Season One:
Pilot
Billy: (a reporter) Just tell me who to call.
Sam: The White House, as you know, was built several years ago, mostly, if I'm not mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in right now, the Roosevelt Room, is very famous. It was named for our 18th president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The chairs that you're sitting on were built from the lumber of a pirate ship captured during the Spanish-American....
Sam: Ms. O'Brian, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss' daughter.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Sam: Well, you could dial 1-800-BITE-ME.
Mallory: That would be me.
Sam: You.
Mallory: Yes.
Sam: Leo's daughter's fourth grade class.
Mallory: Yes.
Sam: Well, this is bad on so many levels.
A Proportional Response
C.J.: I don't care what it is, I care what it looks like.
Sam: You ever tried to overthrow the government?
Josh: It's not like you didn't know you were going to be held to a higher standard when you took this job.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Sam: And I care what it is. And I think it's high time we all spent a little less time looking good and a little....
C.J.: A little more time being good?
Sam: Yes.
C.J.: Yeah, I've heard that before.
Charlie: No, sir.
Sam: What the hell's been stopping you?
Sam: I don't mind being held to a higher standard. I mind being held to a lower one.
The Crackpots and These Women
Leo: I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I'm preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge--over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Bob: We'd like the White House to pay a little more attention to UFO's.
Bob: Something's heading east in the sky over the Pacific. It's in and out of our radar. We can't see it, and it's up there right now. I leave you with that thought.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Toby: Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
Leo: We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam: Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
Leo: And Sam goes on my list!
Sam: What about Toby?
Leo: I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
Mandy And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
Leo: It is in that spirit....
Sam: Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?
Leo: Mandy's new.
Sam: So it's just me...on the list?
Leo: Yes.
As Leo continues to talk about Andrew Jackson, Josh and C.J. enter.
Josh: Sorry we're late. Is it Total Crackpot Day again?
Leo: Yes, it is.
Sam: And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
Sam: Are we paying any attention at all right now?
Bob: No.
Sam: Thank God. Like we don't have enough trouble with the First Lady and her Ouija board.
Sam: It's been good meeting with you, and I hope that you don't feel that you wasted your time. I leave you with this pen.
Mr. Willis of Ohio
Sam: (re C.J.'s request for info on the census) Okay, let's...I'll tell you what. Let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the idea that you showed up at all.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
The State Dinner
Toby: No. Don't say friends.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin and Paul Redford)
Sam: It's a state dinner.
Toby: Fine. But I don't think we should remind people how friendly we were with dictators who oppressed their people while stealing their money.
Sam: How else are you going to steal people's money?
Toby: See? Now, that's good. Why don't you write that in the toast?
Enemies
Toby: It's good.
Sam: You're asking me out on a date.
Leo: Mallory, my daughter...
(Teleplay: Ron Osborn & Jeff Reno)
Sam: Yeah.
Toby: It's good.
Sam: Yeah.
Toby: It's a little flat.
Sam: I think so, too.
Toby: My writing's been flat lately.
Sam: It's not you, it's me.
Toby: Well, you did the best you could.
Sam: What do you mean?
Toby: You reached your potential here.
Sam: No, I didn't. I can do better than this.
Toby: (mocking) I can do better than this.
Sam: Are you saying that I can't do better than this?
Toby: I'm saying you're fine and I'm flat.
Josh appears in the doorway.
Josh: What's going on?
Toby: We're having difficulty locating our talent.
Josh talks to them about the banking bill, then leaves.
Toby: All right, it couldn't have gone far, right?
Sam: No.
Toby: Somewhere in this building is our talent.
Sam: Yeah.
Mallory: No.
Sam: No?
Mallory: No, I'm asking you if you'd like to go together with me to see an internationally renowned opera company perform a work indigenous to its culture.
Sam: Right. And in what way will it distinguish itself from a date?
Mallory: There will be under no circumstances sex for you at the end of the evening.
Sam: Okay.
Mallory: So, what do you say?
Sam: Well, uh, like most people I am an absolute nut for Chinese
opera--Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies. And what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no.
Mallory: Good then. I'll come by and get you at about 7:30.
Sam: Yeah. And you know what's good about this? If you hadn't come along with your offer of Chinese opera and no sex, all I'd be doing later is watching Monday Night Football, so this works out great for me.
Mallory: 7:30.
Sam: Yes, indeed.
Sam: Yes.
Leo: ...has asked you...
Sam: Yes.
Leo: ...to go to the opera using the tickets that used to belong to me and Mallory's mother?
Sam: Yes.
Leo: The woman who used to be my wife?
Sam: Leo, for whatever it's worth, she's made it very clear we won't be doing anything tonight you'd have a problem with.
Leo: Like what?
Sam: Why don't we stay away from that?
Leo: Best that we do.
The Short List
Sam: In 1787, there was a sizable block of delegates who were initially opposed to the Bill of Rights. This is what a member of the Georgia delegation had to say by way of opposition: "If we list a set of rights, some fools in the future are going to claim that people are entitled only to those rights enumerated and no others." So the Framers knew....
Sam: It's not about abortion. It's about the next twenty years. Twenties and thirties, it was the role of government. Fifties and sixties, it was civil rights. The next two decades, it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records, and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on a will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin & Patrick Caddell)
Harrison: Were you just calling me a fool, Mr. Seaborn?
Sam: I wasn't calling you a fool, sir. The brand new state of Georgia was.
Lord John Marbury
Sam: (to Claypool) You're a cheap hack. If you come after Leo, I'm gonna bust you like a piñata.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin & Patrick Caddell)
He Shall, From Time to Time
Josh: I read the statement you wrote for the President. Sensational, Sam. I'm sorry no one's gonna read it.
Sam: (to Leo) They want to tear you down, plain and simple. They don't like you, so this is what they do. And for us not to defend you? I disobeyed you. I apologize, but that's the way it is.
Sam, C.J. and Josh are waiting for the State of the Union address.
Sam: The President's gonna read it. He's reading it right now.
Josh: Sam?
Sam: I don't care.
Josh: Leo's gonna kill us!
Sam: I don't care. Do you?
Josh: Nah.
Sam: You know, C.J., it can be pretty confusing sometimes. I mean, I'm at this place with Mallory where I don't know if she likes me. I don't know if she doesn't like me. I don't know if she's indifferent altogether. I just wish she'd take the bull by the horns and get past it so we could move on.
Mallory approaches them.
Mallory: Sam, did you write this statement defending my father?
Sam: Yes.
Mallory kisses Sam. She pulls back, then kisses him again and walks away.
Sam: Well, now I'm even more confused.
Josh: Yes.
Sam: Though I gotta say I'm enjoying being a writer.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Take Out the Trash Day
Sam: There is a town in Alabama that wants to abolish all laws except the Ten Commandments.
Sam: Leo, did you know there's a town in Alabama that wants to....
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Toby: I saw it.
Sam: Well, they're going to have a problem.
Toby: Because the Constitution prohibits religious activity in any form connected to government?
Sam: Good point. Two problems.
Toby: Sam, I'm busy here.
Sam: I just mean some of those commandments are pretty hard to enforce.... Coveting thy neighbor's wife, for example. How are you going to enforce that one?
Toby: Sam!
Sam: We never have our chats anymore, Toby.
Toby: What chats?
Sam: Our late night chats.
Toby: Did we ever do that?
Sam: No.
Leo: Yes.
Sam: And what do you think?
Leo: Coveting thy neighbor's wife is gonna cause some problems.
Sam: That's what I said. Plus, if I were arrested for coveting my neighbor's wife, when asked about it, I'd probably bear false witness.
Take This Sabbath Day
Sam: Bonnie, I'm done?
Sam: Leo, there are times when we are absolutely nowhere.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Celestial Navigation
Sam: C.J., we vetted the man. I'm not saying he's not a heavy drinker, I'm saying he doesn't drink.
Sam: Your teeth are the best friends you've got, C.J.
After Toby and Sam have spent a rather lengthy time trying to find the Wesley, CT police station...
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
20 Hours in L.A.
C.J.: Pretend you're talking to me.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Six Meetings Before Lunch
Mallory: Sam?
Sam: I am off duty. Toby and I have spent the last three months putting a guy on the bench. The sun has set and I have earned my government salary and then some. I'm done working, and we haven't been out on a date and that's supposed to be tonight. Now, we're gonna go in there and we're gonna watch C.J. do The Jackal--and believe me if you haven't seen C.J. do The Jackal, then you haven't seen Shakespeare the way it's meant to be done. We are gonna watch C.J. do The Jackal, then we are gonna get a late dinner, after which I may or may not kiss you good night. Because there is something going on between us, Mallory, but frankly I don't think you're doing a very good job on your part, so I've decided to take over.
Sam: So, Mallory read my position paper on school vouchers.
Sam: You made an appointment?
Sam: Mallory, education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic, monumental changes. Schools should be palaces. The competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be making six figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge to its citizens, just like national defense. That's my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Mandatory Minimums
Toby: Okay. Sam?
Josh: I met her [Joey Lucas] twice, Toby.
Toby and Sam are walking outside...
Leo: One step at a time.
Leo: I'm perfectly calm.
Cathy: Do you know what you want for lunch?
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
What Kind of Day Has It Been
Sam: Uh, Mr. President?
(Teleplay: Aaron Sorkin)
Bonnie: You're done.
Sam: I'm cutting the cord now, Bonnie. I'm gonna be unreachable for the weekend.
Bonnie: Good.
Sam: I'm not taking my pager. I'm not taking my cell phone.
Bonnie: You earned it.
Sam: Out on the ocean blue. Totally cut off from the White House.
Bonnie: It'll be good for you.
Sam: I'm taking my pager. I should probably take my cell phone too. No, no. I'm cutting the cord. I'm not taking the cell phone. I'm not taking the pager.
Bonnie: Sam...
Sam: Yeah?
Bonnie: You need to relax.
Sam: Yeah.
Bonnie: Have a good weekend.
Sam: You too.
C.J.: Then what was he pulled over for?
Sam: Driving while being Hispanic.
C.J.: They are?
Sam: You take care of them, they'll take care of you.
C.J.: When did you start talking like this?
Sam: I'm nuts for dental hygiene.
C.J.: Go away, now.
Sam: Let me tell you something. If we'da stayed on the Merritt Parkway instead of getting off at Exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'da wind up in Bridgeport so many times.
Toby: Shut up.
Sam: I am talking to you.
C.J.: Walk me outside.
Sam: Did he offer you a development deal?
C.J.: Yes.
Sam: Me too. Do you know what it is?
C.J.: No.
Sam: Me neither.
Later in the evening...
C.J.: Pretend like you're talking to me again.
Sam: Okay. This time, let's use code names.
Sam: It's my day of jubilee.
Mallory: I despise you and everything you stand for.
Sam: All right, my day was a little bit better a few seconds ago, but that's all right.
Mallory: How could you write that position paper?
Sam: Which position paper?
Mallory: Don't play dumb with me.
Sam: No, honestly, I am dumb. Most of the time I'm playing smart.
Mallory: You're taking over?
Sam: Yes. Let's go.
Mallory: Not much chance.
Sam: I didn't think so, but you gotta give me credit for trying.
Mallory: Good night there, Skipper.
Sam: Apparently, you don't have to give me credit for trying.
Leo: Really?
Sam: Yeah.
Leo: How do you suppose she got a hold of that?
Sam: As it turns out, you gave it to her.
Leo: Mmm. School vouchers are a very serious subject with Mallory.
Sam: Yeah, thanks for the heads up.
Leo: I don't mind you dating my only daughter, but you can't expect me not to have some fun along the way.
Sam: Mallory and I haven't actually been on a date yet.
Leo: Well, you hang in there, son.
Mallory: I didn't want to take advantage of the fact that we're dating.
Sam: We're not dating.
Mallory: That's kind of sad for you, isn't it?
Mallory: You stood there and argued with me.
Sam: We can continue the argument, but it's lunchtime now. We can have lunch.
Mallory: You're taking over?
Sam: I'm taking over.
Mallory: Mmm. Dad?
Leo: Yes, you may go have lunch with a fascist.
Mallory: Come along, Sam.
Leo: (to Sam) You're doing fine.
Sam: Okay.
Sam: Yeah?
Toby: You're gonna come to a verb soon, right?
Sam: Okay, you know what this is called?
Toby: Bad writing?
Sam: Imagery.
Toby: Well, you say potato.
Sam: Yeah, but one of those times she broke your heart. You know, the way women can do--way they take your heart, they throw it on the floor, then they stomp on it with their big high heels. Well, she's a very beautiful and interesting woman, Josh. I can see how a lot of guys would go for her. You know, there's nothing at all that I'm saying now of any value so I think the thing to do is, I think I should just keep writing.
Sam: Toby, is this what you meant when you said, "Sam, you're completely in charge of this?"
Toby: Yes, I meant you're completely in charge of this in the sense that you are subordinate to me in every way. Where is this place?
Sam: What place?
Toby: The breakfast place?
Sam: It's still on the last street.
Toby: Why didn't you say anything?
Sam: We were having a nice conversation.
Sam: That's what Toby just said.
Leo: Toby's right.
Sam: Yes, does anyone remember that I was put in charge?
Leo: It was an honorary kind of thing, Sam.
Sam: You're not calm, Leo. You're acting like a nervous hooleilia.
Toby: A what?
Sam: It may not be a word. It may just be something my mother used to say.
Sam: That's an interesting question.
Cathy: Sam.
Sam: I could have turkey.
Cathy: Sam.
Sam: I could have some fish.
Cathy: Would you like to look at the menu?
Sam: A nice piece of fish never hurt anyone, Cathy.
Bartlet: Yeah?
Sam: I was thinking it might not be a bad idea to have a signal worked out.
Bartlet: A signal for what?
Sam: Good news regarding the pilot and it comes while you're on television.
Bartlet: What kind of signal did you have in mind?
Sam: Something like this. (Sam moves his left arm in a right upward motion, something akin to a plane taking off.) Just very subtle. Very simple.
Bartlet: What is that?
Sam: It's a departure. It's a safe departure. Would you like a different signal?
Bartlet: No, that one's good.
Sam: Should I spread it around?
Bartlet: Well, I think it's gonna get around all by itself, but if you want to help it along a little, there's nothing wrong with that.
Sam: Thank you, Mr. President.
Season Two Quotes
Season Three Quotes
Season Four Quotes
Season Seven Quotes
Sam's Bio
Sam's the Man
Must-See Sam
Sam Trivia
Chivalrous Sam
Sam's Bullpen
Episode Guide