Turks Party 31 - Friendly Competition (conclusion)
By: Zeng Li

Caution: Strong, 'adult' language!! (I'm not kidding!)

Reno stood before his audience, made up of both high-ranking ShinRa employees as well as members of the rebel group, Avalanche, with whom ShinRa has shared a number of tiffs.

"And to be fair in our little game of seeing who can kick whose butts, we will randomly select 3 activities to compete in," Reno continued. "You've all been handed a slip of paper. Write on it the name of a game or a sport that you would like to suggest we compete in and place it in this...err...Tupperware bowl that I bought from Elena a few years ago..."

"I also sell Mary Kay!" Elena squeaked, waving her arm so everyone would pay attention.

"*ahem...* Anyway... If you would all do that now!" Reno scribbled his suggestion and was the first to toss his folded paper into the bowl. One by one, others followed his lead.

"Why am I here anyway?" Hojo asked quietly, timidly holding his folded up paper to his chest.

"I don't know. I'd ask your mother, but I think she slithered off with a handsome squid and hasn't been heard from since."

"No," Hojo ignored the witty remark. "I mean why, of all people, would you ask me to participate in crazy games and sports and stuff when you know that I have absolutely no athletic ability?"

"Because Heidegger and Scarlett are off on important company business and can't come!"

"Gee, imagine that," Tseng said sarcastically.

Meanwhile, Hojo placed his paper in the bowl and mixed it in with the others so that Reno couldn't pick it out and look at it. "All right. Now we're gonna randomly draw 3 things from here. And, so no one can accuse me of cheating, Cloud will pick the first one." Reno held the bowl above shoulder-level, and Cloud reached up and picked one slip."

Cloud unfolded the paper. "Bull riding!? Who the hell suggested bull riding!?"

Reeve grinned expansively and waved, his cheeks cherry red.

"You must really have a death wish," Cloud continued.

"Aw, it ain't so hard..." Reeve said in an exaggerated drawl. "'sides, with materia, your dislocated joints only take a few days to heal."

"I'll keep that in mind..." Reno grumbled. "Tseng, your turn."

"Well, it can't get much worse, I suppose..." Tseng reached up and picked the next one. "Street Luge. Well, I know it's not Hojo's suggestion..."

"That would be me..." Cloud said.

"Cloud, my reckless man! You and I might just become better friends than I ever thought!" Reno put his arm around Cloud's shoulders rather unexpectedly.

"Oh, please do," said Tseng. "Maybe you'll get so busy with him, you'll forget about me..."

Reno shifted his jubilance and snared Tseng with his arm and kissed the man hard on the cheek. Tseng immediately shoved him away.

"What the hell's the matter with you, Turk!?" Cid took the cigarette out of his mouth to yell at the boy. "You ever come near me an' do that, you'll be digestin' yer own teeth!" He took another drag and muttered something about kids these days.

"Let me draw the last one!" Yuffie squealed, bounding up to Reno unexpectedly. She leapt up and somersaulted in the air, snatching a tag and managing to spill the entire bowl in the process. While little bits of paper fluttered down around Reno, she opened the paper and read it. "Go-karting!!"

Cid's face lit up. "Well, that's more like it!" he said. "Turk boy earned the right to live another day."

"It's decided then," said Reno. "We'll start the day go-karting, then we'll street luge, then we'll ride Reeve's dumb-ass animals."

"I was thinking more the mechanical bulls like they have at the new Rodeo Square of the Gold Saucer," said Reeve.

As the crowd dispersed, Tseng clapped a restraining hand onto Reno's shoulder. "So, uh... How many weeks vacation...I mean, disability are you gonna need to recover from all this?"

"None, Tseng. You know I never get hurt when I'm having fun! Whoo-hoo!!" Reno went off with a spring in his step, but ran right into a wall. "Ow..." he staggered back holding his forehead before continuing on.

= = = = =

EVENT #1 - Go-Karting

"Hey, Cid! Whatchya doin'?" asked Cloud, approaching the grumpy pilot at the go-kart track the next day. Cid was tinkering with the little pull-start motor in the back of the #1 kart.

"Makin' sure no fag-headed Turks beat us. So I'm tunin' up my kart to give them all a kick in the ass they'll never forget. I'm thinkin' I can get an extra 20 horsepower outta this baby!"

"Uh, Cid... These are 7 horsepower engines."

"Well, what the hell!?" Cid slammed his wrench to the ground.

"Shouldn't you maybe sabotage the ShinRa karts instead?"

"Nah..." Cid lit up another cigarette. "That'd be cheating."

Meanwhile, Tseng was trying to give Hojo a crash course on driving. Elena and Rufus were posing and taking each others' pictures. Reno was out and about coordinating the entire thing, paying off track owner for their selfish commandeering of the facilities.

Rude was trying on various crash helmets. "Does this one make me look bald?" he asked Reeve, modeling a dark red one.

"Yes, Rude. It makes you look bald," Reeve replied without even looking.

Rude quickly removed it and selected another one. "What about this one?"

"That one, too, Rude..." Reeve went back to scrutinizing the track's surface, trying to figure out how good the grip would be.

"Hey, Reeve..." It was Rude, modeling his third helmet. "What about this one?"

Reeve's patience was wearing thin. "Rude, they all make you look bald! In fact, we're all gonna be wearing them, so I guess we're all gonna look bald, now aren't we?"

"*phew...*" said Rude. "I won't feel so bad then... And maybe, she won't notice." He put the most recent helmet away and walked off to find Tifa.

"Come back here with my materia!!" a deep voice bellowed.

"Hee, hee!! Can't catch me!!" Yuffie ran from the lumbering Barret.

"We're on the same team, ya brat!" the dark skinned man had to stop to catch his breath.

"I'll get her, daddy!" Marlene ran by him in vain.

"This shouldn't be too hard," said Tseng, joining Reeve in the pit area, watching the ninja girl taunt her own teammates.

"Yeah, well just in case, I brought along some 'Manipulate' materia," Reeve pushed up his sleeve to reveal a silver bangle loaded with a yellow orb and a few greens and pinks.

"So you intend to cheat?" Tseng looked crossways at the mild-mannered urban developer. "I didn't think you of all people had it in you."

"No. I just have it to even the battlefield. Don't tell me you didn't bring any along?"

"Oh, I did, but they're all in the form of Cure 3," said the Turks' leader. "You know...because I can just see Reno showing up to work on Monday in a body cast."

"He does that anyway. He's just too shy to ask for a week off."

"Hey, Rufus! Take a picture of me kissing Tseng!" Elena bounded up to them and leapt onto her boss, her arms nearly strangling his neck as she hung onto him. Rufus took the picture when Tseng had a total goofy look on his face.

"Will you two go somewhere else!?" Tseng retorted, but then he turned to the V.P. "Sir, will you please be more careful! We may be having a field day, but I still have to protect you!"

"Aw, go protect Reno for a change! I wanna have fun!" the young V.P. waved off the Turk leader.

At that, Rufus chased Elena across the track right as a go-kart piloted by Reno sped by, missing the V.P. by mere inches. The kart came to an abrupt halt at the front of the starting grid, and Reno hopped out.

"Feisty little bugger, ain't it?" he said, looking back at the cart numbered "1".

"I need a drink..." Tseng put his hand to his forehead in what would be a day that only continued to get worse.

= = = = =

The only fair way to set up the starting grid was to line the cars up in number-plate order and have the drivers randomly draw numbers from one of Elena's colorful plastic bowls. The starting grid lined up as so:

1

Hojo

2

Marlene

3

Vince

4

Tseng

5

Elena

6

Reeve

7

Cid

8

Tifa

9

Reno

10

Rufus

11

Cloud

12

Barret

13

Yuffie

14

Rude

 

"Wait just a bloody minute!" Cid nearly toppled two of his own teammates as he rushed forward to protest. Barret restrained him from totally decimating Reno on the spot. "Kart number 1 is mine!!"

"Cid, my man..." Reno was less afraid to get playfully in Cid's face since Barret held the guy back. "These karts belong to the kind owner of this race track, and I suggest you treat them with the same respect you would as though they were your own. Even I intend to." Reno paused dramatically and walked away from the enraged pilot. "Which means I'm gonna totally mangle them to death!! Let's have a race!!!" he screamed, and everyone ran behind him to the starting grid, finding their assigned car number.

Hojo puttered to the pole position kart, placing his larger-than-it-should-be-for-him helmet onto his head and neglecting to fasten the straps.

The machines were already sputtering in idle, and the control booth regulated the starting lights positioned over the start/finish line.

The yellow lights blinked to tell the drivers to take a slow-speed formation lap so everyone had a chance to see the entire track before they started the actual 25-lap race.

Hojo did as Tseng had coached him to, and stomped on the gas pedal 'til it wouldn't go down any further. His kart, super-tuned courtesy of Cid, rocketed off and slammed into and through a wooden barrier surrounding the outside of turn 1. It skittered across another part of the track, dragging bits of wood and its own damaged exhaust pipe behind it. It finally came to a stop upside down in a flower bed, where its engine exploded and caught fire.

Hojo was thrown from the kart and laid in a daze among a bed of pink flowers. "I won, mommy..." he slurred drunkenly before passing out.

Avalanche got a rather hearty laugh out of Hojo's combination of misfortune and stupidity. Cloud winked at Cid as only they knew just how much Hojo's earlier drink had been spiked.

The engine fire sizzled out, and everyone decided not to wreck their own fun and delaying the race, so they just left him there.

They formed back up on the grid, minus the pole position kart, handing the front row solely to Marlene. Behind her, Vincent Valentine and Tseng made up the second row. The gothic man turned to Tseng, the leader of a group he used to be a part of.

"I haven't had this much fun in years," he said.

"Don't let your cape get caught in the motor," Tseng replied.

The lights went green, and the engines roared the karts off the grid. Tseng was so determined to get past Marlene, who he figured would be nothing but a rolling roadblock, that he failed to defend against Vincent getting by him. The Ex-Turk raised one shiny gold finger up, and Tseng could easily tell which one it was.

 Cid, having started 7th, out-maneuvered Reeve and Elena in the curves and was on Tseng's tail by the time the first lap was over. Reno scuffled ahead of Rufus, but the bratty V.P. wasn't letting Reno off easy.

"Time for a little fun..." Reno brandished a pocket knife and flipped the blade out. He caught up to Tifa and held the knife out over her rear tire. The blade sank into the rotating rubber and skinned the tire alive. He and the rest of the field easily passed Tifa, who had to pull her disabled kart off the track.

Reno laughed wickedly, but a strong tap from behind made him drop his knife. It was Cloud.

"I just knew the Turks were gonna drive dirty," said Cloud. He held up a fist, and below it was an Iron Bangle filled with spell materia. "Ice 2!!"

Reno dodged the attack by steering out of the way. The Ice spell hit Elena instead, spinning her car off the track and angled into an outside curve guard rail.

"Time to gain a few positions...!" said Reno. He activated the effect of a pink materia orb. "Speed Plus!" he cried exiting the final curve before the start/finish straight. His kart accelerated and blew by Cid and Reeve.

"What the fuck!" Cid dropped his cigarette as Reno slid into turn 1 ahead of him, just barely making it through without wrecking. "Of all the fuckin' gawdamn shit that Turk could pull... Fuckin' trying to be a fair player and it's done nothin' but screw the hell outta me..." He fetched another cigarette before bothering with any materia of his own. His fumbling lost him a position to Cloud.

"Cure 3...Cure 3..." Tseng looked hopelessly at the green orbs equipped into his Gold Bangle. "This isn't gonna do me any good!" The back of Vincent's kart in 2nd place mocked him, turn after turn. "Why didn't I bring anything useful? Dammit, Tseng!"

"Hi'ya, Boss!" said Reno, zipping by as the last of his Speed Plus boost wore off.

"Reno, you--!" Tseng sideswiped a guardrail, losing a few positions in the process. Under his helmet, a few hairs popped out of place in frustration.

"I'm not much of a materia user..." Rufus muttered, one free hand collecting an orb from his pocket as the other tried to drive. "But I've always got this for laughs. Let's see...who should I pick on...?"

Suddenly, a passenger leapt out of nowhere and onto his kart.

"What the--!?" the V.P. nearly lost control.

"Give me the materia!" Yuffie said, clinging onto the kart as Rufus drove.

"Get off, you stupid twit! Do you know who I am!?"

Yuffie just grinned and swiped the materia from Rufus' hand. "I don't have this one yet!" she said, casting the spell for kicks.

"No, Yuffie!! What are you doing!?" Rufus screamed, but it was too late. He tried to steer the kart left around a curve, but the kart continued going straight as it no longer made contact with the ground. "Yuffie, you idiot!! That's Float materia!!!"

Rufus' kart floated up over the race course like a run-away balloon. It overturned in mid-air and dumped its 2 passengers out and onto the flower bed, right next to Hojo. The go-kart continued floating away over nearby roof tops.

Rude and Barret battled for last place. "Move it, Turk!" Barret barked at him.

"Does this helmet make me look bald?" Rude asked innocently.

Reno lapped them, followed by the rest of the field. "Quiet, Rude! In theory you should be the most aerodynamic of all of us!" the crazy Turk told his partner as he lapped him.

"I know..." Rude grumbled to himself. "I'll use my favorite hair gel for the next guy trying to lap me." He pulled the tube out of his jacket pocket and held it out to the side. He squeezed the tube, squirting all the contents out and onto the track. However, due to his lack of forethought, his hand was too close to the rear tire, and all the hair gel ended up under his kart instead. He spun out going into the next corner and got lapped by 2 more drivers.

The remainder of the laps were filled with fire balls, bolts of electricity, and other strange and annoying magic spells. Tseng got up to Vincent, who'd dropped back to 4th after Reno and Cloud made quick work of him with their karts' speed as well as the affects of other ridiculous materia.

"I finally figured out what I can do against you, Vinny-boy!" said Tseng. "Perhaps my Cure 3 materia isn't so worthless after all. Is it not said that Cure materia harms the undead?" Tseng cast a Cure 3 spell, and Vincent immediately recoiled. The distraction won Tseng 4th position right as they were passing under the blinking green light that signified the final lap.

Reno and Cloud bumped each other recklessly the entire last lap, but neither yielded. Together, they blasted over the start/finish line, Reno just inches ahead of his rival.

"Whoo-hoo!!" Reno celebrated, jamming on the brakes after their race ended. He stood up out of his kart and pumped his fists in the air. "Reno kicks Cloud's butt and wins the race!"

"*ahem!!*" a little female voice said next to him. Reno looked down and saw the little form of Barret's adopted daughter, Marlene, wagging a finger at him.

"What the--!?" Reno nearly choked on his words.

Cloud laughed. "So busy with me, you neglected to realize that Marlene was in the lead all along?"

"Bu--bu--but--..."

Cloud slapped Reno hard on the back. "Avalanche one; ShinRa nothing."

"She's just a kid!" Reno argued. "She shouldn't count!"

Marlene's boot of justice rammed painfully into Reno's shin. "And why not!?" the little girl growled at the Turk who was wincing in pain, hobbling on his abused leg.

"I'll get you in street luge..." Reno hissed at Cloud, limping off the track.

"Uh...has anyone seen Rufus?" Tseng asked, taking stock of the missing competitors.

"Right here, Tseng," said the weary voice of the young V.P.

"Sir! Are you okay?" Tseng immediately turned his attention to Rufus. "Uh...what on earth happened to you?"

Rufus' face was covered in cherry-red lip prints. "Yuffie wouldn't leave me alone until I gave her my materia. And when I did, she got a little overly affectionate with me."

Tseng's heart skipped. "She, uh...didn't...?"

"Hell no!" Rufus snapped, inferring the question. "It's not like she's Reno or anything."

"Shouldn't someone go fetch Hojo?" Reeve suggested. "If we're doing all this behind the president's back, we might want to do little things like make sure he's not dead or anything."

When they went to retrieve Hojo, he was significantly pretzelled. His limbs were bent and twisted in ways nature never intended.

"You're right, Reeve. The president's gonna kill us when he finds out that we broke nearly every bone in Hojo's body," said Tseng, preparing another orb of Cure 3 materia. "Uh...you don't think that Hojo's some undead weirdo too or anything, do you? 'Cause this materia just might do more harm than good."

"Who? Me?" asked Hojo, starting to move for the first time since flipping his kart on the formation lap.

"Sir, please don't move!" said Tseng, overly protective as usual.

"Nonsense..." Hojo said. As he moved, his body make all sorts of dry crackling sounds until he finally stood up in one piece, and the proper shape for a human being. "Jenova cells have made bones obsolete. I can change into just about anything I want." At that, Hojo sprouted wings and flew off.

"Eew..." Tseng cringed. "Well, uh... He seems to be fine. Let's get back to the winner's circle before Reno decides to take off his clothes in front of Marlene."

= = = = =

EVENT #2 - Street Luge

"Hey, Elena! I'm glad your stupid Tupperware is useful after all," Reno said, dropping another round of folded paper tags into the colorful bowl. Elena just scowled. "Okay, with Hojo out of the picture for us and Barret unwilling to let Marlene street luge, there's a nice even 12 of us. There will be 3 preliminary heats with 4 riders. The top 2 riders of each heat advance to the semi-finals. The winners of the 2 semi-finals square off against each other to determine the over-all winner."

Cid turned to his own team. "I ain't too fond of this crazy-ass young punk sport, but I'm even less fond of the idea of riding some bull, mechanical or otherwise. If we can beat them ShinRa's in this event, we'll have won 2 out of 3 and can probably avoid the last game."

Cloud scratched the back of his head. "I dunno. I feel like they need to be tortured more."

Barret crossed his arms. "This stinks! The Turks are up to something, and I ain't all that fond of goin' down some big-ass hill on a little sled."

"You can do it, daddy!" Marlene jumped and waved from the side-lines, changing Barret's mood about the whole thing.

Reno held up the Tupperware bowl. "In here are the numbers 1 through 3, four times a piece. We'll all draw a number, and that's the preliminary heat that you'll take part in."

Hands delved into the bowl, and everyone looked at their numbers and found the others who had the matches.

"Heat number one!" said Reno. "Me and Rude against Cid and Barret!"

"If I don't make it, tell Shera...tell her that...aw, hell..." Cid grumbled, still unable to say the words. He walked up to the street luge sleds, the long and narrow boards that the riders have to lay on their backs on and ride to the bottom of a downhill course.

"Good luck, Reno!" Reeve called to young Turk as Reno donned his aerodynamic helmet.

"Yeah, Reno!" Elena cheered beside him. "Break a leg! I mean...uh...! Don't break a leg, or, uh...whatever...." Next to her, Tseng checked the charge of his Cure 3 materia, just to be sure.

"How d'ya get on this thing?" Barret asked, sitting his butt down on one of the sleds. It immediately cracked in half under his enormous weight. "The hell--!? I'm outta here!" Barret stomped off.

The three remaining contenders launched off the starting line at the crack of a starter pistol, fired by the trigger-happy Rufus.

Cid followed everyone else's lead, but spent the entire ride down engrossed in monologue.

"Of all the fuckin' craziest things I've ever fuckin' done... That fuckin' Turk... I don't know how he ever talked me into this! What the fuck is wrong with me that I actually went along with this? I'm gonna fuckin' get killed out here, and it's all that fuckin' Turk's fault. This has gotta be his way of getting' revenge on me for all the fights we got into and he lost. Well, he's fuckin' got me good on this! Stupid-ass conspiracy of his, and I fell for it like the fuckin' ass that I am! Gonna get myself killed all over a doped up game... The Turk can't fuckin' take it that I wiped the floor with his ass a dozen times, so he kills me with a game thought up by the biggest crack-head that ever lived. Just get me the hell off of this death ride...I can think of better ways to go than this! 'The fuck's the matter with kids these days, they wanna kill themselves ridin' down a fucked up hill on the fuckin' skinniest skateboard some son of a bitch made up for the sole purpose of killing those over the age of 30 who dare intrude on their fuckin' extreme sports... No way in hell on earth am I ever gonna do this again! Aw, fuckin' hell...!"

Cid's subconscious spotted the finish line, and he actually remembered to sit up and pull on the sled's brakes. Ahead of him, Reno was doing the same, obviously having come in first place.

Rude tried. His sled skittered side to side a few times, but hardly slowed. Rude plowed head-first into a pile of hay bales, nothing but the soles of his shoes sticking out.

"I don't fuckin' believe it! I fuckin' lived to tell about it!" Cid stood up, his fists in the air.

Reno pulled his helmet off and narrowed his eyes at the second place man. "In your face, Cid-meister!" the redhead yelled.

"You can beat me at this new-fangled extreme sports you young punks are into, but my Venus Gospel and I can still kick your skinny ass any day!"

The next heat was Rufus and Elena versus Cloud and Yuffie. As they ran off, accelerating with their sleds, Yuffie belly-flopped onto hers instead of lying on her back. As a result, she couldn't steer into the first turn and dove head-first into the wall of hay bales. Reno laughed at her, earning him a harsh kick in the same shin that Marlene had abused on him earlier. The Turk howled in pain and missed seeing the lugers cross the finish line at the bottom of the hill.

Cloud, having suggested the game, was disappointed to come in a close second to the V.P. of ShinRa Corporation. Rufus stood up and danced around, making a few rude gestures at Cloud. What he didn't see was that Elena beared down on him, significantly off the pace of the front-runners. Her sled easily bowled the Vice President over in the most undignified epilogue to the young man's victory.

"Oops..." she said in a mousy voice after she and her collected victim came to a stop just shy of the hay bale barricade. She hiccupped, making it no secret that she'd had a few too many in the time between go-karting and this event.

When Rufus returned to the top of the hill, Tseng was all ready to check him over and make sure the President's pride and joy was okay. Rufus shoved him aside and reminded him that there were three lugers waiting for him to join the next heat.

Tseng and Reeve were up against Tifa and Vincent.

"Are you gonna wear that cape again, Vince?" Tseng asked the ex-Turk. "Might get it stuck in the wheels and perhaps rip that pretty little head of yours right off."

Vincent just eyed him with his red gaze. He gracefully removed his red cape and let it go into the wind. Yuffie caught it and jumped up and down squealing like a groupie. She held it out, but the red cape flapping in the breeze caught Barret's attention, and the man charged head-first like a bull towards a matador and plowed the spunky ninja girl over.

"I'm a bit old for this..." Reeve said humbly, readying his equipment.

"Aw, hell, Reeve!" came Cid's voice from the side lines, beer raised in hand. "Ain't nothin' to it. Don't let them youngsters scare you off with their extreme sports. After all, the worst that could happen is you die, right?"

"Uh...right..." Reeve made the sign of the cross over his chest.

"Hold on! I'm going to wait for them at the bottom!" said Reno. He took one of their ATV's and drove off.

"I'm in the same boat as you, Reeve," said the 40-some year old Turks' leader. "But honestly, I don't want Avalanche to beat us at this. It's bad enough Reno gets trashed by them every time the two sides scuffle in the streets. Losing now will only humiliate us even more."

"I'm not a Turk, sir," said Reeve. "But I'll try my hardest."

Tifa caught Reeve's eye and winked at him. The heart in Reeve's chest skipped a beat, her position leaning over her board for push-off getting to his fundamental male weakness.

The starter pistol cracking got the riders to jump off the line, and onto their sleds. The four had a clean run to the finish line, Tifa and the Turks' leader taking first and second. That is, until Tseng sat up to brake. Right in front of him, standing atop the bales of hay was a very naked Reno J. Nevada.

"Reno, what are you doing!?" Tseng yelled, sliding his feet on the tarmac trying to stop. He hit the bales, knocking Reno down from his perch. The young Turk landed face-down in Tseng's lap.

"Hi'ya, Boss!" Reno said, grinning ear to ear as he lifted his head.

"Get off of me, you sick turd!" Tseng shoved him off.

"I thought you'd be happy to see me," Reno acted emotionally hurt, sitting his naked butt on the gritty pavement.

Tseng's eyes met the dark gaze of Vincent Valentine. "Gee, if I'd worn my cape, we might have been able to do something about this little embarrassment," said the goth. Vince's eyes drifted down the lanky (and nude) Turk's body. "And I do mean little."

"Watch it, Goth-boy!" Reno retorted. "At least I didn't allow Hojo to chop it off like some ex-Turks I know!"

Vincent bared his sharp metal claws. "I could even the playing field if you'd like." At that, the skinny Turk ran off.

Back at the top of the hill, the 6 top finishers gathered to be divided into 2 groups for the semi-finals. The winners Reno, Rufus, and Tifa would race first, followed by the 2nd place finishers of Cloud, Cid, and Tseng.

Reno wanted to go down on his second run totally naked, but popular vote said otherwise. The shameless boy put his clothes back on and ran the race with no additional hijinx.

For those 2 heats, the top winners were Cloud and Reno, and they were to square off in a final heat to determine the over-all winner.

"Well, this is perfect," Reno said dryly.

"Isn't this the face-off that you wanted all along?" Cloud asked. "You and me, one on one to determine who's the better man?"

"'Cuz you sure as hell can't prove it by fighting us in the streets," Cid added, mocking the skinny Turk.

"Big talk from a scaredy-wuss who pissed and moaned the whole way down on his first run," Reno got him back.

"I can put yer ass in the hospital any day, Turk. You're just lucky today ain't that day."

The two finalists got their sleds to the starting line. They eyed each other in between taking quick peeks at their own wrist bangles to make sure they knew exactly what hidden weapons they had at their disposal. Cloud had his eyes on the shiny green orb in his Iron Bangle. Reno concentrated on the pink one in his modified bronze bangle.

With the crack of the starter pistol, the two were off.

They bumped each other repeatedly on the ride down while yet being cautious not to jeopardize themselves in the process. Cloud finally took Reno out as they entered the final corner, but in the process, he misjudged and put himself into the hay bales as well. The two hurried to be the first one back onto their sleds, sparing only a quick second to look at the other.

Cloud, being a few feet ahead of Reno, had the advantage. He cast an Ice 2 spell at Reno to buy more time, but the Turk cast his Speed Plus spell. Reno's sled shot down the final stretch to the finish line, blowing Cloud away, but also making it impossible for him to stop before reaching the reconstructed barrier of hay bales.

Reno and his sled punched through the barricade and into the auxiliary run-off area consisting of dust, sand, and a myriad of tiny pebbles that he rolled in for dozens of meters before coming to a stop far from the finish line.

The ATV's loaded with eliminated competitors made it to the bottom of the hill in time to see Cloud hang his head at the unexpected defeat. He could hardly blame Reno for 'cheating' by using materia when he, himself, was the first to unleash the magic power of his own.

Elena was the most ecstatic of all the ShinRa team members. She ran to Reno and glomped him as though he were a hero. "You saved us!" she cheered, hugging him tightly.

"Off, Elena!" Reno practically shoved her aside and gripped his right arm just below the elbow. "I think I broke my arm..." he said, but a moment later, his eyes brightened up, and he grinned. "Hey...! I broke my arm!" he said excitedly. "Whoo-hoo!!!" he thrust both arms over his head, but as soon as the bones grinded together and crackled under his skin, his high-flying attitude was reduced to a little whimper.

"I thought you said you never get hurt when you're having fun," Tseng reminded him.

"Yeah, well..."

"Hold him still, Elena," Tseng said, right there with his Cure 3 materia.

"Hey, wait, Tseng! What're you doing!?" Reno protested.

"Sorry, Reno, but this has to be done." Tseng activated the Cure 3 spell that worked almost instantly to heal Reno's arm.

"Hey!" Reno protested angrily, rubbing his sore but mended arm. "That was my ticket to a week's vacation in Coasta del Sol!"

"Do you want to prove that we can kick Avalanche's ass or not?" his boss reminded him. "In case you lost count, we're dead even with them in this best-two-of-three. We've still got one more competition to best them at."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right..." Reno said, allowing Tseng to pull him to his feet. "I don't need real injuries when I can just as easily fake them."

"Uh, right..." Tseng dryly played along in agreeance.

= = = = =

EVENT #3 - Bull Riding

"And here we are at the final event that will prove once and for all who can kick whose ass," Reno lead the way into the Rodeo Square. A little pay-off to the Gold Saucer's management secured the place exclusively for ShinRa and Avalanche.

Tseng took one look at the mechanical "bulls" that they were going to ride. "Reno, there's not enough plaster in the world to bind you back together with if you try to ride one of those things."

"Have some faith in me, Tseng. Besides, I never get hurt when I'm having fun."

"*ahem!*"

Reno absently rubbed his right elbow. "Uh, well, occasionally I get a little ding or two..."

"Whoo-hoo!" Rufus ran up to one of the machines and hopped on. "Here's to daddy who thinks I lead a sheltered life and sends along an overly-groomed Turk to guard me 24-7!"

"Rufus, sir!" Tseng ran up to the blond V.P. and reached his hands up. "Please get off of that until we're briefed on how to ride it safely."

Rufus kicked at Tseng's head, but the Turk put his arms up to block. "For once in my life, Tseng, piss the hell off!"

"The kid's right," said Cid while Tifa giggled behind him. "Ain't nothin' safe about these things anyway. You break yer neck, it's yer tough shit."

The mechanical bulls had no legs...just the shape of the animal's head and back with a leather no-back seat and a steel handle to grab onto. It was all supported by hydraulic controls that went into the floor and to a turntable. A computer operated the movement and bucking of the bulls, getting increasingly more violent the longer the rider stayed on. The only thing to catch a falling rider was a floor made of stiff foam.

"I'm gonna equip mine with materia!" Yuffie declared, running up to and jumping on the bull next to Rufus'. She slid onto the seat and then right back off the other side, landing on her head. She sat up, undaunted. "That doesn't count!!"

"Well," said Reno, "I also decided to make this otherwise boring sport more interesting..."

"What d'ya mean, boring!?" Reeve cut in. "People get killed riding bulls!"

Reno ignored him and held up what looked like toy hand rifles. "The object is to not only stay on the ride, but to also hit your opponent three times with these laser-tag guns!" Tseng shook his head, reminding himself that it could've been a lot worse. "Who ever stays on the longest or gets in 3 hits first will advance to the second round. In order to eliminate down to one winner, only 4 members of each team will compete in the first round. So both teams have to nominate their riders then place the names in Elena's silly little bowls."

"Stop making fun of my Tupperware!" Elena held a green bowl against her chest, arms wrapped tightly around it.

"I will if you stop cuddling with it. Tseng's gonna be so jealous." Reno took them from her.

The Turks could hear colorful words coming from their opponents' huddle, giving them a pretty good idea as to who just got nominated by the group. Reeve, having suggested the game, was the first picked for the ShinRa team. Following him, Tseng, Reno, and Rude were nominated for the other spots.

Elena drew the first name from the Turks' bowl. "It'll be Tseng against..."

Tifa drew for her team. "...Cloud!" she finished.

"Reno, if I break my ass on this thing..."

"Don't worry, boss. You've got Cure 3 materia."

"I'm saving that for you!"

The riders were set up with laser zappers and electronic target vests. Reno walked to the control panel to set the simulated animals into motion. "I hope you brought a comb, Tseng..." he said, pushing the start button.

Tseng's teeth knocked together as he tried to steady his aim at his Avalanche competitor. The tendons in his arm strained to their limit to hold onto the steel handle in the center of the fake bull's back.

"Whoo-hoo! Tseng, baby!" Reno cheered his boss on. "You can ride me in bed like that some day!" Rude whacked him in the back of the head.

A violent buck threw him slightly off balance, and his legs worked harder to grip the back of the animal under him. His vest sounded, as Cloud got in the first hit. An unanticipated change of direction finally threw the Turks' leader to the floor before he could zap his opponent even once.

Cloud's ride slowed to a stop as he'd outlasted his opponent. Tseng got to his knees, his hair a disheveled mess. The last thing he wanted was for Reno to run up to him and declare his defeat, but that's exactly what the spirited Turk did.

"And the only thing hurt is his pride!" Reno announced, raising Tseng's arm triumphantly.

"Think again..." Tseng muttered, but no one heard.

Reno pulled him to his feet. "Don't forget to take your consolation prize..." Reno handed him a pair of underwear. "I thought maybe you'd need a clean pair after that."

Tseng angrily shoved Reno and tossed the underwear onto Reno's head.

Reno grinned and waved his hand playfully. "Oh, Tseng, honey...can't we save that kind of behavior for when we are alone?"

The next competitors drawn were Reno and Vincent. Reno took off his shirt and unbuttoned his fly.

"Don't even think about it, Reno!" Rude's bass voice thundered at him. "We all gotta sit on the same seat, y'know?"

"Just getting comfy," said Reno as Reeve helped him into the target vest. "Let's see...I've just got 204 more bones to go, and I'll have a new daily record...though I suppose the two little guys in my ears don't count..."

"Reno, aren't you forgetting something?" Reeve asked him, zipping the vest closed.

"Yes, my jock strap." He turned to his leader. "Yo, Tseng! Can I borrow your jock strap. I seem to have left mine in the back seat of some bimbo's car."

"No," Tseng looked away.

"Yo, Elena! Check your back seat for me...I'd like that jock strap back some time!"

Her foot slammed into his already battered shin, eliciting a tortured howl from the red head Turk. Reno limped to the ride, happy to get off of his feet for a while.

"Let's see who's got more balls now," said Vincent, already sitting and waiting.

"I'd show you, but I don't want you turning green with envy."

"All the more this ride's gonna hurt you then," Vince's voice remained tauntingly calm.

The ride started moving, and the riders tried to stay on while zapping the other's targets.

"Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby!" Reno cheered. "Hey, Vincent! I'll bet you're not feeling the way I'm feeling right now! You're missing out!"

"I don't care," Vincent said without thinking.

"A-ha! Got you to confess, didn't I?" said Reno. He got two shots in to Vincent's one. As the bull turned its back to the former Turk, Reno turned his flexible body and shot Vince one more time to claim victory.

Vincent's vest buzzed, startling the older man into falling off the ride before it stopped moving. Reno jumped down and put a foot onto the man's chest.

"Suck-a'!!!" Reno declared.

Vince looked up and saw the barrel of Reno's laser gun pointing at him, only Reno wasn't holding it with his hands. It was tucked into the open fly of his pants.

Vincent swiftly kicked a leg up, nailing the defenseless Turk where it hurt. The gun tumbled out of his pants as Reno curled into a ball, holding his painful manhood. "Ha!" Vincent turned. "Another thing not to be missed..."

The next two riders were Cid and Rude. Rude made a fist for Cid and squeezed his large bicep with his other hand. Cid made one, too, the shapely muscles of his forearm rippling. Rude pressed his fists together and tensed up his chest and shoulders. Cid countered his showing off by thrusting out his chest and beating on it with one fist. The two relaxed their poses. Cid reached up and ruffled his hand in his blond hair and stuck his tongue out at Rude.

Rude touched his bald head and slouched pitifully in defeat.

"Ha!" said Cid, approaching one of the bulls. Rude got onto the other.

"You think Rude's too stupid to fall off?" Elena asked Tseng.

"Now, now, Elena... Rude's a Turk like the rest of us. He's pretty good with a gun, too." But as the ride went into motion, Tseng second-guessed his colleague. Rude was thrashing around, out of shape, while Cid was scoring hits on the laser vest.

The pilot out-zapped his competition and won by scoring hits. The ride slowed, and Rude looked thoroughly beaten up.

"Here, kid...buy yerself a drink," Cid said, thumb-flicking a coin over at Rude. The coin pinged off of Rude's forehead, right between his eyes, and the Turk fell off his mount and landed on the floor in a daze. "Pfff... What's his problem?"

By process of elimination, Reeve and Yuffie were the last two to go for round one. Reeve looked at the gun in his hand.

"I haven't shot many guns in my life," he said, looking at the toy.

"It's got a range," said Tseng. "Your aim doesn't have to be too perfect."

"I know I could hold on longer than any of ya, but I ain't too sure about this part," Reeve climbed onto the ride, still contemplating the gun.

"Weeeeeee...!!!" Yuffie leapt up onto the bull and did a repeat-performance of falling right back off the other side. "Ow...that's not fair!" she said. "That didn't count!!!"

"It should," Reno grumbled.

Yuffie clambered back on, and Reno started the ride in motion. Yuffie squealed, trying to keep her butt on the seat while Reeve was seated just fine and kept getting crossed up with the pistol.

Reeve's vest beeped. He'd been hit. The idea caused Reeve to get all the more frantic to try to get an equal number of shots in. His ride turned the right way, and he was able to get a clean shot at the ninja girl. Yuffie's vest beeped, and the bull bucked its back end up, catapulting Yuffie into the air higher than anyone would have probably imagined.

"Damn kids!" Cid muttered, watching her sail through the air. "Gotta do everything up and all..."

"Yaaaaaaaa.....oof!!" Yuffie screamed then came to an abrupt landing on top of someone.

"Arrrgh!! I'm being attacked by a living Cootie!!" Rufus screamed and squirmed underneath Yuffie, who seemed to take to riding him as though she were still on the mechanical bull.

"Master Rufus, Sir!" Tseng intervened and pulled Yuffie off of him. "Sir, are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine!" Rufus shoved Tseng aside as he got back to his feet. Tseng watched him walk off.

"Hey, where are your manners!?" a shrill woman's voice next to him yelled. Tseng turned his attention to Yuffie, but got a swift kick under the chin that sent him falling backwards. "Just shove a lady aside and don't say anything to her... Umph!"

"Lady?" Reno asked as Yuffie came by him. "Are you sure about that?" Yuffie paused before him and delivered the fourth abusive kick into his already bruised shin. Reno yelled, cursing like a sailor until she gave him a second kick, this time in the balls. "Aaaa-haaagh! Would you stop doing that!?!?" the Turk wailed, a crumpled heap on the floor.

"Well, looks like we got our four semi-finalists," said Cloud. "...Even if one of them is dreadfully pathetic," he looked down at Reno still writhing in pain.

"Well, I suppose Reno's crazy enough not to mind..." said Tseng, turning his back to everyone. "*ahem...* Rude, would you mind..."

The bald Turk stood behind his leader, looking back at the others with a stern gaze that made their eyes shy away. Tseng undid his belt and loosened the top of his trousers. With a minimal amount of undressing, he managed to get his jock strap off. He walked over to Reno, not daring to make eye-contact anyone around him.

"You look like you can use this," Tseng said quietly, dangling his little article of protective gear in front of Reno.

Confidence restored, Reno got back up onto the mechanical bull for the semi-final round. Cid would ride against him. The pilot laughed as the two of them waited for their ride to begin.

"Not so cocky now, eh, Turk?" Cid taunted.

"I used up my best jokes on Vincent," Reno said, gun poised to begin the riding and shooting battle.

"Aw, well that's too bad." The ride set into motion and the guys held on with all their might, trying to level the laser zappers at one another while the chest target was in view.

Reno's aim was off, his body thoroughly abused for one day. Cid, used to fighting with a spear, wasn't aiming too well either. Reno got a hit in on him first.

"Damn, fuck it!" Cid cursed. "I take back all the shit I said about street luge, this bull riding crap is gonna kill me worse, but damn if I ain't takin' a Turk down with me." With that, he scored two hits on Reno.

Reno came back and expertly took a shot at Cid, evening the score at 2 hits a piece. "Whoo-hoo!" Reno celebrated. "If only you could shoot a gun as well as you shoot off at the mouth."

"Ain't no son of a bitch Turk gonna get the best of me, 'specially not now!" Cid and Reno aimed at each other as their bulls faced one another. Both fired, and both scored, eliminating each other from the competition.

Reno leapt off before his ride stopped, and Cid was right there next to him.

"Good shootin' kid," the pilot clapped a hand on the boy's lanky shoulder.

"Next time we'll use a different kind of pistol," Reno grinned tugging at his belt line.

He should've seen it coming, but Cid booted him square in the shin. His leg gave out under him, and the Turk screamed with tears in his eyes.

"Guess the finals are between you and me," Reeve said to Cloud as Tseng dragged Reno to the sidelines to see if anything could be done for him.

Tifa and Barrett cheered their rider on. Cloud smiled and waved to them.

Elena rushed up to Reeve and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You can do it, Danny!" she said, hugging him as though he were her other object of affection, Tseng.

"This is gonna decide it," Reeve said as she let him go. "Funny thing is, I'm ordinarily just a lonely guy stuck up in an office somewhere. And yet, it's like the Turks' reputation rests on my shoulders."

Elena reached up to him and rubbed her hands down the sides of his neck. "And what big shoulders you have," she had a tease of seduction in her voice.

Reeve blushed bright red and laughed lightly. "Well, I won't disappoint m'lady I suppose." He mounted his ride next to Cloud and nodded. The ride started up, and everyone grew tense. Both sides knew that the overall winner was about to be declared in what started out as pure fun, but was now totally serious.

Cloud was strong, but Reeve was experienced. Neither were excessively skilled using guns, so neither had the advantage. The rides thrashed the men around, knocking off otherwise good aims. Target vests beeped as riders took hits. Tied two and two, one more shot would win it. As the rides rotated and bucked, who ever could get the first clean shot would likely take the win for their team. Cloud twisted his body, not liking the direction his ride was facing. Reeve was in his sights, but the ride jerked suddenly, throwing him off balance.

Cloud's arm twisted, and he could not hold on. He fell off, shooting up at his opponent at the same time. Though Reeve did take a third hit, Cloud lost because he did not stay on the ride the longest.

Elena cheered, and Reno grabbed Tseng and ruffled the man's hair in celebration. Reeve jumped down and reached a hand down to his fallen competition. Cloud took it and pat the man on the back for his narrow victory.

Barrett put his artificial hand fist through a wall, and Vincent just turned and walked away.

"Ha!!" Rufus barked loudly. "How's it feel to have your butt kicked by ShinRa and the Turks!? Ow!" he recoiled as a foot booted him in his buttocks. He turned, and it was Yuffie. The ninja girl giggled and ran off, and the V.P. gave chase.

"Why don't we all meet down at the Lounge, and I'll buy us all drinks?" Reeve suggested, one arm around Cloud and the other collecting up Tseng.

= = = = =

Being in the bar was probably the first bit of relative quiet the two factions had all day. They all sat around a corner table in the restaurant section enjoying a good meal and plenty of booze.

"Hey, waiter!!" Reno shouted, disturbing the moment where everyone should be unwinding. "This is a right-handed fork! I'm a lefty!"

Tseng yanked the fork from Reno's hand, not liking the way he was wielding it while drunk. He waved the waiter off. "Reno, all forks are made the same and can be used by either hand! Besides, you're just not accustomed to using your right hand for stuff, that's all."

"This is all Reeve's fault!" Reno tugged at the sling that held his right arm, which was sore from the rough rides he'd overused it for all day.

"Shut yer whinin'!" said Cid, as he, Cloud, Rude, Tseng, and Vince were all in a similar predicament around the table, the violent bucking of the mechanical bulls having taken their toll on many. Cid stabbed at his food with his off-hand and muttered a few colorful oaths.

"I guess it takes getting' used to," said Reeve, rubbing the shoulder of his gripping arm which actually felt good instead of misused.

"You're just saying that 'cause you won!" said Reno, across the table from the man who was buying them all dinner. "At least we know you're good for something, Reeve. Aside from getting in bed with little ol' me and all..."

A boot clubbed Reno's shin, and it was no secret who it came from this time. Reno screamed then quietly whimpered, laying his head down to the table top, totally oblivious to the fact that the side of his head was now laying in his salad.

"Sorry..." Reeve shrugged, his cheeks turning pink.

THE END

This Turk Party fic was based off ideas that inspired me from the "Activity Centre" party series written by some buddies of mine overseas. © 2003, written by Zeng Li. This story is dedicated to all the Minardi drivers who manage to flip their F-3000 cars on the formation lap.

As usual, the characters used in this story are copyrighted intellectual property of Squaresoft. This fic is not used for monetary gain and should not be reposted without my written or verbal permission. (I do look, and found a few thieves, so watch it!)