
Sam: You know what?
Josh: What?
Sam: We might be.
Josh: Why?
Sam: It was made out of spruce.
Sam exits, while Josh gives Donna instructions about seating at the breakfast, then...
Donna: You're not using lighter fluid or anything, are you?
Josh: No! No flammable liquids of any kind to start a fire. Ever.
Sam: (enters) Found it.
Josh: What?
Sam: Kerosene

Josh and Sam continue to try and build a fire.
Josh: You wanna stand them in a tripod, right?
Sam: Yeah. Standing three sticks on end and slanting them to a common center.
Josh: Isn't that a tripod?
Sam: Yeah, but....
Josh: You just thought you'd say more words.
Sam: Yeah.
Donna: (enters) Josh....
Josh: Hang on. You know what we need?
Sam: Dried leaves.
Josh: We need dried leaves.
Donna: To move Jancowitz, we gotta move either the House or the Senate whip.
Sam & Josh: House.
Donna: Why?
Sam: 'Cause life is tough in the big, cruel world, and if he doesn't like it, he can kiss me.
Donna: So the spirit of bipartisanship begins?
Sam: Yeah.
Josh: Could you possibly get us some dried leaves?
Donna: Yeah, I'll just run out to the forest and be right back.
Sam: You know what?
Josh: You think she's being sarcastic?
Sam: Yeah, I don't think she's getting the leaves.
Josh: You know what we could use?
Sam: Newspaper?
Josh: See, this is what I'm talking about. This is teamwork.
Sam: It really is.

Sam: Here's the thing....
Donna: What?
Sam: I don't do well with Karen.
Donna: Why?
Sam: I get nervous.
Donna: What happens?
Sam: I become unimpressive.
Donna: In what way?
Sam: In many ways.
Donna: You don't fall down, do you?
Sam: When?
Donna: With Karen.
Sam: Once.
Donna: You'll be fine.
Sam: You think?
Donna: You'll be impressive.
Sam: I never have been before, but that's no reason to think I'm not gonna do it.
Donna: Right.
Sam: You know why?
Donna: Doesn't really matter.
Sam: Perseverance. You get right back on the horse. I am going to sit there and she's gonna go home saying, "That Sam Seaborn's impressive. I'm gonna say nice things about him."
Donna: Reach for the stars, Sam.
Sam: I will.
Donna: Good.

Donna: How'd it go?
Sam: It went great. (to Josh) I had to talk to Karen Cahill last night.
Donna: Did you fall down at all?
Sam: I did not. In fact, we were talking about the stability of former Soviet Republics and their fear of Islamic extremism, and I have to say that I made some very scholarly points regarding the remaining nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan, and I have to believe....
Josh: Kazakhstan.
Sam: Hmm?
Josh: The nuclear weapons are in Kazakhstan.
Sam: Did I say Kyrgyzstan?
Josh: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah, well, Kyrgyzstan has no nuclear weapons.
Josh: No.
Sam: Kazakhstan is a country four times the size of Texas and has a sizable number of former Russian missile silos.
Josh: Yeah.
Sam: Kyrgyzstan's on the side of a hill near China and has mostly nomads and sheep.
Donna: I'm sure you got it right last night.
Sam: Yes. I'm sure. Okay.

Sam: I said the wrong one.
Donna: Maybe not.
Sam: I'm fairly certain.
Donna: You had a 50-50 chance.
Sam: It was Karen Cahill. There was a 99 in 100 chance of saying the right one and I said the wrong one.
Donna: Why do you guys get worked into a lather over Karen Cahill?
Sam: She's a very influential woman.
Donna: You're a very influential man.
Sam: She's a columnist. She gets the last word.
Donna: You talk to lots of columnists.
Sam: She has some kind of special powers.
Donna: You think?
Sam: Yeah.
Donna: Well, maybe you didn't get it wrong.
Sam: I got it wrong.
Donna: No, maybe there really are remaining nuclear weapons in Kyrgyzstan.
Sam: There are barely pots and pans in Kyrgyzstan.
Donna: You think The New York Times is going to make fun of you?
Sam: I do.
Donna: Well, you're kind of used to that by now, right?
Sam: Yeah.

Sam: Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna go up to her, "Hi, I'm Donna Moss. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Josh Lyman's assistant." You just had to come up to her 'cause you knew she'd get a kick out of this. "Sam Seaborn is being so cute. He was talking to you and he thinks he may have said Kyrgyzstan when he obviously meant Kazakhstan."
Donna: Sam Seaborn's being so cute?
Sam: It'd kill you?
Donna: No.
Sam: Thank you.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Drop In

Sam: How are we going to reduce the level of those green house emissions, you ask?
C.J.: Through the Clean Air Rehabilitation Effort.
Sam: Yes, which you can read about in bullet points beginning on page eleven. Please don't skip the footnotes and please don't just read what's underlined.
C.J.: Question.
Sam: Yes?
C.J.: Were you able to get girls to go out with you in high school?
Sam: Yes.
C.J.: Really?

Sam: Final draft?
Ginger: Well, it's the twelfth draft. Whether it's the final draft is really up to you.
Sam: Was that sass?
Ginger: Yeah.
Sam: Yeah. Okay. The difference between a good speech and a great speech is the energy with which the audience comes to their feet at the end. Is it polite? Is it a chore? Are they standing up because their boss just stood up? No. We want it to come from their socks. We've got a half an hour. Let's read this again.

Sam: You left me out.
Toby: Yeah.
Sam: You think I'm the reason you got beat on the leadership breakfast?
Toby: I got creamed, Sam.
Sam: You think I'm the reason?
Toby: I didn't want the discussion.
Sam: Then what are you doing here talking to me? (beat) Now you want the discussion. You and the President may think they deserved it. But the cynicism of attacking your friends for political protection offends them. And it offends me. It offends you and there's really nothing I can do to make you feel better about that.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Bartlet's Third State of the Union

Sam: Where'd you get the bathrobe?
Carol: The gym.
Sam: There are bathrobes at the gym?
C.J.: In the women's locker room.
Sam: But not the men's. Now that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and fifty women.
C.J.: Yeah, and it's the bathrobes that's outrageous.

As they walk through the hall...
Bartlet: Listen, you scored big on some of the stuff I fought you on.
Sam: Yes, and I know a way you can repay me.
Bartlet: Repay you for what?
Sam: For you being wrong in the face of me being right.
Bartlet: I owe you money for that?
Sam: Oh, not money, sir.
Bartlet: I owe you anything for that?
Bonnie: (passing by) Great job, sir.
Bartlet: Thank you.
Sam: Ainsley Hayes has been working here for three months, and she's still a little frightened of meeting you. If you should happen to run into her in the halls, maybe you could make a point of introducing yourself and welcoming her personally.
Bartlet: Don't you already get paid?
Sam: Randomly, in the hallways, in the next few days, you two are bound to be in the same place at the same time. I'm just saying....
Charlie: Mr. President....
Bartlet: Hang on. Is there anything in particular you'd like me to say?
Sam: I think if you said something along the lines of, "You know, a lot of people assumed you were hired because you were a blonde, Republican, sex kitten. They were obviously wrong," and to keep up the good work.
Bartlet: That's really good.
Sam: Yeah.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The War At Home

Sam: Last night you were scared to meet him [the President].
Ainsley: And I'm still scared to meet him, but I'll overcome that in order to erase the humiliation that I've brought upon myself and my father.
Sam: You are just in your own little Euripides play over there, aren't you?

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Ellie

Morgan: I'm here for a Sam Seaborn scolding?
Sam: Yeah. 'Cause it makes me crazy, Morgan. This is exactly the kind of thing that should be celebrated by First Amendment advocates. Charlie was offered a choice and he made one. Why aren't you standing up saying, "See, it works. You don't have to ban movies like Prince of New York. You just have to choose not to watch them." And, Morgan, you ever call the President a coward again for your own PR purposes, it's not gonna be C.J. Cregg you gotta deal with, it's gonna be me. You understand what I'm saying, right?
Morgan: Yes.
Sam: Now why don't you go back to your meeting and show me how much you want to make it up to us.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Somebody's Going to Emergency, Somebody's Going to Jail

Sam: They're expecting trouble at the National Geographic Society?
Leo: I have no explanation.
Sam: Well, those little postcards they stick in the subscription magazines drive me out of my mind, so maybe....

Donna: It was people pushing paper around fifty years ago. Why does it matter?
Sam: It was high treason and it mattered a great deal. This country is an idea and one that has lit the world for two centuries. And treason against that idea is not just a crime against the living. This ground holds the graves of people who died for it, who gave what Lincoln called, "the last full measure of devotion." Of fidelity. (choking up) You understand the last full measure of devotion to...treason against them is....

(Teleplay: Paul Redford and Aaron Sorkin)

The Stackhouse Filibuster

Sam: I'm about to miss the 7:30 shuttle. If I miss the 8:30, I miss the last train to Sag Harbor.
C.J.: You can spend the night in New York.
Sam: I've only got two nights. And you gotta see this house.
C.J.: It's cool?
Sam: It's a Frank Lloyd Wright.
C.J.: Isn't it cold in Sag Harbor right now?
Sam: We wear sweaters. It's a Tommy Hilfiger ad.

C.J.: Hey, Sam...who's your favorite writer?
Sam: Toby.

Sam: Let me tell you people something. The GAO needs a little housekeeping. And that's my nickname, okay? I'm the housekeeper.
Toby: (enters) Hey.
Sam: God, that's a terrible nickname.
Josh: I'd start getting used to it for awhile.
Toby: Let me talk to you for a second.
Sam: I'm not going with that nickname anymore.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

17 People

Sam: (shouting off-screen) Ainsley? (approaching Ainsley's office) Ainsley? Ainsley?
Ainsley: Hello, Sam.
Sam: Didn't you hear me shouting?
Ainsley: Yes, I did.
Sam: And?
Ainsley: I chose to ignore it.
Sam: Because?
Ainsley: You were shouting.
Sam: You're adorable.
Ainsley: Yet ill-adored.
Sam: Go figure.

Sam: Eight years ago, Donna's boyfriend broke up with her, so she started working for Josh, but then the boyfriend told her to come back, and she did, and then they broke up, and she came back to work....(off Donna's look) I thought you meant you didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.

Trying to punch up the speech for the correspondent's dinner...
Sam: Yeah, we're doing great. We're doing great, everybody, right?
Ed: Sam, we've got one here, but it involves a John Wayne impersonation and a sock puppet.
Sam: Yeah, we're eating it.

Sam: Self-deprecation.
Ed: Yes.
Sam: Self-deprecation is what we need.
Larry: Yes.
Sam: Self-deprecation is the appetizer of charm.
Ed: We need jokes about the staff.
Sam: We need jokes about the staff.
Ainsley: Let's start with you.
Sam: Problem is, there aren't many jokes you can make about me.
Donna: How 'bout this--umm, knock, knock, who's there, Sam and his prostitute friend.
Sam: See, I think that was a bit of misdirected anger there.
Donna: I'm okay with that.
Sam: Well, in that case, Ainsley, you know why I got you flowers in April instead of February? 'Cause you ditched me the first time around to go back to the guy who ditched you the first time around, only to have him ditch you the second time around.

Ainsley: And oftentimes, women make less money over the course of their lifetimes because they choose to.
Sam: Oh, good night, nurse! They don't choose to make less money. They're financially punished for having kids.
Ainsley: They made a choice to have kids.
Sam: Well, not necessarily, if you guys have your way, but that's a different can of tuna. I flat out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.
Ainsley: Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

Sam: So, guys, when I was downstairs, I made a decision. I'm gonna register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom loving people.
Ainsley: We also like beef.

After Ainsley's passionate speech against the ERA...
Sam: I could have countered that, but I'd already moved on to other things in my head.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Bad Moon Rising

Sam: I'm less visually observant than others, but I make up for it.
Lt. Lowenbrau: How?
Sam: With cunning and guile.

Sam: Hang on. I know this piece of music. I love it.
Ainsley: Isn't it great?
Sam: No, but there's a reason I like it.
Ainsley: Well, it's beautiful.
Sam: But there's another reason. Hang on.
Ainsley: It's called Air on a G String. Could that be...?
Sam: Yes. Thank you.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

The Fall's Gonna Kill You

Toby: He calls you and me the Batman and Robin of speechwriting.
Sam: Well, I don't think he does.
Toby: He doesn't, but he should, 'cause that's what we are.
Sam: Okay.
Toby: We're Batman and Robin.
Sam: Which one's which?
Toby: Look at me, Sam. Am I Robin?
Sam: I'm not Robin.
Toby: Yes you are.
Sam: Okay, well, let's move off this.
Toby: You bet, little friend.
Sam: Listen, we're really not Batman and Robin.
Toby: No, we'll keep those identities secret. I'm Bruce Wayne and you're my ward.
Sam: Toby....
Toby: Dick something.

Sam: Henry, last fall, every time your boss got on the stump and said, "It's time for the rich to pay their fair share," I hid under a couch and changed my name. I left Gage Whitney making $400,000 a year. Which means I paid twenty-seven times the national average in income tax. I paid my fair share. And the fair share of twenty-six other people. And I'm happy to 'cause that's the only way it's gonna work. And it's in my best interest that everybody be able to go to schools and drive on roads. But I don't get twenty-seven votes on Election Day. The fire department doesn't come to my house twenty-seven times faster, and the water doesn't come out of my faucet twenty-seven times hotter. The top one percent of wage earners in this country pay for twenty-two percent of this country. Let's not call them names while they're doing it is all I'm saying.

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Two Cathedrals

Sam: President Bartlet's not a candidate. He's the President.

Sam: I want to bring it up again.
C.J.: Why?
Sam: 'Cause I got shouted down the first three times, and I work here just like you do. Can I help you?

(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)

Season One Quotes

Season Three Quotes

Season Four Quotes

Season Seven Quotes