New Year Resolutions

As we all prepare to start a new year, it is time again to make those ever so important New Year's Resolutions. I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year.

Resolution #1
1996: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1997: I will not leave Marge.
1998: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
1999: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

Resolution #2
1996: I will stop looking at other women.
1997: I will not get involved with Wanda.
1998: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
1999: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
1996: I will not let my boss push me around.
1997: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
1998: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
1999: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
1996: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1997: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1998: I will read 5 books a year.
1999: I will finish Space.

Resolution #5
1996: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
1997: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
1998: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
1999: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.

Resolution #6
1996: I will get my weight down below 180.
1997: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1998: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1999: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
1996: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1997: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
1998: I will not become a "problem drinker".
1999: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
1996: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1997: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1998: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1999: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.

Resolution #9
1996: I will see my dentist this year.
1997: I will have my cavities filled this year.
1998: I will have my root canal work done this year.
1999: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
1996: I will go to church every Sunday.
1997: I will go to church as often as possible.
1998: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
1999: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.