turkparty26

Turks Party 26 - Snowball Party
By: Zeng Li

The calm, snowy mountains were about to explode with a wild frenzy known as a Reno Party. It wouldn't have been much of a party without him, but keeping him around ensured chaos and humiliation to some.

The mountains that served as a backdrop for the great city of Midgar were capped with snow. A level valley surrounded on 3 sides by mountain peaks housed a lake that froze over this time of year. Only a few evergreen trees were present and scattered seemingly by random across the expansive valley. The place had become a winter resort, built up by Shinra funding and for use only by Shinra employees. A chain-link fence surrounded some of the lake, a small cabin with a fireplace was built, along with a few other structures to keep the place from being barren wilderness.

The Shinra helicopter descended, blowing the snow off the surface of the frozen surface of the lake and continued on to an area over land. It hovered as the pilot maneuvered for a slow descent.

"All ashore who's going ashore!" Reno proclaimed over the sound of the rotors. He gave Rufus a great shove from behind, sending the boy tumbling out of the aircraft and into the deep snow. He laughed, admiring the body-shaped print that Rufus left at his landing site.

Tseng grabbed him roughly by the back of the jacket and pulled him towards him. "That's the Vice President's life you're playing with, Reno!!" the Wutan barked at him.

"Relax, Tseng. I just wanna get him riled up. Him…and also you!" Reno grabbed Tseng's jacket and flung him overboard prematurely as well. Down below, Rufus was just getting to his feet when Tseng's weight suddenly crashed down on top of him.

Reno laughed hysterically as the helicopter maneuvered away from the two and landed softly in the snow. Everyone piled out, bringing containers with food and drink with them, losing sight of Reno in the process. The helicopter took off again and followed the slope of the mountain side.

Rufus swatted snow at Tseng while the Turk shielded his eyes and tried to get off of him. "I'm sorry, Sir! Reno will be punished for this!"

The others joined them and set up for what was destined to be a very unusual party. Tseng figured that Reno wouldn't be stupid enough to strip all his clothes off in below-freezing temperatures. Then again…

"Uh…where's Reno?" asked Elena, looking around.

Just then, a red-haired maniac came flying down the mountain slope on a sled, aimed right for the rest of the party attendees. Reeve, Tseng, Elena, Rufus, Rude, and Scarlett all dodged out of the path of the Reno-driven sled. Heidegger did not get out of the way, and Reno crashed into his fat belly, making a deep, temporary dent in the fat man's body. Reno rebounded off him and got thrown back a few meters. He sat up, disoriented from the sudden stop.

"Gyaah, haa haa haa!!" Heidegger bellowed in a voice loud enough to start a few avalanches world-wide. Scarlett's "Kyaa haa haa haa…" joined him.

Reeve picked Reno up by the elbow and steadied him. "Well, kid. You just went where no man has gone before."

Reno shook his head and walked unsteadily. "Where are those frozen beer-pops?" he staggered in the direction of the coolers they'd hauled with them.

While Reno got his booze-on-a-stick, Elena scooped up a handful of snow and balled it up. She threw it at Tseng and hit his back with it. Tseng turned as if to say, oh, no…I'm not stooping to that level. But Rude made a snowball and hurled it back at Elena in Tseng's defense.

Scarlett and Heidegger attacked the stash of hard liquor while the others scuffled in a brief snowball fight. Their version of sampling everything was to down the entire flask at once.

Heidegger was the first one wobbling from the alcohol. He staggered out onto the frozen lake and belly-flopped onto it. He crashed through the ice and into the frigid water beneath.

"I'll save you, Heiddy Darling!!" Scarlett ran and slid across the ice on her belly. She reached out to Heidegger, but he was too heavy and only succeeded in pulling her in with him. The two floundered around for a while, and Scarlett yelled out for help.

The snowball fighters looked their way and shrugged. Usually Scarlett escaped drowning by drinking the entire vat of what ever she'd fallen into. Which probably explained her frequent liking to visiting vineyards.

"This one's for you, Rude," Reno said, handing his partner a deep purple colored Popsicle.

Rude licked it. "Tastes like Rum."

"Because it is!" said Reno. "Beer-pops. Rum-pops. Vodka-pops. Chernobyl-pops. I thought of everything!"

The lake was big enough that the crater Heidegger had made in its frozen surface did not compromise the rest of its integrity. Elena pressured Tseng to put on some ice skates with her and go out onto the lake.

"Um…Elena, I've never been good at skating," he said sheepishly.

"Don't worry. I'll hold your hand."

Reno licked a Vodka-pop but then saw Tseng shuffling his feet out on the ice. "Finish this for me, Rude!" he said, shoving the pop into Rude's other hand. He ran off.

Elena skated smoothly next to Tseng whose feet never seemed to go in the same direction as one another. "Relax, Tseng. Pretend you're standing in the office." She let go of him and skated just out of his reach.

Tseng's knees bowed together, then one foot slipped outward. He teetered on rigid legs, his arms out to the side for balance. Elena nearly giggled at the gritted-teeth expression on his face.

Reno was enjoying it, too, sneaking up behind him. He leaned in next to Tseng's ear and shouted, "Hi'ya Boss!!"

Tseng totally freaked, lost his footing under him, and fell like a rock, right on his ass.

Reno laughed hysterically and ran off along the icy surface in his boots. Tseng couldn't even scramble to his feet to catch the punk without slipping time after time. Elena had half a mind to follow, but instead got Tseng to stand back up on his skates.

Reeve was there when Reno got off the lake and back to the snow-covered land. He thumped the kid on the back. "You've got guts, Reno. Let me take one last look at you before Tseng tears you to shreds."

Reno grinned. "Tseng likes being humiliated," he said plainly in self-deception. He made his way over to Rude. "Getting nice and drunk yet, Rude?"

"I don't get as think as you drunk I do…" Rude slurred, licking a potent Chernobyl Pop.

"At'ta-boy, Rude," he pat his companion's shoulder. "A few more Chernobyl Pops and you'll have yourself a good melt-down. Ha, ha, ha, ha…!"

Elena finally skated Tseng to the edge of the lake and let him off on nice firm snow-covered land. "Geesh! That's gonna be the talk of the Christmas party," she said. "Tseng Wulong…Turk. Can't skate his way out of a paper bag."

"I have ways of silencing people, you know…"

"Has anyone seen Rufus?" asked Reeve.

They looked around, knowing that Rufus' white coat may camouflage him a little with the scenery. They didn't see the VP, but they did see a thin trail of white dust zipping down the mountain.

"What's that!?" asked Elena.

The dust cloud got closer, and they could see that it was someone riding a sled. With Reno already accounted for, it had to be Rufus.

The VP's coat flapped in the wind behind him as he sped down the side of the valley on his Radio Flyer at an unstoppable speed. The Turks scattered to avoid the crazy kid. Tseng turned back after Rufus sped past them.

"Master Rufus, sir! You're going to hit the lake!" Tseng tried to run after Rufus and onto the ice but only succeeded in belly-flopping unceremoniously on the surface.

"We'll save him!" said Elena as she and Reno skated out onto the ice.

"Whoo-hoo!!" Rufus cried as his sled's runners dug 2 trails in the ice behind him.

"Rufus, you idiot!!" screamed Scarlett, bobbing half frozen in the hole Heidegger had made in the ice. She waved her arms, hoping he'd steer around her before they collided.

He had a ravenous look on his face that said he wouldn't mind taking her head off today. He didn't veer off. Scarlett ducked under the water as the Radio Flyer zoomed above her. She'd raised her hands and caught hold of the runners so the sled pulled her out of the water as it went by.

The extra weight slowed Rufus down rapidly. As the sled stopped, he scowled at her for ruining his fun. Reno and Elena caught up with them on the far end of the lake.

"You stupid bitch!" Rufus yelled at her.

Scarlett was flailing her arms as her entire lower body was encased in a block of ice. Reno stood her up like a punching dummy.

"Hey, Elena, watch," said the young Turk, grinning. He slapped Scarlett's face repeatedly, standing just out of her shorter arm's reach so she couldn't slap him back. Left cheek, right cheek, left cheek…

"Stop!! Stop!!!" Scarlett screamed. "I'll get you for this!!"

Elena, Rufus, and Reno walked off leaving Scarlett stuck there like a chess piece. When they got back, Rude was giggling drunkenly.

"Reno, look…" he slurred. "I wrote my name in the snow…"

Reno looked at Rude's handiwork. "In yellow ink…how nice, Rude," he played. "Hey come here. I want you to test something out for me."

Rude followed helplessly. Reno brought him to the place where the chain link fence started.

"Rude, I dare you to stick your tongue on that pole."

Rude stuck his tongue out and leaned in towards the first pole holding the fence up. "Uuuuu… Uh, no, Reno," he withdrew, some reason still in his head.

"Hmm…sounds like you haven't had enough Chernobyl Pops. Come on, Rude! I dared you! Are you gonna be a wuss about this? The pole can't hurt you! It's an inanimate object."

"Uuuuu…" Rude stuck his tongue out again and leaned toward the pole, but subconsciously, he held back and would not commit. He leaned back a bit, hesitant. He brought his tongue back into his mouth for warmth briefly then stuck it back out and inched towards the pole again.

Reno folded his arms impatiently. He wasn't gonna let Rude get away. Since the guy was taking entirely too long, Reno sped things up by smacking Rude hard in the back of the head with his palm. The force pushed Rude's face towards the pole, getting his tongue stuck to the cold metal as was his intent all along.

"Aaaaaa!!! Uuuuuugh!!!" Rude cried over and over.

"Oh, calm down, Rude! It's not like you ever talk or anything." Reno walked away.

Tseng was waiting for him with folded arms and a stern gaze. "You're well on your way of earning another week from hell," he said plainly.

"I can take it, Tseng. The question is…can you?" he winked suggestively.

Rufus crept up behind Elena with a hand full of snow. In one swift move, he pulled the back of her jacket and dumped the snow down her back.

Elena squealed, and Rufus ran off. "You BRAT!!!" she screamed, scooping a handful of snow and hurling it ineffectively. "Do that again and I'm gonna stick your dick on the pole next to Rude's tongue!!"

"That's not a snowball, Elena," said Reno in reference to the wad of pixie dust she'd tried to throw. "This…now this is a snowball!" He handed her a round, solid mass.

"What is this, Reno? A cue ball!?"

"No need to insult Rude twice in one day, Elena. It's a snowball…dunked in water."

"An ice ball…" Elena said with mild reprimand.

"Well, yeah… Watch." He took it from her and hurled it like a baseball pitcher in Tseng's direction.

Tseng flinched last minute and the ice ball struck his shoulder without shattering. "RENO!!!" He picked the unbroken ice ball up and hurled it back at him.

Reno dodged the ball, and it continued on and got stuck in the side of the Snow Mog's head that Reeve was building.

"Hey, watch it guys!" he yelled.

Reno strolled up to Reeve and his snow creation. "Um…Reeve. That is the most predictable, and cliché thing that anyone can do in the snow! Well, aside from writing their name in piss and all…" He turned around, and Elena was lying on the ground making a snow angel impression while Tseng watched. "Oh, man…where will the insanity end…!?" Reno staggered off for a Rum Pop.

Elena sat up and carefully climbed out of her snow angel impression without wrecking it. She and Tseng were alerted to the only present sound. It was Rude in his present distress.

"Think we should get Rude's tongue off that pole before it gets frost-bitten?" she asked the boss.

"I'm not going any where near that pole or Reno'll sneak up on me and push my tongue onto it as well."

Elena pulled a gun out from inside her jacket. "Don't worry. I'll cover you."

"Elena, we don't need to use weapons against our Turk brothers."

"Well, I can't exactly give him a swift kick in the nuts. He's too fast for me. Besides, you know he wears a cup every where he goes."

"No, I didn't know that, but I'll keep it in mind."

In the distance, they heard Reno yell, "That fucking idiot!!"

Tseng and Elena turned in time to see another cloud of snow trailing the Radio Flyer down the valley's wall with Rufus on board for the kill. The sled was heading right for Reno, who side-stepped and reached out a long arm to grab the back of Rufus' coat. Rufus was successfully yanked off the sled. The sled continued on across the lake and plowed into the block of ice encasing Scarlett's lower body, shattering it and thus freeing her.

"Look what you did, you Brat!!" Reno held the collar of Rufus' jacket in one fist with the other fist cocked back for the punch.

"Reno, that's the Vice President!!" Tseng yelled, running towards them. "Don't you dare!!"

Reno paused in indecision. Meanwhile, Rufus scooped a handful of loose snow and threw it in Reno's face, the ice crystals stinging the Turk's eyes, forcing him to withdraw.

"Kyaa, haa, haa, haa!! Free at last!!" Scarlett tried to dance, but her legs were numb from the cold. She fell over and right back into the same hole in the ice that she and Heidegger had fallen into earlier. "Get me out of here!!! I swear I'll drink the entire lake if I have to!!"

Rufus shrugged. "Fine, let her. Might make an interesting color scheme to have mountains capped with yellow snow." He went to retrieve his sled for more mischief.

"Let's go inside the cabin and warm up, Elena," said Tseng, wearily shaking his head. "This is getting nuts."

They started to walk towards the cabin, but Elena stopped. "But, what about Rude?"

"Oh, yeah…" Tseng turned around. "Actually, why didn't I think of this sooner…" He unleashed the low-level spell from his Fire materia and directed it at Rude. The momentary warmth was enough to unstick Rude's tongue from the steel pole.

Rude sat in the snow for a bit, stupefied. He then laughed drunkenly and got to his feet, looking closely at the pole. A little more drunken laughter, and he experimented by sticking his tongue on the pole again, daring it to do the same thing to him twice.

"Uuuuu…. Uuuuuuu….! Aaaaaaaa!!!"

Tseng waved him off. "I give up."

While Tseng and Elena were inside enjoying hot drinks, Reeve was adding smaller moggles to his family of snow creations. He was just about done and ready to go inside himself when Rufus came zipping down the valley wall again on his sled and plowed into all the little moggles. When he collided into the large snow mog, it didn't give way like the littler ones did. Rufus ended up splattered into the side of the snow mog, his body impressed into it.

"Rufus!! It took me an hour to make all those!!" Reeve yelled at the groggy V.P.

Rufus fell backwards out of the side of the snow mog and lay dazed on the ground. Reeve was fuming, but he was naturally compassionate enough to help Rufus sit up and make sure he was okay.

Rufus shook his head to clear his disorientation. He looked up at the big Rufus-print in the side of the giant mog. "Darn," he said. "I'll have to try again. Maybe if I start from higher up…"

"Rufus!!" Reeve sort of growled. "What is the matter with you today!?" he shook the young man by the shoulders, but Rufus just slumped, and Reeve had to hold him up. "Poor boy…" Reeve said, lifting Rufus up and carrying him up to the cabin, leaving the Radio Flyer stuck in the side of the big mog.

On the way, Reeve looked to his left and saw Rude in distress, making all sorts of unintelligible noises. He picked up his pace and more or less dumped Rufus onto a couch inside the cabin.

"What's this all about!?" asked Elena as Reeve was fleeing.

"I'll tell you in a minute!" Reeve said, zipping out the door with his thermos of coffee.

Tseng and Elena just exchanged looks, probably both wondering how many Chernobyl Pops Reeve had had.

Reeve went to Rude next. He couldn't use materia himself, but if only Cait Sith were here… So instead, he used the hot coffee, pouring it onto Rude's tongue to break the cold bond that was sticking it to the metal.

As Rude was freed, Reno descended upon them. "Hey!!"

"Go to the cabin, Rude, and sober up," said Reeve.

Reno let the bald man go, but he glared at Reeve for interfering. "I should have known," said Reno. "Your father must have been a Saint Bernard!"

"Remember that the next time you need rescuing."

Reno followed Reeve. With everyone moving inside the cabin for the time, he was running short on victims.

"I'm surprised you haven't tried to rescue Scarlett and Heidegger yet," Elena said to Reeve inside.

"I had half a mind to, but they're not exactly worth risking my life for."

"Technically, Heidegger is our superior," said Tseng. "He might not take kindly to our neglecting to help him out."

"He's so fucking drunk right now, he'll never remember!" said Reno.

"Besides," said Rufus, "perhaps I've ordered you not to help him out."

"Still…" Tseng said. "I think those two have had enough, and perhaps we should do something."

"You kidding?" Reno jumped in. "All our strength combined couldn't pull Heidegger's mass out of there, water or no water. What if we all fell in, too? Then who'd rescue us?"

"Good point," Rufus grinned.

"Come on. We can use materia." Tseng put his coat on and was the first one out the door.

"Hmm…Tseng's not drunk enough yet," Reno decided, but followed anyway.

Tseng got as close as he could get to the hole in the ice without getting past areas that his boots wouldn't grip the snow on top of the frozen surface. Heidegger was floating with Scarlett's body draped across his belly. He was looking more bloated than usual.

"Hang on. I'll get you guys out." He fiddled with the materia he had in indecision, wondering what the right combo might be to make it work. He could refreeze the surface with Ice, or he could melt a path to shallower water with Fire.

Reno laughed. "Hey, Heidegger! How does someone as fat as you float instead of sink to the bottom like a rock!?"

"Because…" the fat man's bass voice rumbled. "I'm holding in all my farts!"

Reno laughed hysterically.

"No, I'm not kidding!" Heidegger continued. "In fact, I don't think I can hold them in much longer."

Reno stopped laughing, and he and Tseng took a step back.

"Abandon oasis!!" Reno screamed running ashore. Tseng trailed behind, a lot more careful on the snow-covered ice.

Everyone exited the cabin to Reno's screaming. "What's going on?" Reeve asked.

"Heidegger's gonna blow!! And we all know what that means!!" Reno screamed, yanking Rufus' Radio Flyer out of the snow mog's side.

"Wait for me!" Rufus cried, jumping onto the sled before Reno could.

Rude fetched the toboggan and he, Elena, Reeve, and Tseng piled onto it.

A thunderous rumble echoed through the valley as the cold lake seemed to boil with massive air bubbles from the only possible source. Heidegger's tremendous fart rattled the mountains and caused a sizable avalanche.

The sledders rode down the mountain, exiting the lake area by the one side not surrounded by rocky peaks as the avalanche seemed to want to advance on them.

Reno and Rufus laid pancaked together on their stomachs on the sled. Rufus was sandwiched between the sled and Reno, trying to steer around trees as they made their escape.

"You know what!?" Rufus yelled over the thundering avalanche and all the other sounds of their speed bumping down the slope. "These mountains are only snow-capped! Eventually, we're gonna hit the part that's all rocks and no snow!"

"Maybe by then the avalanche will be upon us and lay out a carpet of snow for us down to the ground."

"Yeah…a red carpet, with our blood! Either way, we're gonna get clobbered by kilos of snow or grated across jagged rocks. Given the option, I'll take the snow!"

"Great!" said Reno, looking behind them. "'Cause here it comes!"

A tsunami of snow washed over the six escapees and swallowed them up. The snow thundered down to the foothills and thinned out its rampage. The Turks and company stood up one by one, looking up at just how far they'd traveled in such a short time.

"Good thing I didn't use the Fire materia," said Tseng. "I'll bet the peak is very volatile right now."

"I'm beginning to think that Mako isn't the reason Midgar's so polluted," said Elena. "I'll bet all the smog comes from Heidegger's ass."

Rufus looked around and only counted 5 survivors. "Where's Reno?"

The others looked around, too, and didn't see the red-haired wonder.

"Stupid runt… I'll kill him if he's dead!" Rufus started digging in the waist-high snow.

"Ugh…hi'ya, Boss…" Reno said meekly from up in the branches of what was incidentally the only tree in the remote area.

"Reno! You're alive!" said Rufus. "I'm gonna kill you!!"

"All right, all right…" Reeve pushed the V.P. aside. "Can you get down?"

"Sure. As long as someone catches me."

Reeve held his arms open, ready to catch Reno as he jumped down. As Reno let himself drop out of the tree, Reeve realized that he wasn't going to be able to catch the crazy Turk. Instead, Reno crashed down on top of Rufus. Tseng roughly pulled Reno off the V.P.

"Ow, Tseng! Easy!! How do you know I haven't broken my leg or something!?"

"Because, you've had so many titanium rods put in from previous fractures that your bones are probably impossible to break."

"One rod, Tseng! One rod! Hey…come on! Let me go!!"

Tseng dragged him off for a hellish reprimand while they waited for their transportation to come retrieve them.

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THE END