Perception & Reality

Many times the projection of who and what we are in life on the outside, is far from the reality of who and what our life is about on the inside.  To ourselves, we appear to have things in order and under control, only later to find out that we were not who or what, we thought we were.

Because the perception of ourselves is often very different than the reality of whom we really are.  We must also realize that we carry this false perception into our marriages today.

It has been said of Marriage, that after the “honeymoon” is over, a new perception begins to knock at the door of this man and wife.  They begin to wake up to “reality”.

For example, when the honeymoon is over, and life has settled into its ruts and routines; things are not always what they seem.

Sure, on the outside, to other’s, everything seems to be in order.  But, no one really knows the Hell that your Marriage can become over the years.  Your perception of your marriage can be vastly different that that of your spouse.

To make my point, let me paint for you a picture of this that will quickly move from illustration to reality and truth.

Here is a couple where Mr. Man, feels like his marriage is floating along life’s river doing fine.  He comes home from work and stretches out in his favorite chair, watching the ball game, with a glass of ice tea in one hand, dinner in the other, and one foot on the steering wheel of life.

After all, he is the “Captian” of his ship… the “King” of his castle… the “Boss” of his business… he is in control… happy… content… comfortable… everything is fine… and as long as everyone does things his way… no one will get hurt.

Just fill his tea glass when he needs it… serve him dinner… and leave him alone… for after a full day at work, it takes concentration and skill to sit in that chair, eat dinner, drink his tea, watch the game, and steer this family down life’s river.

He perceives life is doing fine… sure, there are some waves in life, but hey, he has his dinner, his tea, his ball game, and foot on the wheel… he has things under control… what could possibly go wrong.

Now, if the wife expresses anything different, then Mr. Man’s perception of their life… then Mr. Man immediately begins to straighten his wife out… after all, she must be the one with the problem… because she does not see things as he, the Man, perceives things.

So, since he is King… as the tender, loving King and ruler of his Kingdom… it is his responsibility to explain things to her.  And he begins to solve this little problem, by addressing the issues… AS HE PRECIEVES them to be… and the conversation goes something like this…

(Keep in mind, that the only reason the King raises his voice to a shouting level, is because those listening, don’t hear very well)

WOMAN… WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM…  I work all day, slaving so that we can pay the bills and have a house to live in… and all you do is complain, complain, and complain.

When are you going to appreciate all I do for you and this family… When I come home… I am tired… I don’t feel like taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, or doing repairs on the house…

So, when are you going to quit nagging me… what is wrong with you… is this another p.m.s. moment for you or what…

Well, you need to get a grip… for you’re the one with the problem… now, this discussion is over… I don’t want to hear another word about it…

Make me another plate of dinner… and change that child’s diaper… and since you have to emapty the diaper pale… why don’t you take that trash, it is on your way…

… And one more thing, Sweetheart… you know I love you… “Are you going to Give Me Some Tonight?”

Of course, the scenario is hypothetical and humorous at best.  Maybe something like this happened in the stone ages… but surely not today…

WRONG!

Today, there are many marriages that look good to others on the outside, yet they function under a demonic influence on the inside.   A spirit of control and a dictatorship rule.

This is where a man is literally “king” of his castle and his word becomes law… there is no discussion, no compromise, no consideration, no mercy, only what he thinks is best, and he controls everything.  What you say, what you wear, whom you can talk to, who can be a friend, and where you go.

In some cases, most often found in men, were the trust factor has been violated or the man just has an unhealthy insecure jealous spirit… he becomes overbearing and controlling.  But, you would never know this for on the outside, he seems just the opposite.  He appears, kind, gentle, and considerate.

Every day lawyers, doctors, pastors, politicians, businessman, and laborers go to work.  Many of them receive honor and respect from their peers.

They may even have reputations of being kind, gentle, compassionate, patient, merciful, caring and some, even Godly.  Yet when they walk through the doors of there own home, a metamorphous takes place.

With the ones they love, their own family, they seem to lack patience, kindness, mercy, gentleness, compassion, Godliness, and self-control.

The very things they were able to give to people they hardly know, they are unable to give to the people they are suppose to know, love and be committed to.

Are you like this?

Are you controlling, insecure, and overbearing?

Now the Wife, Mrs. Woman, has a TOTAL different perception of life and what their marriage is all about.

She could be a Career Woman, employed in the work force, dealing with people and problems all day, coming home exhausted.

Or, she could be a Career House Wife, employed at home, working just as hard with no pay.

Washing dishes, scrubbing floors, vacuuming carpet, dusting furniture, cleaning bathrooms, shopping to keep the house with supplies, washing clothes, cooking meals, as she watches her children, changes their diapers, keeping them entertained, and have her husbands dinner hot and ready to be served at the precise time he decides to show up, after work.

But it doesn’t stop there… after dinner, she is to clean the kitchen, bathe the children and get things ready for another day.  In addition, to becoming some Beauty Queen before going to bed…

Having a perm in her hair, fresh coat of paint on her nails, skin soft as cotton, make-up freshly applied, wearing some unpractical, uncomfortable piece of lingerie, as she lays across their bed awaiting eagerly for her husband to walk in, as if it were their first honeymoon.

It must be said at this point… that in the work place today there has never been a Career job discription for a man, much less a woman, wht matches or even comes close to the diversity and responsibility that some would put on a stay at home mom.   There is no CEO of a large corporation that wears as many hats as a Wife or Mother is expected to wear.

Also, let me make it clear, it is not the responsibility, mandate, destiny, of the Wife or Mother to solely wear all these different hats by herself, not perform this enormous list of chores.

But, most often, a good woman, in her attempt to keep peace or fulfill her dream of a better life for her children… will give up working on her marriage and just become a work horse for the family.

Taking up the slack, doing all that she can to keep the boat afloat.  Becoming weary, frustrated, bitter and sometimes manipulative, using any means possible to keep her family together.

In time, if she floats down this river long enough, with out change, she will be fed up with feeling tired, frustrated, lonely, hopeless, and feelings of betrayal will set in.

Sure there are women who run off, taking no responsibility for there marriage or children.  Just like there are men that do the same, becoming deadbeat dads.  But, we are not talking about these kind of people.

We have been talking about the average Christian marriage and family.  Yes, Christian marriages including Pastor’s or Clergy, are living their own privat war.  For some, their life becomes a private hell.

On the outside everything looks good, but inside there is a whole different reality to their lives.  No one would ever really know unless they were apart of that household.

Now I am not talking about a relationship where trust has been violated in the past.  I am speaking of a relationship that one person is controlling.

You may answer No…  and say… I am just being the Leader of my household, watching out for my wife and children, protecting them.

Well, let me give you a simple test, just answer the following questions.

Do you trust your wife?

Does she come to you for advice on her clothes and how she looks?

            Or do you tell her what she can or cannot wear.

Does she eagerly want to share with you, whome she talked to today?

Or does she have to have permission before she can talk to someone.

Does she come to you and share her schedule with you out of love, concern and being apart of your life.

Or does she have to ask permission for ever  little move she makes.

Do you give her freedom to go to the store?

Or is she on a time clock that you watch carefully

Let me bring it home for you… do you continually talk to your wife in this fashion:

Where have you been… it don’t take five minutes to get there, five minutes to get back and two minutes to do what you had to do, that’s twelve minutes… you have been gone seventeen minutes… where have you been…?

Who did you see…?  Who did you talk to…?

Who talked to you...?  Why did that man talk to you…?  Who is he…?   I don’t care that he was the cashier, why did he talk to you…?  What did he say…?  Why didn’t you go through another line…?  No more trips to Wal-mart, now you shop at Kroger’s, all the cashiers are women there.

Why do you want to call your friend…? Why do you want to call your mom…?  Why do you want three dollars… didn’t you buy those personal items last month…?

If you sound like this day in and day out and every time she makes a move you feel this uncontrollable need to drill or interrogating her, then you may friend, are overbearing, and operation under the influence of a demonic jealous and controlling spirit.

Now, whether things are to this extreme or not, if you are a man who treats others better then you do your own wife or family.  Then you have a false perception of who or what you really are.

You need to go to your wife and family, confess your faults, ask God to forgive you , and pray together, that you may be healed.

Then, take responsibility to change, begin to trust, communicate, give respect and renew your commitment and covenant to your wife.

We should always treat the wife and family better then those whom you treat at the office.