Ingredients:

• Mushed-up mad cow brains: 15 oz. (This is the base that holds it all together. Yum!)
• Monkey eyeballs: 6 oz. (Gives this tasty dish its name.)
• Chopped up red worms: 4 oz. (Watch em' wiggle!)
• Diced green worms: 4 oz. (Can't find them at the supe? Just leave some of the red worms out for a few weeks until they turn green and putrid.)
• Sliced monkey brains: 4 oz.
• Rat eyeballs: 4 oz.
• Crispy white maggots: 4 oz.
• Petite Young Rat Turds: Just a sprinkling of these for flavor.
• Sliced coagulated pus: Two wrapped slices.

Some of these are hard to find, so you may have to make-do with the following limited substitutions:

• Mushed-up mad cow brains: Substitute a can of beanless chili con carne, preferably spicy.
• Monkey eyeballs: If you just can't find them, use a 6 oz can of pitted black olives, drained.
• Chopped up red worms: Use a 4 oz bottle of sliced pimentos in a pinch.
• Diced green worms: A 4 oz. can of diced green chili's.
• Sliced monkey brains: Oh GEEZE, don't they carry ANY of this at the supermarket? Use a small can of sliced mushrooms, drained.
• Rat eyeballs: 4 oz. of very young small early peas is a poor but adequate substitute.
• Crispy white maggots: Oh darn! Well if you HAVE to, use a small can of white shoepeg corn, drained.
• Petite Young Rat Turds: Try capers.
• Sliced coagulated pus: Use a couple of wrapped slices of coagulated American cheese.

Starting with the mad cow brains, stir it all together in a covered bowl suitable for microwaving. Add in a pinch of minced gangreneous horse intestines (or horse radish if unavailable) for piquancy as desired. Top it with the coagulated pus slices, pop it in the microwave for two—three minutes, then stir the pus in and microwave until hot, stirring occasionally. Serve in soup-bowls. Serves four or five, and the leftovers are dee-licious!

Ingredients:

• 12 hard boiled eggs (equivalent of at least 15 minutes full boiling; longer, if starting with cold water)
• Powdered mustard: 1 teaspoon.
• Salt: 1/2 teaspoon. (Careful! It's easy to overdo this)
• Pepper (to suit)
• Dill weed (optional, to suit)
• Celery seed (optional, to suit)
• Dried onion flakes (to suit)
• Worcestershire sauce: 2 teaspoons.
• Vinegar: 1 teaspoon.
• Horseradish: 2 teaspoons (this is the "secret" ingredient!)
• Mayonnaise: 6 tablespoons.
• Paprika: A dash on each finished egg, to suit.
• Capers: 1 or 2 atop each finished egg, to suit.

Cut eggs in half lengthwise and put the hard yokes in one bowl, the emptied whites in another. Mash the yolks with a fork until they are powdery with no large lumps left. Then add the ingredients, dry ones first, then the wet ones, ending with the mayonnaise. Stir to a smooth consistency. If too thick, add more mayonnaise (Frequently one or two more tablespoons may be needed.)

Stuff the egg whites with the creamy (!) yolk, heaping it up for each egg half (because of the added volume. There will probably be some yolk left over, tasty all by itself). Sprinkle with paprika as desired, and add a caper or two to the top.

Ingredients:

• Collard Greens: 4 bunches (~4 pounds).
• Vinegar: 1/2 cup (cider is good, probably better than white)
• Sugar: 1/3 cup, to suit.
• Salt: 2 tablespoons, to suit.
• Salt pork: Between 1/2 to 1 pound, to suit. Slice & cut into 1" square strips.
• Bacon grease: (As desired)

Tear up the leaves and stalks into little clumps with fingers. You can use most or all of the stalks, since they get pretty tender after being boiled. Get 2 or 3 bunches worth of greens started in a large pot of water, with the water 1/2 way to the top. (There probably won't be room for more initially). Put on high heat and stir until the collards shrink down to a manageable size, and then add the rest of the greens. After it's all in, add the other ingredients and bring to a boil. After the pot starts to boil, turn down the heat and put a lid on so that the water bubbles gently. Stir occasionally and add more salt/vinegar/sugar to taste. Also might need to add water as it evaporates. Basically, boil the shit out of it for at least 3 hours.