Scoutmamma Sez

There has been a lot going on in my corner of the world and unfortunately it hasn't been all good. The story of the professional scouter pleading guilty of child porn makes me ill. I guess a good thing is that he wasn't directly involved with children with his job. That's NOT the way I want publicity for the scouts. Then Todd found out yesterday that a parent committed suicide. He was a "troublemaker". The wife left him and he was an alleged wife beater. He'd cause trouble in one pack and then go to another. Then he'd get them mad and go back to the other pack. This wasn't in Matthew's pack but another one in Todd's district. Just a tough thing that he has to deal with. He's going to the funeral today.

Melanie doesn't feel well. At least, she didn't seem to feel well yesterday. She seemed warm to me and was clingy. She would spit out the tylenol when I tried to give it to her. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. Sometimes she'd perk up but then I couldn't put her down last night. I think she slept 10 minutes in her crib. The rest of the time I was holding her. Then she'd try to get comfortable which is hard to do when you're in a chair and she's 2. I would've taken her to our bed but Michael was already in there. Needless to say, neither of us got a good night's sleep. Now I'm biting people's heads off and being short tempered. Sigh. I hope she takes a great nap and feels better this afternoon. Great.....now Todd just called and said he can't find our Medieval Times tickets. We are supposed to take Michael there for his birthday. SIGH.

One good thing......Matthew. He brought home his report card yesterday. He made the A-B honor roll. He got a good citizen certificate. His teachers asked him to be on the student council. They wrote nice things about him in the comment section on his report card. I think the best thing was that HE was proud of himself. He should be.

That makes me feel better. Sure, there is some awful stuff going on right now, but there is some good stuff too. I just might have to look a little harder for it today.

I was watching my boys have a pillow fight this morning (and Melanie right in the middle of it) and having a great time. They were laughing and playing together and they weren't in front of the tv. I got to thinking, "when was the last time I had a belly laugh like that?" If I can't remember, then it's been too long. Sometimes I get so focused on being the parent that I forget to have a little fun along the way. I'm too busy picking up this, cleaning that, and saying No. Now those things are necessary but so is having fun. I don't want my kids to look back at their childhood and remember me yelling all the time or saying "Pick up" or "Not right now. I need to do this first" I hope they would look back and know that there was structure with love.

I think I'm going to put down the iron and the cleaner and step away from the computer for a few minutes. I think we need to color some Easter eggs.

I hope you laugh like a child today. I'm going to try, too.

I probably should save this entry for a couple of weeks from now. However it has been on my mind lately so I figured I would go ahead and write. It's that time of the year. I'll probably be busy on the actual day - which is alright with me.

April 12 will be the 6 year anniversary of the delivery of my stillborn twins. I can't believe that is 6 years. I think about what they would have been like. They would be finishing up the first grade. Would they have been in Girl Scouts? What would they have enjoyed? Would they have been girly girls or tomboys or one of each? Sometimes I still wonder what went "wrong". Why did I carry them for 7 months only to lose them? Was there something wrong with ME? One of them, Megan, seemed to have some complications. She is the twin with some extra fluid in her (never really understood that) and one of her little feet was turned inward. Would she have been a special needs child? Would I not have been able to handle a special needs child? I don't think I could. I freak when my kids throw up. How would I have been able to handle a child who needed extra care? Twins are such hard work. I have a hard enough time with my kids spread out. Would I have been able to handle two infants at the same time? Is that why they didn't survive? I wouldn't have been a good enough Mom? I just feel that way sometimes. There are times when I don't feel like a good enough mom to my living children. I guess I'll never know. I wish there were some cut and dry answers. There aren't. Sometimes I wish that I could of had the chance to find out how I would have handled it.

Now I am so thankful for the children I do have. Matthew, my first, is just a neat kid. I'm really enjoying watching him grow up. Oh, sure, sometimes he's just SO TEN, but all in all just a nice kid. Michael, the one born almost exactly a year after the twins, is just.....Michael. He can be so strong willed and loud. There were times I wasn't sure I would like him when he was a baby. He screamed so much. Now he is so much better and can make me laugh. Oh, he's still strong willed, mind you, but he's growing up too.I love it when he'll just hug me and say "I love you" for no reason. Then there is Melanie, my little girl. I think of her as my bonus prize. I was content with my boys and didn't feel the need to have a girl - or another baby for that matter. Then came the positive HPT and what a surprise that was. I just knew Melanie would be a she. I knew with all of my pregnancies what the sex was. Anyway, she is so different from the boys and just so sweet. {ask me again when we hit puberty! :o) } She's fairly easy going and loves her brothers and they love her.

Even though I'm feeling the loss of Melissa and Megan more intensely right now, I feel so blessed. I have three loving, living children in my life.

I feel better having writing this and getting it out. Perhaps now I can honor their memory and cherish what I have instead of mourn what I don't have. Oh, I'll always mourn them but it seems a little less intense now. Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel guilty for not thinking of them and then sometimes I feel bad for thinking of them so much.

Take the time to hug your child(ren) and/or a loved one today. Tell them that you love them. Do something nice unexpectedly. Have a Blessed Day!

Matthew went to the orthodontist today. He got a few of the metal brackets on his teeth. He didn't get the full set. They seem to do braces in phases these days. He still has the device across the roof of his mouth. Seeing his teeth remind me of when I had braces. Oh, I was so awkward. I was in 7th grade and had a mouth full of braces and big glasses and just felt so different from everyone else. I really wasn't different but that is how I felt. I had friends but was still picked on by others. It's funny. The ones that picked on me were the church "friends". I didn't really have a problem in school. I wasn't really picked on there. You would think the church kids would have been nicer and more accepting but they weren't. Matthew doesn't seem to have a problem fitting in. Perhaps it is because he's in the 4th grade. I'm sure there are cliques in any grade but I haven't noticed any with him. He seems nice and friendly to everyone. He's like his dad. Perhaps he has a better self image than I did. I just don't know. Maybe boys, in general, have a better self image than girls. It sure seems that way. I'm sure they have some "issues" but nothing like the girls. I'm sure it will be different with Melanie, in this respect, than it will be with Matthew and Michael. I'm sure the teen age years will be one amazing roller coaster ride.

Taking a deep breath.......here I go! My first official blog entry. I have read other blogs and have really enjoyed them. I wonder if I would ever have anything interesting to write. Maybe on some days. I have never had confidence in my writing and wonder about having others read it.

I'll start with an introduction and try to keep it brief. I am a stay at home mom to three children. The oldest is Matthew - born 11-24-94. I then was pregnant with twins and they were stillborn on 4-12-99 at 7 months gestation. Then came Michael who was born 4-1-00. Our last child, Melanie, was born 1-14-03. I have been married to my husband Todd since 1-5-91. He is my best friend as well as my husband.

We now live in FL and are really enjoying it. We made a major life/job change a year ago. Todd left the family business to work for the Boy Scouts and that was the best decision we ever made. It wasn't easy but it was necessary.

I hope that I will have something to contribute in my writings. Some entries may just be babble and others may be food for thought. I'm timidly putting my toe into the waters of blogging and giving it a try. Perhaps I'll be able to dive right in very soon.