|
SCENE ONE SCENE THREE SCENE FIVE |
return to the arts pages |
| A B & C | ||
|---|---|---|
| A B & C is a series of sketches (only three are reproduced here) meant to be performed on a bare stage with minimal props by three actors, one woman (A) and two men (B & C). The order in which the sketches are performed may be altered and many of the roles may be randomly assigned, as only a few of the roles require actors of a specific gender. | ||
| B is seated, reading a newspaper. A enters. | ||
| A: | May I join you? | |
| B: | I beg your pardon? | |
| A: | I said, may I join you? | |
| B: | Oh, I'd really prefer to be alone. If you don't mind. | |
| A: | Ordinarily I wouldn't ask, it's just that the other seats are all taken. I promise, if you let me stay, I won't bother you at all. | |
| B: | Well...all right. (goes back to reading newspaper) |
|
| A: | Oh, thank you so much. (sits. long pause) Thank you again. |
|
| B: | What? | |
| A: | Thank you again. For letting me sit here. | |
| B: | Oh. Yeah. Don't mention it. | |
| A: | Actually, I'd prefer to be alone myself, so please don't talk to me. | |
| B: | What? | |
| A: | I said, don't talk to me. | |
| B: | Oh. | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | I don't know what I'm doing here. (pause. then louder) I said, I don't know what I'm doing here! |
|
| B: | What? | |
| A: | I mean, I don't usually come to places like this. It just seemed like a good idea. Do you come here often? | |
| B: | No. | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | Are you married? | |
| B: | Are you talking to me? | |
| A: | Yes. Are you married? | |
| B: | Yes, I am. | |
| A: | I thought so. Most people who come to places like this are married. Isn't that odd? | |
| B: | Hmm... | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | How long? | |
| B: | What? | |
| A: | How long? | |
| B: | How long what? | |
| A: | How long have you been married? | |
| B: | Six years. Look, I-- | |
| A: | Six years! Oh my! Six years, really? That's a long time! I never would've guessed. Really. Imagine that. | |
| B: | Hmm... | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | Do you have any children? | |
| B: | Yes! Yes I have children, I have two children. Yes I'm married, I've been married six years, no, I don't come here often, and don't worry, I won't talk to you!... Is there anything else?!! | |
| B stares at A. Long pause. A is silent. B goes back to reading the newspaper. Beat. |
||
| A: | Are you upset with me? | |
| B: | Upset! Upset! All I want to do is come here after work and sit down, relax, read my paper for a few minutes before I go home to face my nagging wife and screaming brats, and you! You come prancing in here with your engaging little smile, worm your way into my space, and proceed to make my life miserable with your stupid, brainless attempts at making inane conversation for God knows why! And then!! And then, you have the colossal nerve, the unmitigated gall, the shameless, brazen, Cheeky Damn Brass Tacks to ask me if I'm upset with you?!! (pause) Yes! Yes!! Yes I'm up set with you!!! Maybe it's my own fault. Maybe I shouldn't be "Mr. Nice-Guy." Maybe when someone asks me to do something I don't want to do I should just tell them to get lost! But right now, right now it's too late for that. Right now I'm going to sit down, right here, and read my newspaper. And you're going to sit, right there, and not say anything, do you hear? Not Say Anything! |
|
| B stares at A. Long pause. A is silent. B goes back to the newspaper and gradually calms down. Beat. |
||
| A: | So how old are your children? | |
| B screams, jumps up, drops the newspaper, and runs off. A shrugs shoulders, picks up the newspaper, and begins reading. C enters. |
||
| C: | Excuse me. Do you mind if I join you? | |
| A: | Oh, I'd really prefer to be alone. If you don't mind. | |
|
SCENE ONE SCENE THREE SCENE FIVE |
return to the arts pages |
| C enters, followed by A. | ||
| A: | Wait! | |
| C: | What's the matter? | |
| A: | I've got to rest | |
| A sits down. | ||
| C: | I think I can see a gas station from here. | |
| A: | My feet hurt. I can't go any farther. | |
| C: | We're almost there | |
| A: | It's too far. I can't make it. | |
| C: | Come on. It's just a litter farther. | |
| A: | I can't. | |
| C: | You've got to. We've come this far, don't give up now. | |
| A: | I can't make it, I tell you. It's just too far. I've got to rest. | |
| C: | You can't rest now! Come on. This is your chance to see some of the country, like you wanted. | |
| A: | Like I wanted? I wanted to fly, remember? This never would have happened if we'd flown. I suppose next you'll blame me for the car breaking down. You always twist things around. You're so manipulative! | |
| C: | Manipulative! Me?! | |
| A: | Yes you! You always have to get your own way. Well, this time, forget it. I'm going to stay right here until someone comes along. If you want to wander off into the desert, that's just fine. Go ahead. I don't care. | |
| Beat. | ||
| C: | I'm sorry. | |
| A: | What? | |
| C: | This is all my fault. I never should have dragged you out here in the first place. | |
| Pause. C looks dejected. | ||
| A: | You didn't drag me out here. | |
| C: | Yes I did. It was my bright idea to drive cross-country. (mournfully) Oh why didn't we fly like you wanted?! |
|
| A: | I wasn't your fault the car broke down. | |
| C: | Not my fault! Not my fault! What car could possibly survive this wasteland? We should've rented camels. (beat. dramatically) And now we're going to die out here. |
|
| A: | We're not going to die! | |
| C: | Of course we are! We haven't got a chance! | |
| A: | Look. We're not going to die. | |
| C: | We don't have any food! We don't have any water! | |
| A: | Well... maybe we can find some water somewhere. It... it, kind of looks like rain... besides, it'll be dark soon. We can cover a lot more ground after it cools off. | |
| C: | No! It's hopeless!! We're doomed!!! | |
| C collapses, sobbing uncontrollably. Pause. |
||
| A: | Hey. Oh... hey... come on. It's okay. | |
| Pause. C is inconsolable. | ||
| A: | Come on. Let's start walking. (pause) I think I can see a gas station from here. |
|
| C: | It's too far. I can't make it. | |
| A: | Come on. It's just a little farther. | |
| C: | I can't. | |
| A: | You've got to. We've come this far, don't give up now. | |
| C: | Well (pause) Okay. | |
| A: | Come on. I'll lead the way. | |
| A exits. C gives the audience a knowing grin, then follows. |
||
|
SCENE ONE SCENE THREE SCENE FIVE |
return to the arts pages |
| B is wearing a little red vest and a nametag. A enters. |
||
| A: | Excuse me! | |
| B: | Yes? | |
| A: | Can you help me? | |
| B: | No. | |
| A: | No? | |
| B: | No. | |
| A: | Why not? | |
| B: | I don't work here. | |
| A: | Oh. | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | Are you sure you don't work here? | |
| B: | Positive. | |
| A: | Well, where are all the salespeople? | |
| B: | I don't know. | |
| Beat. | ||
| A: | Are you sure you don't work here? | |
| B: | Absolutely | |
| A: | It must be the little red vest and the nametag. You sure look like you work here. | |
| B: | Nope. | |
| A: | Well, this is disgusting. I don't have time to stand around here and wait for the salespeople to show up. | |
| B: | You said it. | |
| A: | What do they, think I have nothing better to do than stand around and wait ‘till they feel like waiting on me? | |
| B: | Must be it. | |
| A: | Well, I'm not waiting any longer! If this is their idea of how to treat a customer, they've got another thing coming! I'm never coming back to this store again! | |
| B: | You can say that again. | |
| A exits. C, wearing a little red vest and a name tag, enters. |
||
| C: | So, how do you like the new system? | |
| B: | It's okay. But I liked it better when we worked on commission. | |
|
SCENE ONE SCENE THREE SCENE FIVE |
return to the arts pages |