5/6/1998 g.g.Ashbrook
A man in a light brown suit picked up a pitcher of water off of the table right when we were about to begin eating. He tossed the pitcher into the air and caught it behind his back without spilling a drop. He scuttled down the rows between the tables and dark green wooden bench seats, rocking it in his hands, spinning it on the tip of his finger like a basket ball, and holding it out abruptly in different directions and making surprised faces, sad faces, grandmother faces, absurd tongue gestures, fish impersonations, and then clutching it to his body and waltzing with it with a long stemmed rose in his mouth, weaving his way around below the industrial fans, the I-beams, the hanging bird and peanut decorations, while all around him everyone was making plans for the distribution of foods.
At my table an old woman was bickering with a twelve year old kid on whether the string beans should be passed around clockwise or counter clockwise. And in the middle of her giving her answer the boy thrust his hand into her mouth and pulled out her pair of dentures, threw them on the floor and stomped on them and screamed "touch down, touchdown," as he proceeded to strip his clothes off. But before he got very far eight red poodles rushed out from the Orderly Ducts which were every twelve feet or so all around the room, and dragged him into the room adjoining the cafeteria which was filled neck deep with multicolored plastic balls which were electrified and erase your memory; for recreational purposes the room is to be use no more the once a week.
Jerry is sitting at the other end of the room today. Again he is sitting by the window, looking and hoping to see the cat that he suspects that his parents intended to give him for his birthday ten years ago, but because the cat ran away they never told him about it at all. In front of him is a yellow bucket filled with cottage cheese, and he is crying.
Samson is helping out the kitchen today like a good lad. He has been on his feet for four days and is been followed around by the head cook who has him on a dog leash and who is yelling muffled words into a backwards megaphone which has no batteries anyway.
I am waiting for the corn. I have been waiting for a week. The corn is yellow and goes with my plate, or rather would go well. The jelly beans are orange and they go with my plastic glass. Jelly Beans are much better to have around then to actually eat, because if you eat them they go away. Corn, however, is not like that. With corn, the more you eat, the more you have. All I need is one piece of corn, and I will be set for the rest of my life.
But I am not just sitting with Jelly beans and awaiting the days of corn, I am also on the other side of the room, watching myself wait, and keeping an eye on the man with the light brown suit. It is interesting that no one seems to notice him. In my hand is an upside down cup of chamomile tea which I drink by pouring it up into my nose which I have fitted with a velvet straw with one wide end. On this side of the room the people seated at the table are, for the most part, comparing leafs. At the middle of each table there is a giant stainless steel bowl which is continually kept to be filled to the top with all types of leafs. People are very fond of them, and hold them up to eachother’s faces to mark resemblance’s and differences. They also ask eachother to pose with the leafs, often pretending to be in various states of ecstasy. The top ten most popular inadvertent things to do with leafs as were voted on just last Tuesday are:
10) gluing small leafs to fingernails and toenails.
The man with the pitcher of water is now sitting down on a bench near one of the side exits and is tying his shoe. His wrists are thick and the collar on his shirt it tight and constricts when he leans over giving his face an additional red hue at no extra charge. He is almost done tying, tying that last knot, but the whole time he has been avoiding the use of the last three fingers of his right hand, even when he was handling the pitcher. He is breathing quick breaths, not out of breath, but looking around interminably, twisting his back, tapping his feet, practicing different smiles. Who has he at home? Who does he moreover wish to have at home? He finishes tying and reaches back and rubs his neck and shoulders. He takes a large hair brush out of his breast pocket and fluffs up his thick side burns. And he stands up, tipping over the pitcher of water. The vessel cracks and as it does a seam running down the man himself is exposed. Threads begin to break. The man’s outer body zooms off of him like a exhaling balloon and sails over the tables hitting the head cook in the face and megaphone causing him to fall, causing him to pull the leash decapitating Samson. Samson rushes to across the blue line now in control of his own head. Samson passes it to Frederick, Frederick is checked into the kitchen but the head is kept in the Zone by Pillow, Pillow takes a slap shot defelected by Samson and it hits the post. The head has cracked open and a bird singing Frank Sonatra flies into the girders of the ceiling. The Red poodle Orderlies rush out and man the cranks, lowing the ceiling while the cafeteria members grab their knives and spoons, baring their teeth and shouting, snapping. The bird is flying around franticly dodging lawn darts and door stoppers and shoes, "If I had plentyyyyy of Moneyyyyy and," the walls begin to close in as the auxiliary cranks are made operational. The building screams shut as the bird races up the chimney. A scaled fin reaches down and scoops him out. Placing him on a stock certificate next to a small broken toy box.
The fish pats the bird on the head and rubs rose petals over his own drying lips, and he turns his fin to check the time. One of his eye’s begins to rotate and move out of the fishes head. It spins faster and faster until it is well away from the head and out on a rod where it ceases to spin. A small long jointed staircase unfolds from the socket down to the table top, down which a small figure runs and over to the bird to open the side hatch. Out of the bird, half conscious, tumbles another figure. The first supports the second and walks them over to a white gum eraser, where they collapse and pull the corner of a napkin over them.
9) throwing leafs to see if they will stick into the wall.
8) putting leafs in the hair of the person sitting next to you and then telling everyone else to look and then laughing and pointing.
7) using the leafs as holders while creating an attractive advertising scheme displaying the various sauces and spreads that the cafeteria provides.
6) push rod assisted leaf enemas.
5) giving the leafs to servers as generous tips.
4) achieving the skill-requiring leaf papercut.
3) watching the leafs turn into dogs.
2) Looking through books of Egyptian and Mayan Art and pointing to something which clearly isn’t a leaf and saying, "here’s another one,"
1) looking at the ceiling.