What color are the trees in my world

My life has sucked, and by sucked I mean SUCKED BIG DONKEY DICK! Some has been my fault and some beyond my control. But I have never onced thought about killing my self or using some mind altering substance to ease the pain.

My parents didn't want kids, they didn't even want to be with eachother so I started out on the wrong foot to begin with. And proceded to go down hill from there.

When I was young, the elementary years I was a very bitter child. There was a long period where I didn't want to exist. I didn't want to die I just didn't want to exist, after all no one really wanted me, so what's the point I felt like I was a burden just taking up space, thanks dad! Those feelings peaked when I was about 10, and by peaked I mean I had reached new levels of acting out. Flying into blind rages and knocking every desk and book shelf over in my class room was becoming a daily ritual. I can remember the tremendous release that it gave me I really felt like I was exploding in the literal sence and for those brief moments I could careless what my punishment would be I just wanted to get all the anger out. Now looking back this doesn't seem like very health behaivor even to me but I really believe it was better that bottling it all up inside. Dad was naturally... well pissed, thought I would say concered didn't you? Well you don't know my dad. I had embarrassed him because the school was concerned and scared so they told my father that I could not return for another year unless I got professional help.

This lead to a couple of years of different psychologists, which ended when I was a teenager when my stepmonster at the time decided she needed therapy more than I did. Didn't help dad still left her. Turns out I just needed time and maturity to understand the real problem. Deep deep emotional trama from 18 years of being a burden.

Karen has remarked many times that it's amazing that I never turned out like some of my friends. I had never thought about it like that, she was right. By all means I should have ended up down the same path as my bestfriend. But I didn't and as far as I'm concerned when you are so depressed that you don't want to even have ever existed that's the bottom. Most people that are suicidal want to end the pain. My pain was so bad that I wanted to have never been born. Killing myself wasn't going to solve anything. Taking drugs wasn't going to change anything.

Junior high was better, infact in school at least I was like just about everyone else I was picked on but that's normal, I was fairly imune to that abuse after what I had already been through. Plus for the most part I was alone Dad worked nights a lot and the stepmonster at the time had her own thing going on, my sister wisely bailed out at fourteen and went to live with our mother. So other than not eating on a regular basis I could have the house to my self to be alone with my thoughts.

High school was even better by then people weren't all that inerested in status, so much as getting laid. Plus with a birth day in April I had my drivers license in the 10th grade, so when the house wasn't empty I could be alone with my thoughts on the road. But most importantly I found a disfunctional new family to join so that helped. For a while.

to be continued.

Some times there's just so much bouncing around in my head it is nearly impossible to organize them into comprehesible thoughts, some times they're just so clear the spill out so fast I can barely spell anything correctly, and if anyone is actually reading any of this you know I can't be bothered to check spelling on anything anyway.

Today I was reading the news as I do every day and I read a story about a woman in South Korea that through stem cell research has been able to walk for the first time in 20 years and I felt good for about five seconds before the idiotic words of Laura Bush creeped out of their hiding place in my head. You see several months ago durring the election she sought to back up her even more empty headed husbands claim that stem cell research was a waste of money with the following quote. "It isn't fair to give those people false hope."

Why do I continue to need to justify my hatred of people like this when this information is out there for all to judge? It seems that no matter how much good science does for mankind there's always someone ready to shit on it. These simpletons still seem to think that all scientists are mad scientists bent on world domination., perhaps projecting their own personalities on people of science. Let me tell you something I know a few people with advanced science degrees, they are definately not in it for the money or the glory because like god and the easter bunny they don't exist. I make more money than most people with advanced science degrees. You really have to want to help people to spend your life working in a field that is constantly scrutinised satarized and over all looked down apon.

The problem as always boils down to this continued delusion, sorry mass delusional belief in an invisible friend in the sky. Look even I tend to have a melt down when pondering the orgins of the universe but I would never cop out and blame the whole mess on a supreme being, burrito or what ever. Most of you can't even understand the concept of flight.

At least these people blame god for everything in their lives good, bad, whatever. But try and think wholistaclly for a moment. You know that time you walked into traffic and nearly got run down but the car missed you? Well in this country alone at the very same time you were missed statistacally a couple of people did the same thing and weren't so fortunate. So don't go thinking god has some great plan for you so he keeps you alive dispite your idiocy. That kind of thinking is what gave the world Nazi's. The fact is you were lucky that's all.

I've nearly been killed more times that I can count now, and in most cases it was my fault. That's how you learn trial and a lot of error. I've been shot at at least three times that I can remember and lucky for me they all missed. Wheather it was luck, or maybe just poor marksmenship I would never be so arogant to think that god is keeping me alive to save the rest of you assholes.

It just seems so sad to me to think of all the accomplishments each of us make in our short lifetimes and most people can't take credit for their own work. God didn't hit that home run you did, probably with the help of steriods but still there's nothing devine.

maybe it's just me.

No really, looking back I always did but I really didn't say anything till I was sixteen and of course I got in trouble for saying so.

I never really believed in the whole god thing, oddly enough when I was young I had no problem with the Easter bunny or Santa Claus, probably because you got something from each of them but that cheap bastard god never gave out presents or chocolate, or even a lousy multicolored egg. The god concept just didn't make any sense to me. After all I was responsible for my own actions, if I was good I was rewarded if I was bad I was punished, pretty simple concept really. Everything else I just accepted were out of my control and really relied on radom chance or the like.

Going along those lines praying was never something I participated in. It was kind of silly I thought to give thanks, beg, praise, something that didn't exist. Which creates quite a conflict when you're a kid. You look to the adults in your life for guideance and when they are doing something that seems silly, or stupid it makes you question their authority. When your a kid you play with imaginary friends or advesaries always knowing they don't exist, hense it becomes silly as you get older. So if you don't exactly buy into the whole god thing you wonder why the hell the adults are worshipping something that obviously doesn't exist.

This of course leads to the fact that I don't really get along with most of my family. I mean none of them ever touched me where my bathing suit covered or anything dramatic like that, it's just that most of them are not very likeable people. I don't have anything in common with them, (in fact I question the genetic link sometimes), so spending Christmas, a holiday a I hate, with my family, people I dispise, really doesn't make sense.

Christmas of 1984 was pretty much the end for me. Dad who I may have mentioned really doesn't like me all that much and for some reason by the time I hit sixteen his tolerance for my existance had faded dramatically, this was also the same year he let me know that if I was to move out and never contact him again it would be peachy. But this Christmas I had to work so I showed up late for the family thing and no one really noticed that I hadn't been there so I left, when the parents came home dad asked what I thought of this Christmas, and stupid me I was honest and said that it had lost some of it's "magic", which was true if your a male teenager and you still think Christmas is keen then your flaming gay, or a brain damaged born again Christian. So the Stepmonster bursts into tears, seems I have now ruined her Christmas. Dad turns pink and makes it clear I've now ruined everyone's Christmas and I'm left wondering why it's so great being honest about your feelings. As a side not three days later I totaled my car, which used to be my dads car and from that moment on he hated my very existance.

But that's the past which I try to some sucess not to dwell on. The on going reason I hate this time of year has mostly to do with the commercialism, Tom Lerrer wrote the perfect carol that explains this seek it out won't you? And the biggy would be the fact that people for some reason think that they should be nice to each other on Christmas, it's like I hate you for ______ the rest of the year but it's Christmas so for the next 24 hours I will put up with you and wish you well but watch out tomorrow buddy.

There are endless other smaller reasons, but I have found over the past few years that if I avoid the holidays, no parties no decorations no tree it's far easier to enjoy.

maybe it's just me.

I'm certainly not happy about the outcome but I damn glad it's over. While I know there are at least 50% of you out there fuming and I know I should be one of them I'm not. You see as far as I'm concerned we're just passing through, geologically speaking we don't even register as even being here. So in the case of yesterdays election history will be the judge not us.

How does it feel knowing now you don't matter? Doesn't bother me. Our intelligence is both good and a curse. As a species we have some how made our selves the center of the Universe through the pure art of rationalization. What's worse is there is sort of a trickle down effect to this. The population of this planet thinks we're the most important in the universe, the people of nearly every religion thinks theirs is the best in the Universe. The population of most nations think they're the best on the planet, and of course each one of us thinks they're better then everyone else.

Now because of all this yesterday President Butthead got a second term. Why? Because he and a number of other delusional nut balls think he has a devine mandate from some invisible friend in the sky to rule over all of us and spread "freedom" (read supression under their idealogical beliefs) to the rest of the poor godless planet. Look it's fairly obvious that I hold no religious beliefs and while I do fault the rest of you for having them I completely understand it's your right to have them. But that's where it ends, in other words keep it to yourself!

The one thing I can't understand is how I was able to come to this conclusion in my misspent youth, while those seemingly smarter than I didn't. I re-exam it quite often trying to determine what I'm missing yet I never once came close to a different conclusion. I can see that it would be nice to have an invisible friend in the sky watching over you but it's just as silly as Santa Clause, not to mention the creepy factor. You really want somebody watching you screwing, taking a crap and other private functions? Plus according to most of the dogma no matter what your education level or what you aspire to "the almighty" has a plan specific to you and you can't change it. Fuck that, I have a plan, well not really unless not having plan is a plan but I think I may be getting off track with that one. At any rate as I have always seen it people are as good or bad, strong or helpless, as they allow them selves to be. It isn't some all seeing all knowing being that makes you live in that trailer with the drunk boyfriend that beats the crap out of you daily its you! If you want to be somebody else change your mind, as the song says.

I guess the whole point of this rambling piece is after yesterday I wonder can we, have we gone too far in a bad direction to turn back? There are times when I want to give up on this planet and wait for that next asteroid to finish us off so nature can start again I occasionally see a glimmer of hope.

Maybe it's just me.