Fade in.

We are back on the bridge of the Satellite of Love. The bridge is a shambles and the only light is coming from several flashlights. Two of them have been taped to Crow's head and he is looking into an open panel on the wall. Joel has crawled halfway into the opening. Tom Servo and Gypsy are looking on.

Crow: Gee Joel, I said I was sorry. I guess I just got carried away.

Joel: (From inside of hole) Crow, I'm going to deal with you later. Right now I have to get the emergency power on before we run out of air or before the gyros fail and we fall into the atmosphere and burn up!

Joel: Ah! Here it is!

There is a loud CLICK and the lights come back on. Air can be heard rushing through a vent. Joel climbs out of the panel and goes to stand by the vent, breathing deeply.

Crow: Whew. Glad that's over with!

Joel: Not so fast Crow. The emergency power supply will only last for so long. We've got to get another power source before then or it's all over for us!

Tom Servo: (Sarcastic) Maybe we can put Crow here on a treadmill Joel. Or do something with some of his hot air...

Crow: Why you little...

Joel: OK you two. We're in trouble, but arguing with each other about it won't help us any. Gypsy, how much emergency power do we have?

Gypsy: About six hours Joel.

Joel: That isn't much.

Tom Servo: Hey, why don't we turn off any unnecessary equipment to save power. We could start with Crow's mouth.

Crow: Then we'll turn off your brain Tom. No one would notice the difference.

Tom Servo: Why you... You...

The two robots move towards each other and Joel moves to intercept them. Suddenly, lights begin flashing...

Joel: Ahhh! We've got game sign! Gypsy! See if you can shut down any unnecessary equipment until we can get back out here again. OK?

Gypsy: Sure thing Joel. (Wanders off humming) Dum-de-de-de de dum de-de-de...

Joel: Come on you guys, lets gooooo.....

They rush out once again. The camera zooms back through the doors and we see them retaking their places as the game starts up again.

The members of AVALANCHE have all gotten off the train and are now standing around on the platform. They gather around Barrett as he calls.

Barrett: Yo!! Get over here, all ya!

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who won't come listen to Mr. T!

Barrett: This mission was a success, but don't get lazy now! The hard part's still to come! Don't y'all be scared of that explosion 'cause the next one's gonna be bigger than that!

Crow: Yeah, you wish.

Barrett: Meet back at the hideout! Move out!

The scene cuts to the outside of the bar "The Seventh Heaven".

Tom Servo:Tonight... on the WB... on a very special episode of Seventh Heaven
Joel: Seventh Heaven... I wonder what happened to the first through sixth heavens?
Crow: Probably turned into a Starbucks.
Joel: Yeah, probably.

Barrett runs into the bar and chases the patrons out. The AVALANCHE members enter the bar. Cloud follows them.

Crow: (Walter Winchel voice) Chicago: Prohibition: Elliot Ness and his Untouchables shut down another illegal bar run by Al Capone and his gang...

Inside, a woman (Tifa) walks up to Cloud. A small girl runs forward then, seeing Cloud, runs to the back of the bar.

Tifa: (Looking at the girl) Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to Cloud?

Crow: No! Not till he brings me a present!

Tifa: (Turning to Cloud) Welcome home Cloud. Looks like everything went well. Did you fight with Barrett?

Cloud: Not this time.

Tifa: Hmm. You've grown up. When you were little you used to get into fights at the drop of a hat.

Joel: Well, it was my favorite hat!

Tifa suddenly notices the flower that Cloud is carrying

Tifa: Flowers? How nice! You almost never see them here in the slums.

Tom Servo: (Singing) Where have all the flowers gone, long time passing...

Cloud gives the flower to Tifa.

Tifa: A flower for me? Oh Cloud, you shouldn't have...

Cloud: No big...

Crow: Oh really? Well... Never mind then...

Tifa: Thank you Cloud. It smells wonderful. Maybe I should fill the store with flowers.

Tom Servo: Sure. Nothing improves the ambiance for a bunch of hardened alcoholics like a roomful of flowers.

Wedge: Ahh! Nothing like the first drink after a job. Hic

Joel: You've just blown up the reactor and saved the planet for a few more days. Now, it's Miller Time...

Wedge: (To Cloud) Why don't you have one too?

Cloud: Yeah, why not?

Wedge: Oh! That's more like it! Even if you were with SOLDIER, you're still a rookie here, so you'd better listen to whatever I tell you! Hic

Tom Servo: One word... Plastics!

Wedge: Oh... Don't tell Barrett what I just said.

Cloud looks around again and goes to leave the bar. As he does so, Barrett crashes through the entrance, knocking him down.

Crow: ...and Cloud is down for a loss on the AVALANCHE 30 yard line!

Marlene: (Excited) Papa! Welcome home!

Barrett picks up Marlene and places her on his shoulder.

Tifa: You all right, Barrett?

Barrett: Great! Get in here, fools! We're starting the meeting!

Joel: The Rotary Club meets here too?

Barrett punches the pinball machine which causes it and a section of flooring to descend like an elevator. Biggs, Wedge and Jessie all descend after him. Cloud walks through the now empty room back to the bar where Tifa is standing.

Tifa: Sit down. How about something to drink?

Cloud: Give me something hard.

Tom Servo: (Bad British accent) Shaken, not stirred...
Crow: And don't forget the little umbrella this time!

Tifa: Just a minute. I'll make one for you.

Tifa mixes a drink which she gives to Cloud. She then sits down next to him.

Tifa: You know, I'm relieved you made it back safely.

Cloud: (Suspicious) What's with you all of a sudden? That wasn't even a tough job.

Tifa: (Looks away) I guess not. You were in SOLDIER.

Crow: SOLDIER! Yay!

Cloud tosses back his drink and sets the glass down, then stands up.

Tifa: Make sure you get your pay from Barrett

Cloud: Don't worry. Once I get that money, I'm outta here!

Joel: That and the chain saw he borrowed from me.

Tifa: (Concerned) Cloud, are you feeling all right?

Cloud: ...yeah, why?

Tifa: No reason. You just look a little tired, I guess. You'd better go down below.

Joel: (Whispering) Unknown to Cloud, we've been replacing his coffee with decaffeinated Folger's Crystals...

Cloud goes to the pinball machine and rides the elevator down to the secret hideout. Barrett, Jessie, Biggs and Wedge are all here. Barrett is punching a punching bag and Jessie is working on a computer console. A television monitor runs in one corner.

Tom Servo: (Serious) This is CNN.

Television: ......today the No.1 Reactor was bombed. The terrorist group AVALANCHE has claimed responsibility for the bombing. It is expected that AVALANCHE will continue its reign of terror. But citizens of Midgar.... there is no need to fear.

Tom Servo: Underdog is here!

Television: I have immediately mobilized SOLDIER to protect our citizenry against this senseless violence. Thank you and good night.

Joel: ...and God bless.

Jessie: Oops...

Jessie: Hey, look at the news! What a blast! Think it was all because of my bomb? But all I really did was just make it like the computer told me!

Joel: Yeah? If the computer told you to jump off a cliff, would you do that too?

Jessie: Oh no! I must've made a miscalculation somewhere.

Barrett: Yo, Cloud! There's somethin' I wanna ask ya.

Crow: He asked me! He asked me!

Barrett: Was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?

Cloud: None. I'm positive.

Barrett: You sound pretty sure.

Joel: Positive, in fact.

Cloud: If there was anyone from SOLDIER you wouldn't be standing here now.

Barrett: Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes cuz you was in SOLDIER.

Tom Servo: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.

Cloud : .....

Barrett: Yeah, you're strong. Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are. But, don't forget, your skinny ass's working for AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' on to ShinRa.

Crow: Skinny ass? Hey! These are Buns of Steel!

Cloud: Staying with ShinRa? You asked me a question and I answered it... that's all. I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money.

Barrett: Shucks!! ....money....

Tom Servo: Show me the money! SHOW ME THE...
Joel: I think we've pretty much run that one into the ground, Tom.

Cloud goes to the elevator to ascend and meets Tifa who has just ridden down on it.

Tifa: Wait Cloud!

Barrett: Tifa! Let him go! Looks like he still misses the ShinRa.

Joel: No, but I still haven't given up on a Van Halen reunion.

Cloud: Shut up! I don't care about either ShinRa or SOLDIER. But, don't get me wrong, I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet for that matter!

Biggs: ...Cloud. You say you don't care, but you came to talk to me. You just want friends. Isn't that right?

Cloud: Blow off!

Biggs: Yeah, well. You look kind of lonely to me. If you ever got anything you want to get off your chest, you can always talk to me.

Crow: Uh-oh. I think Biggs is about to come out of the closet...
Tom Servo: Apparently AVALANCHE has a don't ask, don't tell policy.

Cloud gets on the elevator and rides back up to the main part of the bar. Tifa follows him.

Tifa: Listen, Cloud. I'm asking you. Please join us.

Crow and Tom Servo: (Together) Join us! Join us!

Cloud: Sorry Tifa...

Tifa: The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something.

Cloud: So let Barrett and his buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me.

Joel: Hey. Wouldn't "Barrett and his Buddies" be a good name for a rock band?
Tom Servo: Erm... No.
Joel: Oh. Just asking.

Cloud moves to leave.

Tifa So! You're really leaving!? You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend!?

Cloud: What......? How can you say that!

Tifa: You forgot the promise, too.

Cloud: Promise?

Joel: Parkay...

Tifa looks away...

Tifa So you did forget. Remember Cloud? It was seven years ago...

Tom Servo: Seven Years... In Tibet

Cloud looks up and the camera pans up to show the stars.

Crow: Hey! What happened to the roof?

The camera pans down again to show Tifa and Cloud are standing beside a well.

Tifa: Look, the well. Do you remember?

Cloud: (Nodding) Yeah... back then. I thought you would never come and I was getting a little cold.

Joel: Actually it turned out to be the flu...

The camera pans up to the well. Cloud and Tifa, as children, appear. Young Cloud is sitting on the edge of the well. Young Tifa appears and climbs up beside him.

Tifa: Sorry I'm late.

Tom Servo: Only fourteen and she's already making her dates wait.
Joel: Probably had trouble deciding what shoes to wear to a well...

Tifa: You said you wanted to talk to me about something?

Cloud: Come this spring... I'm leaving this town for Midgar.

Tifa: ... All the boys are leaving our town.

Joel: Which definitely improves the dating scene for those of us still here....

Cloud: But I'm different from all of them. I'm not just going to find a job. (Standing) I want to join SOLDIER.

Crow: SOLDIER! Yay!

Cloud: I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth.

Tifa: Sephiroth... The Great Sephiroth.

Joel: Not to be confused with the Mediocre Sephiroth or the Only Fairly Good Sephiroth.

Cloud climbs to the top of the well and looks up at the sky.

Tom Servo: I can see my house from here!

Tifa: Isn't it hard to join SOLDIER?

Crow: Hey, it's hard just thinking about it!
Joel: Crow!

Cloud: I probably won't be able to come back to the town for a while.

Tifa waves at Cloud where he is standing at the top of the well.

Cloud: ...huh?

Tifa: Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?

Cloud: I'll try.

Tom Servo: (Raspy voice) Do or do not... There is no try...

Tifa : Hey, why don't we make a promise?

Tifa: Ummm... If you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind, you come save me, all right?

Cloud : What?

Tifa: Whenever I'm in trouble, my hero will come and rescue me. I want to experience that at least once.

Joel: So that's why you made me wear the Lone Ranger costume...

Cloud: What?

Tifa: Come on! Promise me!

Cloud: All right... I promise.

The camera pans upward to the stars again. A shooting star streaks across the sky.

Tom Servo: Hey! It's the Mir!

Cut back to the interior of The Seventh Heaven

Tifa: You remember now? Our promise?

Joel: Ohh... That promise...

Cloud: I'm not a hero and I'm not famous. I can't keep the promise.

Tifa: But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER.

Tom Servo: You got to mud wrestle all three of Charlie's Angels
Joel: Um. No Tom. That was my childhood dream.
Tom Servo: Oh. Sorry Joel.

Cloud looks away

Tifa: So, come on! You've got to keep your promise.

Barrett appears from the elevator shaft and throws something at Cloud.

Barrett: Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER! A promise is a promise! Here!

Cloud: This is my pay? Don't make me laugh.

Tom Servo: (Bad German accent) Ve haff vays off ma-king you laff!

Tifa: What? Then you'll...!

Cloud: You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000.

Joel: And five pounds of M&Ms in my dressing room.
Crow: But none of the blue ones!

Barrett: What!

Tifa: (Whispering to Barrett) It's OK, it's OK. We're really hurting for help, right?

Barrett: (Also whispering) Ugh... That money's for Marlene's schoolin'

Joel: And, uh, I left my wallet in my other pants!

Barrett: (Turning to Clound) 2000!

Tifa: (Walking up to Cloud) Thanks, Cloud.

The scene fades out. Cut to the basement of the bar the next morning. Cloud wakes up and ascends the elevator to the main floor where he finds Tifa and Barrett.

Tifa: Good morning Cloud! Did you sleep well?

Cloud: Next to you, who wouldn't?

Tifa: I don't know what you mean.

Crow: What? You don't... Oh no! Please tell me that was you and not Barrett last night!

Tifa: I'm going this time.

Barrett: Our target's the Sector 5 Reactor. Head for the station first. I'll fill you in on the train.

The other members of AVALANCHE file out of the bar. Barrett walks up to Cloud.

Barrett: Yo! Cloud. Before the next mission, I got somethin' I want to ask you!

Crow: He asked me again! He asked me again!

Barrett: I, uh... I don't really know how to use Materia. I'll give you that Materia we found. Just teach me how to use it!

Joel: The heartbreak of adult Materia illiteracy...

Cloud: ...sigh. OK, I'll explain it.

Cloud explains the uses of Materia, a crystalline material which allows the use of magic.

Barrett: Shi...! What's this 'It isn't that tough' crap! I'm clueless...

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who thinks something is tough for Mr. T!

Barrett: Well, you handle the Materia then!

Tifa: Marlene, you watch the store while we're gone!

Marlene: All right! Good luck!

Joel: We're leaving a five year old in charge of a bar?
Tom Servo: Hey! It's a step up from garment manufacturing!

Cut to the train station. Biggs, Wedge and Jessie are waiting on the platform. When Cloud arrives all of them board the train, which turns out to be fairly crowded.

Barrett: Yo! Looks like this ain't no private car! So, split up!

Tom Servo: This ain't no party... this ain't no disco...

Man in ShinRa Uniform: (Shaking head) Hoodlums again. God, don't I just have all the luck..."

Joel: No, that would probably be Bill Gates

Barrett: (To man) You say sumthin'?

The man ignores him and looks away.

Barrett: (Walking over to man.) I said 'You say sumthin'?

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who tries to ignore Mr. T!

The other passengers quickly evacuate the car, leaving the AVALANCHE members and the man in the ShinRa uniform.

Barrett: Yo, look at that! It got empty alluva sudden. What's goin' on?

Crow: Heh-heh. Sorry. Must have been those chili dogs I ate.
Tom Servo: Whew! Somebody open a window.

Man: I... it's empty because of.. g, guys like you...

Barrett hits him

Crow: Please sir, may I have another!
Joel: Ignore him. He's always cranky before he has his coffee.

Man: (Yells) You... you've seen the news, right? AVALANCHE says there will be more bombings. Only devoted employees like me would go to Midgar on a day like today.

Barrett: You workin' for ShinRa

Man: I won't give in to violence

Tom Servo: It's Ghandi!

Tifa: Barrett!

Barrett: (Cursing) You lucky $#%$.

The man quickly exits the car. Tifa and Barrett rejoin the others.

Cloud: So, what are we going to do now?

Crow: We're going to Disneyworld!

Barrett: Shi'! The hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm...

With a rumble, the train starts moving

Crow: Excuse me... Chili dogs again...

Tifa: Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving..

Cloud: So, what's our next target?

Tom Servo: You must... Sink the Bismarck

Barrett: Hah! Listen to Mr. Serious-About-His-Work. Allright, I'll tell you!

Barrett: Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security checkpoint at the top plate. It's an ID scan system checking all the trains.

Tifa: Which ShinRa is very proud of.

Crow: They have it stuck on their refrigerator door and everything!

Barrett: We can't use our fake ID's anymore.

Intercom Good Morning and welcome to Midgar Lines. Arrival time at Sector 4 Station will be 11:45.

Tifa: That means we've only got three more minutes to the ID checkpoint.

Barrett: All right, in three minutes we're jumping off this train. Got it?

Tom Servo: But I haven't got my little bag of peanuts yet!

Tifa: Cloud, come over here! Let's look at the Railway Map Monitor.

Tifa: Hmm... it looks like you've seen this already. It's all right. Come a little closer.

Crow: (Singing) ...with Arrid Extra Dry!

Suddenly, a red light starts flashing and an alarm sounds.

Joel: Fries are up.

Tifa: That's odd. The ID checkpoint was supposed to be further down.

Intercom: Type A Security Alert! Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted! Repeat!! Type A Security Alert! Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be conducted.

Tifa: What's happening?

Barrett: What's going on!

Jessie: (Rushing in) We're in trouble.

Joel: And they said there would never be another Einstein...

Jessie: I'll explain later. Hurry! Get to the next car!

Barrett: ^%#@%! Someone blew it!

Intercom: Unidentified passengers located in Car #1. Preparing for lockdown.

Barrett: Let's go! Keep it up!

They all rush forward to the next car.

Intercom: Car #1 locked down. Upgrading to Level 2 warning

Wedge: Hurry!

Biggs: They're gonna lock the door, sir!

Crow: Throw me the whip!
Tom Servo: Throw me the idol!

Intercom: Unidentified passengers located in Car #2. Preparing for lockdown.

Jessie: Just run! Changing to Plan 2!

Crow: Two plans! Nobody said anything about two plans!

Again, the AVALANCHE members run forward to the next car.

Intercom: Car #2 locked down. Upgrading to Level 3 warning. (The flashing light and alarm suddenly go silent.)

Joel: I think the batteries in the smoke detector just died...

Barrett: All right! We clear?

Jessie: Not yet. They're starting another search. If we're caught, we're done for!

Jessie: Don't worry. If we move up the train, car by car, we should get past it!

The flashing light and alarm start up again.

Joel: Man, this thing is worse than that little rabbit. It keeps going and going and going...

Intercom: Unidentified passengers moving to front of train. Currently tracking location.

Intercom: Car #4 locked down. Upgrading to maximum security alert!

Barrett runs to the front of the train.

Barrett: All right!! We made it!! Yo! This way!

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who thinks they can catch Mr. T!

Barrett: (Opening door) Let's go! We're gonna dive outta here!

Tifa: Scary... huh?

Cloud: Too late to be saying that now. Why'd you come along anyway?

Tifa: Because...

Barrett: Hey you two! There ain't no time for that!

Tom Servo: Yeah, get a room!

Jessie appears. She is now dressed as a ShinRa soldier.

Jessie: It's me, Jessie. How do I look Cloud? Do I look good in a ShinRa uniform?

Crow: Do you find me pleasing? Do I please you?

Cloud: Yeah. You look great, just like a man.

Jessie: Yay! I'm so happy... I think?

Joel, Tom Servo, Crow: (Together) Wah-wah-wah-wah-waaa....

Tifa: Yeah! I've made up my mind!

Joel: Mind makeup supplied by Mary Kay cosmetics...

Tifa: Watch closely. I'm gonna jump! (She jumps through the door.)

Cloud: You don't care if I go first?

Crow: After you...
Tom Servo: No, after you...
Crow: Oh please, I insist...
Tom Servo: No, no, no. I wouldn't dream...
Joel: Guys?

Barrett: A leader always stays till the end. Don't worry 'bout me, just go!

Cloud positions himself in the doorway.

Barrett: Yo! Don't go getting your spikey-ass hurt! It's only the beginning of the mission! (Cloud jumps.)

Tom Servo: A Mission: Impossible. (Singing) Dun-dun dun-da dun-dun dun-da-dun-dun...

Barrett: (To Jessie) Later! You take care of the rest! (He jumps.)

Joel: Hey! What happened to "A leader always stays until the end"?

Fade out from the train.

The camera fades back into an underground tunnel. Cloud, Barret and Tifa arrive, having jumped from the moving train.

Barrett: Good. So far everything's going as planned.

Joel: Oh yeah, like you planned all of that...
Tom Servo: I pity the fool who thinks Mr. T doesn't have a plan!
Joel: You know Tom, that's getting really annoying...

Barrett: Better not let your guard down till we get to the Sector 5 reactor. Biggs, Wedge and Jessie will get everything ready for us.

Crow: Awww.. You just spoiled the surprise party...

Barrett: So, move it! The reactor is down this tunnel.

Cloud, Tifa and Barrett walk down the tunnel until they find their path blocked by a grid of light beams

Cloud: Those light beams are the ShinRa security sensors. We can't go any further...

Tom Servo: Hmm... What would McGyver do in a case like this...

(Cloud notices a ventilation duct in the wall and goes over to examine it.)

Joel: Ducts. Why are there always ducts...?

Barrett: That's one damn tiny hole. You telling me to squeeze into that to get under the Plate? No way!

Cloud climbs into the ventilation duct, followed by Tifa

Barrett: But, damn man, that thing gives me the chills.

Crow: I don't care what you smell. Just get in there!

Cloud, Barrett and Tifa make their way through the ventilation ducts and finally emerge in an area with several ladders and catwalks. Biggs, Wedge and Jessie are already here waiting for them.

Jessie: (To Cloud) I'm sorry. The ID scan problem on the train was all my fault. I made your ID card special...

Tom Servo: I used new crayons and everything!

Jessie: ...that's why it happened. I put my heart into making it.

Joel, Tom Servo, Crow: (Together) Eeewww!

Jessie: But I failed. Next time, I'll give you something more decent.

Joel: Yeah... Get some clothes on!

Jessie: I'll be back at the hideout in the research room working on it.

Biggs: We're gonna pull out now. We'll meet up at the hideout. Cloud, we're counting on you to blow the reactor.

Crow: That should make the reactor happy....

Jessie, Biggs and Wedge leave. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett proceed to the reactor core.

Suddenly, Cloud collapses. His surroundings change as he begins to hallucinate.

Tom Servo: Uh-oh. Looks like Cloud got some bad 'shrooms this time.

Cloud is standing inside of a Mako reactor. On the floor in front of him is a sword. A younger looking Tifa is present, kneeling before an (apparently) dead man on the floor.

Tifa: Papa...

Tifa: Sephiroth?

Joel: Skipper?
Tom Servo: Gilligan?
Crow: Ginger?
Joel: Professor?
Tom Servo: Mary Ann?
Crow: McCloud!

Tifa: (Standing up) Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he!

Tifa: (Shaking fist) Sephiroth... SOLDER... Mako Reactors... ShinRa... Everything! I hate them all!

Crow: (Anguished) You did it!! You finally did it!! Damn you all to hell!!

Tifa grabs the sword and rushes out of the room. The hallucination fades and Cloud finds himself back in Reactor Number 5.

Joel: Whoa! Trippy!

Barrett: Damn man, get a hold of yourself!

Crow: Oh, please! Not in public!

Tifa: (Kneeling beside Cloud) Are you all right?

Cloud: (Standing up) ...Tifa?

Joel: Mommy?

Tifa: Mmm?

Cloud: No.. forget it... Come on, let's hurry!

Joel: Another Kodak moment, foiled....

Cloud plants the bomb at the base of the reactor then the three of them hurry out. They rush though a door onto a catwalk and find their path blocked by...

Barrett: ShinRa soldiers? What the hell's going on?

Cloud: A trap.

Joel: Yep. That's what they call them all right.

Footsteps can be heard approaching. A well dressed man appears.

Barrett: President Shinra?

Tifa: Why is the President here?

Crow: Quick! Hide the interns!

President Shinra: Hmm... So, you must be that... What was it?

Barrett: AVALANCHE! And don't ya forget it! So, you're President Shinra, huh?

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who could forget Mr. T!
Joel: God knows some of us have tried hard enough though...
Tom Servo: What?

Cloud: (Stepping forward.) Long time no see, Mr. President

President Shinra: Long time no see? Oh... you.

Crow: I did not have sexual relations with that SOLDIER

President Shinra: You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako from the glow in your eyes...

Tom Servo: He's got the Eyes of Lara Mars

President Shinra: Tell me traitor... what was your name?

Crow: What is your quest? What is your favorite color?

Cloud: Cloud.

President Shinra: Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name. Unless you become another Sephiroth.

Joel: You know, Andy Warhol said that in the future everyone would be Sephiroth for fifteen minutes.

President Shinra: Yes, Sephiroth... He was brilliant. Perhaps too brilliant...

Cloud: Sephiroth...?

Tom Servo: Is anyone besides me experiencing some ominous foreshadowing here?
Crow: No, I think it's just the chili.
Tom Servo: Oh. Right. Thanks.

Barrett: (Running forward) Don't give a damn about none of that! This place is going up in a big BANG soon!

Crow: Street orgy! Whoo-hoo!

Barrett: Serves y'all right!

President Shinra: And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you...

Barrett: Vermin? That's all you can say? Vermin?

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who calls Mr. T. "vermin"!

Barrett: Y'all ShinRa are the vermin killing the planet! And that makes you King Vermin. So shut up!

Joel: You say that like its a bad thing...

President Shinra: You are beginning to bore me. (He turns to leave.)

President Shinra: I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me... I have a dinner I must attend.

Barrett: Dinner? Don't give me that! I ain't even started with you yet!

President Shinra: But, I've made arrangements for a playmate for you all. (Snaps his fingers.)

Crow: Playmate? Who? Pamela Anderson? Traci Lords?

Tifa: What's that noise?

Barrett: What the hell is this?

A large robot suddenly flies into view. It hovers menacingly over our heroes.

President Shinra: Meet Airbuster, a techno-soldier.

Joel: A Dustbuster? He's attacking them with a vacuum cleaner?
Crow: That sucks...

President Shinra: Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments.

Cloud: Techno-soldier?

Tom Servo: I think he means "robot" Cloud.
Joel: Yeah, they have to make everything sound fancy somehow.

President Shinra: Now then, if you'll excuse me.

A helicopter swings into view and President Shinra moves towards it. Cloud runs to intercept him, but too late. The President boards the helicopter which flies off, leaving Cloud, Tifa and Barrett alone with the robot.

Cloud: (Yelling at departed helicopter) Wait Mr. President!

Crow: (Crying) Sniff-sniff We'll always have Paris...

The robot swings in towards Barrett and Tifa

Barrett: Yo, Cloud! We gotta do something about this

Tifa: Help, Cloud!

Tifa: This is from SOLDIER?

Cloud: (Running back to join them) No way! It's just a machine!

Tom Servo: Hey! I think I'm offended by that remark.
Crow: Yeah, Joel. This game is offensive to robots!
Joel: It's not a robot. It's a techno-soldier.
Crow: Oh, OK then.

Barrett: I don't care what it is! I'm gonna bust it up!

The three battle against the Airbuster. They are able to defeat it but after they do it explodes, blowing a hole in the catwalk. Barrett and Tifa leap to safety but Cloud is left hanging onto the edge of the catwalk with a very long drop below.

Tom Servo: Sylvester Stallone... in Cliffhanger.

Barrett: It's gonna blow! Let's go, Tifa!

Tifa: Barrett! Can't you do something?

Barrett: Not a damn thing...

Joel: Jeez... You're useless...
Tom Servo: Only a fool would...
Joel: Yes, yes, Tom. I've got the picture...

Tifa: Cloud! Don't die! You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!

Crow: And you still owe me for the bar tab!

Cloud: I know Tifa...

Barrett: Hey, you gonna be all right?

Crow: Sure. It's only a few thousand foot drop. Piece of cake. Did it all the time in SOLDIER.
Tom Servo: Of course, we always used parachutes then.
Crow: Oh yeah, forgot that part...

Cloud: You worry about yourselves! I'm all right, but take care of Tifa!

Barrett: All right. Sorry about all this.

Crow: With Cloud out of the way it's time for me to make my move.

Cloud: Stop talking like this is the end!

Barrett: All right then. Later.

Joel: So long...
Tom Servo: Farewell...
Crow: Ciao
Joel: Sayonara
Tom Servo: Au Revoir
Crow: Auf Widersein

FMV: The bomb on the reactor explodes. Cloud is knocked from the catwalk. Tifa attempts to grab him but cannot reach; Barrett grabs her to prevent her falling after him. Cloud falls into the darkness below.

Tom Servo: Rosebuuuuuuuuuuuudddddddd...........

Fade to black

Cut to spinning MST3K logo

Fade out