Turks Party 25 - Pajama Party
By: Zeng Li

It was the night of a rather juvenile-themed Turk party. That, combined with Reno's insistence on embarrassing me at every chance he got, made me very leery about attending this one. Elena prepared all week for it, this 'pajama party' that Reno decided to throw. I really didn't want to sleep over at Reno's never mind have a rather girly, childish theme to go along with it. But, Elena and Reeve together persuaded me to go.

Since we typically leave work and go straight to Reno's for the usual Friday night party, I had to bring my bag full of the things I'd need for the evening, and over night. He was having a sleep-over pajama party. Given the usual conditions of the pig pen Reno calls his apartment, I made sure to bring my own pillow, my own tooth paste, and a 16 ounce bottle of disinfectant. And my pajamas. Oh, and my plushie.

I fear to know what the wandering employees thought when they saw me, the Turks' senior officer, carrying a stuffed animal through the office to the parking garage. Reno's requirement was this: you had to bring a stuffed animal to the party; one that you treasured as a kid.

Getting booted out of my native land as a teenager, I didn't bring such sentiments along. So, the only plush toy I had was a stuffed thing that Elena called a Puff-a-Lump, which she had given me when I was in the hospital recovering from a work-related injury. Luckily I don't get hurt often. Poor Reno's been showered by her 'hospital gifts' so often, I'm beginning to think he's gotten a lot more careful these days.

I took Reeve in my car as usual. Wanting desperately to share the humiliation, I asked him what plushie he brought.

"Cait Sith!" he popped the thing out of his duffel bag and held it next to his cheek, grinning like a dope.

"Should'a known..." I grumbled and looked back out at the road ahead. I think he names everything Cait Sith.

I did my best not to talk to him for the rest of the ride to Reno's, which wasn't too hard considering he was talking to this Cait Sith most the way, reliving his childhood, I guess. On the other hand, he seems to always be living his childhood, even though it's forty years later.

Reno confiscated our plushies at the door, which was quite a relief meaning I didn't have to be seen carrying it any more. I think he hijacked a beer truck or something, for his kitchen was wall-to-wall cases of beer. I got a bad feeling right there, all the more determined to stay as sober as possible for as long as possible.

"This is a pajama party, Tseng," I heard the host call to me. "You're supposed to be wearing your pajamas."

"Bad enough I had to carry that Puff-a-Lump around, did you really expect me to wear my PJ's in the office, too?"

"Well, c'mon, then! Get changed!"

I tried to brush past Reno to get to the stairs to the second floor. He was reluctant to let me past, apparently thinking I was okay with changing my clothes right there on the spot. I guess he knew better and eventually let me pass.

Going up the stairs, I ran into Nathan, who was coming back down. He was wearing a T shirt and Dr. Who boxers. I can only guess that the Dr. Who theme had something to do with his crazy life living with Cyrus and having periodic run-ins with some female named Jazel.

I had my robe with me, which I wore over a pair of boxers. At the least, it would offer some sort of shielding between Reno and my boxers, which I wouldn't put it beyond him to try to pull down. I'm getting wise to his traps.

I felt some déjà vu, but truthfully had actually expected to see the spectacle downstairs when I returned. Reno was naked, sprawled out on the sofa in all his glory. It went without saying: if Reno wasn't sleeping in his Turks uniform, you can damn well bet he's sleeping in the nude.

Upon my arrival he, of course, paraded around the living room. "You know, I got this email the other day…" he said to everybody. "…advertising a penis enlargement. I'm thinking of getting one."

"Pff… Anything's an improvement," Elena said dryly.

"Yeah," Rufus added. "Twice nothing's still nothing."

Reno chased the VP up the stairs. There was crashing, thumping, and other assorted noises for a while, I began to wonder what the two of them were really up to. Things quieted down and Reno emerged in the living room with Rufus in a headlock.

"Ow! Stop! I wasn't the only one who made a witty remark!!" Rufus wailed.

Reno was rapping his knuckles against the brat's skull, leading him into the kitchen. Rufus clawed his nails into Reno's bare shoulder, leaving a few bloody crescent shaped marks. Reno shoved Rufus' head into the garbage can and walked away. Rufus turned and hurled a scavenged apple core at Reno. His aim was off, and the rotty core splat against the wall.

The TV was tuned to some digital cable channel, but the volume was turned a bit low. I think it was showing Rainbow Brite Extreme on some station calling itself Cartoon Network X. It was so nice to see Rainbow Brite mustering up a ton of chi in order to telekinetically power-slam her arch rival into the ground. I was tempted to watch, but I didn't dare let Elena see, lest she think she and I had something in common. About the only thing we had in common was despising Heidegger and being victims upon which Reno would occasionally prey.

Oh, speaking of Heidegger... He and Scarlett picked the worst of all nights to show up uninvited. Luckily Reno saw them enter before they saw him. He snatched Elena's fanny pack and belted it around his waist, covering himself in just the right place.

"What are you two doing here!?" he demanded, hiding some of his true anger.

"Gyaa haa haa..." Heidegger bellowed. "We're here for the pajama party, of course!"

"Kyaa haa haa..." Scarlett shoved a filthy, grimey teddy bear and a crude white doll with long black hair into Reno's hand. "Here are our plushies. Now, step aside. We just came for the sex..."

I felt ready to puke, and I didn't even have a hangover yet. Scarlett in her flimsy nightie and Heidegger in his white and blue pinstriped PJ's with floppy hat walked up the stairs to the guest room. I swore that the next morning, I'd have the room quarantined, detoxified, and possibly even burned if that's what it took to purify it once again.

Reno held the teddy bear at arms length. Actual dirt was still running off of its matted down and clumpy 'fur'. No wonder Heidegger treasured it...it was just like him!

Scarlett, on the other hand, had brought the crude doll. My guess was that she'd spent the entire working day making it. It consisted of apparently 2 pieces of white fabric shaped like gingerbread men, sewn together and stuffed with paper from the shredder.

As Reno took a look at the crudely manufactured doll, we both noticed that at once point it must've had a penis...which had apparently been snipped off with scissors. As if that part of her sick sense of humor wasn't enough...upon closer examination, the magic marker face had slanted eyes and a black dot on its forehead. Combined with the long, straight black hair (which I fear to know where she got it from), I quickly figured out that this voodoo doll was of me.

"Is that what she does in her spare time?" I asked.

"I don't know..." said Reno. "But it even sickens me!" He walked to the kitchen and deposited both dolls into his space-saver incinerator. The smoke from the cremated dolls blew out an exhaust vent outside the apartment, adding a few more pollutants to the Midgar air.

Nathan was sitting in the living room drinking lemonade. I have no idea where he gets his alternative drinks from, but I'd like to find out. He was a little captivated in front of Cartoon Network X, as the current show on was all about little creatures called Smurfs. I hope he didn't think it was a documentary explaining where blue-obsessed people such as Cyrus come from.

Reno came back into the room, completely naked once more. "Okay, everyone! Time for me to hide your little treasured plushies, so no peeking!"

He just stared at us as we stared back, not fully knowing what to do with ourselves.

"Come on...!" Reno yanked Nathan out of his seat and escorted him to the front door and shoved him outside.

"Reno!" Nathan whined, but the punk shoved the remainder of us outside and slammed the door.

Seemed like forever we were standing outside, all of us in our pajamas. We sort of looked around at each other, for once taking note of what we were all wearing.

Rude had on sweatpants and a T shirt as usual, Elena was in her nightie, Reeve had on a preppy 2-piece matching set of pants and button-up shirt... Somehow I didn't take note of Rufus until someone looking out the window of a nearby unit whistled at him.

We all looked up. It was a guy, and when Rufus also turned to face the origin of the sound, we realized what the jester above was busting on him for. Rufus was wearing an adult size of a red, rather juvenile one-piece floppy pajama, which had the infamous trapdoor in the back...which unfortunately was open...and his butt cheeks were visible.

Rufus grinned, waved, and bowed in a show that would've made Reno envious. As if that wasn't bad enough, as he was doing that, a blue car drove by in the parking lot. I had already snapped into Turk / bodyguard mode, but Rufus was living it up, out-doing Reno's spunkiest behind his back. Rufus bent over and wiggled his bare butt at the passing car.

Tires squealed, and the car accelerated out of the parking lot at break-neck speed, its fenders and bumpers tapping other parked cars along the way, leaving a wake of future insurance claims as it sped off.

I was about to reprimand the drunk Vice President when Nathan jumped in and did it for me.

"Rufus!! You just mooned Cyrus!!"

We all just laughed, especially me, because it was only fitting that Cyrus should get a life. As we were laughing, Reno called us back in, a scorn on his face since he'd apparently been left out of all the fun. It was truly a case of "you had to be there..."

As we walked back into Reno's flat, all the lights were out. Well, the good that came out of that was the fact we couldn't see his naked body in the darkness.

"Well, now you're wondering why I asked you all to bring stuffed animals," he greeted us in the foyer.

"What did you do to Kupo Mog!?" Elena snapped unexpectedly in a panic. I guess she lunged in the direction of Reno and hit Rufus instead.

"Ow! Hey! If you want a piece of me, you can do it later!" said Rufus. That was followed by a loud slap, and I know it didn't come from Scarlett.

"Your job," Reno continued to everyone, "is to grope around in the dark and find one plushie, no matter whose it is. When you found one, meet back in the foyer."

"Grope with care," I suggested. "God knows what other surprises Reno's planted as well."

"It's all part of the fun," he replied. That worried me because he didn't deny anything.

"Go," he said. "The lights stay out until everyone returns. Oh, and don't bother checking the guest room...I didn't hide any in there. No one needs to be subjected to...that!"

Maybe Reno forgot we were Turks. We're highly trained in many environments, including in the dark. Of course, most everyone else was too drunk to remember that. My ears tuned into Reno and tracked the sound of his subtle movements. Where ever he went, I'd go the other way.

His apartment was 2 floors and not gigantic, but there were still lots of good places to hide plushies. I felt my way around the downstairs, being far more familiar with the lower level than the bedroom level. The two beers I'd had made me lose track of Reno. It didn't matter. He was too drunk to keep track of me.

I located Reeve's jacket, and there was a mouse trap underneath. Not a very big one, but my yelp echoed throughout the whole place. Prying my bruised fingers out from under it, I moved along furniture and eventually came to the pool table. I stood up and felt the fabric on the surface, but my fingers detected something that shouldn't have been there. Could it be...? 'Cause if it was I'd just be happy that I found one without incident. Must I say I already heard a crashing sound in the kitchen as someone obviously knocked something over.

My hand gripped something warm and cylindrical. Definitely not that stupid Puff-a-Lump... But then I heard stifled laughter right in front of me. It was Reno.

"Why, Tseng..." he said loud enough for those on the second floor to hear. "Taking advantage of the dark to show your real affection for me? Mmmm...yeah, baby..."

I quickly realized that the thing my hand was holding was very attached to Reno's person. I let go quickly and threw a punch, hitting him square in the face. Luckily with the lights out, no one could see that I had indeed...had my hand somewhere it shouldn't have been. But that's my little secret.

Reno abandoned the pool table quickly, swearing and muttering, but he'd left behind a plushie. It wasn't mine, but at least I didn't have to grope around any more and fall into more of his traps. I sat in the corner of the foyer with my back to the front door. I felt safe there. A few others returned too. From the sound of their breathing, I could tell that one was Reeve and the other was Rude.

There was still noise going on upstairs. I heard the guestroom door open and heavy footsteps thud out into the hall.

"We need more Vodka!" a female screeched, and I knew it wasn't Elena.

"Hey, who turned the lights out!" Heidegger grumbled, flicking the hall light on.

We were temporarily blinded by the brightness.

"Do you mind!" Reno yelled, hurrying to the scene. "We're trying to play a game here! Besides, I don't remember inviting you to my party!"

"Gyah, haa, haa... Doesn't your skinny ass remember who the Turks report to?" Heidegger's voice boomed threateningly. I blinked and squinted to see in the light.

"Kyaa, haa, haa... Skinny ass and skinny wee-wee..." Scarlett laughed. I saw her grab hold of Reno's...well, you know... I was about to spring to my feet and intervene, but Reno was sober (or drunk) enough to retaliate. He thrust his hands at Scarlett, removed himself from her grip, and lifted her for the throw.

Reflexively, I stood up and opened the front door quicker than lightning. Soon, the hurled body of Scarlett sailed out the open door and tumbled into the parking lot. An on-coming car swerved to avoid her, skid and banged into the rear quarter panel of Nathan's car.

"Scarlett, honey!! Don't go getting that Vodka without me!!" Heidegger thundered down the stairs and out the door after her. I pressed my back against the wall until he was clear then slammed the door shut behind him.

I turned and saw Reno gazing back at me as he flipped the hall light out.

"I'm sorry, Reno..." I said, kind of regarding to how Scarlett was able to grab hold of him like that, but I'm sure he took it as being in response to the large welt that had formed under his left eye from the blow I'd dealt him.

I guess the brief spell of lighting afforded the others a chance to look around because it wasn't long until almost everyone returned with at least one stuffed animal. Rufus was still unaccounted for.

We could hear him upstairs. "I found one!" he announced, returning to the top of the stairs. I couldn't wait to get this over with.

But then there was a scream and a thud and the sound of not one, but two drunk bodies falling down the stairs. Reeve flipped the light switch on, and we all gazed at the sight of Reno and Rufus piled on top of one another at the foot of the steps. Reno pushed himself up on his hands and knees, dumping Rufus off his back.

"Why you...!" Reno growled, lifting the young Vice President up by the back of the pajamas. His long arm pushed against the back of Rufus' neck, forcing the boy to bend over. Reno delivered a fair spank to Rufus' bare butt still sticking out of the opened trap door.

"Ooh, why, Reno..." Rufus said seductively. "You really know how to turn me on..."

Reno could dish it out on me but couldn't take it from the cocky VP. He righted Rufus and shoved him towards the couch. "Shut up and get over there! You made me bleed, you idiot!"

"Oh, really? You whine about that yet swore you'd take a bullet for me as a Turk and bodyguard? Hmm...maybe I'll have to have Heidegger replace you if you're not willing to make a few sacrifices."

It was kind of too late for Rufus. We knew which plushie he had because he'd dropped it at the base of the stairs. Everyone else's was concealed in the blankets they were found in.

Reno continued blotting blood off his knee while directing us to the next phase of his PJ party game. "All right..." he said. "Now I want you guys to try to figure out who has your plushie. When you ask someone, that person has to ask you to do something in order to get it back. You have to prove how much they mean to you by doing the request. Even if you do what's asked of you, they may not have your plushie, so you have to keep guessing until you figure it out. We'll start with Rufus because we all know he's got Rude's Buggy-Boo ladybug. Rufus, what do you want Rude to do to get it back? And no dares that involve doing anything to my wee-wee... It's been handled enough already this evening."

He was looking right at me when he said that, and I think I may have blushed.

I guess Rufus didn't want to be spanked again that badly, especially not by Rude. The young VP just grinned and made a request that I honestly didn't think Rude would do.

"Okay. If you want your Buggy-Boo back, you'll have to take off your sunglasses."

There was a silent pause as Rude ran the request through the gears in his head. For a moment, I didn't think he'd do it. Oddly enough, though, he did!

Now, I've been a Turk longer than him, and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen his eyes. He lowered his head, took the shades off, then raised his head and looked Rufus right in the eye. The hazel eyes that gazed into Rufus' were not fitting of him. Too clear and gentle looking. It's no wonder he always kept them shielded from the world or no one would feel threatened by the man.

Rufus tensed up, suddenly more afraid of the unshrouded eyes than anything. He quickly handed Buggy-Boo over, and Rude put his glasses back on, still staring back at the VP.

I think we were all freaked in that instance.

I went next, mostly to get it over with. I chose to ask the most harmless guy there: Nathan. There was no way in hell that the semi-shy little twerp would ask me to do anything embarrassing. He was probably the only one present who also legitimately feared me.

I misjudged him. He asked me to sing "I'm a Little Teapot", complete with the corresponding dance. Suddenly, licking Reno's balls sounded a lot more appealing. So, off I went, making the biggest fool out of myself I think I ever had. I mentally screamed in my thoughts half the time just to get through it all. It was not even worth the applause I got afterwards.

Nathan grinned. "Nice show, Tseng, but I don't have your stuffed animal."

"Damn!" I buried my face in my hands, forgetting for the moment that I had his toy bunny.

"Okay, brat. Your turn," Reno said. It was amusing because both Elena and Rufus snapped to attention. Reno was looking at the VP, though.

"Reeve… Do you have my Deanna?"

"Deanna?" Reeve was thrown off in wonder. "Is that what you call this thing?"

"Ah! So you do have it?"

Reeve grinned, but it didn't matter. "Yeah, well, if you want it back, you'll have to go kiss and make up with Reno."

I never saw Reno look so horrified in his life. Rufus made a show out of running to Reno with open arms, and the naked Turk did everything he could to scramble away, but he was perched oddly on the back of the loveseat. He dumped himself off the sofa and to his hands and knees on the floor, but Rufus caught up to him and plowed him over. Everyone craned their necks to see what was happening.

Rufus had Reno's back pinned against the floor and was trying to kiss his face. Reno had his legs crossed to protect himself from the flailing brat on top of him, pushing his palms into Rufus' face to avoid getting kissed. It was at this point that I wondered about poor Rufus.

Reno got up with a few more bruises, his hair ruffled beyond the usual mess that it was.

"That went over well," Reeve said to me. I think these insane parties are beginning to corrupt our innocent friend here.

As luck would have it, Reno called on Elena to pick next. I half expected her to ask me, but she asked Rude instead. I found out later that Elena had taken the opportunity to peek under a few blankets to see who had her plushie while we were watching Rufus go at it with Reno. I guess you can never trust a Turk.

Rude's cheeks flushed. He looked around nervously behind the protection of his dark glasses. I think words got caught up in his throat. He pulled the blanket off Elena's plushie and bashfully handed it to her. "Y--you don't have to d--do anything, Elena."

Elena cuddled her precious little Kupo Mog, and I was just glad to get that over with.

Well, at least process of elimination was gonna be in my favor.

Nathan went next. His choice was narrowed down to either me or Elena. I guess he felt safer asking Elena because he fears me even though most of my anger gets directed at his friend, Cyrus, who wrecked my car on more than one occasion.

"If you want your Heeney Weenie back…" Elena thought about it, and I could pretty much see the devil horns sprout out of her head. "…you'll have to put on some of my make up."

Rufus beamed in delight, but I think he was just jealous. Nathan shot Elena a look as if reprimanding her for betrayal. "I'll only do it because it's Cyrus' bunny, and he'd rip my head off if I didn't bring it back." Elena had to put the makeup on for him. She generously applied lipstick, rouge, and eye shadow. For once I wished that Cyrus would come in right about "now."

Elena smiled expansively at the finished product. "You look cute, Nathan, but I don't have your bunny."

It was right there that we all found out just how loud Nathan could scream.

"Then that means Elena has my critter," I said, refusing to say the childish word, "Puff-a-Lump".

"Yeah, but what are you gonna do to get him back?" she taunted me, holding the Puff-a-Lump up. I hate to tell her, but she could keep the damn thing for all I cared. But, I didn't hurt her feelings when she gave it to me in the hospital, and I couldn't hurt them now. "I know. You can kiss me..."

So, if only to reaffirm my heterosexuality to everyone, especially Reno, I kissed her. Passionately. I think that came from the fact that I was on my third beer. I left her stunned and speechless.

The whole evening was turning out a lot like the time we played spin the bottle, except for Nathan who was reliving the Drag-Queen Trivial Pursuit game.

So, Reeve figured out that Nathan had his Cait Sith, and Nathan knew that I had Cyrus' bunny. (I think Cyrus should've come to get his own dumb bunny back. Boy would I have had fun with that! Only you can't make Cyrus do anything he doesn't want to. I'm not afraid of much, but I privately think that Cyrus is one person who does scare me.)

In order to get Cait Sith back, Reeve had to go jump into the swimming pool fully clothed. The water temperature was only about 55, and I half expected Reeve to be singing soprano for the next week, but he did it. He also tracked a lot of water inside, but come to think of it, Reno's carpet really needed a bath.

So, it was down to the last plushie. Much as I wanted to crack an evil smirk to terrorize Nathan (and get revenge for the "I'm a Little Teapot" stunt…), I didn't. Perhaps my hard, cold features sent a sufficient chill up his spine.

"Allright, Nathan," I said. "I'll go easy on you. If you want Cyrus' precious bunny back, thus probably saving your life, all I ask is that you shave your head."

"What!?" Nathan's face flushed.

Reno grinned like a hyena. "Yeah, Nathan. It ain't that bad. Rude, here's, been bald since he was born!"

Rude ran a hand over his hairless dome. "I wish you guys would stop using the 'b' word…"

"Shut up, Rude! You're supposed to like it…" Reno kicked him.

I started getting a bad feeling that someday even more heinous revenge would come my way. I couldn't back out now. The leader of the Turks is not a softie. Reno leapt over the back of the sofa like a Cupid and ran upstairs, taking two steps at a time. The horrified look on Nathan's face spoke the realization that he had only a few seconds to decide.

I still held Heeney Weenie, Cyrus' toy bunny. He could either run away now without the bunny and face Cyrus' wrath, or he can sit down, shut up, and have his head shaved like a man.

Reno leapt down the stairs as fast as he'd gone up, scissors and electric razor in hand.

"Hey, Reno…" I started to say.

Reno pounced on Nathan, and Rude flung himself onto the scene, holding Nathan down. Little Nathan screamed and writhed as Reno started the razor buzzing. Elena and Rufus gathered around, grinning like hungry vultures. Nathan was no match for a Turk never mind two or three.

I looked over at Reeve. He looked back as though he understood my sympathy for the outsider. I reached over and grabbed the pillow I'd brought for the sleep over, and tossed an extra one over to Reeve. We got up together and clubbed Reno as hard as we could with the pillows, sending him crashing down on top of Nathan. The razor slid across the floor out of reach.

In the melee, Nathan pushed his way free. As I could tell he was about to run out of the apartment, I pushed my body into his, secretly giving him the stuffed bunny like a quarterback slipping a pass to another runner. Shortly afterwards, I was pelted by a pillow hurled at me by Rude.

Before long, pillows were flying all around the downstairs living room. Bowls of snacks were being whacked off tables, the entertainment center took a few blows. Bodies and pillows lashed out at anyone and anything they could reach. My usually immaculate hair was knocked all out of place, but it didn't matter any more.

A few stray beer bottles crashed to the floor. One of the stereo's speakers was knocked over.

I primarily targeted Reno, but was forced to whack Elena, Rude, and even Rufus. I didn't want to hit Reeve, but he hit me first. The 'boof' of pillows surrounded us, and no one wanted to be the first to stop. When Elena slowed down as she grew tired, we ganged up against her to keep her in the fight.

None of us had problems sleeping that night. We'd worn ourselves out in the obnoxious pillow fight.

Everyone woke up to tousled hair and a living room resembling ground zero of a bombing run. We didn't even realize when we laid down to sleep that we were sleeping among bits of chips and pretzels that had gotten scattered on the floor as snack bowls overturned. Everyone was at least mildly sore, but the ordeal did give me the idea to incorporate free-for-all pillow fights into the Turks training and fitness plan.

We left it up to Reno to clean up (as usual). Though Reeve and I started the pillow fight, it was technically all Reno's fault as he was the one who got out of control first and had to be brought down.

Good night, all . . .

This Turk Party theme was based on a suggestion provided by Htress.

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2002. Last edited 10/10/2004.
Comments welcome: Zeng Li