Turks Party 12 – Reno’s Surprise Party
By: Zeng Li

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This fic has been modified from its original version to now include additional Turks characters as found in FF7: Before Crisis. The names Damon, Rodney, Rafe, Kira, Samantha, Lené, Adrian, Sonja, and Veld are names for some of the ‘Before Crisis’ Turks and may appear in this and other fics written by me.

= = = =

"What do you mean, Reno's throwing a surprise birthday party?" asked Tseng, as if it were odd or something.

"Yeah," replied Elena.

"For himself!?"

Elena just shrugged. "He says no one else is willing to throw him a surprise party, so he’s forced to do it himself. And we all know how Reno can be about doing things himself when he’s got no one else around…"

"Yeah, I try not to think about that. Well, being as you're a Rookie and weren’t around for it," said Tseng, "we did throw a surprise birthday party for Reno…exactly once! It was kind of over before it started. When he turned on the lights and we all yelled 'Surprise!', he pulled his EMR and hit Commander Veld in the stomach. He’s got good instincts and reaction speed, but under the circumstances, it was less than appreciated.”

Elena lightly giggled, overlooking just how potentially serious the situation could've been at the time. "How’d Veld take it?”

“Let’s just say not well, all right?”

“Well, won’t it at least be safer if Reno’s not going to be surprised by his own surprise party?"

"Yeah..." Tseng said, wringing his hands together. "Well, it's supposed to be a surprise party. Perhaps we should make sure that it is for him, like it or not."

"Uh-oh. Should we wear body armor vests?"

"No, no, Elena. Leave this one to me..."

= = = =

They had the president's villa in Coasta del Sol all to themselves. The back yard was large and completely fenced in, which was great for keeping drunk Turks in and the public out. Reno made a lot of preparations for his own party despite the others insisting that he chill out and enjoy his day.

"I'm the best at throwing parties around here," he had argued with them. “I’ve seen the other parties through the years that you guys tried to host. I mean, come on! You just eat food, listen to music, and talk to one another at the parties everyone else throws. At mine, there’s games, nudity, and occasional bodily harm!”

Those present when Reno said that could all feel the sting or ache of their most memorable Turk party injury come back and haunt them even if it had been long gone for years.

“This is the president’s villa, Reno!” Tseng was sure to remind him. “That means no puking on the carpet, no fireworks in the toilet, and no setting fire to the roof or walls.” On a second thought, he really needed to expand the list of things Reno wasn’t able to do, but with the moment upon them, he just didn’t have an extra week to lay out the ground rules, nor publish them in a hardcover book like they would probably need.

When the party was set to begin, Reno emerged onto the patio wearing his birthday suit in order to commemorate that day 24 years ago...

"Oh, no, Reno...!" the long-haired Kira scolded. She intercepted Reno as he stepped outside and tried to shove him back into the villa with the intent of dressing him herself if he refused to cooperate.

Reno batted her hands away. "What!? I'm not naked! I'm wearing my party hat! See?" he straightened the colorful cone-shaped paper hat on top of his head.

“Well you could at least wear it down there where it can cover up at least half of your lewdness!” Kira retorted, pointing but refusing to look down at what made Reno male.

"Uh...say, Reno," said Rodney, turning his head part way so to catch the naked Turk only by the corner of his eye. "How's about you just get straight to opening your presents. Maybe someone like Tseng bought you some clothes or something."

Elena shoved a rather flat box in front of Reno as if she’d been prompted to let her gift cut in line.

Reno sat down and reclined back on a lounge chair, allowing one leg to lazily drop over one side. Everyone made it a point to remember to steer clear of that chair for the rest of the night. Reno grabbed the tie around the box, wrestling with Elena's tight and meticulous application of the gift garnish. Finally, he got frustrated and went all out yanking, his fingers turning white from pulling against the stubborn ribbon.

"Oh, geezsh...." Elena took the gift from his hands and pulled on a little cord of ribbon hanging out from behind the bow in the center. The ribbon neatly loosened its grip around the package and fell off. She thrust the half-opened gift back to him.

Reno narrowed his eyes at her for a moment and tore open the paper. He opened the box underneath and found a new pair of birthday-party themed boxer shorts. "Oh, how nice of you, Elena..."

"Heh..." she coiled her arms up shyly. "I’m sure I don’t stand alone in wanting to see you try them on right now. You know…be sure they fit and all.”

"Yes. I'll keep that in mind." Reno defied her, keeping the garment in its box and placing it on the ground next to the lounge chair.

Elena scowled, picking the box back up. "What I meant was...for you to put them on now...!!" She removed the underwear from the box and dropped them into his lap, specifically covering up a certain exposed bodily feature.

"Oh, very well. I know how easily women's feelings get hurt." He made a show of putting them on, to the point everyone turned away until he was done. The little cartoonish birthday cakes with little candles in them was far less offensive to all. “But I’ll let you know, I do it under protest.”

Rodney was right there with another gift for the birthday Turk. The black tee-shirt inside the gift box from Rod had a comical, somewhat adult themed cartoon and saying on it. Reno was happy to put it on if only to remind everyone how obnoxious his sense of humor could be.

Reeve had gone the conservative, somewhat dull route and bought Reno a CD containing a different variety of party songs including the most obvious, "Party Weekend" by Joe King Carrasco. Tseng bought him a bottle of his favorite hard liquor from Wutai. Most the other gifts, however, ranged in the category of comical and even somewhat ‘adult’ items.

Rufus, the only non-Turk there aside from Reeve, had also put a lot of thought into getting the most suitable gift for the young punk. All the minutes he’d spent debating what to get someone who otherwise doesn’t need anything all culminated in the form of the only gift that seemed appropriate.

Reno tore open the paper and found a wooden plaque. Inscribed in it was a dedication to addressed to Reno of the Turks, designating his status as "Pouf of the Year".

"What is this!?" Reno gasped. "A Pouf of the Year Award!? Is it that you think I’m queer, or did your daddy get this for you and you just had your name changed to mine? You know I like women!"

Reeve stifled a laugh.

"Could've fooled me," said Rufus. "For someone who loves himself as much as you love yourself, I see no other alternative. Even if the man you love more than any woman is yourself, that’s still kind of queer. You gotta admit that. And that’s without having to go into any detail about what you do when you’re all alone in bed."

"Can someone shut him up!” Reno snapped. "Dammit, next year I’m inviting his old man to my party just so I can see the little runt get humiliated.”

“You’re gonna let the president see you sunning your wee-wee on the lawn of his villa, be my guest,” said Rufus. “Although it’s so small, maybe he won’t notice.”

Reno went to bolt at the VP, but Rude and Damon held him back. Reno tried to pull his shoulders out of their grasp. "Get off of me before I drag you into this mess too."

"Heh… Drag…" Rufus tortured the redhead a little longer, especially while the two strongest Turks restrained him. "Yaoi-boy…"

Tseng nudged Rufus in the ribs. “Stop. Both of you…or who knows if we’ll ever be allowed to use the president’s villa for stunts like this again.”

Reno let the issue slide. He looked back at the wooden plaque and did find it rather amusing even though he’d never verbalize it. "Hey..." the birthday Turk said. "My present to myself hasn't arrived yet."

Damon folded his arms and looked at his partner. "Oh? And what would that be?"

"A stripper of course!"

Everyone laughed. "Male or female?" Rafe asked suspiciously.

Reno stood up and pushed Rafe away from him. "I think you all know the answer to that."

Rufus snickered and muttered under his breath, "Of course we do…Yaoi-boy..."

"What did you say!?" Reno turned to him.

Rufus smiled deviously and looked past him, motioning very deliberately for a distraction. "Oh, look. Tseng's bringing the birthday cake out."

Elena took Reno by the hand and lead him to the table. "Come on! We have to sing 'Happy Birthday' to you..."

"Let's not and say we did..." grumbled Reno, taking his position seated in front of the towering mound of sugar and calories. "Hey...! Why is there only one candle on it? I thought I told you to put twenty-four! Did Elena read something on line recently about the more birthday candles someone blows out, the more little dots of spit land on the cake?"

"Uh..." Tseng covered, eyeing Rufus whose devious look almost stood out in the crowd. "With that shore breeze blowing in, we'll be lucky if the one stays lit. Just deal with it, okay?"

After they got done singing "Happy Birthday", Reno blew out the lone candle on the cake. Elena pulled the candle out of the cake and licked the glob of icing off the bottom of it.

"Ugh...the icing is bland," she said.

"Shhh..." said Rufus, taking up a position behind Reno. Elena looked at him sideways. "Happy birthday, yaoi-boy..." Rufus said teasingly. He placed his open hand on the back of Reno's head and pushed the birthday boy's face into the cake and held him down as long as he could.

It turned out that the cake was phony, upon Rufus’ special request. It was little more than a prop of mostly whipped cream staged for this very specific purpose. Reno lifted his head as soon as he could and wiped the cream away from his eyes in time to see Rufus run for his life.

"Why you....!!!" Reno took what was left of the pile of cream in hand and chased Rufus around the enclosed yard. Revenge was going to be sweet, if not bitter, as long as Reno had his way.

Tseng and the other gentlemen laughed. "There you go, Reno. A little payback from all of us for everything you've done at prior parties…mainly to me, but I’m sure there’s enough revenge in that for everyone." said Tseng, grinning for the first time probably all day.

"That was so mean!" whined Elena, apparently the only Turk present who hadn’t yet been sufficiently embarrassed at one of his parties.

Reeve laughed too. "This has turned out to be far more amusing than we originally expected."

They watched Reno corner Rufus’ back against the fence. The VP tried to bolt to one side, but Reno's long arms caught him in a head-lock, toppling them both to the ground. The Turk pressed a knee down into the younger man’s back to keep him down.

"No...!!" Rufus cried as Reno grabbed him by the hair with one hand and held the plate of cream under his nose for an agonizing few seconds. Once Rufus suffered enough, Reno pushed the cream into the VP’s face. Rufus clawed blindly to get the deranged Turk away from him, and Reno didn’t back down until he’d rubbed as much cream on the pesky VP's face and hair as he could.

Everyone back on the patio just laughed hysterically, enjoying the messy good show but also probably helping to fuel Reno's vengeance even more. Finally, after the VP had had enough, Reno used the bottom of Rufus' trench coat to wipe the bulk of the remaining cream off his own face then gave the boy's shoulder one last shove. He slicked his cream-infested red hair back as he returned to the patio, eyeing the crowd for any possible cohorts.

"Good one, Reno!" Rodney pat his friend’s back.

Reno ignored him and got right into Tseng's face. "This was your idea, wasn't it!?"

Tseng shrugged. "I guess I can't lie... Take it like a man, Reno.”

Reno shoved him aside and stormed into the house to clean up, a black cloud hovering over him all the while. He would remember Tseng’s words if only to use them against him one day when the tables were turned.

"Don't worry. The real cake is in the fridge, so no repeat performances on this one, okay…amusing as it would be," said Tseng, turning to go into the house and get it.

Samantha shuffled across the yard to the corner of the fence where Rufus was just getting up. She held his arm and helped him to his feet. "Mister Vice President, sir!?" She handed him a cloth handkerchief which wouldn’t be enough to finish the job.

Rufus wiped his face and laughed. "I guess it was worth it to piss him off like that. We probably won't get another opportunity in a long time."

Reno came back out of the villa with wet hair from a quick shower under the kitchen faucet. He returned to the patio dressed in cut-off jeans shorts and an unbuttoned flowery tropical shirt. Meanwhile, Elena and Samantha had gotten Rufus cleaned up a little and into the shower.

"Come on..." Tseng lead the birthday boy back to the table. "Here's the real birthday cake. No tricks this time, I promise."

Reno couldn't help but be on the guard, but all went well. The cake was delicious, all hand-made and decorated by Lené.

After having real cake, Reno started the party games. "Well, I thought about playing musical chairs today, but the boss kinda caught me trying to attach dildos to the middle of the seats," he said, briefly eyeing Tseng for spoiling his attempt at fun earlier in the day. "Man, that would have been so much fun…”

"Reno!! You’re sick!!" Elena yelled, punching a solid fist into his arm.

"Ow!!" Reno rubbed the point of contact. "Be a sport, Elena. Especially since the back-up party game is Pin the Prick on the Dick. ...Or was it Pin the Dick on the Prick. Whatever!"

"Uh, Reno..." Rude walked up to him. "Can we just forget the pin-the-thingy-on-the-stud game and do something else us heterosexual guys might enjoy?"

“Like what?” Reno asked as if there were to be no other alternative to his sick partying madness.

Lené sniggered. “Like, maybe we got another fake cake around here somewhere…”

Reno’s eyes narrowed. “Yeah, well if you happen to have one of those, why don’t you go attack Tseng with it! Heaven knows I’ve been trying for years to get his face all messy. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me. Meanwhile, how's about we break open the piñata Elena brought?”

"Sounds harmless enough," Tseng replied.

Elena looked at the bizarre way Reno had hung her piñata. "Reno! That's supposed to be a heart shaped piñata! Why did you hang it upside down?"

Reno ran the back of his fingers down her cheek, somewhat enticingly. "So...this way it looks more like your fanny, my dear..."

Elena's eyes widened, the red blood vessels in them enlarging. She cocked a fist back, but her older sister beat her to the punch. Lené struck him square in the jaw, too impatient to wait for her hesitating sister to do it first.

Reno staggered backwards, Rodney catching him by the shoulders while he recovered from the shock. Meanwhile, Elena went to the piñata and turned it right side up to its proper heart shape.

Reno rubbed his jaw and shook his head, stepping away from Rod. "Well, well, my dear lady with the temperament. Perhaps you would like to take some of your anger out by taking the first few whacks?" He handed Lené the wooden stick and immediately backed out of striking distance before the swipe he expected came swinging his way.

Rude came up behind her and wrapped the blindfold over her eyes. "This way," he said, turning her around by the shoulders a few times and lining her up vaguely with the piñata. Tseng leaned back against the patio fence and watched, his grin set firmly in place.

First Lené then Elena. Elena took many whacks, but despite her aggression and determination, she was unable to crack it open. A few other guys took their turn after her, Reno volunteering to face off against the piñata, once it became apparent that after just a few more blows, it would burst.

He took his first swing at it, but the stick just deflected off at a weak angle. He held the stick out to feel the piñata's location before taking his next swing. The ocean breeze kicked up, blowing the piñata away from where he thought it was. The next thing he heard was a sudden yelp and groan from one of the guys. He removed the blindfold and saw Tseng doubled over, arms overlapped near his groin.

"Aw, too bad, Tseng. You should've worn your door prize... Why do you think I give them out at all my parties? Lucky and safe for the night is the man who wins it." Reno said mockingly to him.

Tseng just grunted. "Veld...I feel your pain. Is this the fate that befalls all Turk leaders on Reno’s birthday?" he muttered almost inaudibly.

"What was that?" Reno asked.

“Nothing…”

Kira came up behind him and took the blindfold to replace it over Reno's eyes. "Don't worry about it," said the female Turk, tying the cloth into place. "Come on! Go get that piñata! Pretend its Tseng’s groin."

Reno took another determined swing, followed by another, and another. And, finally, the piñata broke open and spilled its bounty. He dropped the stick and pulled of his blindfold, expecting fierce competition diving for the prizes. His fingers dove into the pile before his eyes realized what was there. Then, he felt the cold wetness on his fingers and his eyes finally registered what had come out of the piñata.

"EEEEEEEWW!!! SNAILS....!!!!!!!!" Reno screamed, falling backwards onto his rump and scurrying back away from the live creatures. “Who put fucking snails in the piñata!?” Everyone behind him laughed hysterically. "Where are all the adult toys that were supposed to be in there!? You know...condoms...dildo keychains…troll dolls...tubes of lube...!?"

Rude thumbed his own chest. “That would be me, although it was really group consensus.”

Tseng reached a hand down and pulled Reno to his feet. "Ha, ha, ha... Having fun yet, birthday boy?" he said.

"You!! You're the one behind all of today's pranks, aren't you? The snails...the cake in the face... I suppose you also have the volley ball game rigged as well, huh!?" Reno walked up to net and basket filled with a half dozen balls. He pulled one ball out of the basket and held it, pushing against it, seeing if it were set to pop or something.

The others watched him as he pulled every ball out of the basket and thoroughly examined it for any signs of sabotage. Reno threw down the last ball, still not trusting the fact that he didn't find anything. He folded his arms across his chest and faced the gathering of suspects and potential pranksters.

“All right!? I give up! How’d you guys rig the volley ball game to backfire against me? Huh!? I know you did something, and you can’t lie to me cuz half the rookies have crooked grins!”

No words were exchanged, but Reno suddenly began scratching the back of one hand. Then the other got itchy. Then his arms and chest got itchy where his hands had come in contact with other parts of his skin. Finally, he was engulfed in an all-out itch-scratching session, battling to relieve more body parts than he could reach at once. The laughter coming from the others confirmed his suspicion.

"Next door-prize jock strap you win, Tseng, I swear I will get back at you for this!!" Reno yelled, feverishly scratching at anywhere the itching powder had gotten to.

“That's the oldest, most predictable frat joke in the book, Reno,” said Reeve.

"I thought there was just a fine coating of sand..." Reno staggered back into the villa for his second shower of the day. “Arrrgh!!”

Tseng made a show of clapping his hands together. "Good, semi-clean fun. That was kind of amusing."

"It’s hard to embarrass Reno,” said Rafe, brushing back locks of dark gray hair. “Although I don't quite think we embarrassed him adequately.”

"True,” said Rufus. “Embarrassing Reno is a near impossible task, even when left to the pros.”

“Didn’t Reno say something about ordering a stripper?” Elena asked, suddenly worried that the day’s absurdities weren’t over yet.

Tseng gasped. “Damn...! I haven't done a thing about that. I don't even know where Reno hired that one from, or even if it's a he or a she.”

Rufus laughed. "I know where... The same place dad hires 'em from for my birthday parties...and a few other assorted company functions... But enough of that for now. Don't worry, Tseng. I'll field this one for you." The VP winked and walked into the villa.

Rufus was on the phone in the living room when Reno came out of the shower. Reno hardly regarded the VP as it seemed to be a personal call to someone he knew very well. Reno got back into his shorts and tropical shirt and returned to the patio.

"Well..." he addressed everyone. "I was in the shower thinking of ways to embarrass Tseng for all this setting me up he's done today."

"And..." Tseng added on. "Surely you realized that all I've done is simply to get back at you for all the embarrassing things you've pulled on me these past several months."

"That's beside the point..." Reno said, making Tseng a little peeved that he didn't even acknowledge that long list of things that pissed his boss off so much. "So, all I can think to do given the present circumstances is the one thing I always do, and it never fails..."

Tseng saw Reno advancing towards him and instinctually guarded the waist of his trousers in case two pale skinned hands were about to yank them down. Instead, Reno caught Tseng by the sides of his head and plunged his lips forward. He gave Tseng the kiss to end all kisses. In mock passion, he savored Tseng's lips, claiming them for his own and kissing roughly so that the Turk leader had to squirm to get him off.

Finally, Reno broke off the kiss, releasing Tseng to stagger back a few steps wiping his mouth with his beach jacket sleeve. Tseng feverishly tried to erase the kiss from memory if not any other way. "I sincerely worry about you, Reno."

“It’s fool-proof and works every time. I think of it as my Ace of Spades.” Reno walked away. "So. When is that stripper getting here. I haven't had a good strip tease since those practice sessions I performed in front of the mirr -- Oh... guess you don't need to know about that."

"Yaoi-boy..." Rude muttered in a low voice.

"What was that you’re yappin’!?" Reno barked at Rude, having heard it clear enough. "Well, then. If you must know, the stripper I hired for today is a very pretty, buxom babe. I think all of you guys will be drooling equally as much once you see her. In fact, anyone who doesn’t drool over her will get a Pouf Award."

"Are you sure about that?" Rufus asked, the effect of his question getting a little lost in the comment about Elena. But at least he knew what was to come.

"I'm rather surprised you didn't just put on your own strip show for us," said Tseng. "But then again, you pretty much do that at every party you throw, we’re bored of it anyway.”

"You can’t possibly get bored with my stripping."

It didn't take long for the stripper to show up. She came in wearing a long red dress and a broad-rimmed hat with a sideways plume of feathers so that as she walked with her head down, it hid her face. The majority of the guy Turks diverted their attention from other things to her as she strutted her high heels through the sand...except for Rufus who was in on this joke by himself.

Reno's tongue hung out of his mouth, and instantly, his shorts got just a little bit tighter. "Ooooh...! Come to me, baby...!!" he teased. “Show me what you got!!”

The woman walked, dramatically shifting her hips to entice. But then, she pulled her feathery hat off.

"Scarlet!!?" Reno shrieked, any feelings of arousal completely lost in a fraction of a second.

She smiled, her cherry red lips puckering. “Should I slap you, Reno? I heard you’ve been a bad boy today.”

"Reno!?" Rufus got on him. "Why the hell did you hire Scarlet as the stripper!? Are you out of your fucking mind!?"

"I didn't!! This isn’t the bimbo I hired!! It’s a different, uglier bimbo!!"

Scarlet popped open the top of her dress, a mere inch away from revealing too much. Rufus hung around to watch his handiwork, inwardly grinning at his change in Reno’s plans.

"Rufus!! I swear!! I did not hire her as the stripper for tonight!" Reno was clearly sweating, looking like a trapped animal.

"Why? Oh that’s right…the freak you hired was some hunkish stud with balls the size of grapefruits, right, Yaoi-boy!?" Rufus winked at him.

Scarlet advanced on them, shaking her chest to draw attention to her probably artificially enhanced goods. Reno stepped back and grabbed the Vice President, shoving Rufus between himself and the blond Shinra executive. “Get away from me, witch!! Take Rufus instead! He’s not a Pouf and likes you.”

“Stop it!!” Rufus flailed, trying to get away from Scarlet even if it meant helping Reno get away at the same time. “I don’t want her even if she were the last female on the planet!”

“Why’s that!?” Reno said, he and Rufus stumbling away from Scarlet together. “Is she your mother?”

“What!? Hell no!” Rufus got to his feet and scrambled away.

Reno gathered his feet under him as well, darting off along a similar path Rufus had already gone. His foot slipped on the pile of snails under the broken piñata and pitched him forward. His abdomen collided with the edge of the patio table, knocking the wind out of him, and he fell face first into the left over portion of the birthday cake.

He hadn’t come to his senses enough to hear what all the laughter behind him was for, but he nearly had a heart attack when he lifted his head out of the cake and saw Scarlet standing beside him with a fork full of birthday cake. “Surprise, Yaoi-Boy,” she said, feeding him the cake before he could react. He had no stamina left, and there was no way he could win today. It certainly had all been a surprise party for him after all.

THE END

An original story based on characters from Final Fantasy VII © 1997 Squaresoft Ltd. This work of fiction is intended for mature audiences only. © 2000, fully edited & revised November 2007. E-mail me if you liked this story: Zeng Li