Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to Deppsconsin.
Kids are skipping school to see him. Families are re-arranging their spring break vacation trips to see him. Whole
downtowns are closing shop because of him. I mean, something this big hasn’t hit the state since the Tornado That Ate Barneveld.
You see, recently our state politicians passed some legislation (I know, I was flabbergasted too. I thought all those
pompous windbags could pass were resolutions honoring Brett Favre. And gas, because there’s more than one kind of windbag,
ya know.) Now, where was I? Oh, yes, legislation. It granted tax breaks for production companies to film in the state. This
way, they don’t have to go all the way to Canada; they can just stop a few hundred miles short of the
border and film right here. Put that together with a director that went to the U-Dub, and you’ve got Hollywood
in Wisconsin, in the form of one Johnny-Scissorhands-Captain-Jack-Sweeny-Dillinger-Depp.
You can’t turn on the local news without hearing the bimbos chirping about where Johnny is today, and what the filmmakers
are doing to make Columbus look like the 1930s (can you say rubber cobblestones? And doesn’t ‘rubber cobblestones’ sound like
some 21st-century version of a torture device?), and interviewing folks lucky enough to be chosen as extras, and
the owner of the classic car that follows the one Johnny drives in the movie. It’s all “Johnny’s
in Darlington and here are some photos someone emailed us of Johnny going into a building and that’s Johnny’s hand waving
from the barely-opened window of his Expedition and people are swarming to the film’s locations and standing on snow banks
to try to catch a glimpse of Johnny and whenever they see him they scream Johnn-e-e-e-e-e-e-e! and tomorrow they’re turning
a historic home into a brothel and Johnny will be shooting scenes there and if you have pictures of Johnny or video of Johnny
please email it to us and we’ll put it up on our special Johnny section of our website and oh, yeah, Obama-Recession-MethLab-Explosion-Weather-BadgersInTheNCAATourney-and-LOOK!
More Johnny Depp!!!!!!!!!”
You know it’s bad when Johnny’s hand gets a solid ten minutes on the local news and the front page above the fold of
the regional newspaper and the U-Dub’s men’s basketball team’s Big Ten Tournament Championship and really good chances to
make it to the Final Four are relegated to a footnote. Pretty soon all we’ll have is the Depp-o’clock news, covering What
Color Socks Johnny Wore Today, and Johnny Seen Eating A Whole Wheat Bagel With Fat Free Cream Cheese For Breakfast, and Fan
Footage Super Zoom Shows Johnny Has A Hangnail On His Left Index Finger.
Hello? People? This is a guy trying to do his job, surrounded by people trying to do their jobs. Ya’ll are acting like
a cross between a bunch of crazed stalkers and Beatles fans. Think about how you’re acting; would you flock to see someone’s
third cousin twice removed named Bubba castrate bulls? Would you strain at the barricades and scream Bubba-a-a-a-a!!! and hold up a sign inviting Bubba over for a glass of wine after work? Would you? Sheesh, people.
Get. A. Life.
I am so embarrassed. If they keep it up like this, no one will ever come back to this state to shoot a movie ever again.
And that would totally suck, because we could really use the money.
Thanks a lot, state government. Now get off that snow bank and take your kids to school.