What color are the trees in my world

Well I guess I survived another holiday season, there's still a day or so till New Years but I really don't care about that holiday, other than enjoying having the day off of work.

I hate Christmas, I hate everything that represents it and would not have problem with it just going away, it serves no useful purpose. Look people if you want to be nice to eachother and spread good cheer then do it every fucking day! One day a year is just a cop out and even I could do that if I wanted to and I don't. Of course we all know that people aren't happy durring Christmas, in fact the suicide rate goes through the roof. Plus have you been in the malls durring this time of year? I checked not one happy person to be seen.

My Decembers have been getting better and starting with last year have been pretty great, you know why? We don't do shit for Christmas. Both families were informed that we would be staying home on Christmas. No stress it was wonderful.

But it was not completely peaceful. The right wing nut balls decided that Christmas was under attack this year because some facists realized that hey there are people of many other beliefs in this Country that don't celebrate Christmas and don't really care to have "Merry Christmas" thrown at them everywhere they go, and since I will probably never get my wish of it going away completely, "happy holidays" is a nice compromise. But no not as far as the Jesus freaks are concerned. They're Christian and everyone else should be too. Well here's my holiday message to you. FUCK YOU! FUCK YOUR GOD! FUCK JESUS! and FUCK HIS LITTLE DOG TOTTO TOO! To most sane people their person beliefs are private and nothing that they need to impose on the rest of the world, some of them are Christians.

Don't think that I just have a "thing" against Christians I pretty much have a problem with all religions December just happens to be a big month for the Jesus freaks, oh and by the way again. The person that was Jesus was born in the spring, look it up it's in that book you seem to know nothing about, you know the Bible.

Maybe it's me.

So President Butthead gives the Medal of Freedom to other than him the three idiots most responsible for fucking up the war in Iraq. Bremmer sat back and watched Iraq fall apart after the war was suposed to be won. Franks kept saying everything's going great over and over, then he retires and said, "We really should have had a lot more troops." And Tenet "Mr. Slamdunk" who probably deserves most of the blame.

Even I can't believe they're that deluded. Yesterday I was listening to some Bill Hicks that I found on the internet and it is amazing how you don't even have to change any part of what he says and it fits with what's happening today. For those not in the know Bill Hicks has been dead for over ten years now, he was one of the best observational comedians ever.

I suspect that Tenet's reason for saying invading Iraq's a slam dunk came from one of Hick's observations of the first Gulf War, even in 91 they kept telling us that he had weapons of mass destruction and when pressed for proof Hicks felt they just looked at the receipt for what we sold them to use on Iran. "We're going in, for God, or Country, here's a flag, a puppy what ever you need to follow."

As I keep saying it all boils down to the ugly little secret of war, I really shouldn't even call it a secret it's really not. It's just that no one wants to talk about it. You see winning a war is really easy, all you need is a shit load of people for cannon fodder. That's all. If you've got better technology, check and a lot of people to use as targets to expire the enemies amunition and will to fight you win! But you see if the death toll, on our side at least, was to rise too high all these rock hard chicken hawks would loose interest in the war. So Butthead has to fight a limited war, and looking back on Vietnam we all know how those little police actions turn out. Of course by the time things get really shitty he'll be out of office for a term or two. Johnson wasn't the nicest guy in government but he doesn't deserve all the blame for what happened in Vietnam he inherited it from Kennedy who inherirted it from Eisenhower.

So I guess that's where the delusions come in, as long Butthead and company can keep the blinders on for the next four years, and keep selling the bullshit story that everything's just peachy over there then it's possible he'll make it out of office and leave the big mess to a future administration. You see when you really sit down and go through mess' like this they just seem to work them selves out. Suddenly everything's a lot clearer now isn't it?

Being the huge fan of self preservation that I am it doesn't get to me as bad as it should to say oh I don't know other males between the ages of 18 and 30 in relatively good health. Me on the other hand I'm going home tonite watch The Sword and the Sorcerer and hope they don't draft my girl friend.

maybe it's just me.

63 years ago today Japan attacked the United States Pacific fleet in Pearl harbor, four years later we settled the score by nuking two of their cities back to the stone age. Till the day I die I will defend what we did as it ultimately saved more lives than it cost. However it does give an interesting contrast to current events.

War is a necessary evil, when all other avenues have been exhausted and there's no other option. After the attack on Pearl Harbor we had no choice but to retaliate pulling the US into a war in both Europe and the Pacific. At the time the United States had a very isolationist stance twords the war. World War I was called the war to end all wars, and when it was done the people of the this country took a hard look at the cost wondering why the US fought for what was seen to be Europes problem. So it stands to reason what would have happened if Japan hadn't attacked the United States would we have entered the war. There have been plenty of books and stories dealing with that issue, but what got me thinking was ever since the end of World War II the US has had the attitude of being the world police. Fighting for freedom even when we have nothing to gain. The two major wars proceding WWII show that, the Korean war is in the longest pause in world history and we lost the Vietnam war.

In World War II the allies knew that it would take great human sacrifices to win the war. Had we invaded Japan rather than dropping nukes the projected dead was over three million. But everyone knew that we had to do what ever it took to keep the world free.

Now let's look at the current situation. With the exception of the completely delusional most people understand that something had to be done in Afganistan there's no arguing the fact that it was a terrorist playground. But rather than just focus our attention on stablizing that country and finding the persons responsible for the 9/11, or 11/9 attacks for my non existant European readers. President butthead decided to attack a 2nd rate country run by a third rate dictator that posed no threat to the United States. Then couldn't understand why the whole country wouldn't get behind the war.

Now going back to something I talked about earlier. When it comes to war it should be the last resort, and we all better be prepared for a tremedous human cost. With out the complete support of the country the Government knew that if the deathtoll rose too quickly what little public support they had would disapear. So we kept pulling back and relying on technology to fight the war. So it just kept getting worse, and today a secret memo from the CIA sector chief in Iraq says the situation is basically a mess with no end in site.

So now we're going start kicking in doors in street to street fighting more people are going to die, and in my opinion with out some sort of complete reversal the draft is going to rear it's head and as usual history will once again prove me right.

Sadam was a dickhead but he was Iraq's problem not ours. People need to remember how we got our start. When we were sick of being ruled by the British we rose up and with the support of France and took back our country. When the French were sick of the oppression of King Louis they revolted and took back their country. You see where I'm going with this? If the Iraqies were sick of Sadam they could have started a revolution and then asked for our help. The United States has our own problems that 20 billion dollars could have made a dent in.

Maybe it's just me.

So I'm reading the news this morning, you'd think I would learn by now. One of the stories I come across is about a small school district in Pennsylvania

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/c/a/2004/11/30/MNGVNA3PE11.DTL They taking a several hundred year leap backwards in the relm of science. You see fortunately the greater percentage of America are willing to concede that creation is really about as believable as the Easter Bunny, but those damn Christians didn't give up. They came up with the rediculous notion of "intelligent design" The idea that life does evolve but there is some "thing" supervising it. Because life is just too complex to have happened accidentally. So with this cop out that some people are willing to think is okay to teach more and more it's creeping into schools the one place where religion does not belong.

It's no wonder the rest of the world hates us. Freedom of religion really means freedom to be a Christian. Fuck them and their religion. Listen to this part very carefully. There is no, nothing, nada, zero, scientific evidence to back up either creation or intelligent design. On the other hand there is a wealth of evidence to back up evolution, while we don't have all the pieces we have enough. So let's revue 0 evicence for god bullshit versus shitload for evolution, which do you think should be taught as science and what should be left to be taught as folklore?

They god team lost me with the whole the world's only 6000 years old bullshit. We may not have all the pieces to the developement of man but we've got a whole planet load of geological evidence that clearly dates the Earth. To loosely quote the great philospher Bill Hicks, I have a hard time believe "god" put all those dinosaur bones there just to fuck with us." It's not even a good cop out, any time you present team god with proof they're full of shit their ownly come back is god did it to test your faith, to which to again loosely quote Bill Hicks, "well he certainly put you here to test my patience."

For christ sake people open your goddamn eyes, look around read a book pick up a fossile and realize that life was a cosmic accident, the right mixture of chemicals and the right enviromental conditions. And no matter how much you want it we're not alone in this universe and I can't wait till we can prove it, that'll bum out the jesus crowd.

So really if you want to save someone save your self and anyone like you from a life in darkness. Come into the light it's wonderful.

maybe it's just me.

As high school dragged on I was having a pretty good time as long as I wasn't at home. You see by now dad was done with me, some highlights showing just where I ranked in his world follow. One day he came home from work walked up the stairs and without cause looked at me and said that, if I was to move out and he was to never hear from me again it would would have been fine with him then wandered off into his study. To this day I don't know what exactly I did to deserve that one. Not too long after that I did not have the gas to get to work so dad gave me a ride and told me to call when I was ready to come home. So at ten when I was off of work I called and this is verbaitum the responce I recieved. "I'm already in bed." *click* Incase you're wondering I was 17 and now had to walk over ten miles over a unlit pass road home, it took around five hours it was close to sunrise when I got home, oh and by the way I got in trouble for not going to school the next day. By now I started to feel like it was some sort of twisted game that I was not in on.

Also at this point there was rarely food in the house, when I would point this out I was told there was macaroni, just no butter or milk to make it with. I have found when you're desparate you can use water to mix it, nearly ediable! It's funny looking back now, I weighed about 165 at that point and thought I was kind of fat. I would be surprised if most people could imagine how depressed I was at this point.

As I mentioned in the last piece I had fallen in with a group that were like my new family. The time I spend with them will always be some of the best times in my life. One person in particular became a sort of substitute father, but like all things in life when you smell the roses you look around for the funeral and sure enough, my new father figure was far more troubled than I and with in four years would kill himself, which became a pivotable point in my life.

The suicide and subsequent discoveries of the skeltons this man had changed my whole out look on life. All of us have simple black and white perception of the world when we're young. The stupider portion of the population never loose this, for me when my friend died my black and white image of the world was shattered. In the years I knew this person he never once did anything to harm me, was always willing to listen to me and offer advise even when I didn't want to hear it. But this person turned out to have done some bad things. I don't want to rehash them here, I will say there is no excusing what he did, but I was confused because he was a good friend to me. How do you hate someone like that? So once again I was left without a clear answer to some serious questions. I'm convinced that those will never be resolved, they're just too complex. I had to resolve that I would have to relish the good, but in the context of the complex and really screwed up person he was.

I can tell you that 17 years later I still every day miss the man and feel an emptyness that will never go away. Not really wanting to bore or push anyone into a dark place similar to what I went through I have really just summarized the first 18 years of my life there really is so much more but you get the idea of my darkness. The end came when I turned 18 and my father said the following to me. "You're 18 now, my legal obligation to you is over. I cancelled your health insurance and car insurance. MOVE OUT! Not the kind of thing you want to hear from your father, but you know what? I finally started to understand that no matter what I did to make him proud, or to at least tolerate my existance it just wasn't ment to be.for the next four years or so I bummed around crashed at my moms for a few months shared a couple of places with some friends, at one point had to go crawling back to dad begging for a tempary place to stay to which he okayed then revoked and left me homeless for a brief period, a couple of months.

I had resolved that I was not going to give in, after all I knew there were people in far shittier situations that me, anyone that had children. While I did feel there were times I couldn't catch a break the fact that I know there's no such thing as god left me confident that there was certainly no one out to get me. A common feeling was when you're at the bottom there's only one way left to go up, after some sideways motion of course.

I'm nearing 37 years old now, what when I was 18 thought was going to be old. It's not infact I still have a lot to learn and feel just as young as 18. I'm still somewhat aprehensive of the future, after all we're all three meals away from anarchy. But I'm happy. I have a great relationship with Karen, I have a roof over my head, some really good friends. Sure I could use a lot more money but it won't make me any happier. What I want from life now is security, that would make me happier.

So now that you're really wondering why I wrote all this? Well it's simple, recently I have skimmed through blogs and online diaries of people that have problems that pale in comparison to my life and they just want to die. If I had ever thought that way when I was at my lowest I would have missed the best parts of my life. The only suicide that I'm willing to be somewhat okay with would be Richard Farnsworth, the man was nearing 90 years old and was in constant physical pain so he ate a bullet. It still hurt his loved ones but there was no other solution where he would have had a good quality of life so I'm okay with that.

maybe it's just me