Turks Party 3

Turks Party 3 - Mary Kay Party
By: Zheng Lee

The toot of a horn told Reeve that his ride was waiting for him. He left his apartment, shrugging into his jacket along the way. He looked around for Tseng's hot sports car, but it was no where to be found. He wondered if the horn was for someone else. A little embarrassed, he turned back to his apartment. But then, the horn blared again from a nearby car, demanding his attention.

Reeve turned back and saw the occupant of a tiny green LN7 come out and wave to him. It was Tseng!

"My gosh, Tseng! What the hell is that!?" he asked, staring at the pathetic excuse for an econo-car.

"Shut up and get in," Tseng grumbled, closing the driver's side door.

Reeve stifled laughter but couldn't stop his grin. Tseng drove the little car hunched over slightly as if to hide his identity as the driver of such a wimpy little automobile. He was a little red around the eyes, half from anger, and half from embarrassment.

"Uh......?" Reeve began hesitantly.

"It's a rent-a-car, okay!" Tseng cut him off. "My other car is in the shop again, should it be any surprise..."

Reeve just kept grinning and let Tseng drive the little manual-transmission, on-the-verge-of-misfiring little LN-7. If anything, they should be privileged to be riding in one, as there were so few of them left.

The little car bounced into the parking lot to Reno's apartment complex. He parked it in the visitors' area, away from the two areas that had been the sites of the little Cyrus-induced "accidents" that put his expensive sports car in the body shop.

"Cheer up, Tseng," said Reeve. "Reno promised there'd be lots of beer at tonight's party. You'll forget all your problems tonight, and you never know...you may even score...heh, heh..."

"For the last time, Reno and I are not an item!"

"Oooh...grumpy grumpy..." Reeve put an arm across Tseng's shoulders and walked him up the steps to Reno's flat. Tseng shook him off once they reached the porch. "Now, come on. Time to party Reno-style!"

As Reeve reached for the door, Tseng pushed a hand against it to keep it closed. "I don't know, Reeve... Seems things haven't gone too well at the last few Reno-parties we've been to. Maybe I should just go home. I'm sure we can get Rufus to drive you home later."

"Ugh...I'd rather walk. Now, come on. We've both been to many Reno-parties before, and it was just the last two that weren't the best for you. Please, just come in, and I'm sure everything'll be fine tonight."

With a grunt of semi-disapproval, Tseng pushed the door open and entered Reno's little realm. Immediately as the door swung open, Scarlett unleashed her Slap-All materia and bowled over all the party-goers.

"What was that for!?" demanded Reno, picking himself up off the floor, rubbing his cheek.

"For not inviting my dear Heidegger!" Scarlett stormed off to the kitchen in search of more booze.

Tseng cringed hearing the name of his boss...the same man who'd caught him literally with his pants down at one of the most recent parties. "So, Reno..." he approached the host. "What's the twisted game tonight? Or should I just strip right now so everyone can laugh and get it over with?"

Reno threw an arm over Tseng's shoulders and gave him a playful, alcohol-scented kiss on the cheek. "Relax, boss man! Loosen up. You're too paranoid all because of a little bad luck you had. Trust me, I would've traded places with you in an instant...well, except for the Heidegger part..."

"Let's not go there, Reno... And stop kissing me..." Tseng brushed past Reno and found himself the one searching for booze.

Reeve sat down in his customary place on the larger sofa. Rude and Rufus were at the pool table again.

Elena was the last one there, and Reno ran to the door immediately to greet her. "Hey, El'...! So, did you bring the 'stuff'...?"

"Uh, yeah...!" she said, swinging a large briefcase up and onto the back of the sofa.

There was a pause of silence. "Well...go get them...!" said Reno.

"Huh?"

"You know...the kegs! So the party can officially get started!"

"Kegs?" Elena shot him a look.

Reno let his body sag in frustration. "The kegs, Elena...the kegs!! How can this be a Merry Keg party without them!?"

"Merry Keg!?" Elena knotted her brow. "Where did you get Merry Keg from? I told you it was going to be a Mary Kay party."

"A what!?"

"Mary Kay! You know, as in Mary Kay cosmetics?"

Reno slapped himself on the forehead, feeling another disastrous event coming. "I don't believe this..." He went to the CD player and turned the blaring music down. "Everyone, listen up. Elena screwed up the party again! I ordered a Merry Keg party, and she brought a Mary Kay party. I have a bad feeling she's going to try selling us stuff again."

"Reno, sit down and shut up!" Elena yelled at him. "It's not the end of the world. Besides, if I know the lunatics that we hang out with, you never know who might be interested in buying cosmetics."

"Elena, go into the kitchen with Scarlett!" Reno pointed the way for her. Elena pouted but strutted over to the door to the kitchen. "And take your Mary Kay with you!" Reno threw the briefcase at her. Frustrated, he dropped heavily onto the sofa next to Reeve.

"There's not enough alcohol to go around," Reeve told him. "I suggest finding a way to get some before Rufus and Scarlett get aggravated."

"Yeah, yeah..." Reno stomped off to the kitchen to get the phone to call the nearest liquor store to order some kegs to be delivered. He'd already forgotten the girls that were there, and after he hung up the phone, he saw Scarlett and Elena engrossed in the contents of the briefcase. "What is that?" he asked, leaning over Elena's shoulder.

"Make-up," she replied. "Why, are you interested now?"

"No."

"Kyaa haa haa haa...!" Scarlett laughed, chewing on some bonbons. "Get a few beers in him, and I'll bet we can get him to consent to a facial." The two girls giggled, and Reno just walked out on them.

"Damn, the party just isn't lively enough," Reno muttered to himself, returning to a rather uneventful scene in the living room. "I know..." He walked into the center of the room. "All right, everyone!! Time for Strip-Twister!!" No one budged. "Come on, guys...!"

"No, Reno," said Rufus. "Allow me to illustrate how a typical game of Strip-Twister with Reno goes. Left hand, green!" He bent over as if to place his hand on the game mat, then he promptly dumped himself over and onto the floor. "Oops...I fell over...! Guess I get to take some of my clothes off!"

Reno was the only one that did not find the imitation of himself amusing.

"Well, I could get the dice and tokens out again, much to Tseng's delight, I'm sure," said Reno.

"Reno," said Rude. "Just wait for the kegs to get here. Party games are more fun once everyone's had a few too many."

"Yeah, you're right. I hope those kegs get here soon or I'll have to tap into my secret stash of Ginger Ale."

So, after a while, the kegs arrived, and everyone worked on getting drunk. Reno was sufficiently sloshed by the time he next wandered into the kitchen. The girls were still in there, decorating their faces with all sorts of blush, eye-shadow, and mascara.

"Are you sure you don't want try any on?" asked Scarlett, holding up a vial of lipstick.

"Uh...no thanks," Reno backed away slowly.

"Aw, come on, Reno," said Elena. "You're the one who likes humiliating himself at parties."

"I have my limits, Elena!" Reno paused momentarily. "Mmm...on the other hand..."

Reno snuck his way through the living room and to the stairs without raising much suspicion. He carried his prize up to his bedroom while the party progressed without him just fine.

"Here's a lethal combo," said Rufus, holding up a mixed drink. "Perhaps we should let Reeve test it out before I drink it."

Reeve backed away from the drunk Vice President, turning a little green. "I don't think so, Rufus. It smells like turpentine and salad dressing."

"Hmm..." Rufus thought about it. "Not a bad suggestion, Reeve. But that's not what this is."

"Vinegar and sulfuric acid?" Reeve kept stepping backwards away from the vile creation Rufus was trying to force on him. Finally, his back hit the wall, and Rufus and the concoction were still advancing. "Get away!" Reeve swept an arm at the VP, knocking the drink from his hand. The liquid spilled onto the floor and rapidly ate a hole in the carpet amidst the white vapors that rose from it.

"Wow. Good thing you didn't drink that!" said Nathan. "What was in that?"

Rufus shrugged. "Beats me. Just a few things I found lying around."

"Remind me to tell Reno to hide his household cleaning products next time he invites Rufus to a party." Reeve sat back down on the sofa and poured himself some ordinary Brandy. "Hey, speaking of which, has anybody seen Reno lately?"

"I hope he's not passed out already," said Rude.

Tseng stood up, realizing just how out of it he'd gotten. He nearly fell over as a wave of dizziness invaded his senses. But still, he had such a craving for a martini that he couldn't help himself. He wobbled into the kitchen.

Reno came sliding down the banister, screaming like an aborigine. He howled, thumping his bony chest, successfully drawing the attention of his guests in the living room.

"Dear God...!" Reeve gasped.

Reno stood in the foyer, electric nightstick in hand and charged up, wearing nothing but a loin cloth. His face and body were streaked with colorful patterns, obviously from Elena's stock of Mary Kay products. All he needed was a bone through his nose, and he'd be the perfect caveman.

"Heads up..." Reeve grumbled, slouching further down into the sofa hoping the crazed Reno wouldn't spot him.

"Me want woman!" Reno grunted, leaping over some living room furniture, whacking his nightstick around. He encountered Rufus and began noisily sniffing the VP.

"Aaaah! Rude, get him off me!" Rufus screaming, covering his head with his arms.

Rude tried to grab Reno, but the young ball of agility evaded him. Reno jumped off the sofa, lunging at Rude. The larger Turk dodged the leap, and Reno landed sprawled out on his stomach on the pool table. The billiard balls scattered from their places, infuriating Rufus who was winning as usual.

"Dammit, you little runt!" the VP yelled. He swung his cue stick at Reno, but the young Turk was too fast. The cue stick splintered in two, and the electric nightstick swooped down in retaliation. Rude intercepted the nightstick and took an uncharged hit to his forearm, successfully guarding the VP.

"Reno! Stop this insanity!" Rude yelled at his partner. But, there was no taming the drunken beast. Reno jumped onto Rude's back and tried biting the hands that reached up to get him off. "Reno, I swear...!" Rude tried dumping Reno off of him, and the wily Turk sprung off and towards the sofa. Rude grabbed at him, but only got his hand on the loin cloth, which got ripped off the body of the obnoxious Turk.

Reno stood on all fours on the sofa, grinning at the knowledge that he was completely nude and streaked with colorful war paint. "Even better...!" he had an evil smile.

"We have no other choice but to sedate him," said Rufus, pulling his shotgun out from his long trench coat.

"Rufus, no!" yelled Reeve.

"Don't worry, pacifist. I have tranquilizer darts meant to be used on monsters, large animals, and the occasional drunk Turk." Rufus loaded his gun while Rude tried to keep Reno in sight and under as much control as possible.

"Well, hurry up!" Reeve scooted over to the far side of the sofa when Reno came too near.

Rufus lined up his shot, but Reno sprang at him like a wild cat. As Rufus tried to dodge, his gun went off. Reno bolted after pouncing the VP and stood on the pool table as the stained glass light fixture above him shattered.

"Great shot, kid," Rude grumbled sarcastically, snatching the shotgun from Rufus' hands.

The naked, questionably sane Turk ran around the living room, ducking behind furniture. Reeve scurried to find a place to hide, not just from Reno but also from the shotgun-wielding Rude.

Reno came back around by the pool table, circling his hunter. He grabbed as many billiard balls as he could and began hurling them at Rude. Rude parried, trying to keep his head away from the flying objects. One of the heavy balls struck his hand, causing him to accidentally pull the trigger to the shotgun. Over by the stairs, Reeve collapsed suddenly.

"You were saying!" Rufus scolded the huge Turk, taking his shotgun back to reload.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Tseng squirmed in his seat. "Do you mind...! Let go! I need to see what's going on out there!"

Scarlet held him down, long fingernails digging into his shoulders to keep him in place. "Now, now, Tseng. If you go out there, I'm sure Reno will just humiliate you again, and I know you don't want that."

Elena smiled at her handiwork. "There! All done. Don't you look cute, Tsengie...!?" she held up a mirror.

"Aaaah!!" Tseng screamed, seeing just what the girls had accomplished on him in the past ten minutes. They just giggled.

"Aawww, Tseng. You look so cute!" Elena cooed.

There was a sound of glass shattering in the other room, and this time, Tseng squirmed free. "I have to see what they're doing in there." He opened the kitchen door.

Everyone was unconscious on the floor except Rude and Reno. Reno saw Tseng emerge from the kitchen, and his eyes nearly lit up. Tseng had already forgotten about what the girls had done to him. Reno charged at the Turk leader, unexpectedly clubbing him with his nightstick. Tseng fell to the floor, and Reno jumped over to him, grabbing his long hair.

"Me find girl!" he grunted, dragging Tseng by the hair to the staircase.

Rude ducked behind the pool table to load their last tranquilizer dart. Reno, meanwhile, had to grab Tseng by the arm, but began pulling the oriental Turk up the stairs. The girls came out of the kitchen quite sober, but with looks saying "what the hell...?"

Rude made his way through the landscape of fallen bodies and knocked over items in his pursuit of the wild, drunk, and naked Turk. The girls got in his way.

"Rude! What is all this about!?" asked Elena.

"Reno found a better use for Mary Kay products, and he let it all go to his head. He's got Tseng, and he's upstairs. I fear to know..."

"No!!" shrieked Elena. "If he's totally drunk and wasted, and he sees Tseng......!"

"Kyaa haa haa haa! That horny little bastard!" Scarlet laughed.

"Out of the way before it's too late!" Rude pushed past them and led the way up the stairs to the first place he thought Reno would be.

"Wake up, little Jane...it's your hunk, Tarzan!" Reno climbed on top of Tseng and began roughly kissing the unconscious man, running his hands through the man's silky jet-black hair.

"Reno!" Rude barked, leveling the gun at his insane partner.

"Yo! Chill, Rude! I was just having a little bit of fun! Put the gun down, okay!" Reno pleaded, showing his more sane side again. Rude lowered the weapon hesitantly. "Damn," said Reno. "I don't know who this girl is, or if I even remember inviting her to the party, but she's one hot babe!"

"Reno...that's Tseng!" said Elena.

Reno bent down to kiss the "girl" again, but he took a second to see exactly what Elena had tried pointing out to him. "Aaaaaah!! Tseng's a girl!!?" Reno reared back unbalanced and fell off the bed, striking his head on the hardwood floor.

"Reno!" Rude gave the shotgun to Elena and ran over to his friend. Reno was out cold, so Rude picked him up and laid him on the bed next to the unconscious Tseng. "Scarlett, can you get me some clothes to put on him before he wakes up?"

"Kyaa haa haa haa! Just what I always wanted to do...go through a man's underwear drawer!"

"Never mind..." said Rude. "I'll do it." He retrieved some clothes and dressed Reno.

"My bonbons... I forgot about my bonbons!!" Scarlet freaked. "They're probably melting all over the kitchen table!"

"How can you be thinking about bonbons at a time like this!?" snarled Elena, but she couldn't keep Scarlet from running back downstairs.

The party ended with the familiar sounds of sirens, just not from the usual police cars that responded regularly to neighbor complaints. This time, it was the medics who came to revive the knocked out party-goers.

Rufus came to, pissed that he had somehow become a victim of his own tranquilizer darts. Rude had done his best to get all the make-up off Tseng's face before the medics had arrived in hopes of keeping rumors from developing about how the Shinra high executives liked to party.

Reno had a concussion from his fall off the bed and onto the solid floor. It had also wiped out his short-term memories of the events of the night, and so Reno had no recollection of the ways in which he'd made a fool of himself during the party. He was taken to the hospital, albeit protesting, so they could make sure his head injury wasn't severe.

"He tried what with me!?" asked Tseng.

"Don't let it get around," Elena said softly to him. "Then again," she giggled. "You looked really good done up as a woman!"

"Aw, shut up."

"I don't think we should tell Reno everything he did tonight," suggested Rude.

"Agreed," said Tseng. "On the other hand, isn't he going to wonder about all his broken stuff and why there's a hole in the wall from a tranquilizer dart that missed its target?"

"Probably not."

"I think another week from hell is in order. I don't mind his parties getting a little rowdy, all in good fun, but he needs a little more discipline before he gets entirely out of control."

"There's one easy way to punish him," said Reeve. "Ban him from hosting parties for the next month or two."

Tseng liked the idea. "All right. So, then, who's gonna host one the next time then?"

"I will," Rude volunteered.

"Though I think we all need a break from parties after all that's gone on the past three times we had one," said Reeve.

"We'll see," Tseng stood up, the reviving medicine having done it's job well. "I just think it's time to humiliate Reno for a change, if that's at all possible."

"You'll think of something," Elena encouraged him with a kiss on the cheek.

Hmm, Tseng thought to himself. I may already have.

THE END