The Journal

Not only an ideal for living,
but in fact a reason for
being; The Journal is the
only friend you'll ever need
in those dark hours.

*actually, we can't do squat
about any of that.

PERSONALS

Jeremy. You spoke of the Free
Soil party and sent my loins
aquiver. I'm jealous of that
Fresca bottle. Let's screw. U
know who!. Write J3333

Lonely lady lover, on the
rebound and stuck in a dead
end existence, seeks new mate
and new life. WM, 21-50,
only. A reply to J1215 could
stop your world.

Bucky! You made me feel like
a ton of woman! You're a
secure man! Heavy D

SWF seeks SWM who has a big,
warm, fuzzy Tashiki embrace.
Are you mysterious, 20-35,
and always defending your
sexuality? reply J9667.

WM seeks SWF, 16-40. I'm a
police officer and I love
busting criminals. Do you? If
so, then write to me!!! I'm a
bit chunky, but lovable.
J5211

I'm a crazy guy who likes
girls who do something if it
feels good. Babes who like
Dodge Chargers and aren't
afraid to let their freak
flags fly. C/O J1970

I like to piss off
fundamentalist Christians! Do
U? Let's break N.C.'s sodomy
laws, It'll be cool. Any
sex, race or age is cool. I'm
flexible J69

Wanted SWF built in all the
right places. At least 3
chins a must. Ask 4 Mike.
J334

Hi I'm Biggie! I'm great fun
party joke girl oooohhhh
yaaahhhhh. Also great fun
computer freak and great fun
Kraftwerk fan. I like a
letter to boy write. C/O J222

Large, Luscious & Lovely? If
you're a lot of woman you're
MY woman. Won't stop 'til I
find U! Bucky. J8888

Help! I'm trapped in an
underground prison by crazed
Palestinian terrorists! If
you read this, tell the
police to haul my ass back to
freedom.

Do pimply testosterone-addled
teenagers turn you on? Help
me in my quest for manhood.
J7690

DWF, 93 yrs. young, in Shady
Hills retirement community,
recently at terms with own
lesbianism, seeks a girl
"friend" to make my last
years on this Earth happy
ones. contact J576

Do you like the movie "Mrs.
Doubtfire?" How about picnics
at the park and Wednesday
night services? What can I
doodely-do ya for? Flanders.
C/O J777

I saw you in ethics toting
Kirkegaard, Berdyaev and
William Burroughs-- in Davis
Hall circa 1977 . I haven't
touched another woman since
that day. I'm welling
orgone!!! J8123

J. Eccles. This is a fresher
and more marketable reality,
and you're not on the clock.
Oh! To see you through the
hanging head cheese. Gone is
the Cafe' Angelica! My James,
I only have words to play
with! J999

St. Bernards, a couple hours
of Rush Limbaugh daily and
some MD 20/20 will keep you
young at heart! You agree?
Call me Old Scratch. Handsome
DWM, often compared to 'Tom
Anderson' of Beavis &
Butthead, seeks 4th wife.
Write J4077. Don't make any
excuses.

College Professor and well
known columnist seeks SWM,
15-21, who's open-minded and
flexible for discreet
relationship and political
discourse. You supply the
Fresca, I'll supply the love.
J002

Thank You St. Dymphna! E.C.

Hey SEXY, in muscle-t at
Kilgore Trout on 6/7/94. You
gazed cooly at me over your
Blue Drink and I almost did a
spit take with my
Hackfleisch. Wow. Reply J8947

I want rich and single males
in poor health! Let me, a
hot bodied young thing, make
your last days on Earth
worthwhile. Gimme' a ring.
J8947

Piggy eyed, pockmarked and
greasy haired middle aged WM
('92 presidential candidate)
seeks young SWM as
apprentice. P.B. J6222

I saw you at Trout's. A woman
who can drink a Bloodshot
Mick and still stand still is
the only 1-4 me. J4428

You want to hear personal?
O.K. My ex-wife used to call
me "head Cheese" Is that
personal enough?

Do you dig the Desert Cows,
Fetal Position and long for
the return of Science Time?
If you're the one I saw at
Rob's toilet paper expo, I
must find U! Reply J6598

4 Sale!....................

Mime book, mint cond. Have
committed it to memory & am
ready to pass it on to
serious beginners who want to
understand the "Expressive
Silence." $5.00 J3284

ASTROLOGY!

Taurus; You'll be reminded of
last week's roll in the
proverbial hay by some
lesions sure to erupt this
week. You deserve it.

Gemini; Don't be so quick to
dismiss a "***k you" by that
complete stranger. He knows
what he's talking about

Cancer; A rousing good time
was had by all when you were
burned in effigy. Leo had
suggested you be woken up to
join the fun, but was kicked
unconscious by all those in
attendance.

Leo; Keep your suggestions to
your own pathetic self.
Nobody wants to hear your
bleeding-hearted crap. Cancer
friend dumps you.

Virgo; You literally bored a
family of three to death!
It's O.K,. You were
considered too bland for
coverage by the media.

Libra; You are without a
friend alive, which is no
news to you. But this week it
hits you particularly hard.
Sob a lot.

Scorpio; Good news! More
people begin to look at you
with pity, which is at least
a change from abject hatred!

Sagittarius; Another day,
another DWI. You killed a 3
year old while on the way to
your N.A. meeting, which had
been canceled anyway, loser.

Capricorn: You were called
"as attractive as the stuff
in the bag after a
liposuction" Taking offense
made you look like a fool.

Aquarius; You'll get angered
by one asking; "who's on
third base?" The most
stimulating discussion of
your lifetime ensues, but
turns bloody.

Pisces; All those months of
brooding pay off later this
week when you finally pull
the trigger! You fail this
endeavor, of course, and
awake crippled, brain damaged
and incontinent. Now that's
worth brooding about!

Dear Martin, I would like to
say firstly that I love your
column and I read it every
chance I get, but there is
one thing that is really
beginning to get on my
nerves, and that is your
constant mockery of my
manhood. It was funny the
first couple of times around-
with your columns titled
"Bill Crabapple's manhood
looks like a seahorse", "Bill
Crabapple has a withered,
patchy manhood", and
"Addendum on Bill Crabapple's
manhood," respectively,- but
with your more recent
columns, this has lapsed into
poor taste. Thanks to your
constant and indefatigable
attacks, I have lost respect
among my friends, gotten
divorced, lost my job, and
can't have anyone look me in
the eye anymore. We've had
our fun, Martin, but please,
it's time to say enough is
enough. -Bill Crabapple,
Richmond VA.

Dear Bill, If you need to
blame others for the troubles
you've brought upon yourself,
it may have the earmarking of
deeper psychological
troubles. You know as well as
I that I have neither met you
nor written of you, never
mind having seen your
manhood. I would suggest that
you take a serious assessment
of your life and perhaps seek
professional help.