Turk Party 32

Turks Party 32 - Happy Birthday, Tseng
By: Zeng Li

"Don't tell me you actually baked a cake for Tseng's birthday!?" said Reeve, entering the kitchen for a beer, catching Reno in the act of mixing together ingredients.

"No, I just mixed up a bowl full of batter and decided that we'll all eat it raw," replied the Turk.

Reeve paused at the refrigerator. "That's not exactly what people expect when they come to someone's birthday party, Reno."

"What's the difference!? Cake is nothing more than baked batter anyway, so no matter what, you're still eating batter."

"Yes, batter turns into cake when you bake it, Reno, but cake can not be turned back into batter."

"Of course I'm gonna bake it, you dummy!" Reno slid a rectangular dish full of batter into the hot oven. "Geesh!"

"What's in this box?" Reeve asked, indicating a plain white box on the counter.

"That's for Tseng," Reno grabbed it protectively and stuck it in the refrigerator. "Now are you going to stand here and pester me, or are you going to help set up for the party?"

Reeve walked off silently with his beer. The living room and game room were to be decorated in colorful banners and balloons. Reno's card table was converted into an eating table with the addition of a birthday-themed table cloth and matching sets of paper plates and cups. A piñata shaped like a donkey hung in the middle of the game room.

Reeve and Reno were just finishing up when they heard the first car door outside. Reno ran to the window.

"Whoa! Here comes Tseng!" Reno sprinted off to the kitchen, dug into the refrigerator and ran back to the foyer with the plain white box in hand. He undid the tape and pulled a large lemon meringue pie out of the box.

"Oh, crap, Reno... You're not gonna do what I think you're gonna do...?"

"What's the matter, Reeve? Tseng's the best Turk there ever was. I think he can handle a pie in the face gag for his birthday."

Reeve shook his head and wiped his brow. "Okay, but you're on your own for this one." He walked away to a safe distance across the living room.

The front door opened, and Reno stepped out of his ambush, but upon seeing combed locks of blond hair, he withdrew his trap quickly, hiding his left hand behind his back. "Hey, Elena. How ya' doin'?" he asked innocently.

Elena glared at the Turk as he grinned. "You're up to something...," she said. A boot kick in the shin made it safe for the female Turk to pass.

"Ow!! Must everyone pick on me?" Reno groaned, a tear rolling out of his eye.

The distraction almost made him miss it as the front door opened again to admit the next party guest. Reno cocked his serving hand back but withdrew it quickly as the tall, bald-headed Turk Rude entered.

"Heh-heh...Hey, Rude! What's up?" he held out his right hand to shake.

Rude arched his neck to look behind Reno, but Reno kept moving around, denying him. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing...! Nothing...! Just a present for Tseng..." Reno let Rude pass into the living room. He took a peek out the front door and saw his intended target on final approach. He hid back behind the door and waited 'til just the right moment.

As Tseng entered, Reno launched his left arm forward to spring his trap. Before even seeing Reno, Tseng automatically made a countering move, bumping Reno's arm away. Reno's hand was thrown upwards, knocking the pie into his own face instead.

Reno staggered backwards, totally blinded by his own trap.

Tseng looked at the messy young Turk. "Oh, I'm sorry, Reno. Was that meant for me?" he asked dryly.

Reno scraped the thick globs of cream away from his eyes. "You are so dead!!" he growled.

Rufus walked in behind Tseng and took one look at Reno and burst out laughing so much he nearly wet himself. Reno just folded his arms, not caring that the mess on his hands would transfer to his shirt sleeves. His pose just entertained all the guests in the adjacent living room, inciting an even bigger chorus of laughter.

"All right, all right!" Reno cut in. "You had your fun, now get on with it!" He slammed the front door shut as he stormed off to the kitchen.

The slamming door caught Scarlett's forehead right before she walked in, propelling her backwards into Heidegger's arms. "I guess we're not invited tonight," Heidegger's scruffy voice grumbled.

"Who needs them anyway!" said Scarlett, standing back on her feet. "He never has enough alcohol for everyone. Let's go to the pub and be total assholes there..."

Tseng stood behind Reno in the kitchen as the young Turk leaned his head under the sink faucet to wash the mess out of his hair. "I swear, Reno...I didn't even see you coming at me. I guess you've ambushed me enough times at the front door that I'm conditioned to react in preparation for anything your sick little mind can think up."

Reno reached up and shut the water off. He lifted his head, water dripping all over the counter and the floor. "Yeah..." he snatched the towel out of Tseng's hands. "Well thanks for the warning. I can just as easily change my ways to accommodate."

"I don't doubt it." Tseng walked away with a beer as Reno finished toweling his hair dry.

Tseng sat down next to Elena. She immediately leaned over and wrapped her arms around him. "Happy birthday, Tsengie-sama!" she kissed him on the cheek.

"All right..." Tseng turned his head away a bit. "That's the tenth time you've said that all day. By the way, which of these gifts is from Reno?" he asked, poking carefully through the pile of wrapped packages on the coffee table.

"I think it's this one," Rufus snatched one in silver and green paper. He held it to his ear. "Yep. It's ticking. Let us know before you open it and we'll clear out of the room in advance."

"Great..." Tseng grumbled as Rufus put the gift back onto the table.

Elena picked it up and held it to her ear. "Wha--? It's not ticking, Rufus."

"Crap! Take cover!! It's about to blow!!" Rufus jumped behind the sofa and ducked down into a ball with his arms covering his head.

Elena tossed the gift into Tseng's lap and dove behind the sofa with Rufus. Tseng's arm uncontrollably began to shake, unsure whether to toss it to a vacant corner of the room. He saw Reno exit the kitchen, so he reflexively tossed the box towards the sender, hoping for a second round of payback.

Reno caught the package and looked quizzically at the lot in the living room. Tseng with the tense look on his face...Rufus and Elena cowering behind the sofa...

"What are you guys doing?" he asked, walking the gift back to the coffee table. "You act like it's gonna explode or something." He turned and placed it calmly into Tseng's lap. He grinned crookedly at his boss. "Ha ha!! Cover your ears!!" He crouched down with his back to Tseng, fingers holding both ears closed.

"Aack!!" Tseng bobbled the gift from hand to hand, feet tapping the floor and knees shaking. He panted, juggling the box until he got it together to fling clear across the living room. He bent forward and put his fingers in his ears as the gift box bounced off the opposite wall.

Seconds passed...

Reno got out of his crouch and grinned, standing to his full height. "Heh, heh, heh...fell for it, didn't you, Tseng?" he taunted.

His boss slowly withdrew his fingers and straightened up.

"BOOM!!" Reno lunged at Tseng, slamming a foot noisily into the floorboards. But he continued laughing. Tseng scowled at him. "Oh, be a sport, boss man! Though I do think that whole charade was rather amusing." He retrieved the gift and brought it back to the coffee table.

"Very funny, Reno," Tseng said dryly.

"Here, open it and prove that it's not booby trapped or anything."

"Do I dare?" Tseng took it into his hands and cautiously slid his finger under the paper. It pulled apart and underneath was a plain white box. Tseng opened it, reminding himself to look brave and not timid over the slightest little gag that his pain-in-the-ass colleague was famous for. Inside was an unopened tin of little chocolates with centers filled with hard liquor.

"And you were afraid of what!?" Reno folded his arms across his chest, looking smug.

Tseng placed the tin off to the side. "Whatever, Reno, but the overall trust isn't there." He picked up another box, this time a little gift from Rufus. It was cylindrical shaped, and when the paper was torn off, Tseng popped the plastic lid off of one end. A spring-loaded mini-boxing glove sprang out and nailed him in the face.

"Ha ha!!" Rufus jumped up and down, pointing at Tseng.

"That's not funny!" Elena shrieked, putting her arms around her boss's shoulders, trying to get a good look at where the gag gift had hit him.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Rufus changed his tune. "That gift wasn't from me! It was from Reno!! He just switched the tags when no one was looking! Reno, that was very bad of you to do to your own superior!" the young V.P. waggled a finger at the Turk.

"What!? You're lying, you brat! I have the receipt for those chocolates, and you know it!!"

"Um, Rufus...you did walk in carrying that gift, and I've been here all the time to see which one Reno put out," Reeve said very seriously rather than in the spirit of the present line of lunacy.

"Master Rufus...after all I have done for you..." Tseng started.

"Look inside the can!" said Rufus. "There's a little consolation prize in there."

Tseng looked inside. A gift certificate to a rather fancy Midgar restaurant was planted inside the canister. "Little consolation prize...?"

"Err, sorry about the little springy surprise, Tseng," Rufus scratched the back of his head. "Reno will kiss you and make it all better." He shoved the redhead Turk towards the older man.

"With pleasure!" Reno lunged at Tseng, but the senior Turk's reflexes were still sharp, and he got out of the way before getting kissed.

"If anyone else has any gag gifts to send my way, I'd like to know about it in advance!" said Tseng, a few normally immaculate strands of hair popped out of place. The other party guests shook their heads. "All right..." He sat back down and dug into the remaining stack of gifts.

The rest of the gifts were commonplace: wine, DVD's, etc.

After the gift-opening, Reno brought the birthday cake out, adorned with 10 lit candles. He put it down in front of Tseng, on the coffee table.

"Get away from the cake!" Tseng growled threateningly, slowly advancing on Reno who backed off.

"Wuzz-a-matter, boss? Afraid of me? Well, maybe I hired Rufus to do my dirty work for me this time." He grinned and looked just over Tseng's shoulder.

Tseng guarded his face with a raised arm and turned around. There was no Rufus sneaking up on him.

Reno pounced on Tseng's back, one palm firmly planted on the back of his boss's head. He beared down, pushing Tseng towards the coffee table, but Tseng put his arms out and braced himself while Reno pushed hard, desperately trying to push his boss's face into the cake. Tseng's long hair dangled dangerously close to the lit candles.

"You son of a bitch!" Tseng growled his elbows locked, arms straining to keep Reno from succeeding.

"Reno, do you mind!?" Elena squealed. "We all have to eat that cake!"

Tseng kicked a foot up and nailed Reno in the groin. The crazy Turk let go and fell to the ground holding his pained manhood. That gave the group a chance to sing "Happy Birthday" without mischievous interruption or altered lyrics. Tseng blew out the candles, and Elena cut the cake.

"Here's your piece, Reno," said Tseng, turning the small paper plate upside down so the cake fell onto Reno's chest.

Reno arched his neck and tried to bite it, but it was just out of reach. One hand moved away from his abused groin and grabbed the entire messy piece. He barbarically gnarled at it and gobbled the entire thing out of his hand in five seconds. He got icing and cake bits all over his cheeks, but he was obviously satisfied being an idiot while everyone around him ate their cake like civilized human beings.

"Reno, get up!" Rude said, kicking the young Turk lightly in the ribs.

Reno obeyed and stood up, wandering in the direction of the kitchen. But he couldn't resist wiping his icing-covered hand on Rude's bald head as he walked by.

Rude stood up and put his plate down. "Excuse me a moment, boss," he said calmly, cracking the knuckles of one fist in the other hand.

"Try not to put him in the hospital this time," Tseng replied.

"Yes, sir..." Rude walked innocently into the kitchen. A moment of silence followed. Everyone in the living room waited. Finally there was a tremendously loud slam and clattering of loose objects. After silence fell again. Rude walked slowly out of the kitchen and returned to his half-eaten slice of cake.

Elena didn't blink, an unswallowed bit of cake still in her mouth. "Is...he okay...?" she asked. No one answered. They just finished their cake.

= = = = =

Reno rejoined the party a few minutes later with a black eye courtesy of Rude's fist, and a bump on his head from where a falling pot bonked him on the head when it fell off of the refrigerator that he'd been slammed back-first into. He had a shoulder that he knew would be sore in the morning, but it didn't stop him from brandishing his electro-mag rod.

"Whoa! Easy, Reno!" Reeve advanced on the Turk and tried to restrain the hand holding the weapon.

"Relax, Reeve. I wasn't gonna hurt anyone with this. It's just time to break the piñata open."

"Oh..." Reeve let him go and backed away.

"Tseng, as birthday boy, you get to whack at it first." Reno handed his weapon to his boss. "Oh, and don't push this button. Not a very good idea..."

"You mean like this?" Tseng intentionally jabbed the tip of the baton into Reno's ribs and pushed the forbidden button. Reno convulsed in shock for a few seconds and fell to the floor.

"Yeah...that..." Reno choked, holding his wounded ribs.

Reeve blindfolded the Turk leader and guided him closer to the hanging paper donkey. Five swings, and on the last one, the fully extended baton flew out of Tseng's grip, narrowly missed Reno's head, and crashed through the glass door of the entertainment center.

"Sure, Tseng! My place isn't a big enough mess already!"

Tseng lifted his blindfold. "All right. Let's see you cause less destruction." He handed Reno the baton.

"Fine. Watch the master at work..."

Everyone backed away several paces more, most finding solid objects to take shelter behind. Reno didn't even bother with the otherwise obligatory blindfold. He took a swing and missed, pretending to be thrown off balance. He intentionally stumbled towards Tseng and jabbed his captain with the electric rod. Tseng got away from it right before the crazy Turk pushed the button that send lightning magic through the shaft.

"You're a real son of a bitch, aren't you, Reno?" Tseng hissed.

"I'm sorry, my aim was a little off..." Reno lowered the tip of the baton to be level with Tseng's groin.

Tseng front-kicked Reno's hand away, sending the baton flying across the room. Reno dropped to his knees and cradled his abused wrist. "Dammit, Tseng! Now I need a week's vacation...I mean, disability."

"You're fine, you big wuss. Now play the game right or it's another week from hell."

"Pfff... You and those weeks from hell..." Reno retrieved his weapon. "You know, I never understood the old piñata game. The person who is blindfolded can never react in time to get the candy because all the seeing vultures pounce on it first. Which I suppose is normal, but if the person who broke the piñata were really smart, he'd use the stick to beat the other people up so they'd leave all the candy for him."

Elena ducked behind a sofa.

"I think we suddenly have a lot more insight into your childhood, Reno," said Reeve.

"And why you didn't have too many friends," Rude added.

"You wanna really teach a piñata a lesson...? Don't use a wooden stick...use one of these..." Reno jabbed the tip of his electromag rod into the piñata and fired off its materia effect.

The piñata caught fire, the tags of paper and card board burning quickly. By the time all the paper had rapidly burned, the candy fell out in one big glob of charred sugary slag. Quite obviously, no one rushed in to grab it.

"You can have it all," said Rufus. "And that's got nothing to do with the beating threat from earlier."

Reno kicked the solidifying blob of molten sugar. "Eh... This shit rots your teeth and gives you brain damage anyway."

With that, Rufus pulled a wad of half-chewed candy corn out of his mouth and placed it somewhere clever for the Turk to find the next time he goes to use his CD player.

"Reno, can't you host civilized parties for once in your life?" asked Tseng as the smell of the charred sugar came his way.

"I could, but they wouldn't be any fun."

"You call this fun!?" Tseng asked, pointing his hand at the smoldering remains of burned candy.

"Yes."

"Reno, your parties stress me out more than the task of being a Turk does."

"Right, Tseng," Reno folded his arms. "What's worse? Dodging my pranks to get globs of cake and icing into your hair, or being shot at with high-caliber bullets that could fatally wound you with just one hit?"

"Is that this evening's goal? Sure beats your usual aim to take off all my clothes."

"So that means I can get all this icing in your hair!?" Reno clawed a wad of cake and icing right off the top of the remainder of the cake.

"Eeeeew!" Elena squealed. "Reno...! Get your hands out of the cake...!"

Reno turned on her and grabbed her blond hair with his gooey hand, making sure to get as much icing stuck in it as possible. She grabbed a glob of cake and threw it at him. With the intent to piss off his father and the family's maids and servants, Rufus joined in and was soon followed by Daniel Reeve, who just couldn't resist.

Tseng hid behind a sofa hoping that the trajectory of flying cake couldn't reach him. He stretched his arm out and grabbed a magazine and held it over the top of his head while the melee ensued in the opposite end of the room.

Globs of cake and icing were everywhere. On the pool table...on the walls...in the hair of those brawling... And they kept stepping in the heap of mushy melted candy and tracking it all over the carpet.

Finally, there was just nothing left to make a mess with, and the worn out combatants slumped down where they were. Tseng poked his head up from behind the sofa to observe the war field.

"Are the elite ShinRa executives finished acting like children?" asked Tseng.

With that, Rude, who had been in the kitchen during the cake fight, quietly walked up behind Tseng and dumped an entire milkshake onto Tseng's head.

Tseng cringed while everyone laughed, while it continued to drip onto his shoulders and the floor. He folded his arms, his fate for the evening sealed.

"You the man, Rude!!!" Reno yelled, so hysterical that his sides hurt.

Tseng just stood there, expression cold as steel.

"Sorry, boss..." Rude's bass voice grumbled. "I couldn't resist."

"Thank you, Rude..." Tseng said plainly.

"Yo, boss!! Does that mean Rude gets a week from hell!?" asked Reno.

"No. It just means that he's gonna go to Heidegger's budget meeting in my place next week."

Rude's shoulders slumped as he was forced to accept his punishment.

"That ain't fair!" Reno protested. "He got off to easy!!"

Tseng walked by Reeve. "I'm going home. Next time we let Reno host a birthday party, we're gonna string him up on the ceiling so he can't cause any trouble."

"Why can't you just admit that you like this lunacy?" Reeve grinned.

Tseng didn't reply. He opened the front door to leave, and a very drunk Scarlett and a very drunk Heidegger fell at his feet. Scarlett's chest heaved as she prepared to throw up excess alcohol. "Aaaack!!" he slammed the door shut and ran back into the living room, diving to the floor that was covered generously with crumbled cake and icing. "On the other hand, I think I'll lighten up and stay for a while..."

"There's our boy...!" Reno cheered as all the guests circled around Tseng and grabbed him with their messy hands. He just let them have their way with him this time.

THE END