Top Ten Ways to Stop Someone From Sitting Next To You on the Train

  1. Put a big bag or other unwieldy encumbrance on the seat next to you (although this is a common ploy that most savvy commuters can see through. Some conductors frown on this behavior as well). Use of the overhead rack is encouraged, but since I need to keep a perpetual proximity to all of my worldly possessions, I’ll just put my bag under the seat if challenged.
  2. "Accidentally" spill water on the seat (hint: not an accident).
  3. Sit so that your body take up two seats, put your Walkman on loud, and pretend to be asleep. Note: most New Yawkers will have no problem poking you awake.
  4. Do something really unappealing - pick your ear or nose and smear it on the seat. The drawback to this technique is that you need to repeat it for each potential seat-sitter, which can be arduous. Use only on a case by case, as needed basis.
  5. Be really sweaty (it helps if you’re glandularly challenged, like me).
  6. Act really crazy (it helps to be really crazy, like me).
  7. Strike a deal with and/or team up with your seatmate and say that the seat in between you is saved (helpful hint: works for three-seaters only).
  8. Make out with and otherwise fondle your seatmate (make sure to clear this with your seatmate first).
  9. Light the seat on fire (hint: may be against the law - check with a police officer before attempting).
  10. I’m out of ideas here. Really - couldn’t you tell that I was out of inspiration at around #4?

If someone manages to somehow circumvent these strategies and actually sits down next to you, be sure to accept defeat gracefully by offering your hand in eternal friendship.

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