2.04 - Crackers Don't Matter

A technician who claims to be able to create a cloaking device for Moya comes aboard and the crew takes him to his home world so that the device can be constructed. But, while on their way, the crew begins to become irrational and paranoid and they begin to fight among themselves over... crackers?

Do I look stupid to you? No, please don't answer that question. - John Crichton

Pip, whatcha doing? - John Crichton
Oh, I'm having sex with three Hynerian donkeys. What does it look like? - Chiana

Zhaan, where are you? - John Crichton
I'm up in the Maintenance Bay, John. About to have a fight with Aeryn. - Zotoh Zhaan

Be quiet! I'm not going to hurt you. Yet. - Aeryn Sun

You have no special abilities. You're not particularly smart, can hardly smell, can barely see and you're not even vaguely physically or spiritually imposing. Is there anything you do well? - Pilot
Watch football. - John Crichton

I don't need a grunt to give me a military assault lecture. I wrote military assault lectures. - Dominar Rygel XVI
You? The only thing you've ever assaulted is a plate of food cubes. - Aeryn Sun

Yes, revenge is a dish best served cold. And you like revenge, don't you? - Scorpius
I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare. - John Crichton

Kill her. Then we'll have pizza. And some margarita shooters. - Scorpius
Nobody has margaritas with pizza! - John Crichton

I've got great eyes. They're better than 20/20. And they're blue! - John Crichton

What the hell is this? - John Crichton
Heat deflecting paste. You'll burn up in there without it. - Zotoh Zhaan
Smells like puke. - John Crichton
I pre-digested it to increase its potency. - Zotoh Zhaan
It's puke?! - John Crichton

I look ridiculous, don't I? - John Crichton
Don't worry. This is T'raltixx's disappearing device so it won't matter how ridiculous you look. - Dominar Rygel XVI
We... are going... to die. - Aeryn Sun

D'Argo and John are walking through Moya. D'Argo is explaining to John that they have brought aboard a technician who claims that he has a method to alter Moya's electronic signal so that they cannot be detected. They arrive in the Hanger Bay where Aeryn, Chiana and Zhaan are waiting for them. Also present is T'raltixx, the technician.

John asks what else they brought from the Commerce Planet and Chiana tells him all they were able to get were several thousand boxes of "dried food rectangles" or, as John puts it, crackers. Aeryn shows him a wanted beacon for them that was left on the planet by Scorpius. She says that she saw at least ten of them on the planet. They had to get what they could and get away before anyone recognized them.

T'raltixx has connected a device to John's module for testing. He tells John not to run the power for more than ten seconds because otherwise the device will burn out. John gets into the module and starts the engine but doesn't notice anything. Everyone outside, however, is quite impressed. The module appeared to vanish.

John doesn't trust T'raltixx but accepts that his device works. T'raltixx cannot build a device to shield Moya on board and the crew doesn't want to use the shipyards on the planet because of the wanted beacons. They decide to go to T'raltixx's home planet. Pilot is dubious but John is able to convince him to go there.

Once on course, they discover that they will be passing close to a cluster of five pulsars. T'raltixx warns them that the light from the pulsars sometimes has an effect on "lesser species". He tells them that the light has an effect on judgment but that it should not affect them. No one thinks they are affected except for Zhaan, who is enjoying the light.

John is leading T'raltixx to the cabins to try and find one he can use. They pass Chiana who is eating some of the crackers. John asks Chiana why she didn't come up to Command to see the pulsars and she tells him she wasn't interested. He then tells her not to eat more than her share of crackers and leaves.

D'Argo arrives and Chiana calls him over. She tells him that John accused her of stealing crackers and says that they need to talk.

John is still trying to find a cabin for T'raltixx but he keeps finding problems with them. They pass Rygel and John tells him that he needs to get back to the main deck because Chiana is eating all the food.

Aeryn is in the maintenance bay working on the wanted beacon, which is displaying an image of Scorpius offering a reward for John Crichton. Zhaan arrives and asks what she is doing and Aeryn says she is trying to play the rest of the message. Zhaan asks what she expects to find and asks if she thinks there is a message offering her a pardon in exchange for turning the rest of them in. They start to argue but are interrupted by a call from John over the comms asking for Zhaan to come watch T'raltixx for a while. Zhaan mentions the argument between her and Aeryn and John reminds her that T'raltixx told them that the pulsars had an effect on lesser species.
"That might explain her behavior." Zhaan says as she leaves, to Aeryn's disgust.

D'Argo is walking along a corridor and finds Rygel sitting with a pile of crackers. He demands to know what is going on and Rygel tells him that Chiana is stealing food. D'Argo disagrees, saying that Chiana warned him that Rygel would be stealing food. Rygel argues but D'Argo throws Rygel onto a table. Rygel looks as if he fears for his life and D'Argo grabs several handfuls of crackers and crams them into Rygel's mouth.
"You wanted crackers?" he asks, continuing to cram crackers into Rygel's mouth. "We've got plenty. Now eat. You've got three stomachs. One of them must be empty."

He leaves, leaving a shaken Rygel gasping on the table.

T'raltixx, meanwhile, has found Zhaan sitting and smiling. He calls Pilot to ask what is wrong with her and Pilot tells him that Zhaan is a plant and reacts pleasurably to light. He then asks Pilot if he likes having the others on Moya.
"You know," Pilot says "I don't think I do like them."
T'raltixx nods. "I thought as much."

Some time later, John is calling for Pilot. Pilot responds and John asks where he has been, they have been comming for him for over a half-arn. Pilot distractedly says something must have been wrong with the comms. John says that everyone is starting to act a little strange and, with a rather unpleasant edge in his voice, asks Pilot to run an analysis of the pulsar light. Pilot, with an equally unpleasant edge, agrees to do so. They are interrupted from further discussion when John hears an argument between Aeryn and Chiana.

Chiana is demanding that Aeryn show her the secret message on the beacon and says that Zhaan told her she was hiding something. Aeryn continues to insist that there is no message. John arrives and suggests that Aeryn show her the message so that she will be satisfied and leave. Now, Chiana starts questioning what he wants her to see the message so badly.

D'Argo appears and John tells him to leave. Chiana tells D'Argo that they are trying to force her to watch the message. John reaches for Chiana, who screams, and D'Argo grabs John then punches him. D'Argo demands that they show Chiana the message.

John manages to gain partial control and reminds everyone what T'raltixx said about the light from the pulsars. Everyone backs down a bit and Aeryn and Chiana give half-hearted apologies and leave. D'Argo also apologies to John and he waves him off. D'Argo leaves and John leaves shortly after him, calling for Pilot.

After everyone has left, the camera pans upwards to the ceiling, showing T'raltixx clinging there like a spider. He destroys a DRD with a bolt of light from his eyes.

John goes down to Zhaan's cabin where he finds T'raltixx and Zhaan. He confronts T'raltixx about the pulsars and he admits that the light affects the optic nerves and causes distrust but it does not affect him. It also does not seem to affect Zhaan beyond giving her photogasms.

T'raltixx suggests turning around since the crew may be at risk but John says that since they are already halfway through the area they might as well continue. T'raltixx agrees that the effects of the pulsars should start to diminish.

Aeryn is walking through the corridors with her pulse rifle when she hears something. She stops and pulls open a grate then pulls Rygel out from behind it. He asks if D'Argo has sent her to finish the job but she says that she has a plan and needs him to watch her back against the others. She points her rifle at his head and asks if he volunteers.

Meanwhile, Chiana and D'Argo are talking together. Chiana thinks that there is a message on the beacon and that Aeryn is plotting to turn them over to Scorpius. She also thinks that John is working with her. They hear someone coming and Chiana hides.

Zhaan appears and D'Argo asks if she is working with John too. She is distracted and waves him off. She starts to leave when D'Argo knocks her out with his tongue strike. Chiana reappears and they both agree that she must have been working with John.

John, meanwhile, is in Pilot's Den. He is asking about the pulsar light but Pilot starts talking about how weak and pathetic Humans are. John gets angry and starts manipulating the controls on Pilot's console. There is a small explosion and John is thrown to the ground. He asks Pilot if he has seen the pulsars and Pilot says no, he only knows of them from Moya's sensors. John then wonders how the pulsars are affecting Pilot if he can't see them and Pilot insists that he isn't being affected. John seems to get an idea and leaves.

He goes to the cargo bay where he finds Aeryn and Rygel. Aeryn points her pulse pistol at him and says that people are stealing food and she and Rygel want to make sure that they get their fair share. Rygel yells for her to shoot him. John is confused for a minute then starts asking where his ice cream is. Now Rygel is confused and John leaves, singing "You scream, I scream, we all scream for ice cream".

Pilot notices that his DRDs are missing and T'raltixx says that he has taken them and is altering Moya's bioluminescence. He asks Pilot to trust him and Pilot says he doesn't.

T'raltixx then asks Pilot if he trusts the others on Moya and if they are essential to him or Moya's operation.
"No." says Pilot. "They get in the way more than help."
"I suspected that." says T'raltixx. "I can help you, Pilot. If you help me."
"Go on..." says Pilot, listening.

John arrives in the hanger bay and finds D'Argo sitting on the Farscape 1. Chiana is running around the bay apparently getting supplies and Zhaan lies on the floor, unconscious. John asks what happened to Zhaan and D'Argo makes his tongue whipping sound and says that he knows that Zhaan was reporting back to him.

John waves him off and asks what he and Chiana are planning to do with his module. Chiana says that they are leaving Moya but John shows them a part from the module and says it won't fly without it. He leaves.

Chiana realizes that John left without Zhaan and confronts D'Argo, saying that he told her that she was working for John. D'Argo seems confused but Chiana yells for him to stay back and runs off.

On Command, Aeryn is building a barricade in front of the doors and arguing with Rygel. John sticks his head through an opening on one side and tries to talk to her and, when she approaches that side, backs out and sticks his head through the other. He says he has an idea and suggests that they all lock their weapons in a closet for a while but she responds by shooting at him.

John yells for Pilot and says that he thinks that Aeryn is trying to take over the ship. Pilot says that he is aware of what she is doing.
"Shut her down." yells John. "Lights, power, all of it."
"I'm sorry John." says Pilot in a flat monotone. "I'm afraid I can't do that."

Aeryn laughs and tells John that the only way he will get her weapon is if she is dead. She points the gun at her own head. John yells for her to look at what she is doing and she pulls the gun away, looks at it, and laughs again.
"Yes." she says. "You're right. You're so right. The power setting's too low!" She adjusts the pulse pistol then fires a shot at John.
"Thank you!" she yells. "So much better!"
"You missed!" yells John as he runs off down the corridor, laughing.

Continuing down the corridor, John comes across Chiana. She is examining the wanted beacon which is displaying the image of Scorpius repeating the name "John Crichton". John asks Chiana what she is doing and she kicks him in the crotch and runs off. John falls to the deck gasping. He looks at the image of Scorpius and comments that the others don't know how crazy they are acting.

The image suddenly changes into the real Scorpius who walks over and kneels beside John.
"You're right, John." Scorpius says. "They don't get it. They don't get how crazy they are... because they stole the crackers!"

John starts walking along the corridor with Scorpius following. Scorpius asks John if he enjoys revenge.
"Revenge is a dish best served cold." Scorpius says. "And you like revenge, don't you?"
"I hate it when villains quote Shakespeare." replies John.

T'raltixx asks Pilot for more power and Pilot says he cannot provide it. T'raltixx then says that the others are plotting against Pilot and that he must trust him. Pilot channels more power to T'raltixx.

John, now carrying two pulse pistols, finds D'Argo in the cargo bay and tells D'Argo to drop his Qualta Blade. He does and tells John to kill him. At this point Scorpius arrives and tells him to shoot D'Argo.
"Then we can go to the beach!" he says. "I know a place with naked Sebacean girls and margarita shooters!"

John points one gun at Scorpius and the other at D'Argo. Scorpius continues to urge him to kill D'Argo and John shoots D'Argo in the leg then turns both guns on Scorpius, who now wants to go for Italian food. John complains that he doesn't like Italian then turns back to find D'Argo gone.

Chiana is walking through the corridors looking for either D'Argo or Zhaan when John finds her and slams her against the wall. He points his pulse pistol at her and she struggles, saying she can help him.
"Is that why your family abandoned you?" he asks. "Because you'd spread 'em for anybody, anytime?"

Scorpius appears again and tells John not to kill Chiana.
"Show a little bit of patience." he says. "Tie her up. Kill the others. Then we can have a little bit of fun with her."
John says he likes the idea and hits Chiana with the pulse pistol, knocking her unconscious.

On Command, Rygel says that he hears John coming. Aeryn asks if he plans to switch sides and knocks him off his thronesled. He falls to the floor, unconscious. John arrives, still holding both pulse pistols, and looks at her.
"This is becoming a problem you're gonna need professional help with." he tells her. "First you betray the Peacekeepers and every vow you've made since you were born. And now poor Sparky, here?"
He laughs, then continues. "Tell, me Princess, when you're old and fat, will you have anything to look back on with pride?"
Aeryn becomes angry. "Why don't you make another speech, you self-important, deficient little man. All you ever do is talk! Your father was the hero, you know. You, you're just this test monkey that screwed up your first experiment."
John simply laughs. "That is good! That is fantastic... coming from a frigid, flat-butted Peacekeeper skank!

Suddenly, Scorpius appears again. He is now wearing a Hawaiian shirt and carrying two bottles. "Kill her." he says. "Then we'll have pizza! And some margarita shooters!"
"No one" says John, swinging both pulse pistols to point at Scorpius. "has margaritas with pizza!"

He shoots Scorpius in the head. Scorpius's head bursts into dozens of small Scorpius heads which spin around the room laughing then disappear. John and Aeryn both seem to briefly return to normal. Aeryn asks what is happening and John tells her that he just shot Scorpius and that Scorpius wanted him to shoot her.

Aeryn becomes angry again. "You're wrong." she says. "When I'm old and fat..." she stops and looks down at herself, then continues. "...when I'm old, there is one thing I'm going to look back on with enormous pride. And that is killing you!"

She fires a shot at John but it goes wide. He returns fire and misses as well. Both of them dive for cover and exchange shots with each other until both of their pistols run out of charge. They both climb from cover and charge each other, screaming.

We next see John walking down a corridor and dragging an unconscious Aeryn behind him. He drags her into the cargo bay where the rest of the crew is tied up. He ties Aeryn up beside them then pours water over her to wake her up.

He points out to all of them that they are past the pulsars but are continuing to act crazy. Rygel tries to interrupt him and John shoots a pile of crackers over his head. He asks Zhaan to tell them what she told him and she admits that she had a stronger reaction when around T'raltixx than when she was exposed to the pulsars. She blisses out again and John tells the crew that he needs their help. Aeryn tells him "no" and he shoots a box of crackers over her head, showering her with broken bits of cracker. She pulls out some crackers which fell down the front of her shirt and eats them.

T'raltixx, meanwhile, asks Pilot for more power and Pilot says that he is already at overload. All of Moya is starting to glow.

John opens the door to the hanger bay and shows the others that it is glowing. He says that T'raltixx wants them fighting among each other so that he can create light. Zhaan says that all of the DRDs are in the room they gave T'raltixx and it is glowing brighter that the rest of Moya. The others all agree that T'raltixx needs to be stopped and he starts to untie them. Aeryn grabs him and tells him to never point a gun at her again then goes to untie the others.

Both Aeryn and D'Argo want to go kill T'raltixx but John says that he is the only one who is managing to keep himself under control so that it will have to be him. Chiana says that it must be because John has the worst eyesight of any of them. John won't believe this but they prove it to him by reading a warning sign in the bay that he cannot even see. They all file out of the bay, leaving John there alone.
"I'm not deficient." he says, following. "I'm superior. Humans are superior!"

Everyone goes to Zhaan's apothecary. Zhaan smears John with a "pre-digested" paste which will protect him from heat. D'Argo gives him a pair of goggles and his Qualta Blade and Aeryn gives him a shield she made from a piece of her Prowler. Chiana wraps a cloak made of solar-deflecting foil around him and puts a hat soaked in Zhaan's paste on his head. John comments that he looks ridiculous and Rygel says that it doesn't matter because he also has T'raltixx's disappearing device. He hangs the device around John's neck.

John strikes a heroic pose, sword held high, and starts humming "The Ride of the Valkyeries".

"We are going to die." says Aeryn.

They hook the device up to John's module and John tells Rygel not to run it more than ten microts. He then enters T'raltixx's room and starts cutting power cables. T'raltixx yells for Pilot and asks what is going on but Pilot says he cannot see anyone in the room.

Rygel counts to ten and pauses, then continues counting without cutting the power. The cable connecting the device to the module sparks and T'raltixx sees it and cuts it with a blast from his eyes. John becomes visible but continues to cut the power cables. T'raltixx shoots him with one of his eye blasts then flies into the air and attaches himself to the middle of the ceiling. He continues to cry out for more light and John shoots him with the Qualta Blade. T'raltixx falls to the floor.

"Go on, kill me!" he shouts at John. "There are thousands just like me. We will find another Leviathan to make our light! And when we do, we'll spread like a plague! We'll rise from our dormancy and kill you all!"
"I told them it was a mistake bringing you on board." is all John says. He stabs T'raltixx with the Qualta Blade and he dies in an eruption of light.

Later, everything is returning to normal. D'Argo and Rygel are in the galley and eating crackers when Pilot comes over the comms and apologizes to them, saying T'raltixx somehow brought out the worst in him. D'Argo says that he brought out the worst in all of them and accepts his apology, as does Rygel. Pilot thanks them and signs off.

D'Argo tells Rygel that he feels ashamed of what he did and Rygel admits that he thought D'Argo was going to kill him. D'Argo asks Rygel if he can forgive him and Rygel says no. Not yet.

On Command, Aeryn, Chiana, John and Zhaan are finishing putting everything back from the barricade Aeryn had built. Chiana starts to ask John about some of the things he said to her. John starts to apologize but she stops him.
"Oh, no, no. Don't apologize." she says. "I was impressed. How did you come up with all of that crap?"
John replies to her while looking at Aeryn, who is standing off to one side. "I don't know, Pip. It's just there." He goes to stand near Aeryn.

Zhaan asks if she said anything to hurt anyone and says that the reaction T'raltixx triggered in her was so intense she can't remember anything. Chiana assures her that she was the best of all of them and that she wishes she couldn't remember what happened. Chiana leaves.

John turns to Aeryn. "Listen." he says, uncomfortably. "Uh... anything I said... I, uh..."
She nods, also uncomfortable. "I know." she says. "Me, too." She lowers her head and leaves Command.

John stares into space and says to himself. "Humpty-Dumpty sat on a wall. And all the King's horses and all the King's men..." He stops, then turns to Zhaan.
"Hey, Zhaan." he asks. "How do we take it all back?"
Zhaan shakes her head. "I don't know."

John nods in understanding and looks sadly out into space again.

Zhaan's reaction to bright light was first revealed in Till the Blood Runs Clear. We also saw a wanted beacon for the crew of Moya in that episode and that beacon did contain a secret message for Aeryn.

In DNA Mad Scientist it is established that Luxans do not apologize but D'Argo does apologize to Rygel in this episode. Inconsistancy?

What was T'raltixx up to? What was causing Moya to produce light supposed to accomplish? Who are his people? What does he mean by their "dormancy"?

Why was John seeing Scorpius? Everyone else was acting strangely but none of them seemed to be seeing things. What was causing John to react differently?

Was there really a warning sign on the wall of the bay? Or, was everyone having a bit of fun at John's expense?

Crackers Don't Matter is an extremely funny episode and, at the same time, a very dark episode.

There are a lot of really funny scenes here. The shoot-out between Aeryn and John on Command is hilarious as is the scene where everyone is tied up in the cargo bay and John keeps shooting the crackers over their head. Everything culminates in the climax where John gets dressed as a knight from a costumer's nightmare and heads off to confront T'raltixx, probably one of the funniest scenes on Farscape to date. And we have to remember that all of this conflict is because everyone is afraid that someone else will get their crackers.

We won't even mention seeing Scorpius in a Hawaiian shirt. Of course, depending on your point of view that may also be one of the frightening bits.

On the other hand, there is some quite dark and fairly nasty dialog going on underneath all the humor. While the shoot-out on Command is funny some of the things that Aeryn and John say to each other will make you wince. John's comment on how Aeryn has betrayed everything she has known and her response that his father was the real hero and he is a failure are actually quite painful and will probably haunt both of them for some time to come.

Also worth noting is the scene where John has Chiana against the wall. He gets in a few viscious comments to her and Scorpius' suggestion of "saving her for dessert" is actually quite creepy.

All of the scenes are quite well done and the episode as a whole works well, clearly showing the crew in its descent to paranoia and insanity. And, once again it is John and his Human resourcefulness which saves the day.

It should be noted that John kills T'raltixx without so much as a second thought. As recently as A Bug's Life I discussed how John seems to be reluctant to kill but in this case he did so without hesitation. It could be argued that he had good reason to do so, but John seems to be acting a bit odd this season. He was a bit more irritable than usual in Vitas Mortis and uncharacteristically blew off Chiana in Taking the Stone. He even asks Aeryn if he is acting "crazier than usual" in that episode. Here, everyone is going around the bend but John, while holding it together better than the others in some ways, seems to be the only one seeing hallucinations. And of Scorpius, no less. What is more frightening is that the Scorpius he sees is encouraging him to hurt or kill his friends. If T'raltixx wasn't causing the hallucinations, then what was?

Despite its strengths, the episode has a few weaknesses as well. There is really no good explanation for what is happening other than what T'raltixx tells us. Obviously the effect wasn't being caused by the pulsars but it isn't clear what was causing it. Zhaan's reaction seems to show that it was coming from T'raltixx himself but it is also possible that it was being caused by the light he was forcing Moya to emit.

Speaking of the light, what was T'raltixx's reason for creating the light in the first place? His people, whoever they are, needed a Leviathan to create light, for whatever reason, so that they could emerge from their dormancy, whatever that means. None of this is ever really explained.

It is also a bit odd that the crew so readily lets T'raltixx on board and pretty much gives him free run of Moya. They seemed to trust him from the beginning, with the exception of John. True, he did offer to create a "disappearing device" for Moya and it did seem to work when tested on John's module but the crew just seemed a little too eager to accept what he was telling them. Given their normal paranoia (and the fact that the planet they found him on was covered with wanted beacons for them) it just seemed odd that they let him aboard so readily and so willingly agreed to fly to his homeworld without anything to go on except his word.

In its second season, Farscape started off with a good episode but since then they have only been mediocre at best. Crackers Don't Matter is a step in the right direction but the show still hasn't regained the levels it had in the second half of the first season. Don't misunderstand, this is a good episode and one that is definitely worth seeing (if only for the final scene with John in his "armor") but it doesn't make it as a top episode either. Above average but nothing outstanding.

But the John in armor scene is really funny.