Synopsis: Candace is a friend whom I’ve known for about 6 years now. She married Ben in February last year, after a two-and-a-half-month courtship, then Ben shipped out to Iraq in March. Ben returned in March of this year. For lots more details, you can read the previous Candace Chronicles here, here, here and here.

It was a difficult year. I know it was hard for Candace; I can only imagine it wasn’t all that pleasant for Ben. I was kind of hoping that once Ben got home, they could more or less start again, since they never really got started in the first place last year. Well, hope is the thing with wings and this story is pretty much wingless.

Ben was back for one week of domestic discord, then went on a two-week “vacation,” without Candace, to visit his family in Maine. Candace felt abandoned and betrayed. Personally, I am not sure that spending an additional two weeks away from his wife after a year of separation was the most palliative course of action for their relationship.

From Candace’s accounts, their telephone calls were acrimonious while he was in Maine, and that was when one or the other was actually answering or returning calls. According to Candace, Ben was angry at the way she treated him over the phone while he was in Iraq. Instead of dealing with that AT THE TIME, Ben decided the most mature and effective response would be to save up that anger and frustration and take it out on CANDACE once he returned.

I have never spoken to Ben. All I know is what Candace tells me. But I will say that Candace is surprisingly candid and revelatory in her conversations with me. She does not always come off as the nicest person, or the person who is clearly in the right. Even so, it is important to understand that I have no firsthand knowledge from Ben. I can see the actions, though, so I know WHAT happened very well; what I don’t know is WHY.

In my estimation, lots of earnest work rebuilding (or building) their relationship immediately after Ben’s return would have been critical. I mean, come on. A three-month courtship, a quick JP marriage, then a one year separation sounds like a recipe for disaster even for two people who are completely compatible. Ben and Candace don’t even really know each other.

So when Ben began working on their relationship by evening the score for his perception that Candace mistreated him telephonically while he was in Iraq, it was possibly the least constructive thing he could have done. Especially since Candace never takes anything lying down. I know this, but I have FIVE AND A HALF YEARS more knowledge of Candace than Ben has so maybe he didn’t have enough time to figure it out. It’s pretty obvious, though.

Consequently, Candace struck back in a self-regenerating circle of acrimony. No one LIKES to be flogged, after all. And throughout Candace's relationships, in my opinion, she has historically done the flogging more than she has been flogged. Just a feeling.

Adding to the mix is Ben’s realization that Iraq has “affected” him and he is having trouble adjusting. I DO NOT want to sound unsympathetic, but he needs to suck it up and deal with it. If he thinks he is having trouble readjusting, the Army, I am sure, has resources to help him: counselors, support groups, even pamphlets and brochures. And in none of them, I am fairly sure, will it recommend taking it out on the spouse. Copping a psychological plea but refusing to get help for it is a cop-out. He may have a problem, but if he recognizes the problem and refuses to take advantage of the solutions available to him, then his problems are all his fault. Be a man. Suck it up and get over it, or get help to get over it, but don’t sit around whining about it. No one likes a whiner.

So in the couple of weeks Ben has been back from Maine, he has moved in and out of Candace’s apartment three or four times. Every time he moves back in, Candace thinks they can make it work. Every time he moves out, Candace despairs that it just won’t work.

The trouble is, Candace, at this time, WANTS to make it work. Ben seems incapable of sustaining any effort to make it happen because he just can’t adjust and she just doesn’t understand what he has been through and he just can’t forgive her for the way she did him on the telephone. “Candace,” he says, looking into her eyes, “it’s me.”

What a pussy.

So, in and out, back and forth. I’ll bet I could get this scheduled on one of those popular daytime TV shows where people go on and embarrass themselves in front of millions. Of course, listening to this kind of stuff is exactly why I don’t watch daytime TV.

I counseled Candace to give this a chance and work hard to salvage her marriage. But I was assuming Ben was at least TRYING to deal with his Iraq experience and TRYING to mend his relationship. I mean, come on. Candace is hot. After being away for a year, I think I would have found a reason to spend an inordinate amount of time, you know, IN THE BEDROOM. Kind of a “make love, not war” approach to reconciliation. If I didn’t know what exactly to say to make things better, I would at least try to avoid saying things that I was pretty sure would make it all worse. I am not a genius—that is just fairly obvious to me.

As a result, I have changed my advice. Ben is separating in May, and he will have to do something at that time. There is now an external timetable with which Ben and Candace have to share decisions now. Ben wants to move back to Maine. Candace has an apartment, a decent-paying job, and a life, with friends and family nearby to help when she needs it. She is not dependent on Ben for anything, which is good since he seems less than dependable right now. However, if Candace moves to Maine, she will be jobless, with no income for herself, no friends or family nearby, surrounded by Ben’s family (most of whom do not like her), and completely dependent on Ben for everything. And if he is still in his “get-even” mode for Iraq, Candace is in for a bad time.

Candace also feels strongly about her marriage. She feels like if it fails, she is a failure. So she wants to keep it going for that reason as well. Ben knows that. All he will have to do is maintain the status quo until he separates, then it will be two against one: Ben and the timetable against Candace. Ben will HAVE to do something, so Candace will HAVE to make a decision, and the timetable will say the decision has to be made NOW. Ben can reduce everything to two choices. First, Candace either loves him and wants to save their marriage so she will quit her job and move to Maine. Second, Candace doesn’t really love Ben and doesn’t care enough about their marriage to go with him, so the failure of their marriage is all her fault. She could save it by coming.

I can see this manipulation. I know that it would work. And it wouldn’t save the marriage but it would put Candace completely at Ben’s mercy. This all sounds like a cheap and exploitative movie-of-the-week, but it is happening.

It would be nice if Candace and Ben could work this out, but now there’s a timetable and that will limit their choices the closer it gets. Actually, this is interesting in a clinical sense, and I could work up more enthusiasm for seeing how it all works out except of course I care for Candace and I don’t want to see how it works out so much as see it work out RIGHT.