Act 1

Fade In

The camera pulls back to reveal the bridge of the Satellite of Love. Crow and Tom Servo are both visible playing video games on the main console. Tom Servo is playing on a Playstation and Crow has a Super Nintendo.

Crow: Take that Kefka! Take that! Yah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Tom Servo: OK Ultimecia! Face my Lionheart! Ha-ya!

Both robots are too busy playing their games to notice Joel as he walks onto the bridge with a box tucked under one arm. He looks at them for a moment then turns to face the camera.

Joel: Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Joel Robinson and these are my robot pals Tom Servo and Crow. We just found a bunch of video game consoles stored down below on the station and we're ready to have ourselves some serious gaming fun.

Holds up the box he is carrying

Joel: Hey guys! I just found an N64 down there. How about some Super Mario Party action?

Both Crow and Tom Servo look up stunned then burst into laughter

Crow: Super Mario? Give me a break!

Tom Servo: Put that down Joel. We've got Final Fantasy over here!

Joel: (Puzzled.) Final Fantasy?

Crow: (Stunned.) You've never heard of Final Fantasy?

Joel: No. What is it?

Tom Servo: What is it? Simply the greatest console RPG series ever created, my fine human friend. Here, look at this. This is Final Fantasy VIII, the best of the series.

Crow: Best? Best!? (Sarcastic) Sure, if all you care about is pretty pictures and drawn out FMVs of Guardian Forces being summoned! Look at this Joel! This is Final Fantasy VI. This is about story, not flashy computer images.

Tom Servo: Flashy? I'll have you know that you can have a story and graphics too! At least I don't strain my eyes trying to tell a bunch of pixillated little sprites apart!

Crow: I didn't know you had any eyes, bubblehead!

Tom Servo: Why you...

The two robots start towards each other but Joel steps between them.

Joel: Settle down you two, settle down. (He looks from one screen to the other) Hey, both of these look like pretty good games. Maybe I should try one.

Crow: Try this one Joel, try this one!

Tom Servo: No Joel, look at this one!

Both robots start badgering Joel who begins to look flustered. A light on the console suddenly starts flashing.

Joel: Hang on guys, it looks like Cid is calling... (He punches the button on the console.) Hello sirs...

Cut to the interior of Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is facing the camera. He is dressed as normal except he is wearing a long, silver wig. Frank can be seen in the background attempting to spike his hair.

Dr. Forrester: Well, if it isn't the Chocobo and his Moogles! Good to see you have discovered console RPGs up there, since today's experiment is one of the classics. Probably the best thing Square has ever done... Final Fantasy VII!

On the bridge of the SOL Joel and the 'bots look at each other in confusion

Crow: (Confused) But, Joel, that's actually a good one. Aren't they supposed to send us bad things to watch?

Tom Servo Yeah Joel! This one will actually be fun!

Joel: OK, but don't let on guys; they do control our air supply you know.

Joel, Tom Servo, Crow: (Mock fear) Oh no! Not Final Fantasy VII!

Back in Deep 13, Dr. Forrester smirks.

Dr. Forrester: Precisely. Final Fantasy VII. Frank! Push the button!

Frank looks up. He has managed to spike his hair but it is sticking straight out on both sides making him look like a blonde Bozo the Clown.

Frank: Hey! Who do you think you're talking to? I was in SOLDIER you know!

Frank picks up an enormous sword, which promptly makes him lose his balance and he falls over. The sword falls across him and he struggles to get up from under it.

Frank: Uh, help?

Dr. Forrester: (Shaking head.) Why do I put up with your nonsense? (Looks back at camera.) Prepare to suffer, fools! (He pushes the button.)

Back on the SOL, lights flash and buzzers sound.

Joel: Oh no! We've got game sign!

Joel and the 'bots rush about then run off the bridge. The doors slide open and the camera pans through them into the theater. The three enter at the bottom of the screen and take their seats. Joel can be seen picking up a controller pad.

FMV: The camera pans across a star field, swooping and swirling.

Crow: Space... The final frontier...
Tom Servo: Ooh... I think I'm getting space sick.

FMV: The star field resolves into a spray of greenish particles drifting upwards. A woman's face becomes visible behind the spray.

Crow and Tom Servo: Gaahh!
Joel: (High pitched, whiny voice) Well, this mist spray will do wonders for your complexion. Just hold your face over the spray for five minutes a day...

FMV: The camera pulls back to reveal the woman is looking at a fountain of some type in a dirty alleyway. She looks around, then picks up a basket of flowers and walks out of the alley. The camera continues to pull back, revealing her to be in a grimy, industrial city. Several vehicles steam past. The pullback continues until we see the entire city; circular, with eight smoking cones around the perimeter. A searchlight swings across the city, flashing across the camera and revealing the title:

Final Fantasy VII

Tom Servo: This score just in: Final Fantasy 7, Breath of Fire 3

FMV: The camera now pans downward, towards one of the smoking cones. A train becomes visible and the camera swoops down beside it as it arrives at a station.

A woman (Jessie) leaps off the train and attacks the two guards there, knocking them unconscious. A large black man (Barrett) then leaps off the train and gestures for someone to follow him.

Barrett: C'mon newcomer. Follow me.

Tom Servo: (Confused) Newcomer? Are we watching Alien Nation by mistake?
Crow: I thought he might be referring to his sexu...
Joel: Crow... I'm warning you...

Cloud jumps off the train, doing a flip as he lands.

Joel: And he sticks the landing! That'll get him the gymnastics gold for sure!

Barrett and Jessie run up the platform and through a door. Cloud moves to follow but is intercepted by two guards. A battle sequence starts.

Joel: Hey! Where'd that sword come from?
Tom Servo: (Intones) In the end, there can be only one...
Crow: I told you he meant...
Joel: Crow....

Cloud completes the battle and runs inside after the others. There, he finds Jessie and two other men (Biggs and Wedge) attempting to open the lock on the main gate.

Biggs: Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right!

Crow: SOLDIER! Yay!

Biggs: Not everyday you find one in a group like AVALANCHE.

Tom Servo: AVALANCHE! Yay!

Jessie: SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?

Biggs: Hold it Jessie. He was in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us. (Turns to Cloud.) Didn't catch your name...

Cloud: Cloud.

Joel: Strife. Cloud Strife.
Tom Servo: Oh, there's a likely name...

Biggs: Cloud, eh? I'm...

Cloud: I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over I'm outta here.

Joel: Well don't say hello then. Jeez...

Barrett comes running in from off screen.

Barrett: The hell you all doin'? I thought I told you never to move in a group! Our target's the North Mako Reactor. We'll meet on the bridge in front of it.

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who won't listen to Mr. T!

The gate opens and everyone runs though. Barrett stops and turns to Cloud.

Barrett: Ex-SOLDIER huh? Don't trust ya!

Barret and Cloud run through the gate. Cloud looks up at the complex before running inside. Wedge stays behind as the others go deeper into the facility.

Barrett: Yo! This your first time in a reactor?

Crow: Yeah, it's my first time.
Joel: In a reactor.
Tom Servo: Today.

Cloud: No. After all, I did work for ShinRa, y'know.

Barrett: The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day. It's the life blood of the planet. But, ShinRa keeps suckin' the blood out with these machines.

Joel: I thought that was the IRS?

Cloud: I'm not here for a lecture. Let's just hurry.

Barrett: That's it! You're comin' with me from now on.

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who won't listen to Mr. T!

Jessie and Biggs open the next two doors. Cloud and Barrett run into an elevator, followed by Jessie

Jessie: Push that button over there.

Joel, Crow, Tom Servo: (Together) Push the button Frank! (Giggles)

The elevator descends

Tom Servo: Woah! Lost my stomach just then.
Crow: You don't have a stomach!
Tom Servo: You know what I mean.

Barrett: Little by little the reactors will drain out all the life. And that will be that!

Cloud: It's not my problem.

Barrett: The planet's dying, Cloud!

Cloud: The only thing I care about is finishing this job before security and the Roboguards come.

Joel: Don't tell me, let me guess. You're Republican, right Cloud?

Barrett shakes his fist at Cloud. The elevator stops and they all exit. Jessie waits by the elevator while Barrett and Cloud continue to the reactor core.

Barrett: When we blow this place, this ain't gonna be nothing more than a hunk of junk.

Crow: Blow this place? Joel, I keep telling you...
Joel: And I keep telling you to CAN IT!

Barrett: Cloud, you set the bomb.

Tom Servo: (High pitched voice) When setting a bomb be sure to use new place mats and arrange the silverware from the outside in...

Cloud: Shouldn't you do it?

Barrett: Just do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'

Tom Servo: I pity the fool who would try to pull sumthin' on Mr. T!
Joel: I think we've got it Tom...

Cloud: Fine. Be my guest.

Cloud moves towards the reactor, then stumbles. He hears a voice.

Voice: Watch out! This isn't just a reactor!

Cloud looks around, confused.

Barrett: What's wrong?

Cloud: Huh?

Barrett: What's wrong, Cloud? Hurry it up!

Cloud: Yeah, sorry.

Cloud sets the bomb at the base of the reactor core. Suddenly, red lights flash and an alarm begins to sound.

Joel: Fries are up!

Barrett: Heads up! Here they come!

Joel: Crow, don't say it!
Crow: (Innocent) Say what Joel?

A large scorpion-like robot appears and attacks Cloud and Barrett. After several rounds of combat, they defeat it. A countdown timer showing "TEN MINUTES TO DETONATION" appears.

Cloud: Come on, let's get outta here!

Cloud and Barrett rush through the reactor as the timer counts down towards the detonation of the bomb. They stop and rescue Jessie, who has gotten her leg caught in the catwalk. Then, the three of them rejoin the others and hurry out of the reactor.

FMV: The Mako Reactor explodes, sending a ring of fire over the city.

Crow: Ooooh!
Tom Servo: Ahhhh!
Joel: Colors!

We see Cloud, Barrett, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie in what seems to be a utility tunnel. Jessie is doing something with a pile of debris.

Wedge: That should keep the planet going. At least, for a little longer.

Biggs: Yeah....

Barrett: ......

Crow: Biggs... Wedge... Weren't those guys in Star Wars
Tom Servo: (Giggles) Use the Force, Cloud!
Crow: Cloud! I am your father. Well... your stepfather. It's a long story...

Jessie: OK! Everyone get back!

Everyone runs away down the tunnel. There is an explosion. Cut to an exterior courtyard. An opening is belching flame. Everyone leaps out of the flaming doorway. All seem to be unscathed, except for Biggs whose pants are on fire.

Crow: Oh, excuse me. Guess I shouldn't have had those jalapeno nachos for lunch. Heh-heh.

Barrett: All right. Now, let's get out of here. Rendezvous at Sector 8 station! Split up and get on that train!

They all leave except for Cloud and Barrett

Cloud: Hey!

Barrett: If it's about your money, save it till we're back at the hideout.

Tom Servo: Show me the money! SHOW ME THE MONEY!
Crow: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Joel: Huh?
Tom Servo: What?

Cloud and Barrett run out of the courtyard. Cut to a street corner. Several of the gang run through. One of them bumps into a woman selling flowers (the one from the initial scene) and knocks her down. She stands up and brushes herself off as Cloud arrives.

Flower Girl: Excuse me, but what happened?

Cloud: Nothing... Hey...

Crow: No, nothing. Just a reactor blowing up, scattering radioactive debris all over the city. Say, you weren't planning on having children, were you?

Cloud: You don't see many flowers around here.

Tom Servo: A Flower Grows... In Midgar

Flower Girl: Oh these? Do you like them? They're only a gil...

Cloud buys a flower. The flower girl (Aeris) leaves.

Joel: Ya know, Cloud, most guys give flowers to girls, not buy them from them.
Tom Servo: Now Joel, maybe Cloud just likes flowers?
Crow: Yeah Joel, they did say he was a newc...
Joel: Drop it Crow!

Cloud wanders through the area and into the street. A soldier spots him and they fight. More soldiers show up leading to more fights until Cloud finds himself surrounded on a bridge.

Soldier: That's as far as you go.

Cloud: I don't have time to be messing around with you guys.

Crow: Yeah, there's some other guys I need to be messing around with.
Tom Servo: Only a fool would mess around with....
Joel: Tom, we got it, remember?

Soldier: Enough babbling. Grab him!

Cloud leaps off the bridge onto a train that is passing by beneath the bridge.

Joel: The 6:15, right on schedule. Heh heh. They fall for that trick every time...

FMV: Cloud is riding on the top of the train surfboard style as it plunges into a tunnel.

Tom Servo: Cloud. Cloud? Watch out. Tunnel! (Doink!) Oooh, that's gotta hurt.
Crow: And so the train plunges deep into the damp dark underbelly of Midgar; groaning under the strain of...
Joel: Crow, what are you doing?
Crow: Huh? Oh, sorry Joel. Drifted off for a moment there...

Cut to the interior of the train. Barrett, Biggs, Wedge and Jessie are sitting in a crowded cargo car.

Biggs: Cloud never came.

Crow: Probably just nerves. I guess it was his first time...
Joel: Crow, one more out of you and you and I are going outside.
Crow: Promise?
Joel: (Groans)

Wedge: Cloud... Wonder if he was killed?

Barett: No way!

Jessie: Cloud...

There is a loud thumping on the roof of the car. Barrett glances up.

Joel: Nobody here but us chickens...

Wedge: Say, do you think Cloud's going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE?

Tom Servo: AVALANCHE! Yay!

Barrett: How the hell would I know? Do I look like a mind reader?

Crow: No, you look like...
Tom Servo: I pity the fool who would ask that of Mr. T!

Barrett: Hmph!! (Hits crate) If y'all weren't such screw-ups...

Biggs: Hey Barrett!

Joel, Crow, Tom Servo (Together) Hey Norm!

Biggs: What about our money...?

Tom Servo: Show us the money! SHOW US THE MONEY!
Crow: YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Joel: Huh?
Tom Servo: What?

Barrett pounds fist on crate.

Biggs: Uh, nothin'... sorry. Ahh...

Tom Servo: Only a fool would ask...
Joel: Drop it Tom...

The train door suddenly slides open and Cloud swings in through the door.

Biggs, Wedge, Jessie: (Together) Cloud!

Joel: And he gets a 9, a 9, an 8, a 9 and a 4 from the Ukrainian judge!

Cloud: Looks like I'm a little late.

Barrett: Your damn right, you're late. Come waltzing in here, making a big scene!

Cloud: It's no big deal. Just what I always do.

Crow: It's in my contract. Ask my agent.

Barrett: Shi't

Joel: What did he just say?
Crow: What was this game rated again, Joel?

Barrett: Having everyone worried like that. You don't give a damn about no one but yourself.

Crow: Frankly Barrett, I don't give a damn!
Tom Servo: Oh Rhett!

Cloud: Hmm... You were worried about me!

Barrett Wha..? I'm taking it outta your money, hot stuff!

Crow: You like me! You really do like me!

Barrett: Wake up! We're moving out! Follow me! (Exits through the front of the car.)

Biggs: Hey, Cloud! You were great back there! (Follows Barrett.)

Wedge: Heh heh... Cloud! We'll do even better next time. (Also exits)

Jessie: Be careful! I'll shut this.

Jessie closes the train door then turns to Cloud.

Jessie: Oh Cloud! Your face is pitch-black...."

Tom Servo: Like it? It's my Al Jolsen disguise.

Jessie wipes Cloud's face.

Jessie: There you go. Say, thanks for helping me back there at the reactor! (She exits through the front of the train.)

Cloud looks around then follows. The camera cuts to another car of the train.

Intercom: Last train out of Sector 8 Station. Last stop is Sector 7, Train Graveyard. Expected time of arrival is 12:23 AM, Midgar standard time...

Crow: The Train Graveyard? Are there train ghost there? Going Booo-Booo. You know, like a train whistle, just ghosts? Get it? Huh? Oh... Never mind...

The door in the back of the car opens and Cloud, Barrett and the rest run in. A man wearing a ShinRa uniform in the foreground shakes his head.

Man in ShinRa Uniform: This is why I hate the last train. Hoo-boy.. (Leaves the car.)

Barrett: Stop acting like damn kids. Si'down and shu'up!"

Biggs: Someday AVALANCHE is gonna be famous... and me too!

Tom Servo: AVALANCHE! Yay!

Wedge: It seems this train hasn't switched to security mode yet. I'm sure that will change by tomorrow.

Crow: (Singing) Tomorrow, tomorrow, there's always, tomorrow...

Jessie goes to a monitor and motions to Cloud.

Jessie: Hey Cloud! You want to look at this with me? It's a map of the Midgar Rail System. Let's look at it together. I'll explain it to you.

Jessie: I like this kinda stuff. Bombs and monitors.. you know, flashy stuff.

Joel: (Imitiating Jessie's voice) Did I mention to you that my uncle was the Unabomber?

Jessie activates the monitor and she and Cloud watch.

Jessie: OK, it's about to start.

A wireframe model of the city appears on the display.

Jessie: This is a complete model of the city of Midgar. It's about a 1/10000 scale. The top plate is about 50 meters above ground.

Jessie:A main support structure holds the plate up in the center, and there are other support structures built in each section.

Jessie: (whispering) The Number 1 Reactor we blew up was in the northern section.

Crow and Tom Servo: We're number 1! We're number 1! We're...

Jessie: Then there's a Number 2, Number 3 and all the way up to the Number 8 reactor.

Crow and Tom Servo: We're number 8! We're number 8! We're... huh?

Jessie: The Reactors provide Midgar with electricity. Each town used to have a name, but no one in Midgar remembers them. Instead of names, we refer to them by numbered sectors. That's the kind of place this is.

Joel: I knew Zip Codes were going to be a bad idea...

Jessie: Phew..., this is next! Look.

The location of the train is shown on the display by a series of flashing dots.

Jessie: This is the route the train is on. The route spirals around the main support structure. We should be coming around the center area, right now.

Crow: (Singing) She'll be comin' round the center when she comes! She'll be...

Jessie: At each checkpoint, an ID sensor device is set up. It can check the identities and background on each and every passenger on the train by linking it up to the central data bank at ShinRa headquarters.

Jessie: (Whispering) Anyone could tell that we look suspicious, so we're using fake ID's.

Tom Servo: Of course, we really had them made just so we could buy beer...

A red light starts flashing and an alarm sounds.

Joel: Um.. Fries are up!

Jessie: Speak of the devil...

Crow: (Gutteral voice) Hi. I'm Satan. Hope you're enjoying the game...

Jessie: That light means we're in the ID Security Check area.

Jessie: (Whispering) When the lights go off, you never know what kind of creeps'll come out.

Joel: That sounds just like my frat house back in college!

Jessie:...anyhow, we're almost back now. That's a relief.

Cloud leaves the monitor and walks back to where Barrett is sitting.

Barrett: Look... You can see the surface now. This city don't have no day or night. If that plate weren't there we could see the sky.

Tom Servo: (Singing) 'Scuse me... while I kiss the sky. Dow-dow-dow, dow-dow-dow... (Continues to air guitar until stopped by Joel)

Cloud: (Looking out the window) A floating city... Pretty unsettling scenery.

Barrett: Huh? Never expected to hear that outta someone like you. You're just full of surprises.

Crow: Hey! He's a pinata!

Barrett:The upper world... a city on a plate. It's cuz of that @#$%# pizza that people underneath are suffering! And the city below is full of polluted air.

Joel: Ohh... I had a pizza like that once. I think it was the anchovies myself.
Crow: It's the black olives that always do it to me. I had one one time that kept me up half the night and peeled most of the paint off the walls...
Tom Servo: Um, guys...

Barrett: On top of that, the reactor keeps draining up all the energy!

Cloud: Then why doesn't everyone move onto the plate?

Barrett: Dunno. Probably because they ain't got no money. Or, maybe, because they love their land, no matter how polluted it gets.

Cloud: I know... no one lives in the slums because they want to. It's like this train. It can't run anywhere except where its rails take it.

Crow: Oooh.. Profound.

FMV: Exterior view of the train as it circles the central support structure. The camera swings above the train as it pulls into a run-down station. The doors open and passengers are seen departing onto the platform.

Joel: Come on guys, lets get out of here.
Joel picks up Tom Servo and he and Crow exit the theater. The camera pulls back through the doors, which close behind it, until we are once again looking at the main deck.

Crow and Tom Servo are standing behind the console. Crow has a large gun attached to one of his arms and Tom Servo is holding an enormous sword.

Crow: Come, Cloud Servo! We must destroy the reactor before it sucks all the life from the station!

Tom Servo: Right Crowett! Let's go! (He swings his sword, nearly decapitating Joel as he walks into the room.)

Joel: Watch it you guys! (He looks around.) Hey, what are you two up to?

Crow: We are LANDSLIDE, Joel! We are going to destroy the reactor before it sucks the life energy out of this station!

Joel: Oh, I guess you two are really liking this game, huh?

Tom Servo: Yes Joel! I feel that I have finally discovered my purpose in life. (Faces camera) I must protect the Planet!

Gypsy enters the bridge and goes up to Crow.

Gypsy: OK Crow. I put that box you gave me next to the reactor. Now what?

Crow: Good work Jessie... er... Gypsy. Now...

Joel: (Interrupting) Wait a minute Crow. Gypsy... what box?

Gypsy: I don't know. Crow gave it to me.

Crow: It's a bomb Joel! A bomb to destroy the reactor and save the station!

Tom Servo: Yeah! We're gonna save the station. Woo hoo!

Joel: (Laughs) OK you guys, have fun.

Joel suddenly spots a book on the table and picks it up. The title of the book is visible as "The Big Book of Bombs"

Joel: (Suddenly concerned) Umm.. Crow... You didn't really build a bomb, did you?

Crow: (Innocent) Well, sure Joel. We have to save the station from the reactor, don't we?

Tom Servo: Yeah! We're gonna save the sta... Huh?

Joel: Crow! That reactor is our only source of power. Without it, we won't have any air or water and we won't be able to control our orbit! (Turns) Gypsy! Get back down there and...

A loud explosion is suddenly heard. Everyone is thrown around and the lights go off. The entire set is pitch black.

Crow: (Voice only) Oops?

A flashlight clicks on. We see that it is being held by Joel, who is covered in soot. A sooty Crow and Tom Servo are standing nearby. Joel looks around. The entire bridge is in shambles.

Joel: (To camera) We'll be back right after this...

Joel hits the button on the console but nothing happens. He and the 'bots look at each other, then he simply clicks the flashlight off.

Fade out.