What color are the trees in my world

It's hard to get mad anymore, anyone that knows me will remember that I had quite a temper when I was young. My outburst were quite legendary. Anyone that has been reading the occasional posts that I have put up here can probably figure out the cause of my early stress.

As I enter my thirtyeighth year I have noticed that I just can't do it anymore. Currently my life has entered a new phase of drama that in the past would have had me acting out.

I just don't have it in me anymore. So where does that leave me? I'm not sure. All I want is some stabilty in my life. Something to ground me, give me persective. I thought I had it but now it's gone and where does it leave me? I don't know.

The hell that is my life has always been something to learn from and grow, but how long does that have to continue? I know we all grow constantly through life but I'm really looking forward to a time when I can stop having the really painful life lessons. Really now I think I've had my fair share now.

I guess when you go through long stages of contentment you forget about the pain that still lives somewhere deep inside, then something brings it out and in this case I have to relive everything that has built that thing that lives in me.

So now I'm heading back into a dark place that I had hoped I'd left behind a long time ago. I'm scared.

Survival isn't a problem, the life that I have had, if anything has put me in a place where I can get through some really rough stuff.

To quote a Rush song I just want "One Little Victory".

I guess the point is I used to find some relief in a blind outburst of rage, but now it just seems futile and pointless, but what does that leave me? How do I release the stress now? Where do I go from here. I want to get mad but I can't I just don't have a reason.

Maybe it's just me.

I find I don't have the energy I used to. Well okay to tell the trueth at my last job I had a lot more spare time and constant acess to a computer to write when I had the inspiration.

F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "there are no second acts in Amercan lives." Which explains a lot about his personality. By the way I'm convinced that quotes like this aren't as spontanious as the author would have you believe, they're always just way too convienent. But that's not my point. If you have been reading the bulk of what I complain about here you should have noticed that I have had several acts to my American life.

I suppose that's why I'm so inpatient with the rest of the world, don't get me wrong I don't pretend to think for a minute that my life was the worst but it has been pretty shitty at times. Judge from the reactions I get from people when I talk about my past, their reactions range from complete disbelief, to "he's just embelishing". It's definately worse that most. So knowing that I have always used my self as a guage to see wheather or not somebody has reason enough to blame their fucked up behaivor on their past, and in just about every case it doesn't seem they should.

I could be like most a feel sorry for my self and blame everyone else I can for my situation, and well honestly I'm human so I do spread some blame around, cause it makes me feel better... YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?!? Sorry, my point being is that pretty much from the moment I was kicked out into the world I was now responsible for every moment and change in my life.

And let me tell you I've made some dumb mistakes in the past twenty years, but I made it and I think I'm okay, at least I hope so anyway. I tried to go to college but it's really hard to work go to school eat, survive. And yes I know that people are doing it everyday, Karen finished her degree under quite a load of life and lived to tell about it. But I couldn't do it. I was just overwelmed and really lacked direction. Film school would have been nice but I just didn't see a way into USC on my budget.

My father constantly told me that I needed to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life starting in the seventh grade. So I started panicing about it when I was 13 years old. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. Honestly I still don't, and I'm really down with Peter Gibbons idea of doing nothing. But that's another story. But because of the threat of my inpending adulthood I figured I would take typing which as you can read here I can count that as one sucess in my life thank you very much. By the way my typing teacher, dead, he died durring my second semester. I'm reasonably sure it had nothing to do with me.

But that whole typing thing turned out to be a great idea, one of few I made in my young life. Because it has kept me employed in several different industies over my life.

So when ever I got fired or laid off from a job I could start a new act. Saddly I have to admit that it has happened to me enough in life that it is not so scarry anymore. But each time it was the start of a new act.

What I found interesting is that while I may be doomed to a life of perpetual middle class I'm okay with that. Because it's certainly true that the more you have the more you have to loose.

Some of you spend years in college for one specific job or industry work in that field for years and thanks to our free market economy get fucked when your job either becomes obsolete or outsourced to somebody in a third world country because he or she will do it for fifty cents an hour verses your fiftythousand a year, then what happens? You're now filled with a skill set that doesn't mean shit to anyone how will you support your lifestyle? Well your either going to switch gears and start over or step infront of a Metrolink train in the Valley, by the way todays LA Times had a fantastic map showing where all the suicides have occurred along the route, hate to die in the same place as some other fool, right?

Maybe my plan is based mostly in fear but I'd rather be concerned with suddenly finding my self living in the great out doors for the rest of my life then, ending up that way. I know life is all about taking chances but how many chances can you take before you get burned, believe me and you should I think I'm running low on lives right about now.

Take my current situation after nearly twelve years of dedicated but weird service my former employer let me go last year. Which I can say was not a smart decision since Really would have stayed there till I died. I'm a dedicated worked but I had no ambision there they were paying me enough for the job and supporting my life style so they wouldn't have to be going through what they are now, but hey if that's what they wanted. Lucky for me I saw the writing on the wall and applied to my current employer which may not be the most challenging job, and let me tell you I took a major pay cut but in the end I now have better retirement benefits and I will be making good money again in not time so it's worth the stress.

So here I am in yet another act in my life hopefully it will work out and take me through to the end of the story but if not there's always another.

Maybe it's just me.

So I've been busy switching jobs and all. But I guess I'm still alive. Right now I'm working at my old employer trying to get my replacement up to speed.

Let's talk about something I've only touched on here and there. Karen, she is the most important person in my life and I just can't say enough about her. In the past I heard some rumblings about her "influence" over me, which is just silly. First it's just not true, but most importantly it's impossible. Come on if 12 years of school couldn't control or change me how the hell could a woman?

I've had four girlfriends in my life each was a learning experience. The first one Karen's sister, a story we'll get into another time was first and great till she demanded marriage, five children, and a personal relationship with Jesus. That's where I learned that you can't make a relationship work when you have aposing view points, and anyone that has read what I've written here knows my views on children, marriage and religion.

Next was Katrina II she was shall we say different, our problem was personalitywise we had identical moodswings. There were clashes and she ended up leaving me for a dork that looked like Julienne Lennon, worst part was I saw it coming.

Then Kris, she had potential but her complete refusal to deal with real life was frustrating and ultimately destructive. Well that and she couldn't keep other guys from apperently accidentally screwing her and then lying about it afterwards.

Karen was an accidental relationship. I was still in touch with her mom after I broke up with her sister and one day when I was calling to talk to the mother I got Karen and we had quite a nice conversation, then more and more and slowly we discovered that we sharted quite a few interests and view points and all I needed to do was show her how much money she would save on college if she moved to California. That was over eleven years ago. And while we have had our rough spots as all relationships go through we are quite happy today.

To be continued...

SOMETIMES, you seen I have nagging worries about everything, the price of gas, what the hell is going to happen when I get old. These things never leave my mind for a moment and can some times be overwelming.

Stupid people on the other hand just go through life not worried about anything, mostly because they have no idea what is going on around them and in some cases in their own lives. So in that way I would like to not worry, and I can sometimes but I have force my self.

This is why I have always read the last page of a book or sought out the end of a movie or the resolution of a cliff hanger in a television show. I just can't take the pressure of worrying about the outcome. Speaking of such there was this silly show on in the mid seventies called Cliff Hanger that three separate stories that ran durring the hour and each week it would end with a cliff hanger. Well the show was cancelled before the last episode aired so we never found out if the chick became a vampire, but lucking for me the twenty some year mystery can finally be solved I found a website that sells the entire run of the show on dvd including the last episode that never aired in the United States. So finally one off the endless list of things that keep me up at night.

Stupid people believe that if they buy $100 worth of lotto tickets they'll have a better chance at winning than my $1 ticket. Obviously these people are to sharp in the math relm. Karen thinks I'm nuts for even "wasting" two four dollars a week on tickets but she won't be saying that when I win damn it. Of course until that unlikely event happens I'm the idiot I know. But at least I'm not spending more than four dollars that's something right?

Stupid people appear to be living beyond their means lately, which ordinarily would bother me but they're the assholes that are driving up the price of homes. I can't wait for this whole thing to fall back in on them. Just watch next time you're out in public at a department store or Best Buy or, and I can't believe this is happening but I've seen it eating fast food people are using their credit cards for everything. Which of course is because they can't afford their house and car payments on the money they make.

Now I'm all for credit but it's something you do foolishly in your twenties, maybe into your early thirties. Past that if you're still living on your credit cards then your an idiot. It took me years to pay off my debt which was larger than it should have been but not as bad as most, infact I'd still be chipping away at it if I hadn't have gotten laid off earlier this year. That gave me access to enough money to pay off all my outstanding debt with the exception of my Jeep. Again another off the list of things that kept me up at night. I can't tell you how good it feels to not owe so much money to so many undeserving people.

Stupid people just filed for bankruptsy every few years but the dipshit in the White house put an end to that recently. The new law makes it nearly impossible to erase debt even if you've got a good reason. Oh unless you're a big corporation then you can stll fuck everyone out of the money you owe them. I'm looking forward to what happens after the new law goes into effect, again the way I see people using their credit cards like it's free money is just insane.

This is what I see happening the housing market will stall and retreat some, the idiots with all the debt will now not only not be able to barrow more against their over valued huvles, they will have to pay back all the money they've already taken out since most lending institutions are not going to be too keen on hold paper on a house that isn't worth a quarter of what they've paid out. A fourclosure bonanza will insue further driving down the market closer to where it should be and there I'll be laughing my ass off at the people that end up moving back in with their parents.

maybe it's just me.

So it hit me recently that my twentith almost graduated from high school thing is next year. At least I hope it is. I passed on the ten year thing, why the hell would I want to see any of those people so soon. But you know it's been twenty years now and old wonds have healed, and I think I'm past all that and ready to move on... You're not buying any of this are you?

Alright so I'm interested in going to see how poorly everyone else has aged. I've kept in touch with so few of my fellow classmates. Not like any of them have been trying to break down my door trying to locate me either. Not like I'm that hard to find I'm alway in the top 5 when you google my handle. But apart from a modest weight gain I look the same as I did when I almost graduated back in 86, and from what I've seen from a few fellow classmates that remain local they have not aged too well. By the way I'm also counting on my new job at Edison to take care of a portion of the weight gain. But just in case how much is lipo again?

There are many differences between me and my fellow classmates. In the last twenty years I have done nothing that ages me such as marry or reproduce. Let me tell you that reproducing thing is hell especially on women. I certainly haven't taken too many things seriously in the past twenty years.

Once I realized that my career was going no where I re-evaluated that and all the grey hair that was showing up went away.

It will sure make catching up with anyone that asked easy. "So what have you been up to since high school?" Well remember what I was doing when you last saw me? Well that's pretty much what I'm doing now.

I really wasn't all that vested in high school anyway. I had no idea what I wanted to do when I got out and I had a pretty good idea college was out of the question so I had a hard time aplying any effort. Plus I was really bored anyhow and since most of my friends at the time were five or more years older than me I had plenty of other things to do.

I was only 22 and 1/2 credits short to graduate with a whopping 1.56 gpa as I recall class position was 564 out of 700+ which means that many people did far shittier than I, that's scary. I did end up getting the GED and incase you are interested my lowest score on the test was a 54 in math, I'm not too sure of the scale but according to the paper work I got passing was in the 40's and the averages graduating high school senior scored 46 in each portion so I aced the shit out that test. When I took it they gave you six and half hours for the whole test I finished in three. Like I said "Damn I'm smooth."

I've often wondered what would have happened if I had the chance to go to college. But then reality kicks in and I realize there's no degree for cult deprogramming and hostage negociations my true passions. I did learn that from high school that if you're not interested in... wait let's clarify if I'm not that interested in the subject I'm just not going to do that well. Plus I lacked direction. I guess I could have gone after art but that got shot down, no body was going to pay for art center college of design. History was my other subject but there's no money in that. In case you're wondering I make more now that all three of my friends that have their PHd's. Life's funny that way. One of my friends from high school called it back then when he said the following. "I'm going to spend the next eight years of my life studying for a PHD and you're just going to stumble into a job and end up making more money than me." Damn I'm smooth. He called it, back then even I didn't believe it.

You know that's one of the main reasons I worry that some day my luck could run out. No matter how shitty life's been to me I've always gotten by and I'd really like that to continue if it's not too much trouble.

So given this time o' reflection twenty years on now. I'm doing okay. I'm starting a new job that hopefully will secure my later years. I have a roof over my head, the Jeep I've always wanted. Soon I will have my Rockford car, and I've got more dvd's that you can shake a stick at what ever the hell that means. So you know what? Yeah, damn I'm smooth.

Maybe it's just me.