Sometimes people on Usenet make
non-points. This turned up in the perennial
discussion of US vs. Canada: which is better.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Arab Network America)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.tom-servo,alt.religion.kibology,soc.history.what-if
Subject: Re: Canadians on the warpath
Date: 4 May 1998 04:20:03 GMT
Organization: people come to see the throng
In article <354e56c7.1807959@news.isomedia.com>, valhalla@isomedia.com
(Webquestor) wrote:
>I don't get this. On the subject of penises what does size
has to do
>with this thread? I know that men, out of competitiveness
and other
>interest are curious about how they measure up against other men.
>
>Unfortunately, our society is so hung up on sex that it is considered
>to be sick for men to have such interest. So a normal interest
is kept
>in the closet. I bet that during the life of most men and
boys they
>have wondered if they are longer and etc. than their friend or
another
>guy. And they have speculated that they might be a "better"
man
>in that department than someone whom they are having problems
>with such as a boss or etc.. Not too many men are going
to ask
>their close male friend statistic information on this subject.
>
>I had a co-worker friend, who was in his 30s ask me. I was
older and
>did not want to lie to him. I told him and he told me.
Afterwards I
>thought about this and thought that it was not really a big deal
for
>him to be interested. I also read earlier Dr. Ruben book
on
>"Everything you wanted to know about sex but was afraid to ask".
>This book convinced me that so much of what is a core part of
out
>existance has been made bad by misguided repressed people.
***READING COMPREHENSION TEST***
1: The point that the author is trying to make is that...
(A) Comparative penis length and office politics are a volatile
combination.
(B) Reading books by Jewish doctors is a worthwhile time
investment.
(C) The emotional needs of men are often overlooked in the
cold,
unfeeling environment
of the modern workplace.
(D) It is healthy to ask a man about the size of his penis
as
long as he is Canadian.
(E) The idea of penis length as a measure of worth is held
back
by repressed people.
2: A good title for this essay would be:
(A) A friend confides...
(B) Tearing through the Sex Nazi-engendered milieu of
guilt and shame.
(C) My penis, your business
(D) Hows abouts that blonde in accounting, VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
(E) Forging male connections in an atmosphere of taboo
STOP
This is me replying to Tlerll replying
to Kibo replying to a script
format offering from legendary net-kook Archimedes
Plutonium.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (water (milk))
Newsgroups:
alt.usenet.kooks,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.os.tlerll
Subject: Re: New movie MISSION IMPOSSIBLE harvest-moon the loon-goon
Date: 4 Mar 1998 04:39:10 GMT
Organization: Baby Polar Bear Rescue Unit
In article <6dfscj$102@chile.earthlink.net>, tlerll@earthlink.net wrote:
>In article <kibo-0203981739290001@kibo.std.com>,
>James "Kibo" Parry <kibo@world.std.com> wrote:
>>In six, count 'em, six sci.* newsgroups,
>>Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu (Archimedes Plutonium) wrote:
>
>But Kibo, the sci. newsgroups exist for discussion of the illustirous,
adored,
>and highly intelligent Archimedes Plutonium, not for stupid old
science, like
>those advertisements-in-disguise, those "alt." groups are!
>
>(Tlerll begins to sing to the tune of the "Transformers" theme
song.)
I think the reason I can never really be funny is because
I don't really
remember any television I watched before I was nine, just vague
snatches
of Voltron and the like. I do remember, however, that the GoBots
were a
rare instance of a rip-off being cooler than the original.
>ALT. NEWSGROUPS!
>OUT TO DESTROY SCI.!
>
>ALT. NEWSGROUPS!
><K00L R0B0T VOICE>ADVERTS IN DISGUISE!</K00L R0B0T VOICE>
For some reason, InfiNet seems to have stopped getting posts
from Archie
Pu. They've probably killfiled him because of his efforts to stop
the
loonies and homely women of alt.* from spamming the august halls
of sci.*
to enrich the pockets of their ISPs in which they hold many shares
of
stock. Why, Infi.net's pockets have been greatly enriched since
I've
started spamming my dusty dry jokes from alt.religion just 9 months
ago!
Just look at these helpful charts!
$$$ Infi.net $$$
5 |
5 | x
|
|
4 | .
4 | .
| .
| x
$ 3 | .
$ 3 | .
|
.
| x
2 |
. 2 |
.
|
x x
| . x
1 | x
x 1 |
x
|_x____________
|______________
A B C
D E
A B C D E
1996
1997
HYPOTHESIS:
Spamming sci.* enriches the pockets
of our piddle-paddle company.
_______________
___/ \ | \___
_/ 1994
\_
/ \ |
1997 \
/
\|
\
| 1998 $______________|
<--- PIE
\ (projected) | \
/ CHART
|\_ |
\ 1996 _/|
|::\___ |1995 \ ___/
|
|:::::.\_ _ _ _|_ _ _ _/... |
\::::::........:.......:.... /
\_ ::.........:.......:... _/
\___ .......:.......:___/
\_______________/
Let us consider the hypothesis
PROVEN!
>>Show little green OCR computer letters going across the bottom
of the
>>screen making beeping noises:
>>
>>W A S H I N G T O N , D . C .
>>
>>W E D N E S D A Y 3 : 4 5 P M
>>
>>I . Q . : 7 5
>>
>>> Show some people honking their horns who are friends of mine.
Archimedes Plutonium rings his bike bell in response as he swerves past.
>>Ah, so it's a fantasy.
>
>He may not have friends, but he DOES have connections! A few weeks
ago my
>boss at earthlink fired me for mocking this genius to bring in
more money
>for earthlink!
Don't listen to this "misTER omeLET"[1] man! Kibo is a dangerous
cult
leader figure!
Matt McIrvin gave up his career as a nookuhler scientist
to become a
daffy Kibo cultie! Jay C. Jacimiak chose alt. groups over his girlfriend!
His/her increasing obsession with alt. got Well Basically kicked
out of
the B'nai B'rith! I became one of Kibo's nattering nutterers and
had my
honarary membership to Sam's Club revoked!
(Boy do I ever abandon character to go for the cheap punch
line. And,
believe me, Sam's Club is a cheap punch line. Sure, it's a little
more
expensive than Walmart and is creepily underlit, but it's worth
it just to
not have to deal with the "rabble".)
[snip!]
>>> Me: I accept right now. But I have several questions. [Questions
>>> concerning mission one deleted until Harvest Project is ended].....
And
I beginning to think even YOU don't know what the Harvest
Project is,
Archimedes Plutonium.
>>> about this Kibo, should I take any prisoners of Kibo followers?
And
>>> about the third mission, how can I know that I am the "personae"
that
>>> term is nebulous?
>>
>>Archimedes Plutonium admits to being plural, film at 11.
>
>You left a bit out:
>
>Archimedes Plutonium admits to being plural, feminine, and most
disgusting of
>all NOMINATIVE, film at 11.
>
>>> Next scene shows me leaving the inner chambers for my Washington
DC
>>> office overlooking the river and the cherry trees with the
Washington
>
>Haw haw, MONICA LEWINSKY's "cherry trees", if you know what Rush
means, and he
>thinks you do! Haw haw!
>
>>> Me: Pamela, we got a nice stay at home mission this time and
it will
>>> take over a year, simply computer work.
>
>NEWSFLASH: SO-CALLED "GENIUS" ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM SAYS "WE GOT",
NOT "WE HAVE
>GOT". SUSPECTED OF BEING BOZO OR SOMETHING. OPERA AT 2 AM, BECAUSE
OPERA IS
>LAME AND NO ONE WATCHES IT EXCEPT BOZOS WHO WATCH EVERYTHING AND
JERKY
>INTELLECTUALS WHO ARE TOO SMART TO WATCH TV, THEY THINK BOOKS
ARE BETTER THAN
>TV, WHAT A BUNCH OF LAMERS. NOW KIDS, STAY TUNED FOR "READING
IS FUN AND
>BETTER THAN TV", WITH ANTON LAVEY.
>
>>> --- here the story is true and not fiction ---
>>>
>>> By the autumn of 1997, I was deep into the Harvest
Project. And here
>>> is where the story picks up.
>>>
>>> --- start of old posts ---
Boy, this movie is so "cyber-" that maybe you should prefix
the title
with an "e-"- as in email or emate. Amnd this way, the intellectual
property owners of MISSION IMPOSSIBLE couldn't sue you to enrich
their own
pockets.
>Oooh! The GOOD part!
>
>>Better yet, let's combine ALL the planets of the Solar System
into
>>one! It would be named Mersuraniapito, and it would have
Earth's atmosphere,
>>those cool dinosaurs that live on Venus, those wacky canals from
Mars,
>>the beautiful rings of Saturn, and the cartoon dogs of Pluto.
>>And it would be made of yummy candy! And everyone would
be happy forever
>>and ever, and Archimedes Plutonium would be King Of Mersuraniapito.
The glaring ommission here leads me to believe Kibo is trollering us.
[sniperoony: The Sans a "Joke Here" treat]
>HOT, RADIOACTIVE PLUTONIUM PIX:
>
>http://123.1244.35.34.5.34.5.3.5.64.3.5435.345.34.3245.55/~too-seekrit/illegal/
>not-porno/not-hot-orgy-pictures/not-plutonium.not-html
<1994)
You idiot! Now they'll be overloaded with hits and have to
shut down and
relocate!
I have the addresses of twelve adult sites. Email me if you
have any to trade.
</1994>
Now, of course, there is enough free porn for all. Chaos Theory
tells us
that free porn finds a way.
>>> That would be the tool to bring the searchenginebombing
>>> onto front stage and center.
>>>
>>> Show me laying the trail that I hate searchenginebombing.
>>
>>I see, it's like "The Crying Game"! Everyone will be talking
about
>>the secret: JUST WHAT THE HELL IS "SEARCHENGINEBOMBING"?
>
>ARCHIMEDES SEARCHENGINEBOMBED:
>
>The story of a man who threatend to destroy the radioactivity
of the USENET
>totality theorum-and did.
>
>With it's immortal query "WHAT IS SEARCHENGINEBOMBING?", ARCHIMEDES
SEARCHENG-
>INEBOMBED is not only the work of one of the greatest scientists
of this
>century, but one of it's greatest and most original kooks.
>
>>> Show me and Pamela and the chief of NASA in the inner
chambers of
>>> Washington DC. Show us drinking champagne and eating truffles
and
No expense was spared in the production of EMISSION IMPOSSIBLE;
filmed in
some of America's most extravagent hotel lobbies and cast with
women of
only the most ludicrously enhanced proportions, there is already
a buzz in
the Academy about a 1997 Oscars sweep.
Is EMISSION IMPOSSIBLE the greatest movie ever made?
>>> laughing over the classic trap.
Ahhh, nothing like good old TRAP... it's never failed me yet!
You can
always count on TRAP to dispose of meddling goonclods.
Nope, ya can't improve on a classic... TRAP! For laughing
over! Also
enjoy TRAP Lite!
>PAMELA takes off her clothes and DANCES AROUND NEKKID for HALF
AN HOUR for
>Archimedes Plutonium because KRAZY SCIENCE IS SEXY.
>
>>> Me: oh was that a beautiful trap, why on 1 March I could just
see that
>>> goon of Kevin Allegood and other goonclods not knowing which
way to
>>> turn.
Broken Glass theory tells us that Usenet Goonclods find a way.
>I've figured it out! Archimedes Plutonium, trying to destroy a
good Irishman
>like Seamus Rib O'Flavin: he must be trying to destroy Ireland!
>
>ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM REVEALED TO BE BEHIND IRISH POTATO FAMINE!
RIVERDANCE AT
>ELEVEN!
No, Archimedes Plutonium, the Potato Famine goes in the front!
OK, I kinda stole that joke from Kibo, but it's topical because
all
things Irish are the soul of all things Kibological.
(Kooky '50s animated cross-section of Tlerll's head. Inside
his brain, we
see the phrase "Nietzsche is peachy" crushed by the phrase "Binchy
is
ginchy". Tlerll's brain now clears out into an empty stage. MICHAEL
FLATLEY and his troupe enter.)
MICHAEL FLATLEY: Only he with Kibo Inside(tm) can become a Dancing Star!
(FLATLEY and his troupe begain dancing to faux Celtic music
which is soon
drowned out by low rumbles and reverse-shift beeping noises. Ingersoll
and
Spinoza earth-moving vehicles slowly roll on stage, crushing the
horrified
dancers in an orgy of blood and thick, suffocating exhaust. A sign
reading
"Harvest" lowers from the ceiling with half of its marquee lights
flashing
dimly. When the smoke clears up, we see banshees doing interpretive
dances
around the corpses. They are not wearing pants. ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM
jumps
out of the cab door of a bulldozer, dusts himself off and starts
whistling
"My Gentle Harp" (as said by Hubert Parry; "the most beautiful
tune in the
world".) He moseys on over to the comically oversized throwswitch
at stage
left clearly labelled "HAARP" and is joined by Alexander Abian.)
ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM: The final stage of Harvest involves
disjointing
alt. from sci. HAARP will do this and increase internet bandwidth,
too.
ALEXANDER ABIAN: We must blow up the moon and reorbit Venus
to become a
born-again Earth. HAARP can do that!
(AP and AA both lay a hand on the HAARP throwswitch, hold
their breath,
and pull the lever down. They quickly shut their eyes and plug
their ears
with their fingers. After five seconds of silence, there is a great
rumbing. The camera shakes spastically. stucco falls from the ceiling.)
(CUT to an enormous grid of poles and wires buzzing with blue
lightening
cheesizily superimposed on the footage. CUT to computer animation
of Earth
being blown away from the moon and flying into the void of cold,
cold
space. CUT to a time lapse sky panorama showing the days becoming
more
erratic, the sun becoming just another star, and ice slowly covering
everything.)
(TLERLL jumps out of bed in a cold sweat.)
TLERLL: Archimedes Plutonium hates the Irish. Only some sort
of monster
could hate the Irish!
CAPTION: To hate Kibology is to hate the Irish, and only some
sort of
monster could hate the Irish! This message brought to you by the
foundation for spamming dusty dry jokes into sci.* for the enrichment
of
world.std.com's pockets.
(BTW, that's the first and only time I'll make a "pants" joke.
The whole
"pants" thing always struck me as being a little bit dry, no pun
intended.
The name Hubert Parry really did pop up when I did some quick research
in
my folksongbook about "My Gentle Harp", an Irish folksong whose
more
commonly known derivative is "Danny Boy," so I was Fully Justified
in my
references.)
>>> Pamela: (pretty tall redhead)
STOP CASTING POROSTITUTES!
giggling, sort of like they were
>>> crucified, and could not turn up or down or forwards or backwards,
that
>>> is the classical trap.
An oddly Bergmanian touch, Pu.
[snip.]
>>Oh, come on. People who were crucified could turn and bend
if they
>>were on a cross made of bendy straws. And it would make
fun religious noises,
>>too! Poppoppoppop! That would make the Bible fun
for everyone, even
>>the people being crucified!
Unfortunately, Mattel's "So0per-Bendy Golgotha Shunt" was
discontinued
shortly after Christmas because its religious aspects made alot
of people
nervous.
BTW, I'll have to tell you guys about how MY skull was almost pierced
recently. Later.
>IT'S PONCHUS PILATE FOR KIDS! THE FIRST ONE TO CRUCIFY JESUS WINS!
>
>>> Me: yes, and to think that those loons thought that I needed
the
>>> searchengines at all. Why between January and March1 of 1998
I almost
>>> had the Fusion Barrier Law complete and I discovered my Sociology
>>> theory that of Math Induction on History Analogy allied with
Kant's
>>> Categorical Imperative. Obviously the loon-goons never look
beyond
>>> their front noses
Spamming sci. is in OPPOSITION to the CATEGORICAL IMPERATIVE.
I've been reading the net.legends FAQ, does it show?
>As opposed to their BACK noses!
>
>>> Me: no thanks I like to target practice with that ultra light
laser
>>> guided 22. I simply do not have the time but will go target
practicing.
>>> Are you free this weekend?
>
>ULTRA! LIGHT! LASER! GUIDED! 22! NOW YOU CAN KILL PEOPLE JUST
LIKE CAPTAIN
>DETHROCK!
>
>CAPTAIN DETHROCK: THE POWER OF DETHROCK IS YOURS!
>
>(Show kids with ULTRA! LIGHT! LASER! 22!s holding them up to the
sky and
>screaming)
>
>KIDS: DETHROCK!!!!!!!!!!
I'm "'bout it, 'bout it" with DETHROCK. And I know "'bout
it, 'bout it"
is bana-fide "Gen Y" slang and just not some here-today-gone-tomorrow
b-boyism because I read it in an article by Cox (huh huh) News
Service. I
love it because it's the most exclusionary slang phrase to come
down the
pike in years- it's almost as hermetic as "Soy Bomb." I can imagine
some
substite teacher somewhere trying to get a rapport going with unwilling
students by using the phrase "'bout it, 'bout it." Only she would
say it
phonetically or have the second "'bout it" higher in pitch than
the first
or wouldn't say it raspily enough and all the kids would laugh
at her
instead. Or kill her. Yes, I think the students would end up killing
her,
"'bout it, 'bout it" is that exclusionary.
Unfortunately, but as per usual, I fall in the crack between
the
generations that fall between the cracks. I'm too old for Gen Y
and too
young for Gen X. Harumph. And I don't hang out at kewl coffee joints
like
"The Daily Grind" like gen-u-wine Gen Yers do.
I want to have a combinaion coffeeshop/barbershop so it could
have the
cutsiest, cleverest name ever, but I'm not clever enough to think
of what
that might be.
I wish I was a cool Gen-Xer like Janeanne Garafolo or David
Cross; I want
to have cameos in movies just playing my disaffected self. I wish
I was a
cool Gen-Xer like Ethan Hawke or Steven Dorff; I want to cameo
in an
astoundingly mediocre series like "What a Dummy!" Big Head theory
tells
that us mediocre television finds a way. I've *been* on television.
Good gag,
Jonny Cuteslacker
[1] Actual local folklore: A bad storm blew letters off a Mister
Omelet
sign so it just read "TERLET". Believe it... or don't![2]
[2] This joke was stolen from Steven Tanner.[3]
[3] Maybe I should have just ended with the joke.
--
http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html - NEW:
Sto0pid MIDI files
"Art O'Brien: Cop" ~ "Bacon or Tripe?" ~ "NBC Opera Riot" ~ "A
Pro/Con Tribe"
"I Borne To Crap" ~ "Coroner Bit Pa" ~ "Be or Rot? Panic!" ~ "A
Robot Prince"
"Torn CIA Probe" ~ "Croon? It be Rap!" ~ "Nero Atop Crib"
~ "A Boor Crept In"
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (The Pleasing Consistency)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: EXTREME NIPCHEE!
Date: Tue, 28 Nov 2000 04:08:41 -0500
Organization: curse words in the newspaper
IT'S NIPCHEE!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
) . . (
) . . . (
) . . (
) . . . ( <-- Nipchee
) (
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NIPCHEE!!!
The snack sensation sweeping America's disenfranchised Gen-X
youth who'll
try anything once.
NIPCHEE!!!
The snack cracker that understands it wouldn't be variety
without a
little blandness.
Certain net legends have a predilection to foodstuffs that
border on
being inedible (durian wafers) or indigestible (Jar Jar Binks tongue
action lollypops), and Nipchee understands the caché and
respectfully
defers, but that's not what Nipchee is about. Nipchee doesn't "push
boundaries", Nipchee doesn't "challenge your preconceptions"; Nipchee
is
mostly enriched wheat flour, vegetable shortening, and whey. Nipchee
contains leavening, so it's the goyisch treat that can also be
enjoyed by
Jews who have Just Stopped Caring. Nipchee is manufactured in a
facility
that also processes peanut containing products, so be careful because
of
anaphylactic shock!
NIPCHEE!!!
The product whose name makes the experience of shopping more
like being
subdued by a tarp and beaten about the head until all becomes tarry
abyss
for your average American consumer, what with your processed cheese
foods
and your sweet spreads and whatnot.
NIPCHEE!!!
If something happened to you once, and then you forgot it,
it was
probably Nipchee!
--
It don't take a year to figure out that one of the candidates
is a
hostile alien space fungus and the other has been dead for
three
thousand years.
-Pete Willard
TWIDN -- http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
It was an innovation of Kibo's to take a quoted text and insert new text between the carriage returns, connecting the end of one line with the beginning of the next in a new way. This was my humble, failed attempt.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Brechtze Meerhor)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: INTERNATIONAL UNION of BRICKLAYERS and ALLIED CRAFTSMEN
Date: 1 Oct 1998 01:44:32 GMT
Organization: Levittown: Legacy of Shame
(Note to reader: The original quoted text was not wrapped at all,
and
when I brought it into BBEdit for formatting, I inadvertantly wrapped
it to the Philip bar (patent pending) instead of to a more standard
column width; thus, instead of being wrapped to 72 or 80 columns,
it's
wrapped to more like *A HUNNERT*! It wasn't until it was nearly
completed that I realized the considerable difference. It's hard
for me
sometimes. Sort buttons.
Anyway, just try adjusting your article window if you're
using a GUI
newsreader and things should right themselves.
See? All bay-tur naah-yew.)
In a newsgroup having naught to do with bricklaying, masonry, &c.
wedlnokw@makesme.sick, who is sickened by wedlock, wrote in article
<9c7ce$112928.36b@EXCALIBUR>:
> I can't understand how a local could be so prosperous one
year, and after a take over by the
Dead Presidents What Hate the Brotherhood of Archimedes Clones,
the key to the survival of the
> international of BAC falls to crap. Let me explain. We
were once called LOCAL #33 of Atlantic
Oddfellows; we ate gelatin and watched Armistead Maupin's Really
Over-The-Top Tales of Many A
> City which embelshed Atlantic, Cape May, and
Cumberland Counties and we were happy. One day
Euripides was some having trouble with the crop, so he took some
horse poop that my stoopid ol'
> BIG BROTHER steped in and choose to incoperate our fertile soil
with those of an equily but
and thus modern fertilization technique came to be. With newfound
mobility, herds of PuClones[tm]
> hevely populated Nothern Counties. The big brother being
THE INTERNATIONAL UNION of BRICKLAYERS
found near Mount Rushmore-- the astoundingly improbable natural
monument that JUNIOR CARTOGRAPHER
> and ALLIED CRAFTSMAN located where else but Washington DC ,USA.
Now we have a bunch of people
who are really just huge head-shaped rock formations and who have
never heard OF a trowel, or
> who never seen a trowel before or forgot what one looked like
telling us what to do (sound
bellows forth from their mouthes, but it's some sort of moon man
language with which few of us are
> familiar). They told us here in Local #33 that we had to
merge with Local #5 AND WE HAD TO GIVE
ALL OF THEM BIG WET GIRLY KISSES! "You are ---- you eat": BIG APPLE
MINUTE OMELET STUCCO TRAFFIC
> NEW YOUK OUR TILE, MARBLE AND TARAZZO TRADSMEN.(what).
Thats right we needed to give up what we
were saving for those TOTAL DREAMBOATS in Local #9. This is NOT
what our post-apocalyptic forebears
> fought for. In order to maintain our vested benifits
in th Iof U BAC and allied craftmen we had
to sponge the Animal 57s off and change the water in their tank
daily; they said we either had
> to do this or loose them. Now for those who had duel trades
and equally proficient at both had
long since shot themselves with two different guns from two opposite
directions when forced
> to choose between New York or where the lived New Jersey ( I'm
suuprised Whittman didn't step
out of his climate-controlled display case on Mickle street to
personally see all the new arrivals
> in). Now the people that lived in New Jersey and by the
hundreds had to join a New York Local
were alarmed at the relative dearth of Harmful Particles. NJ is
a Garden State that SMELLS BAD!
> ( bullshit). Meanwhile the old locals maintained there
old benifit plans with people to
just spite them through their continued oldness and proximity.
We have to pay for nurses to
> administrate them and although we were whole we were still devided
by our sums. ( I need a math
place I can go to explore math-- like an arithmetic lab of sorts.)
I'm hiring saxophonists (Bb
> major) and paying them rather well. I in fact know that the old
Local #33 of Atlantic City pays
children to taunt the elderly and disenfranchised; to scare the
crap out of one couple, #33 paid
> at least two people journeymans wages and neither ever laid a
brick or any
other masonary unit whose name one might use as a sillynym for
poo.
[...]
(Note to reader: Here things got a little uneven.)
[...]
> pay the administrator and his staff and the administrator of
the administrator and ther staff
and so on and so on. I'd like to "administrate my staff" RN, IYKWIM,
AITYD, but can't afford to
> because our adminastrator has to pay a financial administrator
to do there job and to supply the
computers made out of fragile papyrus and provide the inkwells.
They can't use ballpoint pens to do
> programming for there computers because the are not quilified
to do it . Sound confusing? Well
not anymore! From the people who brought you the Bedazzler... the
Debaffler! That work with good
> that the way the like it . If yoiu can't dazzel them with
brilliance baffel them with bull shit.
If you can do both, Kibology needs you REAL BAD!
THE END!
Robert "How come I can never get these jokey middle-name sign-off
thingies in at under one
line?" Caponi
P.S. This is what Moon Man Language sounds like to me: "*BLEEP*
*BLORNK*
whir-whir-whir *BREEP*
KA-CA*CHING* tlink-tlink-tlink-tlink-tlink..." I'm sorry, it just
does.
My Meister Eckerd-San template never took off.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Fire Engines All Day Long)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Jaffo's Predictions for Y2K
Date: Sat, 01 Jan 2000 18:25:18 -0500
Organization: Captain CVS and the Sundry Revolutionaries
In article <000001bf54a8$c81f5a00$2a50a0d8@uswest.net>, "Jas
A.I."
<jasai@jasai.com> wrote:
> While this could indeed be true, let's not rush to egotistical
judgment
> about "Our Times." There
> has been junk news, radio, and tv, long before you or I were
around. There
> is a one Mr. Walter
> Winchell (http://www.wired.com/wired/archive/3.02/streetcred.html)
who
> almost single handled was accused of
> tearing apart the very journalistic fabric of our dear country.
At every
> turn, someone thought what was being said (erm reported) was
just _too_
> outrageous.
>
> Of course, I wouldn't be so bold as to disagree with you Michael,
on your
> main point. However, before you have all the whacky folks from
various media
> outlets sent to the guillotine, remember there has always been
someone out
> there ready to pander to "regular folks." I mean come on, those
that are
> looking for news aren't really watching TV for it anymore, are
they? ;)
Meister Eckerd-San Say...
___
/ \
|-_-|
_/'\_/'\_ -- Ideas
whose time have come are like ants in house;
/ \ / \
first see them when they are there,
| \ // |
then see when they are not,
| // =|
...then see them in you dreams!
_|===\_/ //_
/ / /
\
\_. / -- / /
\_________/
.______________.
//.______________.\
/// | _____ | \\\
||| |/ \| |:|
|:| // . ' \ :||
||| // : / DOOONNNNNNGGGGGG
|:| || : -- | :||
||| || : | |||
||| \\ : / |:|
||| \\. '. . ./ |||
||| \\_____/ |||
|:|
|:|
|||
|||
\L|
\L|
--
T.W.I.D.N. • http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
$199 a month • http://www.mp3.com/199amonth
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Fire Engines All Day Long)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.browneyed-girl
Subject: Re: Jaffo's Predictions for Y2K
Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2000 16:37:18 -0500
Organization: Captain CVS and the Sundry Revolutionaries
In article <vntc4.13967$Ia2.492798@newscene.newscene.com>,
rlindsay@shark.gsfc.nasa.gov (robert lindsay) wrote:
> It was 2 years for EACH PART thankyouverymuch although I guess
it was
> only 25 months or so total (Dec 1994 - Jun 1996) for round 1,
and
> (sept 1998 - feb 1999) for round two (which made up for it's
shortness
> by being as expensive as round 1).
Meister Eckerd-San Say...
___
/ \
|-_-|
_/'\_/'\_ -- He
who live in ugliest house...
/ \ / \
...have nicest view from window!
| \ // |
| // =|
_|===\_/ //_
/ / /
\
\_. / -- / /
\_________/
.______________.
//.______________.\
/// | _____ | \\\
||| |/ \| |:|
|:| // . ' \ :||
||| // : / DOOONNNNNNGGGGGG
|:| || : -- | :||
||| || : | |||
||| \\ : / |:|
||| \\. '. . ./ |||
||| \\_____/ |||
|:|
|:|
|||
|||
\L|
\L|
--
T.W.I.D.N. • http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
$199 a month • http://www.mp3.com/199amonth
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Brechtze Meerhor)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Part-time marriage all the rage in Egypt
Date: 13 Oct 1998 00:32:57 GMT
Organization: Present Company Excluded
In article <36219959.5F60@nospam.sc.hp.com>, Chris Franks
<cfranks@nospam.sc.hp.com> wrote:
> James Kibo Parry wrote:
> >
> > That doesn't help me. I work nights. Waah!
>
> So, Mr. Parry,
I was wondering if you came to any decision about the
> posting contest(s) that you were supposedly running in September.
> Since September seems to be somewhat over, do you have amy results?
I have a theory that, ever since that cloud of stinky purple
smoke blew
over from the Freedom Rally, Kibo can't remember stuff so good
anymore and
has thus forgotten to post the promised results of the Least Suckingest
A.R.K. Post from September 1998 contest. Of course, this is purely
theory
on my part, but, in support of it, I'd like to direct the reader's
attention to Kibo's increased use of the word "maaan" and his newfound
propensity for dropping preachy, unfunny, and almost certainly
misleading
factoids like "Hey, maaan, did you know hemp can be used to make
rope and
fuel for cars, maaan? RICHARD FENYMAN SMOKED GOOD AND HE WAS A
GEEN-YOUS,
MAAAN." Do they print this crap up in the stoner magazines as stuff
to
rattle off to any disinterested passers-by? Cuz I swear I'm finally
going
to crack if I hear this one more time.
And when you ask Kibo what the funny smell is, he just casts
knowing
glances at his "buds" and they all giggle and share their little
inside
joke at the expense of poor ol' naive you. Well the joke's
on the funny
smell people-- *they're* the ones cursed to spend the remainder
of their
days hiding smugly behind their funny smells and knowing glances
and
inside jokes, never to know anything better.
And am I the only person for whom stuff like cannabis sativa
and jimson
weed and, hell, even goldenrod looks, well, kinda *evil*? Is this
some
sort of vestigial what-is-fit-to-be-eaten instinct originating
from deep
within man's pointer/grunter ancestry?
Speaking of sativa and vestigial instincts, my parents recieved
a
howlingly funny brochure for a new Viagra-like drug in the mail
a few days
ago. I don't remember its name (something with an unusual stressed
syllable like the ones in 'sativa' and 'vestigial' that tripped
me up
every time I tried to pronounce it,) only that it was based on
extract
from a plant called somethingsomething sativa. Sadly, the brochure
has
since been thrown out before I got a chance to type some of it
up; this is
a loss for *you* because this stuff was comedy *GOLD*. One of the
many
testimonials in the booklet was from an 80-year-old man who said
something
like "Nowadays, I wake up every morning to find little johnny standing
up
as if to say 'good morning, old man.'" Of interest to me was the
fact that
many of the testimonials spoke of increased concentration and more
restful
sleep attendant to taking the drug; something that reinforced my
suspicion
that my difficulties in those areas is somehow related to my lukewarmess
in, well, *that* area.
So basically, the only funny thing I got out of *not* having
the brochure
is that I ended up doing a web search- to no avail- for +orgasm
+sativa
-cannabis (the last was added so I wouldn't have to wade through
the
aforementioned hemp rope/Richard Fenyman stuff.) Besides which,
I fear
this Laff-A-Day mailing list I have been subscribed to against
my will has
ruined me for sex humor forever. The fact that these bad, bad jokes
are
interspersed with advertisments makes it seem more likely that
this is
just a particularly cruel stunt by spammers trying to break you
down and
get you to 'unsubscribe'... whereupon you are added to a list of
live
email addresses. Sample joke: "What do you call a lesbian dinosaur
??? A
lickalottapuss !!!" See, it's funny because all dinosaur names
end with
"-apous" like that! Unfortunately, the joke kinda falls apart when
you
consider that a "puss" is a face and an alottapuss would be a big
face,
and then you start thinking about the SNL sketch where Dana Carvey
licks
Kirstie Alley's big head and you start wishing you were watching
it right
now.
Hey, I bought a head yesterday! You couldn't *pay* me to
lick it, though;
it's a creepy white ceramic baby's head that I bought at the SuperFlea,
and it's right now looking down on me from on top of my monitor.
I also
bought a handsomely designed c. 1934 TVA booklet from a guy who
actually
thoughtfully preserved his many posters, pamphlets, media items
&c. that
were actually *interesting*, as opposed to most of the people there
who
were just trying to unload their crap by passing them off as antiques.
The
TVA booklet jumped out at me not only because of its being fairly
attractive, but also because this whole FDR super-industrial Five
Year
Plan push-button TLA socialist utopia thingie is so not where I'm
at, and
thus hanging it on the wall would make me all Gen-X and ironical
and shit.
Actually, I didn't buy the items; it was my sister who did. Evidently,
this gave her license to criticize my selections, and that she
did... to
an extent that really betrayed the inexpensiveness of the items
($6.oo
apiece, hardly extravagent.) Right now she's keeping the TVA booklet
as a
Christmas present; I've not managed to scrape together the six
dollars for
the ceramic head, and have not spoken to her about the matter since.
I
didn't want *both* of them to be Christmas presents because I want
*some*
surprises and I just thought the baby's head would be kind of creepy
for a
Christmas present, especially if my brother and sister-in-law and
baby
niece were there. And besides which, Christmas is 3 whole months
away!
Actually, it's less than that now. It's just that I haven't
been able to
bring September to closure ever since Kibo never announced the
results of
the Best of Sep '98 contest. Either he's forgotten- and I have
no idea
*how* he could have forgotten- or there's been some MAJOR foot-dragging
on
his part.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Brechtze Meerhor)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Part-time marriage all the rage in Egypt
Date: 15 Oct 1998 15:49:31 GMT
Organization: Present Company Excluded
In article <3623D096.3C82@nospam.sc.hp.com>, Chris Franks
<cfranks@nospam.sc.hp.com> wrote:
> Brechtze Meerhor wrote:
> > I don't remember its name (something with an unusual stressed
> > syllable it was based on extract
> > from a plant called somethingsomething sativa.
>
> Was this, perhaps,
yohimbe?
This is what you sound like to me:
"Is it yohimba? huh? huh? Could you be thinking of yohimba?
huh? huh?
huh? I'm pretty sure it's yohimba! I'm pretty sure, if you try
and
remember, you'll find yohimba is the one you're looking for! So
is it?
huh? Is it yohimba? huh? huh? huh? Tell me if I'm right!"
This is me:
"Chris Franks, CALM DOWN. You're WRONG, ANYWAY."
And my writing is butchered enough as it is, thankyouverymuch.
(Just kidding. I love the Chris Franks.)
Some research has turned up 'Sexativa' as the name of the
mystery drug
that is not Viagra. The name seems almost designed to not be forgotten:
a
portmanteau of "sex" and "sativa". Undoubtedly there is a sizable
segment
of society for whom at least one of the two named items is dearer
to the
heart than just about anything else. So how come the just-as-deserving
"Sexativa" was skimmed off the top of my long-term memory queue
while
trade names such as "Funyuns" and "Eurosealer" were retained with
far less
exposure?
I think some background is in order.
Being a hearing impaired child, I was somewhat slow in arriving
at
language and had to make up for it big time in the phonics trailer--
an
education that I can't help but believe has- to this day- heavily
influenced the way I handle the written word. Unfortunately, this
education fails me completely when I run into a word like "Sexativa."
Sex-AT-uh-vuh? Sex-uh-TEE-vuh!?! I think this baffling indeterminacy
of
pronunciation caused the word to be rejected by my phonics brain--
much as
how a monkey won't look into a mirror because, if he looks too
long, he'll
see The Darwin Fish, and monkeys just can't wrap their brains around
The
Darwin Fish.
Looking for the said hilarious testimonials, I happened upon
the
company's web page. Whereas the brochure copy was well-written
and seemed
to have a sense of humor, the web page text isn't and doesn't.
They even
find a way to make Copperplate hurt my eyes. And on my monitor,
you have
to keep scrolling left and right to read the text.
Anyway...
On their dumb boring stupid web page, a company that is not Pfizer[1] writes:
> For centuries mankind has searched for a substance to enhance
sexual
> performance in the male. Years of research have revealed the
secret of
In high school, they gave us a list of pointers for effective
theme-writing. The only one I remember was "Don't begin with a
broad,
sweeping statement like 'Since the dawn of time...' or 'For centuries,
mankind...'" This is why effective theme-writers will never have
a hand in
shaping society and will be first against the wall when the Revolution
comes.
> these green oats. These green oats are also referred to as wild
oats or
> avena sativa.
>
> HERE IS THE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO TRY THEM FOR YOURSELF.
Arrrggghhh!!!!
[...difficult science elided...]
> Here are some excerpts from letters received from satisfied customers,
As I said, these aren't funny like the ones in the catalog.
And, either
way, the thought of men who should by now be well into their Playgirl
years (what's the *deal* with that?) doing... well, what I truely
believe
God intended solely for people between the ages 25 and 35 to do,
is,
ultimately, an upsetting one. So, to make the scene a little more
palatable, I'm splicing the quotes with NEVER BEFORE SEEN footage
of
leader Kibo and his now ex-wife, Claudia Christian, formerly of
television, having sex TOTALLY NEKKIT!
KIBO: (Singing song from 'It's Potty Time!' while removing
pants.)
"La la la boom-see-aaayyy,
I pull my pants awaaaayyy.
And while I'm standing there,
peel off my un'nertware!"
CLAUDIA: Yes, captain, we're prepared to move to the next
warp level...
level yellow (I've never seen the show; is this something her character
would say? If television has taught me nothing else, it's that
behind
every strong woman there's a heckling male bonehead with archaic
preconcieved notions or whatnot. So I might as well have her say
something
like that would undermine and stuff, like "Yes, captain, we're
prepared to
move to the next level of hold... level green!")
> "I'm ready for anything. I feel like superman,....I have almost
total
> control."
(CUT TO: KIBO and CLAUDIA doing it in position #1)
(CUT TO: B&W footage of a chimpanzee slapping its big
chimp hand over its
eyes and baring its teeth.)
> "My sex drive got a wake-up call."
(CUT TO: KIBO and CLAUDIA doing it in position #2)
(CUT TO: B&W footage of a chimpanzee blowing us a raspberry.)
> "My sexual vigor has increased.....I can't believe how hard I get."
(CUT TO: KIBO and CLAUDIA doing it in position #3)
(CUT TO: B&W footage of a chimpanzee making kissy-kissy
motions with its
mouth.)
> "My erections are more rigid. My wife swears it's bigger.....I
notice I
> can last much longer."
(CUT TO: KIBO and CLAUDIA doing it in position #4)
(CUT TO: B&W footage of a chimpanzee rollerskating around in circles.)
> "Thanks to Sexativa I can make love with confidence. It has really
> changed how I feel about myself. Thank You!"
(CUT TO: KIBO and CLAUDIA doing it in position #5)
(CUT TO: B&W footage of a chimpanzee slapping its big
chimp hand over its
eyes and then peeking through its fingers.)
> "You have a terrific product here. I won't be without it. I have
one
> bottle at home, one at the office, and one in my suitcase."
(ARCHIMEDES PLUTONIUM enters and flips light on.)
ARCHIMEDES: Knock off all that monkey business!
(KIBO and CLAUDIA spread thin.)
[...]
[On their FAQ page... "Sextiva", that is.]
> FAQ
[...]
> What can I expect to feel? You will experience some or all of
the
> following:
>
> A. The first thing you may notice is that you feel a tingling
sensation
> in your genitals. This is due to an increase of blood flow to
the area.
Be it Sextiva, shampoo, Vap-O rub, or astringent, the science
is
basically the same: The tingling sensation means it's working!
> B. You may experience an increase of Sexual or erotic thoughts.
Can you promise me they won't involve John Sculley? Hoo doggies,
that
would be a negative side effect if ever there was one.
> C. You will notice that you get erect faster and easier, with
less
> stimulation.
So instead of needing an hour of the epileptic pace of the
Cartoon
Network to get aroused, you can now get aroused after only 15 minutes
of
the Teletubbies?
> D. When you wake up in the morning you will have a rock hard erection
> that doesn't want to go away.
Hard as a rock / *Harder* than a rock.
(Not funny, just really lame lyrics from rock stars who are
in the target
age bracket for this drug.)
> E. You or your partner may notice that it's actually larger. This
is due
> to the increase of blood flow into the spongy tissue.
Could you please spare us the science? *blech*! I'll never
beable to
touch my erection again!
> F. When you have intercourse you may notice that you have more
control.
> Some of our customers report that they can last two to three
times
> longer.
> G. You may notice that your arousal points are more sensitive.
> h. Many men notice that their orgasms last longer and are more
intense.
>
> How is Sexativa different from other men's products ?
> 1. #1 reason " IT WORKS " We stand behind it with a 30 day no
risk money
> back guarantee.
> 2. It's made in the USA
> 3. Sexativa has no negative side effects.
> 4. Sexativa contains no drugs, no hormones, no stimulants, no
DHEA, no
> ginseng, and no yohimba. It contains NO ground up animal glands,
no
> animal parts whatsoever.
It seems odd to have this as a selling point when your target
demographic
eats Jell-o three meals a day.
> 5. Sexativa is full strength. Some other products require you
to take 6
> to 10 capsules a day.
> 6. Sexativa is manufactured in an FDA approved and registered
facility.
> It has been certified to meet or exceed all good manufacturing
> practices.
> 7. To insure the highest potency and freshness each herb is examined
for
> purity and potency, prior to formulation.
> 8. We are discreet and confidential. We ship in plain, brown
bubble wrap
> envelopes. The exterior packaging reveals nothing of a sexual
nature.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Would you believe people say the same thing about me?
> We will not sell your name and you will not be put on any other
mailing
> lists.
Ever again by anybody else? If I had known of this earlier,
I might have
been spared the Laff A Day jokelist:
"Duuuh, I'll never be able to keep a straight face at another
man's offer
to push in my stool again because that's a thing a gay homosexual
man
would say!!! Har har har!!! You know how those GAY people are!!!
Duuuh."
^
/|\
|_____ Me, because the LAFF A DAY jokelist
has made me ST00PID.
> Is Sexativa approved bt the FDA ? FDA approval is only required
for
> drugs. Sexativa contains no drugs. It is an all natural
herbal formula
> that is classified as a food supplement.
>
> What is in Sexativa ? Sexativa is a patented formula made up
of the
> following herbs:
>
> Oats ( Avena Sativa ) Part used - Seed and straw. Best
made with fresh
> green seed harvested while it is still in the milky stage. Oats
effect
an hilarious Southern accent in their delightful vaudeville routine!
"Oats, oats are good for a horse. <- Me perpetuating the OATS
MYTH in my
They're good for you, of course!" only
lines in my only school play.
[...blah blah blah dumb dumb dumb...]
> Nettle ( Urtica Dioica ) Part Used - Leaves and roots of young
plants.
> Nettle is a tonic and nutritive for the genito-urinary system.
It is
> specific for treating inflammation and enlargement of the prostate.
...both of which I find to be very nettlesome! Har har h... my heart!!!
[...]
> Damiana ( turnera diffusa aphrodiaca ) Part used, dried leaves
and
> stems. Damiana has been used for centuries. It has an ancient
> reputation as an aphrodisiac as you might conclude by it's Latin
name.
> It has a definate tonic action on the central nervous and hormonal
> system.
As you might conclude from it's REGULAR name, it's FROM DE DEBBIL!!!
And Nettle (Urtica Dioica) comes from GHOD!!!
It feels like there's an eternal struggle between Good and
Evil in my
pants-- and everyone's invited!
> Zinc Trace mineral Zinc is a fundamental requirement for healthy
male
> sexuality. It is needed for the production of Testosterone.
Semen
> contains large amounts of Zinc.
I remember when our 6th grade gym teacher taught us this in
Sex Ed, my
gay locker partner asked him what types of food contain zinc and
everyone
laughed because he was gay. And he had a one-syllable last name
that
rhymed with 'gay'; an opportunity for hilarity that was not wasted
on my
braincase junior-high brethren.
That guy. He was my locker partner. He was gay.
> Sexativa contains NO salt, sugar, starch, yeast, lactose, caffeine,
> artificial coloring, or preservatives.
>
> Return to main page
Robert "I'm going to keep adding MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE!
MORE!
MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! MORE! to this post." Caponi
[1] 2 hunnert BRTs to anybody who can tell me which one of
the following
scourges doesn't belong (hint: it has something to do with me!):
o Pfizer
o Pfeisteria
o The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer
"One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doeNO CARRIER
"River" is a typographical term for percieved lines of whitespace that run down the a badly typeset page.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Supermarket Security Sign
Date: Mon, 08 Feb 1999 22:20:48 -0400
Organization: our target was clarity; our objective was terrifying
In article <36bf67ca.0@news2.uswest.net>, "M. Otis Beard"
<barbus@uswest.net> wrote:
v
v
v
> So: your money is pathetic, and so is your beer (with
a few notably
> excellent Quebecois exceptions, like Maudite and Fin du Monde),
and so is
> your whiskey, and so are your feeble attempts at rock 'n' roll,
and so is
> your enormous income tax, and so are your UN peacekeeping forces,
and so is
> the Calgary Stampede, and so are all your comedians after they
leave
> Saturday Night Live, and so are most of your comedians even when
they're
> still on Saturday Night Live, and so is your gun control, and
so are your
> anti-obscenity laws, and so are your critical faculties if you
think we
> don't have good beer down here! ^
^
^
SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER?
WHERE BRIGHT ANGELS' FEET HAVE TROD?
>>> i: Dick Dietrich. Comedy is no
mean task. It takes, like,
eight guys to write Dick Dietrich. The thing that bugs
me most about Dick Dietrich- barring the fact that it's
not even really that funny- is its paper-thin female
characterizations; you have A) The Floozy, and B) The
outspoken, indignant, conservatively-attired "Feminist"
who Hates [The Floozy's] Sexy Job. Not only are these
female archetypes too suffocating and undynamic even
for the purposes of comedy, but it totally ignores the
realities of post-feminism feminism. <<<
SHALL WE GATHER AT THE RIVER?
FLOWING BY THE THRONE OF GOD?
>>> ii: Arthur DeMoss. If Arthur DeMoss
is really willing to
send _Power For Living_ free of charge to anybody who
asks, why doesn't he just forgo the costs of the
unrelenting television and print ads and just mail it
to everyone in America? He can use C. Everett Koop's
c. 1986 AIDS pamphlet mailing list, and he'd undoubtedly
reach more of the people who would supposedly need this
information- namely, the people who aren't interested
in Power For Living at all,- than he would by using his
current strategy. And what's with the woman who we can
suppose was cast because stupid people would think
she's Susan Sarandon? Uh-huh, hon, remind me not to
take you out for lunch again. <<<
Gather at the river...
YES, WE'LL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
THE BE-YOO-TEEFUL, THE BE-YOO0TEEFUL RIVER!
>>> iii: Anthony James Zimmerman. As I'm sure
you're
painfully aware, there are tens of thousands of bozos
out there with axes to grind and seeming inexhaustible
wellsprings of energy with which to grind them. My
sister has a job that brings her in continual contact
with book rejections, and she brought one particular
one to my attention. It's fram the desk of a fellow
named Anthony James Zimmerman whose Copperplate
letterhead identifies him as a "Writer ~ Philosopher ~
Social Theorist." He starts off this pitch by putting
the perceived ultimate import of his work in full
relief:
In 1776 Adam Smith published his _Wealth of Nations_
and codified the principles of capitalism. Then in
1848 Karl Marx delivered his _Communist Manifesto_
and laid the foundation for communism and
socialism. Now it's 1998 and before you is
_Beyond Money: Humanity's Next Step_.
A brief outline then follows. Now, I'm no economist,
and am unable to either argue for or against the merits
of a society without currency, but sentences like the
following lead me to believe that his thesis involves
nothing more complex than a cold-turkey abandonment of
the concept of exchangable worth:
[...] In fact, it becomes clear in the first
section of Beyond Money that money is an obstacle
that must constantly be overcome for human
advancement to take place. (Consider the number of
scientific investigations that must be postponed or
cancelled because of a "lack of funding").
He rounds off the pitch with an appeal to the
publisher's conscience:
[...] By removing money, society removes countless
problems caused by money. Just like throwing off a
lead coat, society would throw off the burdens of
corporate and government corruptibility,
homelessness, sporadic health care, money-induced
crime, and greed. A world without these is a better
world.
I am looking for a publisher who cares for the
future of humanity, who can carry a positive
message to a large number of people, and who can
book a national tour so that I can share this idea
with America. Are you that publisher?
Now this is what floors me; how can a guy who can't
even compose a convincing metaphor ("...just like
throwing off a lead coat..."!?!) somehow get it in him
to write an entire BOOK? Why don't *I* have this
energy? <<<
YES, WE'LL GATHER AT THE RIVER!
FLOWING BY THE THRONE OF GOD!
Robert "I'll be here all week. Tip your waitpersons" Caponi
Were it my intention to pass as a girl, or as someone other than myself, I would have most likely made an attempt at affectation of style clearly absent here. Danielle Mulhearn was an experiment in forcing myself to respond to a post that I would ordinarily not respond to.
From: natures32@my-deja.com (Danielle Mulhearn)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.fan.beable
Subject: Re: Son of: I like my new stapler!
Date: Tue, 09 May 2000 07:48:22 GMT
Organization: Deja.com - Before you buy.
In article <8f87r7$3oi$1@nnrp1.deja.com>,
Beable van Polasm <beable@my-deja.com> wrote:
> I like STAMPING! STAMP! STAMP! STAMP! I wish I had a big
> stamp with "REJECTED" carved into it. I would stamp
> everything "REJECTED" just to make people happy. Well to
> make ME happy, anyway.
"Sir Beable, Esquire, a group of philosophers have come to
the
conclusion that stating things in the negative is essentially
superfluous, and prevents us from proving anything, and so here
is
their proposal for an international moratorium on stating things
in the negative as well as a request that you not prohibit
exclusive use of either as well as a request that you not overlook
the fact that the preceeding attempt at a joke is more
patched-together than something darned by the sock darner of
Koenigsberg and shit."
_The Sock Darner of Koenigsberg_ was, of course, a sadly
neglected masterpiece of 20th Century opera about foot fetishists
of adopted shikses.
> Maybe you could use it to staple up a sucking chest wound?
> Does everybody know the first aid for a sucking chest wound
> by the way? It's pretty simple, and it could save somebody's
> life. Unfortunately, it DOES NOT involve stapling, so SORRY
> DANIEL! Anyway, here it is:
A chest wound? That sucks. HAW! HAW! But at least it's not
CANCER!!!11! HAW!!! HAW!1! HAW!11
> A sucking chest wound is where somebody gets a hole through
> the chest, often from being shot or punctured in an accident.
But if somebody shot them, then that means that God loves
them,
and they'll go to heaven. But if they have CANCER HAW! HAW! then
their approval status is dubious. Maybe they'll go to the heaven
that has smog-colored grating difference clouds, where all the
uglypeople.com people go who haven't done anything wrong to
warrant going to hell, but are too ugly to be in heaven proper.
> When they breathe in, air rushes in through the hole into the
> chest cavity. This is BAD because the air can cause the lung
> to collapse, and then they can't breathe any more. There is
> also a fairly high probability that their lung might be
> punctured, in which case the lung can fill up with blood.
> This will also impair the victim's ability to breathe.
And if they start complaining about it being "so cold, so
very
very cold," GO FIND A THERMOSTAT OR A BLANKET OR SOMETHING, you
wouldn't want the victim to catch their death of cold.
> To stop bad things from happening, simply tape a piece
> of plastic over the hole(s) in the victim's chest, and
> get the victim to lie with the injured side DOWN. So if
> they have a hole in the left side of their chest, they
> have to lie on their left side. When you're taping the
> plastic on, I guess you MIGHT beable to use a stapler
> instead, but I think tape might be less painful. To do
> a really nifty job, cut out a square of plastic and only
> tape down three sides. That way air that has got into
> the chest cavity can escape, but new air can't get in
> through the hole. The reason they have to lie on the
> injured side (even if it HURTS) is because if their
Oooohhh, lookitt the baby, complaining that it huuurrttsss
because he's been sssshhhhhot. Awwww, baybeee... I'M BEING
SARCASTIC! Geez, just because you've been shot you seem to think
everybody else needs to drop everything they're doing and attend
to your sucking chest wound. If I were you, young man, I'd pick
myself up by my bootstraps and... (trails off into eternal night.)
> lung fills up with blood, only the injured lung will
> fill up and they can still breathe. If you let them
> lie on the non-injured side, blood can flow through
> the bronchia and fill the non-injured lung as well and
> cause the victim to drown.
Hmmm... could you also get a sucking chest wound from one
of
those Jurassic mosquitos in Mosquito Park. Then they could sell
t-shirts in the novelty store that read "I got bitten by a
Jurassic mosquito in Mosquito Park and now I am soooo much more
atheistical than Ludwig Feuerbach and all I got was this crummy
t-shirt." And then Uncle Scrooge gets the idea that giving the
atheistical natives chunks of ice will help him exploit the
natural reserves but then the natives start using the ice cubes
as
currency so he just waits until the ice cubes melt making him THE
RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD. So the lesson to be learned here is that
Chaos Theory tells us that fiat currency will find a way, and that
just makes Beable INSANE!
BTW, is it just me, or is the thread title "Selling Gold Coins"
the most UN-Kibozotic thing to come down the pike in a while? The
act of selling gold coins has no Kibo nature. The mouth parches
just to pronounce the words. I think there should be a wet-to-dry
scale for phrases; at one end, you'd have "sucking chest wound"
and at the other end, you'd have "selling gold coins." Selling
gold coins... see, even quantative repetition of this phrase
doesn't affect its qualitative nature; the phrase can't be drained
of its emotional content because it had no emotional content to
begin with. Selling gold coins. Huh.
And also, stampy, apropos the joke I made about negative
statements, I see that Deja.com's power search page's email
address example is demos@deja.com. Creepy, huh?
--Danielle "weeeeiiirrrrdddd confluences" Mulhearn
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: The dubious importance of Reading Ahead
Date: Wed, 07 Apr 1999 20:50:51 -0400
Organization: The Toplings
You know those tests they give you as a kid that go like:
1) First read items 1-N and complete the tasks on this list.
2) Do this...
3) And this...
4) And this...
[...]
N) Don't do items 2 - N-1
Well, there was a heated discussion around here concerning
their
significance. My mother maintains that list item N takes precedence
over
all previous instructions because it occurs last, thus demonstrating
the
importance of Reading Ahead. I say it just sends another confusing
non-message to our nation's youth and believe I have uncovered
the reason
said youth consistently rank below the youth of most other industrialized
nations in ordered list skills; and they can't even understand
*how* or
*why* they rank so low.
So I appeal to the wisdom of ark to bring this grade school
chestnut to
the light of day. If I was seeking the wisdom of rest-your-head-on-your-
folded-arms-when-you're-done hotdoggers, I'd ask rec.mensa. Instead,
I'm
asking *you* because I expect you to give this matter its due
consideration when determining whether or not this emperor indeed
wears
no clothes; whether or not there exists a reason for the last item-
the
one that says not to do what all the other items say to do- to
take
priority over all previous items. For fear of biasing your conclusion,
I
offer these further questions for your consideration:
* What if the last item said not to read ahead?
* Do you need to read ahead before you read ahead? Does
reading ahead by
necessity involve infinite regress?
* Is reading ahead so vital as to warrant its own "Value of..."
biography? If so, who would be the subject?
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go down to the playground
and accuse
all the children of being ill-educated subliterates.
Sincerely,
Your son Jimmy
America versus the world!
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Smart Women, Stupid Choices)
Newsgroups:
comp.software.year-2000,comp.society.futures,alt.religion.kibology,alt.nuke.the.USA
Subject: Re: Great Depression
Date: 8 Aug 1998 22:50:02 GMT
Organization: Blandwood: A Planned Community
In article <MPG.10348a2bb886207c989703@news.wantree.com.au>,
pkelly@wantree.com.xx (Peter Kelly) wrote:
> On Tue, 04 Aug 1998 02:26:29 GMT that most illustrious and gifted
writer
> of our times beable@my-dejanews.com<beable@my-dejanews.com>
did
> eloquently compose:
>
>
> > they are the same l00sers who hassle amerika about everything.
let's
> > face it, amerika is the greatest country in the world, now
or ever.
> > look at the accomplishments of this great nation:
> > - invented automobiles
>
> Not alone. With some help from Europe.
>
> > - invented computers
>
> As above
[snipped tons more who-invented-what-first disputations of
this order.
Uh, Peter, you DO realize that any number of point-by-point dismissals
strung together does not in and of itself constitute a COUNTERargument,
don't you?]
> > - second man on the moon
>
> Who cares about second.
Stop lameobviousreferencestraightlinebombing me!
> > - perfected the english language
>
> Corrupted the English languagee.
Americans have perfected the use of language for expressing
IDENTITY, not
that old-tymey, outdated John Donne "meaning" crap. Get out of
the 17th
Century, Do0d!!1!
> > - third man on the moon
>
> Yawn
I can guarantee you won't be yawning when we SOFT-LAND the
MOON on YOUR
ASS. Maybe if you had been paying more attention to the American
space
program in the first place you would have had some say in averting
this
turn of events; but NOOOO, nobody wants to know what dumb ol' America
is
up to. Just like in that story with the rooster and the barnyard
animals
and the bread-- and it wouldn't surprise me one bit if you were
to believe
that that was the last book I've ever read. Nope, wouldn't surprise
me
*one* bit.
> > - damn it, *all the men on the moon were americans!!!!1!!1!!1*
> > - able to use the name of two continents as the name of our
grate
> > nation
>
> Linguistic Semantics.
...two great tastes that taste great together! The fact that
these words
aren't coupled together more often is- to my mind- a regrettable
oversight. I mean, you can have the tongue action going on till
kingdom
come, but doesn't necessarily mean you're *saying* anything-- not,
admittedly, that most people would notice anyway.
Unless, of course, you're using 'semantics' in the accepted
"pulling the
wool over somebody's eyes" usage, in which case it's just stupid.
> > - won the war of independence
>
> And won the right to deprive every other country of its' independence.
And when you guys turn 18 you are *so* out of here.
[snipped lots of horrifying stuff about American foreign policy
that we
should at least be grateful our government lets us know of...]
> > - kept cuba in the dark ages for thirty years!!!1!
>
> A minus. A moral minus.
>
> > - won the gulf war
>
> As above
>
> > - won the world series baseball trophy every year for ages
>
> What is baseball??? What sort of game is that?
You sound to me like a space woman from the future; "what
is... KISS?"
Those future people are always saying things like "...time to take
your
supper pill!" and "my finger isn't tired! ...that's automation
for you!" I
don't care what Lisa Pea says, I still think old-timey people can
teach us
something important about ourselves.
> > - world champion basketball team
> > - zillions of gold medals at every olympic games
> > - biggest and best economy in the world ever
> > - greatest entertainment industry in the world, especially
movies
>
> Cultural imperialism. Not a great industry producing good films.
Just a
> very big industry producing bad films.
Point conceded, good friend! All the great American directors,
of course,
could only tread the paths so courageously forged by their more
visionary
French counterparts; and many of the great "American" films were,
in fact,
only medelled after existing French films in whose svelte playing
times
some of the most enduring messages ever have been embodied... like
that
movie _The Mirror Has Two Faces_, wherein it is learned that, even
if
you're a homelywoman, you can still be deserving of love if you
have a
super-huge brane; or _The Odd Couple_, a film that both holds its
own as a
work of art and whose historical importance for having heavily
informed
what has come down to us- and not without much celebration, I needn't
tell
you- as the two-tier personality classification system cannot be
overstated. Nowadays, naturally, the know-nothing barbarians at
the gate
are threatening to destroy the essential duality of the system
with their
proposed "Type C" personality-- the result of what is a characteristically
Type B predisposition, to be sure.
> > and speaking of movies, let's look at some great *american*
> > actors, like syulvester stallone and arnold schwarzenegger.
> > these guys have made millions, no *billions* of dollars just
> > by being really strong, working out a lot and having really
> > big muscles. oh and by being really good actors too. who can
> > forget in that movie rambi where sly yells out "i'm coming
> > to get yooooouuuuuuuu murdoch!
>
> Don't remind me about Murdoch. Emulates US citizenship so he
can own US
> TV stations and still wants to own Australian TV stations.
>
> > !!!1!!1!!!!11" while holding
> > a big heavy m60 machinegun. i'd like to see leonardo dicrapio
> > do that! ha! he couldn't! he's too wimpy. he could only just
> > hold up that automatic pistol in that movie titanic.
> >
> Evidence of my comments about the US movie industry.
>
> Now for a few negatives.
>
> Most expensive health care system in the world.
> 38 million uninsured. 100% of Australians have medicare.
...mediSUCK!!!
> Lowest life expectancy in western world. Only slightly ahead of
Cuba with
> fewer recourses and facing a bloody minded embargo from the US.
Surely having more old people of flagging mental faculties
is the
cure-all for all the political and economic and environmental woes
outlined herein:
> Highest infant mortality in the western world. Again looks bad
compared
> with Cuba.
See, ****** are just ***** to get **!
> Highest crime rate in the western world.
> Most poverty in the western world.
And how exactly did you think our rich people got so rich? Ungh-DUH!!!
> Most prisoners in the western world (nearly 2 million)
> Capital punishment in 38 states with between 7% and 12% of the
executed
> being innocent. DP applies only to the poor. When was the last
time a
> rich man was fried?
Hey, did you know that for every car that enters a traffic
jam, it takes
the traffic jam _two whole minutes_ longer to disperse?
> Biggest military in the world. 10 to 20 times what is needed.
Military is
> only a subsidy channel for corporations.
> Highest sales of arms to third world killing millions there and
earning
> share holders millions in the US. Blood money.
> These arms are paid for by selling drugs in the opposite direction.
> Causing worst drug problem in the western world.
> Adventureism in the third world to stop democracy working against
US
> interests. e.g. Chile
*hrumph*, spoilsport.
> Highest rate of AIDS in the western world.
And if some *other* country had the highest AIDS rate, I'm
sure you'd be
able to find some reason that it was *our* fault. Sheesh!
> Religious nuts everywhere creating fundamentalist nonsensee.
So I guess this means Frou-Frou Succubus Grillparzer Ofaafö
Fyvish (with
a Gaelic-type thingy going on with the 'y') Fynkel is really working
for
Dan Hansen in good faith and just has this whole cynicism thing
going on
to maintain his image as a hep, disaffected Gen-Yer! I had that
kid all
wrong!
> Unfair trading practices. e.g. Subsidising wheat sales and cutting
into
> Australia's wheat markets and giving away wheat to Indonesia.
I'm sorry, did anybody here hear somebody say something? I
know I sure as
hell didn't.
> Criticizing other countries for doing the same.
What!?! A government holding other countries up to a DOUBLE
STANDARD!?!
Who do they think they are, what with the constant issuing of the
criticisms and the constant throwing around of the weight and whatnot?
> Forcing genetic property rights on the third world and so not
allowing
> them to use their own seeds.
Boy, this 'America' is sounding worse and worse. These guys
need to be
taken down *big time*.
> Forcing third world farmers to grow export crops while fellow
county men
> starve. IMF loans for example are conditional upon this sort
of immoral
> bullshit.
> Forcing economic rationalism on the whole world for the purpose
of
> enriching corporate shareholders.
...but you should have seen these people; they *received*
money for
accepting goods and had to *pay* their employers for their work!
Surely it
was only a matter of time before economic irrationalism folded
under the
dead weight of its own sto0pidiness.
-and-
I'm "enriching" my "corporate shareholder" RIGHT NOW, IWKIM, AITYD!!!
[...snipped serious stuff you'd have to be a monster, MONSTER,
to make
jokes about...]
> The purpose of the Stars and Stripes flag is to act as a carpet
under
> which is swept the horrors caused by US actions elsewhere in
the world.
Yeah, I mean, have you ever noticed the way Americans slavishly
raise
their hands to their breasts whenever the American flag is raised?
They
might as well be NAZIS! NAZIS! NAZIS!
But that talking head that comes on the television every thirty
minutes
to remind us that America is the greatest country in the world
and that
our government is incapable of wrongdoing and that we must be eternally
vigilant against the communist threat posed by every other country
in the
world and that we will ultimately emerge triumphant and good day
and God
bless is a trip.
--
"If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves
be its author and finish her.
As a nation of free people we will live
forever, or die by suicide."
-- Abraham Lincoln, 1837
"The Global Economy is a Doomsday Machine."
-- Bill Clinton, 1998
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Mark Twain: A Dialogue)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: A friend of man is an enemy of the Lord
Date: Mon, 25 Jun 2001 22:33:17 -0500
Organization: cult of the retardo-dome
"They're coming out with Goldfish[tm] with smiles," my friend,
not a year
ago, was heard to say, "surely the concept of an omnipotent God
will not
stand for long." "Goldfish[tm] now come in an extra-large variety,"
the
same friend might have been heard to say not six months ago, "they're
now
300% bigger. Surely this will, in time, raze all fictions of any
sort of
benign force in the Universe." Another day dawns on idle, rainy
day
musings as to what fabled powers of invention my friends at Pepperidge
Farms[r] will next dispatch on their mission to topple the throne
of God.
--
Don't believe the dental hygine LIE!!!
• Twidn
• http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
• Krafft-Ebing • http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/krafft.html
I'm high on elderly abuse!
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Thrones of Corn, Waves of Pain)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: TOUNGE OF SEA MONSTER
Date: Sat, 13 Feb 1999 01:07:13 -0400
Organization: our target was clarity; our objective was terrifying
>Date: Wed, 10 Feb 1999 03:48:17 -0500 (EST)
>From: live sea monsters get em now ! <liveseamonsters@yahoo.com>
>To: <tagutcow@nr.infi.net>
>Subject: Best Science gift for kids...Complete mini aquarium
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>
>
>KEEP THE KIDS BUSY FOR HOURS A DAY WITH THEIR OWN MINI
>AQUARIUM....VERY
>SMART.
Since this is all poorly translated english, I'll assume that
by "mini
aquarium" they mean "television,"-- in which case they should prepare
to
be lawsuited my Magnavox.
>EASY.....NO MESS...FUN...TEACHES RESPONSIBILITY...PURE SCIENCE...LIVE
>FOR
>MONTHS !
I imagine a few hours in the mini aquarium a day *would* teach
the little
monsters some responsibility.
>WOW.......Comes complete with:
>
Mini aquarium 5 inch round unbreakable plastic optically clear.
>
Starter mixture of marine salt, sand for esthetics and at
>least 5000 brine shrimp
>eggs.
>
>
Complete instructions for care and multiple experiments to
>perform.
>
Extra food to keep the sea monsters alive and growing for
months.
>
>With proper care will grow from the size of this point .
to the size of
>this xxxxx in a few
>days and
>then they can begin to reproduce and WOW a population explosion.
Oh no! Somebody got Paul Erlich one of these for Christmas
and he got so
distressed he jumped into his jet and initiated Operation: Contrail!
>Experiments include;
>attraction to light, different foods, life cycle, reproduction,
salinity
>and a few more
>guaranteed to
>interest every kid and parent too.
Exactly how binding is this guarantee?
>We sell these to schools all the time and are an excellent science project
I honestly can't see any science project having anything to
do with "sea
monsters" winning first place at a science fair.
>! these
>creatures are
>the perfect microscope subject and are truly fascinating.
Another benefit
>is they are a
>great food
>for all your fish ! Why buy in a pet store what you can
raise yourself.
So wait, you're telling us these things exist below the common
goldfish
on the food chain, yet you expect us to believe they're MONSTERS!?!
And if you don't have goldfish, can they at least be used
as imitation
taco meat?
>ASK YOURSELF WHAT WOULD YOU PAY FOR A TOY THAT KEPT YOUR KIDS
>FASCINATED FOR MONTHS AND ACTUALLY TOUGHT THEM SOME VALUABLE
>SCIENCE
>AND RESPONSIBILITY LESSONS? YOU KNOW IT IS A HUGH BARGAIN
!
Slaving for hours a day for a many-month period over creatures
incapable
of any sort of reciprocal thankfulness isn't exactly my definition
of
"responsibility." In fact, I don't even think kids would find it
*that*
compelling. Just to be safe, knock on their door every half-hour
to make
sure they're not "tending to the sea monsters" If You Know What
I Mean,
And I'm Not Sure You Do.
Sincerely,
Your Winning Science Fair Project
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Fire Engines All Day Long)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Automatic For The Penis
Date: Tue, 04 Jan 2000 01:22:07 -0500
Organization: Captain CVS and the Sundry Revolutionaries
In article <84rpdv$qi7$1@eris.io.com>, stacia@io.com (The Avocado
Avenger)
wrote:
> OK, everybody: fire up those anonymous hotmail.com
accounts and let's
> do a survey! Who on this newsgroup who possesses a penis
does *not* have
> a mushroom-shaped penis head? I'm wagering at least 98%
of the male
> population (and 47% of the female population) have what could
be described
> as "mushroom-shaped penis heads", and the remaining 2%/53% have
either
> "gnome-hat-shaped penis heads" or "cheese wedge shaped penis
heads". I
> mean, the point of the thing is for it to function as a probe,
so it can't
> be shaped like a shoe or a loveseat or something stupid like
that; it has
> to taper, even if only a little. Sheesh.
My penis head is, um, bulbed. Seriously, my glans comes to
two nubs on
either side of my urethra, each about an inch in diameter when
I'm erect.
Mom always said I wasn't right.
Oh, who am I kidding, I'm a FREEK!!! FREEK!!! FREEK!!!
Could YOU be the woman to LOVE ME? PENILE NUBS AND ALL!?!
Sincerely,
DeLurk Digger
--
T.W.I.D.N. • http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
$199 a month • http://www.mp3.com/199amonth
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (freak linux)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: HBBSBT?
Date: Wed, 09 Aug 2000 05:43:12 -0500
Organization: Lilly 4117
Just an amusing thread on the Breakbeat Science web board.
NB the
decidedly Ebonic thread title:
>LOOKING FOR TALENTED DRUM&BASS MC'S -
> WHERE THEY AT???
> From: il rompopalli 08/08/00
15:49 EDT
>
>
honestly, there is a serious lack of good quality drum&bass
>
mc's in this country. color is only skin deep and there is
>
only one race, the human race. but on the real, white mc's
>
just don't cut it!
^^^^^^^^^^
>
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
ding! ding! ding!
>
we need to develop a brand new style of
>
mc'ing in this country. a fusion of american hiphop styles
>
and british drum&bass styles to create a truly unique and
>
original USA d&b mc sound. i think we have come very far
>
over the past years, but we have a very far distance to go.
>
>
so on the east coast - where are the good underground mc's
>
at? here's your chance! get that big break you are looking
>
for. your skills are needed. be forewarned though, this
>
position is not for the weak in spirit, mind or confidence.
>
mc's are under a constant barrage of insults, challenges and
>
duties. if you want to make it to the top, you have to be
As anyone who's attempted to bring an MC across state lines
can attest
to.
>
willing to get through all the shit at the bottom.
>
>
so who's interested?
>
>
serious inquiries only need apply.
After the expected reactions (I can't verify that these responses
are
from the same guy as he decided not to use his email address, but
it's
still worth reading:) <-- NOT A SMILEY
>slow down, slow down. looks like you guys
> are a bit defensive:
> From: from many comes one
08/08/00 17:43 EDT
> In reply to: LOOKING FOR
TALENTED DRUM&BASS MC'S - WHERE THEY
> AT??? - il rompopalli 08/08/00
15:49 EDT
>
>
it has absolutely _nothing_ to do with skin color
>
whatsoever. but honestly think about most of the white
>
mc's out there. when they get on the MIC their voices sound
>
like shit - all high pitched and crackly. thats fine for rock
Note to self: reconsider promoting oneself as MC Shrill.
>
& roll, but for some bass heavy, hard hitting urban music
>
like drum&bass, shouldn't we have some mc's who sound
>
proffesional, who sound good?
>
>
look at the mc's in the UK! who are your favorites? mine are
>
gq, justiyc, conrad, rymetyme & dynamite. others might
>
pick skibadee or rage or any of the countless other mc's. it
>
is not a coincidence that they are black. who invented
>
hiphop? come on. i support putting the right people in the
>
right jobs. this is an URBAN STYLE MUSIC!!! dont you see?
>
>
also - shouldn't an mc have something worthwhile to rap
>
about? why did the slaves develop the blues? because they
>
had something to sing the blues about. why is jazz such a
>
powerful and emotionally evoking form of music, because
>
its an outpouring of the african-american experience. an
>
expression of soul. and hiphop is so strong to this day
>
because the mc's (the one's that are on point) have some
>
serious issues to rap about. they have seen a lot of shit,
>
they have had a lot of fucked up shit happen to them. the
>
whole system is set-up to work against the black man, and
>
you can hear and feel this coming out in lyrics. this is the
>
truth.
I... see. So the White Man has been secretly engineering the
potency of
African-American musical forms through his campaign of degradation
and
oppression (<-- this is a distressingly common view.)
>
we shouldn't let american drum&bass drift into the realms
>
of the suburbs and be permanently branded as raver music.
>
lets get back to the roots, lets push forward into new
>
territory.
(Note for the subtext-impaired: The author is a drum 'n' bass
guy who's
representin' the suburbs.)
>
the original post was not meant as a dis at all to any
>
drum&bass mc. but rather as a call to arms. a rallying cry
>
for all the aspiring poets and mc's out there who think they
>
have what it takes. maybe there is some fresh, raw talent
>
out there, but then when he comes to the d&b party he hears
>
some cheesy white guy on the mic saying "come on guys,
>
who wants the rewind?!?" and he gets turned off and turned
>
away.
>
>
inclusion is the key.
>
>
e pluribus unum. do you know what means?
So inclusion for the aspiring poet who would otherwise be
turned away...
but... aw hell...
>who took a survey?
> From: oh boy! 08/08/00 18:21
EDT
> In reply to: re:slow down,
slow down. looks like you guys are a bit
> defensive: - survey says
..... UNNNNNNNNGGGGHH! 08/08/00 17:54 EDT
>
>
> dude, you just contradicted yourself.
This alone was worth the price of admission:
>
ahhh, simple minds often see contradiction and get
>
confused. a few philosophy courses and some stimulating
>
reading and discussions can cure this problem. there are
>
points and counter-points. there are opinions and there are
>
facts. something is not neccessarily in contradiction
>
simply because the language does not all fit together. you
>
must read the entire thread sometimes, or book and work on
>
reading comprehension skills. slow down, dig deeper.
Have you ever seen a more perfect example of meta-sophistry in action?
>
> so you're suggesting that all the d&b heads should "call to
>
arms" ?
>
>
YES we should! we should stand up, and take what is ours!!!
>
we should leave the RAVE SCENE behind, we should take up
>
our arms to demand an independent d&b scene free from the
>
rave scene. yes indeed, a call to arms! nice one!
He would be talking about his own usage there.
>
> dude, you're emitting a racist tone throughout your whole
>
message:
>
>
you are right. i am against white people. what can i say.
>
they have fucked up the whole world and brought untold
>
harm, suffering and damage worldwide. can you really
>
blame me? it has been going on for thousands of years.
>
Eastern Values are much more harmonious as well as
>
African Values. with more of each we could more
>
peacefully co-exist as humans and not damage cultures and
>
eco-systems so much. but the materialistic western
>
culture has wrecked untold devastation on the planet. can
>
you blame me for not liking white people too much?
Geez, just because you happened to see Fruity Nutcake Rappin'
Granny on
Talk Soup doesn't mean you have make it your mission to tear down
the
entirety of Western culture!
>
> dude you are sooo simple and narrow minded.
>
>
HA! thats pretty far from the truth. but whatever.
>
Who didn't see this revelation coming:
>
>you know absolutely NOTHING about the black race or what
>
they (or any other ethnic group) had to suffer from because
>
YOU ARE NOT BLACK, YOU ARE WHITE!
>
>
so does that mean that a lawyer should not try to help out a
>
blue collar worker because he does not what its like to
>
work with your hands? does that mean that a person can not
>
have empathy and offer support for another person unless
>
he/she is exactly like them and been through the same
>
things. having a degree in THIRD WORLD STUDIES & HISTORY
>
i feel qualified to share my opinion on how fucked up the
>
technological west (europe/america) has treated africa,
>
asia, south america, pacifica, etc. I have devoted my
I... see. So your outrage with the technological West has
driven you
to... promoting drum 'n' bass music. I guess I'm just one of those
simple minds who don't have degrees in THIRD WORLD STUDIES AND
HISTORY.
(Take note of that, I think it's the first time he's used caps.)
>
studies and my efforts to reading, studying and uncovering
>
the truth. this is what it takes, if the process is to be
>
reversed. its about time.
Oh, yeah, the history of the West's destruction of other cultures
is SO
MUCH MORE INTERESTING than anything anyone who actually *lived*
in those
cultures *could* say.
>
> i think you need some serious therapy b/c you must really
>
hate yourself.
>
>
true that, self-hate is almost inevitable when one looks too
>
closely at one's history. but i dont mind it, it seems only
>
fair to me. this system and country has instilled self-hate
>
in the black man for hundreds of years. time to turn the
>
tables.
Boo to the Black Man for making us feel so bad about ourselves
by
allowing us to oppress him like that! Hooray to the Black Man for
making us feel so bad about ourselves by allowing us to oppress
him
like that!
Now the Black Man will be instilled with self-hate... again!...
forever!
(Insert wacky trumpet whaa-whaa-whaa here.)
>
> define "undergroud". what is really "undergroud" these
>
days??
>
>
underground to me is someone or something that has not
>
been bought by entrenched, major corporate power.
>
independent labels, starving artists & musicians, people
>
who are in it for the love and not for the money. thats
>
underground to me. true expression of the soul. underground.
>
>
> maybe there aren't many WHITE mc's because they aren't
>
given a chance. Maybe it's considered a type of *reverse*
>
discrimination?
>
>
interesting point here. reverse discrimination? possible for
>
sure. but they have been put on and given opportunities. they
>
have had their chances. but being an MC means always being
>
in the public eye, always being examined and scrutinized,
ARRRGHHH! The MC is glaring, garish white!
>
always being challenged by other mc's. this is nothing new,
>
happens all the time in reggae, hiphop, d&b, you name it!
>
>
> as far as white boy MC's and rappers? i am all for it as
>
long as you sound good.
>
>
me too!
>
>
> would you say this to: 3rd Bass (mc serch and pete nice?),
>
Beastie Boys, Young Black Teenagers, etc, etc.
>
>
those guys got mad skills! well some of them at least. there
>
are some white guys out there with talent, its the
>
exception though, not the norm. and they prove that "color
>
aint a thing" - its about who you are and where you come
>
from. its about having something to rap about on the mic.
>
and guys like SERCH have mad shit to rhyme about. you got
>
to have something to talk about - if you put garbage in, then
>
its garbage out. i guess thats my point.
I... see. So the reason that black guys are better MCs is
that they have
to put up with less... garbage.
>
> go fuck yourself.
>
>
i wish i could, but its impossible! :)
Heh. In response to another response...
>you make some good points:
> From: OI M8!!!! 08/08/00
17:58 EDT
> In reply to: re:LOOKING FOR
TALENTED DRUM&BASS MC'S - WHERE THEY
> AT??? - hahahaha 08/08/00
17:05 EDT
>
>
> oh yeah? shit talking, whitebred-wanna-be-ethnic,
>
control freak, egotistical promoters dont' cut it either! ha!
>
how do you like that?
>
>
where did that come from? i thought this thread was about
>
mc's? and actually promoters and event producers do have
>
to be both egotistical and controlling. otherwise who is
>
gonna step up and get the job done, be the clear leader and
>
all that. duh.
>
>
>we SERIOUSLY need some professional promoters, and
>
ones that are BLACK, ASIAN, INDIAN, LATIN, and JEWISH
>
promoters. see how dumb that sounds???
>
>
that is your best point. it is not dumb at all. it is a program
>
already in existence in this country, it is called
>
AFFIRMATIVE ACTION. although white women have
>
traditionally benefitted the most from AA, it is a much
>
needed policy that should stay in effect to create true
>
equity & equality in this country. LIBERTY & JUSTICE FOR
>
ALL? not without affirmative action. good point!
Yeah, I mean, it's everyone's *birthright* to be employed by Cracker.
>
> yeah, like your boy STYLZ and his "yankee ragga" style! is
>
that what you're talking about???
>
>
yes and no. he gets points for originality and for effort, but
>
this bama has got no skills. and in fact, he is one of the
>
white mc's that i was referring to. he should stay off of the
>
mic for good. he really should. he's a bama.
What's this 'bama of which you speak? Is this some new Hindu
caste
created by the Y2K bug?
>
> very true indeed! why can't you listen to your own words.
>
you, my friend, are the one who has a very long way to go. i
>
actually don't think you have come very far in the
>
evolutionary chain.
>
>
who is this directed at? but the truth of the matter is, that
>
we are all human and yes we all do have a very distance to
>
go. thats what life is all about. live and learn, every day is
>
a new day. baby steps. all that good stuff. another good
>
point. and there are no human beings who have come very
>
far along the evolutionary chain.
>
>
> did you catch "the dawn of man" on TLC last nite? if you
>
did, you would know that humans lived alongside
>
neanderthal species and humans may have interbred with
>
them, thus producing half-human, half-neaderthal people. I
>
truly think that you are one of these abnormalities! your
>
mentality sure shows it!
>
>
i did see all 4 parts of the series, i found it fascinating.
>
and it was not surprising to me at all that the
>
half-neanderthal/half-homo sapiens lived in europe!
>
neaderthals survived the longest in europe and implanted
>
their genetics into the european bloodstream. interesting.
>
it is also not surprising to me that homo sapiens, the true
>
modern man, emerged out of Africa. mother africa - where
>
it all began, africans, the true owners of this planet. its
>
time they got what is truly theirs and a voice with which
>
to express this.
HAW! HAW! HE PUT YOU DOWN AND YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!
>
power to the people. i enjoyed your post, next time leave
>
out the personal insults (who were they directed at
>
anyway) and stick with your rational points. because YOU,
>
just like ME, have a long way to go my friend. we all do.
>
>
that is what makes us all human and all brethren, we're all
>
stuck on this rock together.
Well, I'm a white guy, and I just finished responding to posts
about
white MCs, so I guess it's obligatory... *ahem* That rap stuff
is so
easy. Anyone can do it.
[Rob starts bobbing up and down seductively.]
"My name is Rob..."
[SFX: Tashiki crying]
"...and I'm here to say..."
[Tashiki attacks Rob, hisses, and gives herself time-out.]
It is right that Tashiki attacked me.
*Harumph*
Robert "Lookit me! I'm an edgy racial commentator!" Caponi
--
T.W.I.D.N.
** http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
$199 a month ** http://www.mp3.com/199amonth/
ICQ ** 65726128
I'm high on acid... Communism is TRUE!
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Brechtze Meerhor)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Re: Who is this Lisa Pea?
Date: 2 Sep 1998 03:57:58 GMT
Organization: Dead Bodies Floating In Space
In article <3604533c.878457783@news.dimensional.com>, Lisa Pea,
who is a
nonsense-talking person, wrote:
> Kibo doesn't get any of the girl things, like bosoms and pink
flowers
> with big wavy stink lines and those big 'bottom pillows' girls
buy,
> and that is howcome Kibo does not get any body to put the sex
on him.
I know a person who has gotten the sex put on him but is at
least as
big a meaniehead as you make Kibo out to be. His name is Jaffo.
I've yet to decide if Jaffo is a total, incurable meaniehead,
but he's
really been giving me the cold shoulder recently. I have used this
pain to
create something beautiful:
How
#########################
####### LL O #######
Can I #########
|| #########
######### |: o #########
Use
######### C #########
######### :: #########
SCIENCE ########
########
#######. `` ` o .#######
To Get ######`/ - __
-. `######
##### // o . #####
Jaffo #### //
: ####
### ./ ` ` `` ` O` . ###
to
## l
J ##
#### - _ __ __ - ####
Love Me? #########################
And stop causing people to dis-disjoint alt.politics.jaffo
from
alt.religion.kibology, you nonsense-talking person, you.
> I can't draw with letters as I am a GIRL, but I would draw a pair
of
[...]
I can draw with letters because I'm a boy!
________________________
_____/
\_____
___/
\__
====
/ _ ^ ^ ^ ^
_
\
||
| / \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/ \_/\
\
||
V
\
\
||
||
/========\ /========\
====
====
||//
\\ //
\\ \\
//
|
/ ||
- ||
|| --- \\ //
|
\ O ||
|| O ||
\\ //
||\\
// \\
// \\
//
==== \========/
\========/
\\//
____/
//
/
==== //
\____
\\ //
\======/
______________________
\
/
\
/
\_________/
Neener-neener!
Who is also very good,
The Very Rev. Tagutcow MD, PhD, BA, SSCW
This was my own humble attempt at trolling alt.atheism, and it ended up being the longest thread ever started by me. I was not prepared for the outpouring of honest and candid responses from people, all of whom took the inquiry at face value.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Mark Twain: A Dialogue)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.atheism
Subject: Naming your atheist children
Date: Sat, 24 Feb 2001 21:03:02 -0500
Organization: cult of the retardo-dome
I'm just curious what strategies people use for naming children
to be
brought up in an atheistical household. Clearly, names like Jonathan,
Christoper, and Matthew,- cute guy names, if you will,- are *so*
out the
window. I'm thinking a nice, secular name like Jeff, or Geoff,
or Brian,-
if you have Irish roots, as I do,- would serve the purpose adequately.
But
for some reason, Jeff or Geoff or Brian doesn't scream "RUGGED
AMERICAN
ATHEIST" to me. It seems the path of bringing up your children
in an
atheistical household is hedged with inherent dangers concerning
nomenclature, as you could very well inadvertantly choose a name
that is
not only burdened with unneccesary and unwanted Goddist baggage,
but might
also have the side-effect of dooming your child to a future of
being a
dewey Tiger Beat pin-up.
Sincerely,
Zbignew Hympatia-Haus
The EternalFlame™ is perhaps the most byzantine comedic premise ever concieved by me. It's a shame I never exploited it to its fullest potential.
Subject: Re: Anything interesting?
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net
(I killed that hippy)
Date: 1998/01/26
Message-ID: <tagutcow-2708561446200001@pm3-98.gso.infi.net>
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.religion.louis-nick
************************************************************
*****
IMPORTANT: Keep this message marked 'Unread' *****
************************************************************
AN EternalFlame™ For THE MEAT I MISS
Request recieved:
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Rob C.)
Date: Sun, 25 Jan 1998 12:50:43 -0800 (EST)
/
_/ |
/ /
__/ |
/ |
/ /
| / |
______________| | \______
|\ \
\/ | \
|:\ \__\__/
\
|.;\
|| \
|;:.\
|| \
|.;:;\
\
|;.:;:\
\
|.:..:;\
\
|:.;:.,:\
\
|.;:.,:;.\__________________________\
|:.;:.;,:|
|
|::;.:.,.| This is an EternalFlame™ |
|:.;:;.:;| in the memory of:
|
|.;:;:.,.|
|
|:.,:.;,:| THE MEAT I MISS
|
|:.;:.;,:|
|
|::;.:.,.| 1976-1992
|
|:.;:;.:;|
|
|.;:;:.,.| Ephitaph:
|
|:.,:.;,:|
|
|:.;:.;,:| Corn Dogs, Salisbury |
|::;.:.,.| Steak, Bacon,
|
|:.;:;.:;| Fish, Marinated Beef |
|.;:;:.,.| over Nood
|
\.,:.;,:|
|
\;:.;,:|
|
\.:.,.|
|
\;.:;|
|
\.,.|
|
\,:|
|
\.|
|
\|__________________________|
To preserve your EternalFlame™ in Cyberspace, simply visit
http://www.geocities.com/Newark/1401/ETERNALF.HTM and fill out
the EZ
webform. You provide only the loved one's name, birth and death
dates, the
accompanying epitaph (64 char. max.) and the newsgroups to which
the
EternalFlame™ should be crossposted- EternalFlame™ takes care of
the rest
in this difficult time of grieving! We accept Visa, Mastercard,
and the
Discover card.
EternalFlame™: Because you're not some sort of monster™
************************************************************
*****
IMPORTANT: Keep this message marked 'Unread' *****
************************************************************
--
http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html - NEW:
Sto0pid MIDI files
"Art O'Brien: Cop" ~ "Bacon or Tripe?" ~ "NBC Opera Riot" ~ "A
Pro/Con Tribe"
"I Borne To Crap" ~ "Coroner Bit Pa" ~ "Be or Rot? Panic!" ~ "A
Robot Prince"
"Torn CIA Probe" ~ "Croon? It be Rap!" ~ "Nero Atop Crib"
~ "A Boor Crept In"
From: Fire Engines All Day Long (tagutcow@nr.infi.net)
Subject: What if I saw Nick Bensema?
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Date: 2000/05/13
What if, upon passing by my bathroom mirror, I saw Nick Bensema?
That is, if instead of seeing normal Rob, as would be expected,
I saw
Nick Bensema instead, which would be wholly unexpected?
I probably should have thought this out before I started writing
this
post, as I could have made myself clearer. What if, upon passing
by my
bathroom mirror, as I have for several times a day for several
years, each
and every time seeing what I have come to identify as myself,-
viz. Rob,
and with varying degrees of affection,- I instead saw Nick Bensema,
who,
my never having seen him in person, would be a quite unexpected
sight to
see reflected in my bathroom mirror?
Well? Wouldn't that be freaky?
In closing, I think it only fair to inform the reader, lest
there be any
confusion, that this author did not, in fact, have the experience
of
seeing Nick Bensema in his bathroom mirror; but, I remind the reader
that
I think it no understatement to say that thousands among us, nay,
tens of
thousands among us, will go to their graves having, at one time,
seen Nick
Bensema in their bathroom mirror. Eternity is an ill attended poodle;
the
levels of storytelling... confused, fragmented.
--
T.W.I.D.N.
** http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
$199 a month ** http://www.mp3.com/199amonth/
ICQ ** 65726128
I'm high on acid... Communism is TRUE!
I'm high on acid... Communism is TRUE!
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Brechtze Meerhor)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology
Subject: Death of Cold
Date: 14 Sep 1998 21:07:52 GMT
Organization: Dead Bodies Floating In Space
When I stepped out of the shower this morning, I realized
that I had
forgotten to put the pants that were in the washer into the dryer
and
start it up before I got into the shower. I had no other pants,
and
were I to start up the dryer then, it would be 4:00 in the afternoon
before my pants were dry and ready.
So I reached into the washer, got a pair of damp pants, and
put them on.
DAMP
PANTS
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS!
DAMP
PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
PANTS!
DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP PANTS! DAMP
Please do not steal this idea as I have filed a patent for
it and am
going to sell it to Levi's for FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (Some Diseased Algebra)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.poetry.doggerel
Subject: The Klunking: Sporadic Intimations of a Quintal Equation
Date: Fri, 02 Nov 2001 00:09:09 -0800
Organization: My family's brush with interior decorating disaster
Beautiful Spanish
moss but do not touch because
of full of chiggers!
When given a brain
he said cold water boils
faster than warm does.
He gave us fishies
and cathedral radios
and/or bales of hay
I can complete a
five-part task as long as the
fifth part is "Enjoy!"
--
TWIDN
http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/twidn.html
Krafft-Ebing http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow/krafft.html
What were once cathareses for me are now mandatory for everyone.
Of all the things I've ever posted to the internet, this was probably read by the most people by virtue of the fact it was crossposted to alt.sex.stories.
From: tagutcow@nr.infi.net (The Only Interpretation)
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sex.stories
Subject: My Superpower
Date: Tue, 30 Jul 2002 18:34:45 -0700
Organization: Brain of Science
"I'm going to the migraine art exhibition down
at the gallery," she
calls to me from the foyer, "are you coming with me?"
"It's the first Monday of the month already?"
I respond, "I'm afraid I
have a few errands to run, so I think I'll have to pass. Thanks
anyway!"
"OK, see ya."
"See ya."
I lied. I had, in fact, no errands to run. After
she had left, I snuck
upstairs and turned on the computer. This was strictly me time.
Three
orifices crammed with cock, an explosion of fudge-colored froth.
Some
anonymous penis undulating hypnotically back and forth between
two
tan-lined breasts, the non-stop sexy decelerating only upon my
accidentally stumbling across trannie porn and golden showers.
Never one
to be dissuaded by such setbacks, I divined myself a vein of lesbian
incest dildo porn starring two twin sisters McNaughton. "This is
crazy
stuff!" I exclaimed to myself as Jennifer McNaughton shaved the
mons of
Christina. I pulled out down my pants and began stroking my cock.
"You're
a couple of little whores," I knowingly chuckled as Christina strapped
one
on and penetrated Jennifer so deeply she was undoubtedly tasting
rubber.
As both sisters ran their tongues over the shit-spackled dildo,
I
recapitulated my feelings that they were, in fact, a couple of
little
whores in a sentence punctuated by massive ejaculation.
As I was cleaning up, I noticed a dollop of spooge
on the power strip.
I got some toilet paper, dampened it in the sink, and began cleaning
off
the milky residue when I felt a surge of electricity charge through
my
body, a surge that threw me across the room. Something was different.
"Did you enjoy the migraine art exhibition?"
I asked her. "It was
very... interesting," she replied. My eyes came to rest on her
face as she
was flipping through her magazine, when suddenly she became aware
I was
looking at her. "What? What's wrong?" she asked. "Nothing," I replied,
"I
just wanted to know about the exhibition." Something was different.
Later that day, I went to work the early bird
shift at the cafeteria.
"Some old lady is giving Gus a hard time," John laughed. As I approached
the table, I heard the lady exclaim "These croutons taste like
ASS," in a
grating Long Island accent. "Those are the zesty Italian croutons,"
Gus
pleaded with her, "you..." "I don't care," she replied, "these
croutons
taste like ASS." As I watched the unpleasant old lady, I saw in
my mind's
eye that lady suspended in time, with puffs of stink rising up
from her
chair. The puffs of stink coalesced into four distinct clouds above
her
head. Was it fifteen seconds or ten minutes I stood watching, waiting.
The
clouds further coalesced into letters,-- in my soul, I had intimations
of
the word they were to form, but I watched anyway, paralyzed by
fear, or
egged on by some intensity drive to face a vertigo all the more
terrifying
for its inevitability. It's impossible for me to say precisely
when I
could discern what they said, but within moments, there was little
doubt
what they spelled;-- P-O-R-N.
"Whoa, Darren looks like he's seen a ghost."
I shook my head as one
would shake an Etch-A-Sketch, the unpleasant old lady was no longer
suspended in time, and the puffs of porn stink evaporated. "I'm
sorry, I
have to go," I said, and quickly took to fleeing the cafeteria.
"Darren,
what's wrong?" I heard John ask as I ran away.
I jumped in my car and floored the accelerator.
Within moments, a cop
car pulled up behind me.
The cop ambulated leisurely up to my car. I rolled
down my window.
"Are you aware you were driving 75 miles per hour in a 35 miles
per hour
zone?" He asked me. "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling myself, I hope
you
understand..." "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give you a ticket..."
I
couldn't listen to what the cop was saying, as I watched in silent
terror
as puffs of stink started rising up from around the officer. Sure
enough,
the puffs of stink spelled "P-O-R-N." "Y... y... you secretly look
at
porn," I said, cutting him off mid-sentence. "Heh. Heh. Guilty
as
charged," he laughed, adjusting his hat, "those McNaughton twins
are a
couple of little whores."
"No... No... NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"I call the Cook County traffic court to order,
the honorable Abraham
Hutchins presiding." Abraham Hutchins leafed through the stack
of papers
in front of him. "Our first case is Darren Nicholls, charged with
speeding," the judge said. "Your honor, my client..." "Don't listen
to my
lawyer, he SECRETLY LOOKS AT PORN!" I exclaimed. "Will the defendant
please yield," Abraham said, banging his gavel. "Why should we
listen to
you... you SECRETLY LOOK AT PORN!" "Mr. Nicholls, in all my years..."
I
stood up and faced the courtroom of disinterested people awaiting
their
trials, "and all of you people, you all SECRETLY LOOK AT PORN!"
The
courtroom expressed their collective displeasure, some of them
even
sitting up from their slumped-over positions. I ran out of the
courthouse.
As I ran down the courthouse steps, I noticed
a man standing on the
corner. Something was different. I ran up to him, placed my hand
on his
shoulder, and laughed as I caught my breath. "Hello, friend," he
said.
"Wow, I didn't think I'd ever find someone like you," I said. "Say,
have
you discovered Jesus Christ?" he asked me. "Jesus Christ?" The
man
produced a book, and flipped to a handsome glossy color plate in
the
middle. "Ooh, wow, nice plate," I remarked, taking the book from
him, "is
this mine to keep?" "Actually, that will be fifteen dollars," he
said. I
felt bad that I had presumed he was just going to give me the book,
so
after giving the matter its fifteen seconds of due consideration,
I
reached into my pocket, saying "I'm sure I have fifteen dollars
here."
"It's a small price to pay for everlasting life," he said. Everlasting
life, everlasting life, I turned the phrase over in my head before
I
realized it had nothing to do with what I had experienced.
--
email - tagutcow@nr.infi.net (I'm a bald, impotent snorer, so feel
free to pass along any information you think would interest me.)
web - http://www.nr.infi.net/~tagutcow
Please reply by email as I don't read this notesfile.
| T.W.I.D.N. |
Design |
Music |
Photos |
Links |