Crawdad's Gone

     You know you never really know when life is gonna get ya. Why just the other day Old Man Crawdad had to be put out of commission indefinitely because he just couldn't keep his eyes to himself. Sometime I get to feeling bad about the way the old man died but i get over it really soon. It's kinda like indigestion' I guess I'm kinda thinkin' about it all the time and when it gets too bad why i just take a rolaids (or two or three or four) and I'm damned if 'n I'm not feelin' better directly. In that way it is alike. But as the woman who raised me always used to say-- "There are two sides to every story." I say she used to say that because she doesn't say much of anything anymore being as she had to die and all. No ma'am there ain't no way I'm sayin' that I don't feel bad that the old guy is rotting now, but let me also say this-- I ain't lettin' it eat me all up inside 'till I got no other choice than than to snuff it. I sure bet he wishes he wasn't such a dirty old man while he was among the livin'. You know I ain't never killed anyone who gave me the time of day. I once knew a teacher who said "stay on my good list" just like that and I never did know what she meant but then I never knew what she meant anyway because she spoke with a weird accent and all and she smelled like really weird perfume that was from one of those goddam Oriental countries. Now I shoot you straight when I say I ain't never had her as a teacher I says I just known her. She taught the smart kids in what they called the advanced class. I never goto feelin too bad about bein' considered dumb because at least I was always the smartest kid in my class and all and I could spell better than probably anyone in the whole damn county. Now if that ain't good spellin' than I don't know what the hell is. And I bet that teacher got a lot of dead bodies under theat rose garden of her's. The friggin' rose bushes are friggin' ten feet tall if they're an inch and ain't that tall! Also I was always picked and chosen up first when We were pickin' teams for softball-- that ain't a soft ball! Not when it comes at ya at about 20 miles per friggin' hour! that smarts I used to always say and Oh Shoot! Sos anyway the old guy is dead and no one can come and say I killed him because I gots an alibi which is this: The moment the Old Man died I was in school already (because I run really fast) and no one ain't no one seen me crack him over the head with my Louisville slugger and especially cause everyone treats me like a friggin martian. No these are the same people who used to call me baldie even though I warn't bald and also they used to call me fatso even though I ain't fat. I used to be really sad all the time about that (cause I had just lost the woman who raised me up) but now I learned a trick and that trick is to say "I don't care." Actually just about everyone I know is dead now. My pop died when I was 6 months old and can't no one say I killed him. Being as how I was so young. Oh sob sob no one loves me and that's why I's so sad and unhappy and I don't go the Happy Christian Picnics. (I used to go to meet Happy Christian college boys and all but that was then.) And I'm doin fine thank you. I gots money and all that from Old Man Crawdad's pockets-- he was much richer than he let on and all . I had an aunt (who is now dead) who used to clean all the time and she said that a clean house was it's own reward and all that. And she said that if you dust everywhere you can tell as soon as you walk in the room that everything has been taken care of and that a person with class would notice your effort and hard work and that none of it went unnoticed. Like even behind the friggin lamps and all. Wow. What a worker. But I know somethin' that she doesn't. All the origins of the universe and all the people that snuffed it are in that dust. and on a quiet night when you feel all alone and you're real scared that you might freeze to death or lose your hearing or get hit by a pick-up the next day, the dust is really the only thing that's livin' and watchin over ya and makin' sure that you wake in the mornin' and can get to business of livin and eatin' and workin'. And when you sneeze why that's a way of sayin' "Hi, I'm fine and I miss all you dead people and life isn't the same without you and I'll be with y'all soon." And I just wonder if ol' auntie had know that If there wouldn't be somethin' better on the table than butterbeans and okra every damn night. Actually I haven't been bein' totally truthful with y'all-- I like butterbeans fine and she sure did bread that okra nice. And I actually killed five people in my life and sheriff says I'll swing for it. But I'll see Pop and the woman and even the old man. And the Briarwood beauty queen and a few others. And you know what I want on my grave? "Well dust me off a lamp and call me Becky!"

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